"Okayee, men!" Mr. Krabs bellowed. Spongebob and Squidward sat in their boss' office. "What do you propose we do?"
"I propose we just work until then." Squidward replied. "Nothing you can do to stop it."
"Aye, I suppose, I suppose." Mr. Krabs answered calmy, then exploded. "WHAT DID YOU SAY? WE CAN STOP IT!"
"No, we can't!" Spongebob sighed. "Katie sued us, Mr. Krabs. Look!" he said.
Mr. Krabs took a piece of paper from Spongebob's hand and shrieked, then paled, so that he was no longer a red crab but a white crab. Spongebob dashed a bucket of underwater water on him, and Mr. Krabs returned to a normal color. He banged his big, meaty claw on the table and yelled out a few choice swear words. The two employees stared at each other, and then back at their boss, who looked fit to break his shell. Squidward hid behind his magazine, but the yellow sponge tried to calm Mr. Krabs.
"Mr. Krabs, it's okay!" he soothed in his most calming voice. "It'll be all right!"
"No, it won't, laddie!" Mr. Krabs sobbed. "She's suin' me for five thousand dollars! Apparently them boil creams and treatments be expensive!"
"Oh, no, Mr. Krabs!" Spongebob screeched in horror, his voice sounding like fingernails on a blackboard. "How much money do you have?"
"Nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine dollars and ninety-nine cents." Mr. Krabs whispered.
"You're worried about losing five thousand dollars?" Squidward laughed. "HAW, haw, haw!"
Mr. Krabs pinched Squidward's long nose and glared at him before crumpling the sheet of paper. He announced to the Krusty Krew that he expected to see them as witnesses in court on Saturday, the day that the case—Troutington (Katie) vs. Krabs would be heard. That was the last thing the bluish, sarcastic, cetacean wanted to hear, but the brightly colored sponge gasped out eagerly that he would love helping the Krusty Krab.
"All rise for the honorable Judge Howard Toothis!" said a court official. A judge walked into the Bikini Bottom courthouse. A shark walked up to the podium and looked around at Mr. Krabs, Squidward, and Spongebob, in the plantiff's box, and Katie, her lawyer, and a few fish in the defendant's box. He wondered why eccentric Mr. Krabs didn't have a lawyer, then realized that he probably thought a lawyer was too expensive. He called the creatures to stand, and then had Katie's lawyer list the charges. Katie, covered in scars from the boils, pouted at the plaintiffs.
"My client, Katie Troutington, ate onions at the Krusty Krab, but she didn't know it." announced the lawyer, rubbing his clammy, cold, fishy front fins together like hands. "Her medical bills totaled four thousand, five hundred dollars! We are demanding five thousand because of pain and suffering."
"Aye, pain 'n suffering nothing!" Mr. Krabs muttered to Spongebob. Squidward yawned and looked around the courtroom. He was obviously bored and disgusted at losing his weekend, but there was nothing he could do. Pretty soon, he was called up as the first witness. He plodded up to the witness' stand, swore to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and yawned. Then the judge asked questions.
"Mr. Tennis Shoes…" the judge began.
"Tentacles!" Squidward snapped.
"Mr. Intestinals…" the shark started to say.
"Tentacles!"
"Mr. Tinkles…" the judge continued, annoyed, "let's just get on with this, okay?"
"Fiiine." Squidward grumbled. "As long as I can get out of here."
"Mr. Tetanus Shots, did this young lady say something to the effect of, 'one this-and-such, no onions?"
"We don't serve 'this-and-such' at the Krusty Krab, we serve glop!" Squidward chuckled. He began to laugh his annoying, nasal laugh. "Haw, haw. Glop. Gotta remember that one."
"Sir!" the sharky judge snapped, "Did Katie order her food without onions?"
"No." Squidward answered, "She said, 'I'll have a triple Krabby Patty Supreme with double cheese'"
The jury began to murmur and the stenographer took notes. It was quiet in the courtroom before Squidward left the stand and a certain sponge was called up. Judge Toothis sighed, remembering the few times when Spongebob had appeared for jury duty, annoying everyone, even the suspects, with his annoying little laugh as he listened to the case and laughed at funny words or things he didn't understand, like money laundering, which he thought was washing clothes for pay. Shaking his head, the shark asked Spongebob a question.
"Mr. Squarepants, are there always onions on a triple Krabby Patty Supreme with double cheese?"
"Yeah!" Spongebob replied. "They're tasty!"
"Ms. Troutington," asked the judge, did you ask to omit onions?"
"No!" Katie wailed. "There was no sign warning about onions!"
One by one, each of Katie's witnesses were called up. They'd been dining in at the Krusty Krab at the time she'd eaten the onions, and they all professed there was no warning sign up about onions. Everyone, save Spongebob and Mr. Krabs, began to look concerned. Even Squidward looked concerned. He knew that in today's world, if there weren't warnings on practically everything, there would be trouble, because sooner or later, whatever company, store, or eating establishment didn't put warnings on even the silliest things was responsible for the consequences. It was stupid, but it happened. Squidward was a very smart octopus, but nobody every bothered talking to him about news and politics, the things he was interested in—besides clarinet playing and interpretive dance.
"I even have pictures of the Krusty Krab for my photo album!" said a new resident to Bikini Bottom. "I took pictures because the burgers are so darn tasty!"
The judge looked at the photos and gasped. "No sign warning about onions? Lots of people have allergies to onions! Why not, Mr. Krabs?"
"Wellll…" Mr. Krabs said uncomfortably. "I didn't want to buy anymore paint than I needed! It would've been fifty-six cents to paint the sign. And why would I do that? I'm trying to save money! Sweet, sweet money! Money, money, money. I love money."
"Will the jury please go and make their decision?" asked the judge. Squidward, Mr. Krabs, and Spongebob went to get lunch at the Krusty Krab while the jury decided. Everyone except Katie ate at the Krusty Krab, too. Squidward ordered a small drink, having an aversion to Krabby Patties, but everyone else ordered the original, one and only Krabby Patty. Some people requested 'no onions', to Mr. Krab's relief. He still didn't want to paint the sign for fifty-six cents. Everyone sat down to eat, but all three Krusty Crew members were worried. Spongebob didn't want the Krusty Krab to close because he loved making Krabby Patties for people. Mr. Krabs, of course, didn't want to lose money. And Squidward didn't want the restaurant to close because he didn't want to lose the job right now; he was practicing for the Great Clarinet Trials at nearby Pearltown. If the Krusty Krab closed, he'd have to spend his time finding a new job, and he wouldn't be able to practice as much.
Before long, the stenographer announced that it was time to go back to the courtroom.
"We, the jury, have unanimously awarded the case to Ms. Katie Troutington. Mr. Krabs must pay five thousand dollars to her." announced Sheila, a gray fish in a green dress, who had coiffed white hair. The next instant, a horrible sound erupted in the courtroom. It was a loud, crunchy, cracking sound, like a bunch of bugs being stepped on at once. Then…
"Yaarg! Me money!"
Mr. Krabs had broken out of his shell in frustration and began to sob.
"Me money!" he choked, his tears flowing like fountains. "Gone…money…no more!"
"Mr. Krabs…" Squidward ventured, "it's just five thousand dollars. It's okay! You've still got the restaurant."
"Don't remind me, Squidward!" Mr. Krabs gasped, running out of the courtroom. His employees followed, but he didn't pay attention. He bawled as if he'd broken his leg, and even Spongebob was beginning to feel embarrassed as other Bikini Bottom residents stared at him. Pearl and some friends were walking by, talking about high school, when the passed the scene.
"Isn't that your dad?" asked Laura Roughy. Pearl turned pink, because everyone knew Mr. Krabs was her father. Her friends began to snicker. Mr. Krabs sat down on a bench outside the courtroom to collect himself, but he didn't notice his daughter.
"Daaaaddy!" Pearl wailed from a few yards away. "What are you doing?"
The middle-aged crustacean looked at his daughter and sobbed anew.
"We've lost five thousand dollars, Pearly!"
"So?" Pearl growled. "You don't need to make a scene!"
There was no answer but the quiet groaning of Mr. Krabs as he headed for home, saying he needed to think about it. His daughter swallowed hard and stomped off, her friends in tow. They were trying not to snicker, but it was hard. Pearl was fed up, so she took off for home also, excusing herself to her friends. She avoided her father and went into her room, listening to the latest song by the hit band Red Tide.
While all this had gone on, a crowd had gathered at the courtroom. Patrick Star came up to Spongebob, wondering what was going on.
"Hey Spongebob, are you waiting for the football game with everyone?" he asked.
Spongebob laughed his characteristic laugh. "No, buddy!" he answered brightly. "Mr. Krabs lost five thousand dollars, but we'll work hard to get it back!"
Patrick began to dig in the sand.
"No, Pat! He got sued!" Spongebob laughed while waving good-bye to Squidward, who was heading home. Earlier that day, Mr. Krabs had told his employees not to bother coming in, as he was going to shop around for the cheapest paint—to paint the 'we serve onions' sign, remember?—that day and didn't want to risk being sued again in the process.
"Sue?" the starfish screeched, confused. "Who's Sue? Why does Mr. Krabs want her? And what does that have to do with money?"
"No, Patrick!" the yellow sponge said, as if talking to a small child. He spoke slowly. "Katie Troutington ate onions at the Krusty Krab, but she didn't know it. She got sick, so Mr. Krabs pay had to back the cost of her medicine!"
Patrick gave Spongebob a blank look, and then the two friends walked back to their houses. Mr. Krabs, a few blocks away, was sitting on his doorstep and bemoaning his misfortune.
"You poor man!" said an old lady walking by. "You look so sad. Have a quarter!"
"I don't need yer smelly quarter!" Mr. Krabs yelled, giving it back to her. "I've got me pride!"
The elderly fish walked off, disgusted.
"I may have lost me money, but I still got me pride!" Mr. Krabs shouted as if he wanted the world to hear.
A few minutes later, he was in front of Cheap-o-World, the local discount store, dancing around in a yellow price tag costume and singing the store's slogan.
