She is watching television, an anime with sparkles and highlights and enormous eyes. What is that style called? Shoujo? As I step forward and sink to the ground next to her, the boy on the screen says, in an overly dashing light, "How can I believe you when you say you love me? You are always so much nicer to everyone else!"
I'm not a fan this type of show. Why do You suppose I sound so very like them?
I hear her sniffle quietly, and bend over from my kneeling position so that I can see her face. Tears are freely flowing down her cheeks and into the open package of vanilla pocky below her. "Are you sad?" I ask eventually.
"Oh, they're finally admitting their feelings!" she squeals, just now realizing that I'm here. "But, I'm sad because the next episode won't mention anything about it. That's how it goes."
I looked back at the television, head tilted to the side, as the show continues.
I'm feeling very content today. I was called in to see You, and all You talked about was how pleased You were at the report of a clean bill of health. I was afraid that You were going to say 'however…' and talk about the bullies, but You didn't. I'm glad. I know that You know about them, but perhaps you don't know how bad they are.
Beside me, she gasps, and I look back up. The girl is taking up the whole screen, and saying quietly, "I do love you, as well as the others."
The opposing star says, "But you love them more than me."
Tears, matching the girl's next to me, sparkle in theheroine's eyes. "I love each of you differently, and no more one than another."
To hear such things… I swallow without thinking.
'To be continued' flashes across the screen, and she rolls off her stomach and onto her back on the ground with a satisfied sigh. "I love this show. Don't you?"
"I've never seen it before," I admit, nervously spreading my cotton skirt out around me until it's like flower. "Does it show regularly?"
"Yes, every week! About once month they get close to actually going out, but it never comes to anything." She sighs theatrically, looking at the preview for next week and sucking on a stick of pocky. She notices me looking and offers the box.
Taking one, I look at her for a moment. She is almost a decade older than me, but she acts so naïve most of the time. It puzzles me.
I remember being that way, when I was very young. You took me in Your arms - I was four, my earliest memory of You - and explained quietly and clearly about being polite to everyone so that they wouldn't hate me. I tried very hard after that, but I think that I did something wrong, because You hated me after all. Why is it all right for her? Why do You still love her, and not me?
Perhaps I should be angry, or indignant. She is still in the years of her childhood, and I lost those long ago. But I can't bring myself to do anything but like her. I know that we are somehow related, cousins many times removed, but she is more like an older sister.
"Hey, you know what I want right now?" she asks, eyes sparkling. "I want to go train! You know, at the dojo!"
…Or a younger one. Either way, she is kinder to me than most.
"I don't take lessons," I remind her gently as she pulls me to my feet.
She hummed, finger to her cheek. "You don't have to train with me. I really just want to see my special someone."
"What will I do, though?"
A knowing grin spreads out before me, and she leans in close. "Well, another certain someone comes and watches, too. He likes telling my certain someone about everything he's doing wrong."
I look down, my face hot. "I suppose that I'll go, then. I mean, he's my best friend…"
She giggles, skipping into the kitchen and singing, "We'll pack a snack, then!"
I follow her. "Um, may I ask you a question?"
She pauses as she opens a cupboard. "Of course, sweets. What do you want to know? The meaning of life? - To love! Are we alone in the universe? - No, the backup female army is still waiting on Venus!" Taking a soldier's posture and saluting in what she must think is Venus's direction, she stops and smiles happily before going back to work.
I don't even try to understand. "How come you're always so happy?"
"Well, I think it's because I'm determined to stay like this." She sets a bag of cheesy crackers on the counter and reaches into the refrigerator for a juice box. "Plus, when I was about your age, someone told me that they liked me better when I didn't understand anything unpleasant about the world. Now, even though I do understand, I don't show it for his sake."
"Are you truly happy, then? If you're not showing yourself for who you are, doesn't that count as lying?"
"Hah, I suppose it does. Sometimes it doesn't work and I sort of lose control, but people forgive me that a little."
She smiles at me, and I smile back. My heart isn't in it. Perhaps this is what she feels with every single smile that she shows...?
I wish that I didn't understand anything. I know that it isn't everything, but it is enough to not be a child anymore. I wish that I could go back to when I was little, and You held me. Why did You have to say such things?
Why don't I please You enough, no matter what I do?
