Chapter 8

The following morning, Sarah was tired, but felt a sense of accomplishment. She'd managed to catch some sleep in a treatment room, had done a ton of studying and chatting with Kara and treated a bunch of patients. Sure, most were simple cases, but that helped rebuild her experience from the ground up.

She arrived in the cafeteria early, so bought her usual order and Connor's. By the time they arrived, so had Connor. He was still in his scrubs, having crashed in an on call room after the surgery.

"Morning Connor." He smiled as he took the offered cup.

"Morning, sunshine, you're in a good mood." They sat down together.

"Yeah, it's been a long night, but really productive." She shrugged and averted her eyes. Her heart beat a little faster, her breathing slowed. Even rugged from sleep, he was still gorgeous.

"Good, I'm glad." They sipped their drinks awkwardly for a while.

"How is Robyn?" Sarah asked mildly. Connor bit his lip. Be honest, Connor. Build trust again.

"Struggling. Her mom is…well dying. Lymphoma." Sarah winced.

"That's awful, I'm so sorry."

"Yeah." Sarah ached to take his hand, or rest her hand on his arm. "She's seeing Dr Campbell at the moment." Sarah nodded, not really sure what else to say.

"What are you doing with your day, Sarah?" Connor hated the crappy small talk he felt he was left with.

"Go home, sleep for a few hours. Then I'm meeting a friend. Carol's pub later. Kara from the ED."

"I'm glad you're getting closer with people. You.. you need people you can talk to about things." Lame, Connor.

Reluctantly, Connor looked at his watch. "I have to get going." He sighed. He didn't want to leave. As he stood up. Sarah stopped him with a touch to his arm. It felt like flames licked at his skin.

"We'll get there, Connor. There's a lot of hurt at every angle, but we'll get there. Promise." Connor felt his eyes tear up a bit as he pulled her into a hug. Sarah could feel him run his cheek over her hair, his heart racing under her lips. He let her go almost as quickly as he'd pulled her in. Well if that's not a metaphor, I don't know what is.

"Coffee tomorrow morning?" Connor asked hoarsely. Sarah nodded. Connor could hear her boots tap on the floor, each hollow noise stabbing at his heart. At least, that's how it felt.

"Oh my goodness, have you head about Dr De Luca and Dr Milton? They really got into it earlier." Kara practically buzzed with excitement in her need to gossip. Sarah chuckled as she sipped on her wine.

"Tell me!"

"Well, their patient was presenting with a bizarre set- headaches and fevers, stomach cramps, back pain- you name it, she had it…" Sarah let the story wash over her, chipping in where appropriate. There was a good vibe in the pub tonight. She looked around absent-mindedly.

"Reece! I've not seen you here before." Sarah grinned.

"Kara, this is Dr Steven Gideon, another Psyc resident. Steve, this is Dr Kara Knight- she is an ED resident."

"Ah! Straddling two worlds." Steve chuckled as he waved over a man with bright purple tips glimmering at the end of his deep brown waves. Sarah heard Kara gasped and shot her an amused look.

"This is my boyfriend- Rivvon Loker. Riv, this is Sarah and Kara, fellow residents in the Baylor trenches."

"Pleasure!"

"Oh you're British." Kara couldn't seem to help herself. Rivvon chuckled.

"Sort of. I grew up on an island in Europe- Andraste. Boarding school in the south of England though. My mum is English."

"Ooooo that's exciting- come join us- we can shuffle over."

Just like that, a new foursome bonded over drinks and stories.

"So you flooded the whole floor and sailed on it?-"

"Steve you rebel! This is a new side to you-"

"WE LIKE TO DRINK WITH SARAH COZ SARAH IS OUR MATE, AND WHEN WE DRINK WITH DRINK SHE DOWNS HER DRINK IN 8-7-6!-"

By the end of the night, the four stumbled out of the pub laughing and hugging. The cab back to Sarah's thankfully didn't take long and soon she was tucked up in bed, practically passed out.

Oh I drank too much… Sarah took the coffee cup gratefully from Connor, dark sunglasses covering her eyes.

"Good night?" At least Connor was talking softly.

"Yeah, very good. Ran into Gideon from Psyc and his boyfriend. They could drink a fish under the table."

"You want some food?" He could practically see Sarah's skin turn green at the thought. Gingerly she removed her glasses and drank from her cup.

"How are you, Connor?" Connor thought back to his evening. Robyn barely said a word to him, but cuddled up to him on the sofa as they watched trashy reality TV. It had been …well, comfortable. Later, she kissed him, tried to start something. But all Connor could think was that she wasn't Sarah. He didn't want to sleep with her. Robyn's attempt at intimacy fizzled out pretty quickly when she realised she wasn't getting the reaction she desired. He thought he made some kind of excuse- tired maybe? But all he could think was that Sarah was out, that Sarah might be with another man, that she didn't have him to watch out for her. Idiot.

"I'm ok. I miss you. I thought about calling you last night." Sarah cocked her head, pain crossing her features.

"Connor, we can't. We can't be anything more than friends right now. You made that choice."

"Friends call each other, right? They text and talk?" Connor felt like he was grasping at silk as it slipped away from him. Sarah seemed to consider that before she nodded.

"Yeah, I guess they do." Connor nodded. He had to find a way back to her, he just had to. Sarah's eyes suddenly focused behind him.

"Hey, Connor, Reese." Connor's eyes fluttered shut.

"Robyn, what are you doing here?" He greeted her with a kiss on the cheek. It felt cold. Like he was playing a part.

"I have an appointment with the head of epidemiology. Seeing if there might be a place for me here at Baylor." Her cheerful tone almost sounded false. Robyn took a seat as close to Connor as she could without being on his lap. Sarah considered the positioning, remembering what Dr Charles said about body language not being an accurate measure of behaviour. And yet… Robyn was nervous.

"That sounds exciting, Dr Charles, I hope it goes well."

"Thank you, Dr Reese."

"Sarahhhh, darling good morning! I brought you a chocolate muffin. Eat it." Rivvon suddenly bounced into the conversation, seemingly out of nowhere as he landed a platonic peck on her lips. What the fuck?

"Hi, I'm Rivvon, not a doctor."

Connor and Robyn looked bewildered. A little bit of anger stilled within the tension in his jaw.

"Dr Rhodes and Dr Charles." Sarah murmured as she picked up her coffee, the muffin and looped her arm through Rivvon's.

"Have a good day, bye!" She almost pulled him out of the cafeteria, where a laughing Steve and Kara waited.

"What the hell was that?" Rivvon threw his arm around her shoulders.

"I wasn't going to let you go to war alone, boo. You may have played it cool last night, but that dick hurt you and we can't have that." All of this was whispered in her ear, and for a moment she saw righteous anger in his eyes.

"Why do you care?" Why would you try and help someone you've known barely 12 hours?

"I don't like people being undervalued. And you, Sarah Reece, are a fucking star."

"How did you like borrowing my boyfriend, Sarah?" Steve went to Sarah's other side and put his arm around her waist, dropping a kiss on her head.

"Hmm, doesn't last long does he?"

"OHHHHH BITCH!"

The four walked together, laughing and joking and off to work they went, Rivvon promising to meet them for dinner.


Get somewhere private. Now, now, now. Connor stormed through the hospital until he found an isolated on call room. He slammed the door shut, locked it and sunk onto the floor. He felt like he couldn't breathe. Like the world was crashing around his ears. He kept replaying that moment when he saw that man kiss Sarah. My Sarah. The pain was beyond anything he had ever experienced.

The intrusive thoughts circled and pulled until he was struggling to catch his breath. He felt as though his heart was going to explode out of his chest. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He knew what this was, a panic attack. He knew that it wouldn't do him any permanent harm- well the logical part of him did. But the other side of him, run by emotion, thought he was going to die.

The panic attack eventually settled, his breathing returning to normal. His eyes stained red, his legs shaking. It was another 30 minutes before he could move. He found Dr Milton, requested some personal time and caught a cab to Dr Julian's office. Hopefully she could make time for him today.


"Ok, so seeing Sarah be intimate caused a panic attack?" Connor nodded. Dr Julian had given him a blanket and he wrapped himself up in it. He felt more vulnerable than he had in years. It was like his entire psyche had been ripped apart.

"I'm going to be honest with you, Connor. This whole situation with Sarah and with Robyn… well it's not really about them. You have suffered a tremendous amount of trauma. You've had a privileged, but difficult upbringing. But what that means for you now is this. You can't bring yourself to let either of these women go. You're frightened- no you're terrified -that something awful will happen to these women that you care about. It doesn't take a genius to see that it's most likely because of your mother's suicide." Connor looked out of the window, his mind searching all the tattered holes inside of him. His mother's death was still as painful as the day it happened.

"Then, there's Ava. A woman you loved and respected for her strength, her tenacity, her will. You blame yourself for not seeing her pain, for not seeing her vulnerability. Now I could tell you every day for thirty years that it wasn't your fault. But you wouldn't believe me." Connor pulled his eyes back to the doctor. He gave her a sad smile.

"What do I do?"

"What do you think you need to do?"

"I can't.. I can't be with anyone right now. I want to run, to hide."

"Ok, I agree with not being with anyone- you cannot focus on someone else's needs until you confront your own. But running and hiding has not served you well. It only serves as a distraction." Connor closed his eyes and rested his head against the sofa, images blaring behind his eyes. Blood, a balcony, a scalpel, a heated kiss, a fast peck.

"How do I heal?" Dr Julian leaned back in her chair.

"Now that is an excellent question."


Connor had practically disappeared. He had text her at least.

I need to take some time to work on myself. I'm going to a mental wellness facility for a week. I promise I'm not running away. I can't use my phone, so I'll call when I'm out. Please take care of yourself. C x

Not seeing Connor everyday filled her with anxiety. Was he ok? She hadn't seen Robyn at all, had heard through the grapevine that there were no positions available.

Where are you Connor?