There's nothing else to do but see You, now. Nothing I can do will change me any more than I already have. This is the only course left to me.
I am standing outside the room where You always seem to be. It's so still, and I'm not allowing myself to think about anything.
This is going to end it, end the search for fulfillment, either way.
Knock on the door. I have to.
Don't think about it!
My knuckles are an inch from the wood when a strong arm wraps around my waist and I am draped across a wide shoulder. "Hey, kiddo. It's not a good idea to play around like that. You're lucky he's not here today."
"Hello," I say simply, bringing my arm up behind him to rest my head. "You have school today, don't you?"
"How about a deal, okay? I won't ask why you were outside that particular door, and you won't ask about why I'm not in school."
"I just asked to be reported sick. It's easier than being caught."
"Didn't I say we're not going to talk about it?" he laughs as he takes me into the small dining room used for lunchtime and informal meals. All of us like it here because of the kotatsu, because sitting around the heat and laughing feels like something to connect us to reality. When we're both seated, he says pleasantly, "Alright, tell me what's worrying you."
I hesitate. Should I tell him about You? I settle on a lesser worry. "Well…do you have a special someone?"
His soft features darken, just a little bit. "I did, but she doesn't like me anymore."
"But you know what it's like to be in love with someone? The difference?"
"I sure hope so. Why?"
I fiddle with my long bangs, nervous. "Well, I'm sure that I know, too. The way I love you is different from how I love Him." I use the word that has been said before, "R-romantically."
He blinks, never one to react immediately. "You love him…like that? Wow."
I frown, and continue, "But both of those feelings are different from my best friend, too."
He watches me for a moment, and then laughs. "So, you have a crush on him, but you don't know what to call the feeling you have for you best friend?"
"I suppose so."
"Right then." He takes out a pad of sketch paper, and draws two stick figures holding hands. "This is friendship. This is what you feel for me, and a lot of other people."
Not very many other people, but I nod and assign the drawings his name and mine.
He draws another picture, with the figures facing each other and kissing. "This is love, like what you want with him, right?"
I nod again, blushing. I hadn't thought about that part. Romantic love, it suddenly dawned on me, would entail more than just kissing. How had I never even thought about that before?
"Well, the way I see it, there's only three kinds of love. There's friendship, and then love, and then," he scribbled a figure on its knees, before a figure surrounded by light, "the thing between a god and a believer."
The love a believer feels for a god…isn't for my best friend. And it's not for him.
I close my eyes, understanding. He is trying to tell me that I'm not in love with You. But I am!
When I don't answer, he just shakes his head. "I think that you should talk to your best friend about it. He might be able to help you."
"Well, do you love your best friend in a way different from friendship?" I ask hopefully. Does he have the same problem that I do? Can't he help? He has always been there for me, before.
He shakes his head again. "My best friend turned out to be my special someone. I know exactly what I feel for her. I just don't know what to do now, since she doesn't love me like that anymore and I don't have a special someone or my best friend."
"What did you do wrong, to make her not love you anymore? Shouldn't you change, so that she will again?"
He crosses his arms on the table and lays there, looking up at me. He seems very young, and unsure. "She loved this me, before. I don't want to change. The reason that she doesn't love me anymore is because…"
I know what he's going to say before he finishes. He's going to say that it's because of You. But it's not. It can't be! If You are so against all of us loving someone, how will You react to me when I tell You that I love You? Isn't this what You want?
Will You hurt me again, even if I say that I love You?
Before he says it, I stand up and slam my hands down on the table. "I-I have to go," I try to say forcefully, but it comes out as a whimper. You won't hurt me, I know it. You will be happy. You will love me back.
You have to love me back. Look how much I've changed for You.
How can You not be proud?
At the beginning, I know it was cruel. But I gave you Hope, that which is greatest of all things. Name that reference and I'll glomp you, haha. Oh, and that hope thing directly relates to Adi complaining about suspense. I'm evil. I hope you continue to read happily!
