Chapter 12

"Mr Hiros. I'm sorry it's taken so long to get an update, things move fast in the OR, and I wanted to make sure I had the right information from the surgeons for you."

"Yes, yes, how is my wife?"

"Your wife is alive, more stable now. There was another leak in her aorta, which Dr Rhodes has repaired. Her liver had to be removed, the damage was too significant. She's being moved to the ICU now, where the nurse will shortly take you up to so that you can be with her. It's very touch and go. If…if Rosa can pull through till morning, it would be a very good sign, but there is still significant injuries that may arrive during the night, and we'll be limited on what we can do based on what she can handle. You might want to think about saying whatever you need to say to her, let the children kiss her and say goodbye…just in case." George was crying and nodding through the tears as he gathered up his children. Sarah went down to their level.

"Hey. Your Momma is very hurt, so you must be very gentle. The doctors have done all they can do to help her now. When you go upstairs to see her, there will be lots of tubes and wires, it can be a bit scary, but it's all there to help your momma."

"Is our momma gunna die?" The eldest, maybe 7 years old asked. George nodded at Sarah, pain aging him decades.

"We don't know yet, sweetie. She's got a lot of healing to do. It's hard, but we have to wait and see. I know your momma is fighting to stay here with you, though." Sarah smiled a sad smile and motioned for the nurse to come forward and take the grieving family to their beloved wife and mother. She watched them go as she slowly stood up. Arms surrounded her and Sarah relaxed into Connor's arms.

"I'm going to go and sleep in an on-call room." He chuckled darkly. "Not that there is anything I can do if Rosa takes a turn. She's maxed out on everything. But I would feel better. Do you wanna go home? We'll call a cab if you do. I don't want you driving." Sarah turned around and kissed him gently on the lips, shaking her head. She wanted to stay, even if only so Connor could still hold her on a tiny on-call bed. Hand in hand, they wearily found a room, locked it and collapsed into bed with each other.


Sarah was paged at 1 in the morning to Rosa's room. She had an awful feeling and left Connor to sleep, sending him a text as she walked, explaining where she was. As she arrived, the family was crying and the monitors were muted.

"She didn't make it. Sorry for paging you when you're not on-call, but I thought it should be someone on the case to call it." Sarah nodded and patted the nurse's arm.

She entered Rosa's room and talked through what she was doing as she did it, for the family. As she tried to find a heartbeat that wasn't there with a stethoscope, Connor appeared on the other side of the glass. "I'm so sorry, but despite our best efforts, your wife has passed away."

"Time of death, 1.16am." A fresh wave of grief fell on the little family as Sarah and the nurses worked in tandem to remove the tubes, disconnecting the wires and turning off the monitors. Quietly, respectfully, they left.

Connor took Sarah's hand as they walked back to the on call room in silence.

"Connor?" Sarah cuddled up closer on the on call bed as he stroked her head.

"Yeah?"

"Should I have fought you harder for Rosa? Would it have made a difference?" Connor kissed the top of her head.

"No, baby. This is just the coin flip of trauma. We do what we think is best. For a surgeon, that goes twice over, because we have to believe that what we're doing will work, or it just won't. It's awful, but as soon as me and Milton cut her open… it was so much worse than the scans. Her odds were terrible. There was nothing you could do, love. Your plan would have been good, if she'd had a chance." Connor held her tighter until they eventually fell into a deep, if fitful, sleep.


The next few days, Sarah felt as though she were sleepwalking through life. It reminded her of when she'd lost that patient at Med, when she'd decided to go into Pathology. Several times, she had to find a quiet spot and breathe through her anxiety. Connor was a godsend, pushing her through the process.

"Why aren't you feeling this?" She asked tearfully at the end of her shift the next day.

"I did, I do. But you…well you get used to it a bit more. The process of getting through it is quicker each time. It has to be, otherwise we make mistakes." Sarah nodded in understanding and fought to move past it, or at least refocus her attention on the patients she could help.

By the fourth day after Rosa died, she felt more like herself, smiling and joking more with Kara, playing crappy card games at lunch with Steve and Rivvon. On the fourth day, her and Connor even felt up to making love. Afterwards, Connor held her tight and whispered loving words to her. Part of her still felt raw, but she could see the light poking through.

"How is Reese doing, Rhodes?" Dr De Luca had asked him everyday since Rosa had died. Seeing Sarah move like a zombie through the ED was…terrifying to him. He wasn't sure what De Luca thought, but it seemed like concern.

"Better, she's much brighter today, ready to move forward." De Luca nodded.

"I forget that she hasn't always been an ED resident. We see so much loss, it forces us to have a thicker skin."

"Or find alternative coping methods." Connor muttered, thinking of Wheeler at Med.

"What?" De Luca asked, suddenly alarmed. Connor waved through the air tiredly.

"Not Sarah, someone we worked with in Chicago. He drank. Committed suicide."

"Oh, I'm sorry. That's awful. We all know someone."

"Yeah. But Sarah will be ok." Connor flashed what he hoped was a reassuring smile at his colleague. De Luca looked like she hardly registered it as she looked at him thoughtfully.

"I'm glad she has you watching out for her. Keeping an eye on her through this."

"Me too." De Luca patted him on the back as she left the Doctor's lounge to yell at some first year residents.


The ED was as busy as ever, and Connor had not stopped for breath. Cut, cut, repair, graft, cut, repair. Repeat.

This was part of why he loved the ED so much. Some surgeons wouldn't see half the surgeries that he did in a week. Yeah, surgeons were an odd bunch.

Every so often, he saw Sarah in passing, shooting flirtatious smiles, sneaky kisses and wistful glances. Connor felt like he was on top of the world.

"Dr Rhodes! Treatment 4."

"What have we got, Kimmi?"

"Female, early 30s, attempted to slice her own throat." The world slowed as he took in the patient's throat. Memory overlapped reality and he could barely hear what was happening around him. He couldn't breathe.

"Connor? Apply pressure to the wound, get Rhodes out of here and grab another attending. NOW, everyone, right now." Connor was vaguely aware of Sarah taking charge, in a brief moment of lucidity he realised he was on the ground, hyperventilating, then he was back in the past, his fingers pinching Ava's carotid, rushing her into surgery, desperately working with Latham, Ava bleeding out before they had a chance. The memory played itself over and over and over again until his throat was raw. Screaming, you're screaming.

"Give him the sedative." Mercifully, blackness took over his vision.

Sarah's heart broke as she held Connor's hand, stroking the hair out of his eyes. She wasn't totally sure, but it looked like some kind of PTSD episode. She hesitated for a moment before going to the doorway of the room. "Kimmi? Has someone asked for Doctor Campbell?" Kimmi glanced at Sarah. "Yeah, sugar, Dr Milton asked for him 10 minutes ago. He should be down soon." Sarah nodded, her heart thumping in her chest. There's nothing she could do but wait. She went back to stroking his cheek, hating the furrow between his brows, the frown at his lips.

"I love you, Connor. Lean on me."


Connor felt bleary as he slowly woke up, his head felt like he'd had one too many to drink. But I didn't have anything to drink…did I? His hand was warm. It took monumental effort to move his head to the side, where he saw a sleeping mass of curls. Warmth filled his chest. Sarah. Sarah. Sarah. He tried to remember what had happened. There was a patient? He couldn't remember… He blinked. His head hurt. He heard Sarah groan beside him and raise her head.

"Hey…what happened? Did I hit my head?" Sarah blinked at him, as though she needed to remember herself.

"No. Connor you had a… well it looked like a PTSD episode, baby." Connor lifted his head in alarm.

"There was a patient…what do you remember?"

"Nothing."

"She had tried to… slit her own throat." Sarah's hand was in his hair, soothing him. Connor shook his head, he didn't remember that at all, but the desolation, the panic? That he remembered. He gulped and snaked his arm around Sarah's waist, pulling her on the bed close to him.

"I told you Ava died…but I didn't tell you how." His voice crumpled. Sarah put her face into his neck, raising a hand to cup his cheek.

"You don't have to…"

"I think I do baby." Sarah peppered his neck with soft kisses.

"Lean on me, Connor." Connor held her close on his legs.

"I… my father died of an insulin overdose. I suspected Ava straight away from… well it was mostly a feeling. She made me feel as though I was insane, suspecting her. Then Latham told us that they could trace the insulin. I took one look at Ava's face…and I was certain. I followed her into a scrub room, started laying into her. I remember she called me an ungrateful prick… then next thing I know… she … she grabbed….a scalpel and-" Connor's whole body was shaking as he drew breath. "She sliced through her carotid. It all happened so fast." Connor choked up, holding back his emotions.

"Lean on me, Connor, let it out." Connor walls came crashing down.