Chapter 6
In truth, the next month was incredibly busy. Sarah threw herself into her new workload, sacrificing a little sleep and her days off but she was actually getting to know some of the fellow ED residents as they helped her catching up on 4 years worth of internist knowledge. Thankfully, an understanding Dr Campbell helped her manage her psyc workload so that she could acclimatise to her internist workload.
Connor watched as Sarah went from strength to strength, finally being recognised by the ED attendings for the star that she was. Not that Connor was biased or anything. Since That Kiss, which was without a doubt the hottest first kiss he'd ever had, he couldn't stop replaying it in his mind. It had got to the point where he asked Dr Campbell for therapist recommendations and began seeing Dr Julian every week to decompress and start to heal from the past year. In fact, it was Dr Julian that suggested that maybe, Connor needed to let Sarah have a little space to work out what she was feeling, in the same way Connor needed to figure out what he was feeling. He lasted 28 days, 13 hours and 24 minutes.
"I need to talk to her. I miss her like crazy." Connor announced to Dr Julian, who laughed lightly.
"You lasted longer than I thought you would. What will you say to her?"
"That I care about her? That I want to be with her? Honestly, I have no idea. I need to ask her what she wants, what she needs."
"That seems like a good place to start." Connor nodded, building himself up.
"Ok, I can do that. Ok."
I can't do it. Connor held two coffees in his hand. All he had to do right now was go over to Sarah and hand her one. Then ask her to dinner.
"She's not gunna ask herself out, sugar." Connor almost jumped out of his skin as Kimmi stage-whispered to him and nudged him toward Sarah. He glared over his shoulder, but at least his feet were moving. C'mon Rhodes. You got this. Be cool, charming, sexy.
"Morning Dr Reece." He practically purred at her. He was thrilled to see the effect it had on her, her cheeks pinking, her breathing became more shallow. She took the coffee he offered her and took a sip.
"Thank you." She said hoarsely, and Connor imagined that sexy, hoarse voice after a night of pure fucking.
"Will you come to my apartment tonight after work? I'll cook dinner." Sarah considered for a moment, but ultimately she knew wild horses wouldn't keep her away.
"Yes."
It took far too long for Sarah to figure out what she wanted to wear. Eventually, after pulling out what felt like the entire contents of her wardrobe, she settled on a simple blouse with a flared skirt and short heels. Not her usual sort of outfit, but she felt comfortable and … well, pretty. Her heart raced as she wondered what, if anything, would happen. What do you want, Sarah?
Her eyes fluttered as she got in her car and drove to Connor's apartment.
He'd unpacked more boxes, that was the first thing she noticed. Then she looked at him, he'd dressed up a little too. Nice trousers, jacket. Connor seemed intent on behaving like the perfect gentleman. She had a never empty glass of wine, her chair pulled out for her. The table was laid, candles in the centre. As Connor finished bringing out the food, Sarah couldn't help but blurt "Connor, what is this?". He smiled at her.
"Can't you tell?" He asked softly, his gaze seemingly mapping out her face in wonder. Sarah couldn't find words so she began to eat, moaning in surprised delight. Connor was an excellent cook.
"Where did you learn to cook like this?"
They chatted for a while about housekeepers and cooking lessons, trips to Europe, cooking with local agreements in Riyadh and practising in every spare moment.
Sarah finally began to relax. It was all so familiar to before the kiss in the on call room, yet she was aware of the electricity between them. Be brave, Sarah.
"Connor?" He smiled at her encouragingly. "I think we should…talk about what's happening between us."
Sarah twirled her hair nervously in her fingers.
"Yeah, I think so to." He took a deep breath, trying to organise his thoughts.
"Sarah I-"
Ringggg.
The doorbell made them both jump, breaking the intense scrutiny they each had on the other. Connor stood up.
"I'll be right back." Sarah took the moment to breath. Moment of truth. What do I want?
"Robyn?! What are you doing here?" Sarah turned her head. She could just about see the long dark hair. Oh. All of a sudden, all she wanted to do was cry as Connor and Robyn spoke in hushed tones back and forth. She stood up and picked up her coat as Connor brought Robyn into the living area, running his hand through his hair.
"Dr Reese, this is a surprise. How are you?" Sarah did her best to put on a blank mask with a pleasant smile, the kind she usually reserved for patients.
"I'm good, how are you Dr Charles? Fully recovered?"
"Yes, thank you." The three stood awkwardly.
"Right. Good. I'm going to go. Connor, I'll see you later… I guess? Ok. Bye." Without waiting for an answer Sarah walked out. If it comes down to me or Robyn, of course he will choose her.
Connor was torn between going after Sarah or dealing with Robyn.
"So…things have changed for you." Robyn it was, he turned around.
"What do you want Robyn?" Connor asked, suddenly weary to the bones.
"Well, you did skip town on me. We were talking about getting back together, then you were suddenly gone." Robyn bit out, anger flashing in her eyes. Connor grabbed the bottle of wine, and held it up to Robyn. She shrugged as Connor poured her a glass and refreshed his own. She was right to be mad after all, and he owed her an explanation.
Connor gestured to the sofa.
"You're right Robyn, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left without saying goodbye." Robyn's gaze steeled on him. "After Ava, I just…I …" Connor rubbed his face. It was so much harder than talking to Sarah. Robyn's face almost softened.
"I understand that Connor. But I thought we were a team." Confusion flooded every part of Connor. Ghosts of feeling flew through him. He loved Robyn with all his heart once. Had even bought a ring to propose to her and spend the rest of his life with her. Did he still? Guilt came next. He cared deeply about Sarah, he was ridiculously attracted to Sarah.
"I don't know what to tell you Robyn. I came here and… well I'm having feelings for someone else. I don't… I don't know what I want." Comprehension dawned for Robyn as she looked at the table setting, the burning candle, Connor's clothes. He used to do the same thing for me.
"Sarah Reese. The little psychiatrist? Really?" Irritation prickled under Connor's skin. She's more than what you see. He took a deep breath. This was not the woman he wanted to have this conversation with tonight, but goddamn it, he owed it to Robyn to try. There really was so much history.
"What do you want Robyn? What do you need? Do you want to be with me?" Robyn smiled and took his hand. Finally.
"It's you, I want and need you Connor. Let me stay?" Connor closed his eyes. I'm sorry, so sorry Sarah.
Sarah changed into her pyjamas, almost mechanically. She scraped up her hair, took off her make up. She held herself together as though she were a porcelain doll until she sat down and smashed, tears and overwhelming sobs taking over her whole existence.
He loved her first.
He loved her the most out of everyone.
He fought for her.
He defended her to you.
He was crushed when she left him.
You aren't pretty enough.
You aren't smart enough.
You haven't even finished your education. You're 10 years behind her, behind them.
You, Sarah Elizabeth Reece, are not enough for Connor.
The anxiety was just…unreal. Yet deep down, she was so afraid it was also all true.
30 minutes, 2 bowls of Ben and Jerry's cookie dough and playing "I'm all outta love" on repeat put Sarah back into a semi-decent mental place.
Of course, that's when the phone rang. Connor. For a moment, Sarah considered not answering. Just pretending for a bit longer. How's that working out for you babe? That ice cream sitting well? You're better than this- don't you dare break down for a fucking man.
Be brave, Sarah. Steeling her heart, Sarah answered.
"Connor." A second passed, as though he'd hoped she wouldn't answer.
"Hey, Sarah. I wanted to apologise for…for how our evening turned out." Sarah couldn't think of a thing to say. She left the space between them open, the space that seemed to grow by the minute. "Robyn is staying for a bit. She wants…she wants to see if there is anything left between us. Sarah, I don't want you to think-to think… I don't know…"
"That you led me on? That you pushed for our relationship to change?" She could almost hear the wince on the other end of the line.
"Yeah. I did do that, I accept the responsibility for this situation. But Sarah, I need you to know that this is not on you. You're so beautiful, so brave, so fucking intelligent and this is-" she could hear his voice choke and tears welled up in her eyes. She heard him take a breath as she curled up on her sofa. "it's breaking my heart Sarah. I need you to know that you deserve everything. You deserve someone who is whole. Who will see you and love you. Who isn't broken and conflicted." Sarah couldn't stop the stifled sob leaving her throat.
"I have to go Connor. I need to process." She wiped her eyes.
"I understand, Sarah. And when you're ready… well I would like to still be friends. To be honest, you're my best friend here." The sheer honestly broke her heart a little more.
"Maybe. I don't…I don't know yet." She couldn't not tell him though… "Connor?"
"Yeah, Sarah?"
"You're my best friend too. Goodnight, I'll see you tomorrow."
"Sleep well. See you tomorrow." As she hung up, Sarah put a hand to her chest, almost to check it was still beating. So fucking dramatic for an almost-event. She'd call a therapist tomorrow. Sarah didn't really have anyone else she could talk to about this.
