For those who follow and read my most recent story know… You know that I had a long drive down to Uvalde back in May of this year (2022). I needed something, anything, to get out of my head- or rid myself of the mass of things going on with me. Anger, rage, pain, depression, sorrow- It was too much at times. So as my husband drove us down to visit with his family, I typed, retyped, deleted, and rewrote this so many times in order to distract me from my own anguish.
I think we both cried off and on.
GTA IV holds a very dear and near place in my heart. It was pivotal in my life back in 2008.
But if you are triggered by death, violence, utter gut-wrenching pain… Do not read. I did my best to convey my own grief through Niko's eyes, knowing I would see it all the second we left the vehicle to greet our family.
The cutscene was the most heart-breaking scene (besides Roman's) in the game, and I still have trouble rewatching it while playing.
aaaaaa
"You fucking double crossing immigrant shit!"
Gun fire, as loud as he had ever heard it, roared within the street. A force pulled him backwards; his arms trying to catch Kate so she wouldn't get hurt when they hit the concrete. Then he realized what had caused him to turn and nearly fall over.
Blood splattered his face and newly purchased suit as his grip on her body slipped and he nearly dropped her to the unforgiving ground. Her arm limply fell over his shoulder as they lowered to the chilled sidewalk outside the church. His eyes locked onto her face as the doubt clouded her expression.
His own disbelief mirrored her terrified eyes.
He knelt down, almost on top of her, his fingers shook as he gripped the sides of her light green sweater. Her warm blood rolled down to greet him. Shakily he lifted a hand to cup her cheek as she slowly blinked up at him. The familiar fog that filled his comrade's eyes as they passed on, seeped across her beautiful irises.
A stab of pain so great shot across his chest.
His hand cupped the back of her head, and he tore his eyes away from the nightmarish memories to see the damage done. Maybe there was hope? Maybe she had only been shot in an area where she could recover from? Perhaps if an ambulance arrived quick enough, she could be saved…
Afterall, he had sworn to protect her.
"The right person can make your life wonderful in the same way that the wrong one can ruin it. The problem is that it's difficult to tell which one the man you are with is…"
Her words screamed across his mind as he saw bullet hole after bullet hole. So much precious blood kept soaking her top and stained her skin. The bile rose in his throat, and he forced it down. He was just imagining it all. She had just passed out from shock, and he was just overlaying the injuries his friends had sustained during the ambush…
Her mouth was moving weakly, and he leaned down to hear her- to reconfirm to himself she was breathing, and it was okay. That this wasn't happening.
Her lips brushed against the shell of his ear, and snapped his eyes shut in order to concentrate.
"I… I-I… Love. I… lov-love y-you…" Her diminished voice, nearly gurgling, broke whatever was left within him.
"Do you think that the men you've been dealing with will let you walk off into the sunset?" Once more her words spoken within the confines of his Infernus slapped him across his face. Clearly, they were not going to just let him go.
He jerked upwards, not sure he had heard her right, and cupped her face. A trail of blood slowly rolled from the corner of her mouth as she kept wordlessly saying the phrase over and over again. Her diming blue-green eyes desperately tried to find his own as the cloud continued to overtake hers. His fingers wanted to dig into the side of her head as the anguish lashed over his back.
'She loves you…'
Her chest was not rising as much as it should and seemed to never rise to the same height with each struggled intake of air. More blood oozed from her mouth and now nose. She was drowning… His soul was drowning with her.
"How do I know that you're right for me? How do I know that I won't get hurt?" Her skepticism had hit the nail on the head… And it raked it's claws across his chest.
He dropped his hand to her waist to see if maybe he could cover the puncture wounds and keep the air from shoving her blood into her lungs. But his eyes kept darting around to this hole, and that- his ragged mind trying to remember where certain organs rested within the body that would be devastating when shot.
'Kate… There is so much blood… Give me a sign!'
His heart broke as her body quaked beneath his hands before going still. A stillness he had witnessed too many times after his friends had been attacked. The nonresistance that came with…
That came with death.
Niko lowered his face to her chest, begging whatever deity existed to let him hear her heartbeat. A faint thump lovingly caressed his ear before absolute silence filled the air. The words of his friends felt faint and distant, and he couldn't make out the words.
'I'll look after you, Kate. I promise I'll protect you.'
The absolute lie!
He rested his head against her and felt nothingness take over. His eyes trailed over the various cracks on the sidewalk as they overfilled with her blood. His ears longed to hear her breathing, her heartbeat, hell he would even take her chastising rants while drunk! The numbness formed within his fingertips before soaring up his arms and down his body.
"-Body call an ambulance! Call a fucking ambulance!" His cousin's voice vaguely reached him.
"There is nothing else I can say…"
"You don't need to say anything else."
The kind, tender, loving words she had given to him in response to his sentiment snapped the one thread he had been holding on to. She had been willing. Ready. Wanting to start something real with him. To jump off the deep end and see where their feelings and affection went.
So many times had she dropped hints at longing to be with him, while also guarding herself. How she cared for him, liked him, wanted to take a chance with him when she was ready.
The memories tore at him.
Her smile. Her laugh. Her teasing glare.
The longer pauses shared between them before she would shake her head and exit the vehicle outside the stoop of her Ma's house.
He pressed his forehead to hers and watched as the light completely shrank away from her open stare. Her soul leaving her physical body to join her brother in the afterlife.
Anger roared to life, and he wanted to shove up away from- from…
Her corpse.
"She's dead!" The bitter, rough accent ripped from his throat and conveyed the relentless distress he was feeling. She should not have been shot! Why had he not been lit up with the ten something rounds? He wanted to stand up, but his guilt forced him to look back down to her lifeless face.
He had once dreamed of stealing a kiss from her as they sat alone in his car outside the McReary brownstone. His thumb trailed over the now cooling bottom lip of the woman he had yearned to start a life with, blood smudging with the action.
"What? Oh shit. Shit, shit!" The over panicked voice of his cousin didn't even each his ears.
He would need to tell…
The thought of having to trudge up the steps of her home to let Packie and her Ma know stripped every last bit of joy and hope out of his soul.
"She… told me to leave it." It was a near whisper as the fear and doubt overtook his mind. His voice wanted to crack and break, but there was something else lurking under the surface.
"I thought I had. I thought it was over!" His voice rose as a consuming fury raged through his blood.
"It's never over, iyah." Little Jacob's statement tried to penetrate the bloodlust.
"Niko, you can't blame yourself." Roman's sincere voice somehow dripped down to his suffering soul, and the gentlest of touches to his shoulder broke the dam within.
He burst upright and turned to glare at his cousin, "Of course I can! She's dead!" His voice was hoarse with an emotion he had not experience since digging up his comrades from a ditch in his homeland. He shoved at Roman needing to expel some of the raw emotion that pounded away at him.
All the wanted to do now was jump into his car and chase down the asshole who shot- who shot…
'The love of my life…'
"Easy, easy, easy… I your brother, man, easy. Calm down, man, calm down." Little Jacob managed to punch through some of the pain and he turned away and covered his face with the heels of his hands. His body shook, his legs wobbled wanting to give out on him, and his mind spun so severely he thought he would pass out at any given second.
'Tell me, have these good people been hurt by what you've had to do?'
Her words as she turned in her seat to playfully question him burned behind his closed eyes. She had sounded serious, but he had seen the glint of mischief in her eyes, and the curl of her lip. She had always tried to lessen the heavier topics by sending him softer looks and peaceful vibes.
'Kate… I am so sorry…'
He turned once more to look down at her body. To the woman who had given him courage and hope that he could live a different life. A better one.
The blood kept sluggishly moving away from her, filling the cracks and dips in the sidewalk, and he wanted to look away. The sight would haunt him the rest of his life. But his eyes refused to move away from her eyes that appeared to follow his movements. To give him a painful, and questioning look.
Why did you let this happen?
Why didn't you protect me? Was I not worth it?
The shoving and ushering from his cousin and Little Jacob forced him to tear his eyes off of her. He didn't want to leave. He didn't want to abandon her outside the church like some kind of discarded kill…
She had meant more than that to him.
Her bloodied lips would remain un-kissed.
Her body would forever be pure and untouched.
They had slipped their hands together in the pews of the church. Her twinkling eyes shifting over to his before giving him a simple wink. Her head had gently leaned into his shoulder during the vows before he lifted it to let her snuggle into his side. Their touching kept evolving during the ceremony before it became almost a lifeline.
They walked out of the church together- Kate tucked into his side protectively. Her smiling face continuously looking up at him in wonder and awe. They laughed, smiled, shared longing glances and stolen, heated unspoken words. The reception would have been magical. There was no way he would have let her go the whole night without a kiss… Possibly more with the way her love shone in her eyes the mere seconds before-
The image of her eager eyes, delicately looking up into his own would forever be there when he closed his eyes.
Before the fear and pain encompassed her.
Revenge so overwhelming washed over him and he stalked down the street to his car. He would find Jimmy and end his life for the wrongs he had committed against him and the McReary family.
He would right the wrongs.
He would exact his revenge.
And then maybe- just maybe…
He would get the victory he longed for…
'I will always love you, Kate…'
aaaaaa
I needed to get this out there. To remove the block in my own heart. I need to get to better, happier thoughts so my other story doesn't suffer for it. I am sorry for unloading. But it has been beyond refreshing to go back through this note on my phone and fix things. Go back in time and revisit those emotions. I feel a touch lighter and like I am on the right path.
This world is too bleak at times, and I am thankful for the escape that videogames provide. That movies, books, fanfiction give to us when we just need to escape for a moment. A break is needed. Take it. Absorb those seconds away. It lifts the soul. One Love everyone.
Also- Happy early Halloween.
