A/N: Hey! Here I am. I hope I didn't make you wait terribly. I have to tell you now, there will be a few Original Characters in this story, too. Don't worry, no Mary Sues, ok? And this WILL be Tatsu till the end, as I said in the prologue. I know this chapter kinda sucks, but bare with me, it'll get good.
Enjoy!
DEAD RECKONING
CHAPTER ONE
Tsuzuki strode along the park outside the JuOhCho building. It was a beautiful day, as usual, and the oldest shinigami of the ShokanKa took on the scent of the Sakura petals carpeting the ground beneath his feet. He loosened his tie and shielded his eyes from the afternoon sun to look at the tiny bits of pale blue sky visible through the countless tree leaves. He'd sneaked out of the office, escaping work- amongst other things- in hopes that the pleasant scenery would help him clear up his tired mind.
It had been a rough couple of months, for sure, and they were starting to take their toll. Recovering from the Kyoto debacle hadn't proved easy, yet Tsuzuki could already feel the wounds healing. If anything, he believed the whole ordeal had helped him grow stronger, rather than ruining the little peace he'd had before. His friendship with Hisoka had grown nothing if not deeper; they were both helping each other get through it and he thought they were doing a fine job at it. But it had still been quite a lot of work; tiring, demanding work, and he'd made a habit of taking little breaks during the day, some time to be alone and meditate about the way things were going.
Not everything was good. Not even close. If his relationship with Hisoka had improved, he'd have to say all his other relationships had decayed in equal proportion after Kyoto. Everyone treated him different now, as if they were walking on glass every time they were around him. He appreciated the concern he could see in everyone's eyes, but had a little trouble dealing with the apprehension he found there as well. He figured it would pass; eventually, people would see that he was not always on the brink, that he was not that frail. And then things would be back to normal; who knew? They could even get better.
There was one, though, one he'd counted amongst his closest friends, one he held dear above all others, who hadn't just turn awkward around him. He'd simply removed himself from his life altogether, and it tore him up inside.
Everyone had a theory; some believed Tatsumi might be sick, some said that the accountants were giving him hell and he was too busy, some were simply perplexed. Tsuzuki knew better though. The secretary didn't attend morning meetings anymore, didn't have breakfast, or lunch, in the break room with everyone else; every time someone saw him wondering around the halls, they would tell everyone else immediately, as if they had just seen a movie star or something. And Tsuzuki let them whisper and theorize, as the hole in his heart grew at an alarming rate. He knew he would have sounded self-centred if he were to tell anyone, but he knew, beyond doubt, that Tatsumi's conspicuous absence was his fault, and his alone.
He didn't really know what it was that he'd done, but it hurt to think that he'd finally managed to push the other away for good. After the conversation they'd had in the infirmary when he was recovering from his wounds, Tsuzuki had hoped that what had happened wouldn't destroy what it had taken them so long to build. For a while, they had began to mend the bridges of their relationship; they had been growing closer. For a fleeting moment, Tsuzuki had even hoped they would some day take that step they hadn't been able to take all those years ago. He, however, didn't remember a time when Tatsumi had been so distant. Now he feared there would be no turning back.
Finding a perfect spot under a tree, Tsuzuki sat down on the grass and leaned against the trunk. It was curious, but he thought he was starting to reconcile with that beautiful place. It had always seemed so unfair to him that they, that lived thanks to the death of others, got to enjoy such paradise. But now he had to admit that, with all the hardships they had to endure, it was nice to have such a place. It had become a sort of haven for him, though it was also tainted with nostalgia. His eyes caught sight of the garden table at a distance, where he and Tatsumi had shared a cup of tea so many times before. Not anymore; Tsuzuki had showed up everyday for the last few weeks, hoping that his suspicions would prove wrong, hoping he would turn his head and see the blue eyed man smiling down at him, berating him for sleeping on the ground, and everything would be ok again.
His eyelids began to feel heavy, drunk as he was on the eternal spring air. It didn't matter if he had to wait a hundred years, he would still go there, everyday, until Tatsumi showed up again, until he was ready to start over. With a sad smile, Tsuzuki drifted of to sleep.
Tatsumi left Konoe's office, closing the door behind him with a soft click. He had to smile at the memory of the chief's face when he told him. In all his years there, he'd never seen the old man so shocked. He supposed it was a bit of shocking news; he'd shocked himself when the thought had crossed his mind the first time. Now he couldn't think of anything that made more sense.
He was tired, and not only because of the little sleep he was getting. He was tired of having to avoid everyone, of having to make a superhuman effort to keep up the façade every time he had to face someone. Sometimes, he was sure the reputation he'd made for himself would be the end of him. Everyone expected him to be cool-headed and controlled at all times; he had been, for the longest time. He'd denied his every feeling, pushed aside his own personal interests for the sake of the job. But no one could be so in control all the time; it simply wasn't possible.
Tatsumi wasn't alright; this was about Tsuzuki, after all, the one person who had the power to shake the foundations of his life and sanity. He was a wreck and he knew it. He couldn't sleep, he couldn't eat; the effort of keeping the act up alone was deteriorating his already battered nerves more than he could account for. But, unlike the amethyst eyed man, Tatsumi didn't have the luxury of break-downs.
Everything had started after Kyoto, of course. When else? Yes; for a split second that night, Tatsumi had found the prospect of Tsuzuki being gone forever to be slightly appealing. But that had been an aberration, one moment of irrationality before he realised the monstrosity of that thought and pushed it away from his mind. Now, his subconscious seemed to want to convince him that it had been his only reason for not wanting to rescue Tsuzuki from Touda's fire. It hadn't been; it couldn't have been called even a minor reason, or a reason at all. His nightmares, however, seemed to think otherwise. And as much as he didn't want to dignify those treacherous dreams with the slightest of considerations, he couldn't keep them out of his mind. They were destroying him, breaking down every wall he'd ever built to protect himself from certain- inappropriate- feelings and leaving him helpless. He couldn't even look at Tsuzuki in the face anymore, without feeling like a traitor and a murderer.
The secretary knew that he had to get a grip. He couldn't hide forever, as much as he wanted at the moment, like he had for the last couple of weeks. It couldn't be that hard, though, could it? To get a hold of those feelings. It wasn't like he'd never done it before. All he needed to do was find the time to think, remember why it was that he'd decided to stay away from Tsuzuki and his feelings for him in the first place, and he would be himself again. And he thought he'd finally come across a solution, as unheard of and uncanny as it seemed.
His feet drove him outside, where he knew he would be. After avoiding him for such a long time, it felt odd to know that he was going to see him, to talk to him, willingly. But there was no choice- no risk- this time, and he was secretly looking forward to it. He had to admit he'd missed him; he always missed him when he wasn't around, even if it had been ten minutes since the last time he'd seen him. But his urge to see Tsuzuki had been nothing compared to the shame and hurt he would feel when he was face to face with him, so he'd kept his distance. There was no need for that now.
It didn't surprise him in the slightest to find the violet eyed man asleep against a tree trunk. He knelt next to the man and brushed a few wild strands of ebony hair away from his beautiful face. Tsuzuki's skin was warm under his fingers, his cheeks flushed and his precious lips slightly parted. He looked like a child, so innocent and pure. His heart ached at the sight of his peaceful expression, he envied and craved that peace for himself, he wanted that expression to be his doing. The man stirred under his ministrations, leaning into the touch and letting out a pleased moan. Tatsumi hated himself for liking the effects his caresses were having on Tsuzuki so much, but he couldn't bring himself to pull his hand away. He did not deserve to touch such wonderful creature. The satisfaction he felt at Tsuzuki's reaction was wrong, perverted. What would Tsuzuki think of him if he knew what went on in his mind every time he touched him? What would Tsuzuki think of him if he knew what he dreamt of at night, when he wasn't dreaming of wanting his death?
Tatsumi withdrew his hand, sighing. Not five minutes had passed in Tsuzuki's presence and he was faltering again. There was no use in torturing himself like that. It was at that moment that he was finally sure his decision had been the right one. He shook Tsuzuki's shoulders gently and quickly slipped on the carefully rehearsed mask. The amethyst eyes fluttered open, focussing on him immediately, even before the man had time to wake up fully, and Tatsumi backed away slightly until he felt he was at a safe distance.
"Tatsumi?" he asked softly, disbelievingly.
Tatsumi just smiled politely at him.
"I've told you many times, you'll catch a cold if you sleep like this."
Tsuzuki's face lit up and he smiled brightly, straightening up. Tatsumi had to try hard not to wince. The amethyst eyed man seemed truly happy to see him and he realised it wasn't only himself he was hurting by ignoring the other man. He had hoped, in his sick, perverted mind, that Tsuzuki had missed him too, but now that he saw proof of it with his own eyes, he could only feel guilty. As if he didn't have enough reasons to feel guilty already.
"Did you bring tea?" Tsuzuki asked hopefully. The secretary shook his head.
"I just came here to tell you something, then I'm leaving."
Tsuzuki seemed disappointed at this, but his smile was set firm on his face.
"What did you want to tell me?" His expression changed to one of concern- fear, maybe?. "Are you gonna scold me for sneaking out of the office? Because I have you know Konoe said I could!"
He couldn't stop himself from chuckling slightly.
"Don't worry, I'm not here to scold you." He hesitated, trying to find a way to say what he wanted to say without sounding overly dramatic or worrying the other man; in short, he wanted to find a way to say it without showing what it meant to him. "I just wanted to say good bye."
Tsuzuki blinked in confusion.
"Good bye? Where are you going?" And then his features filled with something Tatsumi couldn't identify. It seemed like fear, but more intense, something aking to despair, but not quite. "Tatsumi, don't tell me you... you..."
Realising what the other man had interpreted, Tatsumi quickly raised a hand to wave him off.
"Don't be silly, it's nothing of the sort." Relief washed through Tsuzuki's face. "I'm just going on a trip. I came across this brochure of a lovely, not too expensive hotel by the sea and couldn't think of anything else afterwards. I'm just taking a bit of a break, if you will."
"A vacation?" Tsuzuki's expression pretty much matched that of Konoe's a while before. "But... but... you don't take vacations!!" the violet eyed man said, alarmed. "In all the years I've known you, you've never taken time off, aside of our yearly holiday! And even for that we had to convince you not to bring work with you!"
"Well," Tatsumi pushed his glasses up his nose. "That's it, precisely. In all these years, I've never taken a real vacation. I think it couldn't hurt, right?"
Tsuzuki seemed to consider it for a moment, but still seemed reluctant to believe it.
"Really? You're not pulling my leg?"
"No. I'm telling you the truth. Is it really that hard to believe?" he had to smile at Tsuzuki's adamant nod.
"Yes!" Tsuzuki sounded outraged, but he could see the laughter in his eyes.
"Anyway," Tatsumi shook his head, chuckling. "I'm leaving tonight and I wanted to tell you in person and say good bye."
"Tonight?" Tsuzuki opened his eyes wide in surprise. "Will you be gone for long?" the other man asked, dread creeping into his voice. Tatsumi frowned.
"I don't know. I'll come back when I feel... rested. I don't know how long that'll take."
"I see," Tsuzuki said sadly. He focussed his big violet eyes on him, and Tatsumi thought he could see a kind of understanding in them that made him nervous. Before he had time to prevent it, Tsuzuki had his arms around him, hugging him tight. "I'm gonna miss you," he whispered, and Tatsumi had to swallow the lump that formed in his throat.
"Yeah, well;" Tatsumi stammered, overwhelmed by the scent of the other's hair. "It's not like you'll never see me again." It was the truth; he was just going away for a while- hopefully a short while- yet that farewell seemed so definitive, so final. He knew that, once he came back, he would not feel the same for him. Perhaps that was it; he knew he couldn't come back if he still held those disgusting feelings, if his heartbeat still quickened every time he had Tsuzuki in his arms. He pulled away rather abruptly, though Tsuzuki didn't seem to notice- and if he did, he didn't show it- standing up. "Take care of yourself, will you?" His voice broke a little.
Tsuzuki only nodded, his gaze darkened with grief. Tatsumi didn't wait more than a second to turn around and walk away. It was the right thing to do, he repeated over and over again in his mind.
Tsuzuku
Nine reviews, niiiice!
Hugs to Zatken, BakayaroManiac, dodger-chan, JoriWinter, azdriel, Schatten Wolfendorf, makasarili, ManderNaner and specially to lyn. She's to blame for this, not I, heh heh.
Ja Ne!!
