((O ho ho ho, talk about on a role (for me:P) ))
A big thank you to those who reviewed me for both the first and second chaptire - Noir Rose and Cherry Tiger. The rest of you reviewers rock, but these girls are exceptionally awesome. And to the few people who added to favorites or alerts without reviews, I waggle my finger at you. :P You know who you are, and so do I.
Disclaimer: Syaoran, Kotori, and all the people I may throw in, as well as their series belong to CLAMP-sama! The rest is mine, not yours!
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Incurable - A TRC Syaoran Drama/Tragedy fic
Chaptire 3 - Names
Rated T for mild violence and, le' gasp! A swear:P
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To be in her arms again... Syaoran inhaled deeply, ignoring the sent of sanitary spray - a janitor had come through to clean after a particularly bloody episode after the young nurse's departure the day before. He found himself slipping into his memories again, as he so often did, shoving the ugly white from his eyes, and retreating into the safety of earlier times, with her.
'Syaoran-kun!' The young girl tugged gently at his sleeve, her jade eyes alight. 'Nee, Syaoran! Do you think I could do that someday?' She pointed upwards at an elegant woman in fine silks prancing delicately across a wire meters above.
I-isn't that dangerous, Princess? What if you fall? The voice stammered - his own voice, as a small boy. The girl, the princess, turned her head in reply, flashing a determined smile that turned into utter delight.
'I'll practice really hard! Then, when I'm good enough, I'll show Syaoran-kun what I can do!'
'What are you doing, Syaoran-kun? Why are you holding that...' The young voice faded, the sounds of the circus ceased, and an older, terrified voice rose. 'What are you doing? Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong to you?' The voice chocked with tears, the reflection of the blade in his hand, uncontrollable, despite every fiber of his being willing him not to hurt...
"Syaoran!" A swift jostling of his clothing brought him back to the land of ugly white. The damn white existence that was his life now. Colorless, friendless, empty but for the thoughts of what he had done...
He looked, unsmiling at the young blonde before him. The doctor. "Kotori-san?" She saw, and yet she still trusts me? After what I did... He sat up to meet her calm gaze. "You're not hurt, are you?"
She shook her head, smiling. "I'm fine, you didn't mean it." But Syaoran noticed a discolored mark on cheek from where she had collided with the so-called 'safe' wall.
I didn't mean for any of it to happen, and it did. What difference does it make if I meant it or not? They're all still... he let his mind ponder over her words, and obviously began to drifting into his mind, as she tapped him lightly on the shoulder, concerned. "So... why is it that you call me Kotori-san? Is it... part of your true culture?"
"It shows your respect for another. to call one 'san' is showing casual respect, while 'sama' is more formal..." He paused to make sure she was still listening, and saw her eyes, apparently enthralled by the idea of honorifics. She grabbed his hand, as if urging him to continue. "Then for friends," he continued, quietly, "'-chan', '-kun' or sometimes things like '-tan' or '-wanko' in playfulness..." His eyes flashed at the familiar syllables, and remembered...
'Uwaahhh! Kuro-wanko is being a bad puppy!' He saw the familiar blonde man, tall, thin, in an outfit suitable for a cafe waiter. In his hand, he held a drawing of two puppies and two kitties, one large and one small. He smiled at a steaming, hulk of a man, with jet-black hair and narrowed red eyes. He was wearing a baggy robe and pants with slightly-platformed wooden sandals.
'A bad puppy, a bad puppy! Lock him outside!' a squeaky white bunny-thing echoed from its perch on the glaring man's shoulder.
'What was that? I told you! I'm Kurogane!'
The one called 'Kurogane' fumed and gripped the hilt of his sword threateningly.
'Looks like the puppy is mad, nee?' The blonde mused, a squeak of 'Wai!' Coming from the white creature, as it leapt away from Kurogane. This sent the large man hurtling after the thin one and the ball, shouting cries of 'bastard' and 'It's Kurogane!', to the happy reply of a 'hyuu hyuu!' from the pursued.
The vision moved toward a bar counter, where a young girl sat sighing, as she dried dishes. A mirror behind her reflected the chase behind them, and the tired brown eyes and darker hair - his own reflection, beside one of the back of the girl.
'It's starting again...' she said with a sigh. He saw himself nod, at the smiling girl in waitress attire.
As it always does, Sakura-hime. She smiled in return, her green eyes reflecting the light from the room, and then...
He returned, out of breath, to the blank prison, sitting beside the wide eyed doctor. She... saw it too? Syaoran gasped, and reached with his other hand to pry her hand from his. She inhaled, eyes flashing, hands trembling.
"Syaoran, how? I saw... your memory, through your eyes..." Kotori sat trembling, a frightened look reminding Syaoran of the last time he saw her...
No. He wouldn't be brought back to that yet... "I... I'm so sorry, but I don't know how I did that to you." He looked away, eyes full of regret at what he had exposed Kotori to not only yesterday, but today and the potential of what he could reveal tomorrow. "You should stop coming here. I can't be saved from anything. I'm... Incurable." the word tasted bitter in his mouth, he had admitted he belonged in that white prison. But wasn't it true? He certainly couldn't undo what had happened, and did he really deserve to walk free after his horrible acts?
"I don't care about any of that." Syaoran was surprised, as he looked up to see her leaning over him, a look of determination on her face, mirroring that of his princess. "I don't care about your past. I don't care if you hurt me sometimes, because... if I can share just a little of your pain, perhaps that can help you heal." She gripped both his his hands and their eyes truly met.
"I don't know where you're from, how you came to kill and replace Li Syaoran, or if the disease of your regret has a cure... but I won't give up." She smiled. "I stand by what I said when I first met you. I will do anything I can to help you. But I need you to let me inside you heart."
Syaoran was left speechless by Kotori's declaration. For reasons unknown to him, tears welled up in his eyes. Where to begin? "She was the Princess of Clow. The light for the kingdom - a potential queen. Her name... was Sakura... and..." his voice trailed off.
Kotori nodded, urging him on with a squeeze of the hand. Syaoran closed his eyes and felt the memories flooding back to him. "She was, and will always remain, the most important person to me!" His voice rose, and he felt himself sink into the depths of his memory, searching for the moment that started it all. The beginning of the end of everything he had once loved.
'This girl has lost something precious... and that precious thing has been scattered across many dimensions.'
The tall woman, clad in an elaborate dress of black with white detailings, looked down upon the lifeless girl, wrapped tightly in his arms. It was pouring rain, soaking all of their clothes, but still, his grip on the princess did not loosen.
'If nothing is done, she will die.'. Die? Sakura, the one who had always supported him, trusted him, possibly cared for him... and now... 'Do you wish to save her? There will be a price...'
YES! If there is anything I can do, I will do it! His cry echoed throughout the rain-soaked courtyard. More than anything, that was his wish. But what could he do to save her? And how would he pay?
The memory turned cloudy, parts of it had faded over time, until the vision became clear once more. Two figures now stood on either side of him, the solemn man in black, and the tall blonde, a hooded coat obscuring his face.
'Syaoran... your price is your relationship.'
My...how? his voice faded, full of confusion.
'Even if you recover all of her memories, the relationship you shared will not be recovered.' The woman was solemn, but no sign of regret could be seen in her eyes. 'So what is this girl to you?'
My childhood friend... his voice choked with tears managed to whisper. And the princess of a country, but also... She is the most important person to me! Syaoran's voice became a scream, and he shut his eyes, fighting back tears.
'If you choose to accept Mokona, this relationship will be gone. The memories of her past with you, will never be restored. This is your price.' He opened his eyes, and looked directly into hers. 'Will you pay it?'
I will. Syaoran raised his head fully, masking his tears to meet her piercing gaze. I will not let Sakura die! His last words rang in the air, and the vision faded to blackness, that of his own closed eyes. He felt the warmth of Kotori's hand in his, and inhaled deeply.
He felt a sudden drop of moisture on his hand - his own tears? No... hers.
"Syaoran... You said 'Sakura'..." her voice trailed off, leaving the thought unfinished. Syaoran waited patiently, eyes still closed. "To not use a name, like 'san'... what does that mean?"
He stiffened, and felt a tear slide fully-formed down his cheek, and sat for a moment. When at last he couldn't contain it any more, a reservoir broke within him, and he began to cry, openly, being taken back once more...
'Syaoran-kun!' the little girl called out to him, her green eyes reflecting the light from the setting sun. 'From now on, would it be okay if I called you just "Syaoran"?'
'My brother told me that you can call people you especially like by only their names!' She smiled, reaching for his hands. 'So you can just call me "Sakura", nee? Syaoran?'
With the last syllable of his name echoing in her ears, Kotori awoke as if from a dream, and rubbed her eyes. She released Syaoran's hand abruptly, and looked over to him, to see that he had been released from the memory. And he had.
The brown haired boy sat, head pressed to his knees, his chest movements jerky. Kotori heard a soft whimper, and a hiccuping sound escape his hidden mouth.
"Syaoran..." Kotori whispered, resting her head against his knee, placing a hand on his clenched ones. "You loved her..." She remembered the first memory she'd seen of him - the man with the empty eyes, the girl bound and bruised on the floor, the knife in his hand...
No... but then he... Kotori felt her heart beat quicken. She had to know what happened. Why had Syaoran... "And now she's... gone?" She knew the last word was like a blade to the heart, and heard him emit a small whine. So pitiful, like a lone wolf, his life spared by a hunter, only to be left among the slain, only to grieve.
In this way, Syaoran had opened his heart, for the first time. The wall he had put up had begun to fall, and with it, the water it restrained. He had cried before, moaned before, all in dreams though. This was new, this was here and now, his current pain - the tears that fell like rain.
"Sa...ku...ra.." he hiccuped in between syllables, as he leaned sideways, against an awaiting Kotori. She gently stroked his hair, as his tears dampened them both. At last, after all the pain, the loss and tragedy, he had found a safe place to cry.
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Ahh... that was a lovely little angst right there. Done mainly in Syaoran's point of view, with a few lapses here and there. Bordering on sap at the end with all the crying, sorry folks!
A big thanks to everyone who reviewed, and for Nakuru-chan for being this chaptire's crash-test dummy.
Chaptire 4 should come soon. Reviews leave me inspired. :)
