Chapter 13: Homecoming
A lone figure, breath ragged, body ravaged, limped across the dusty plain. Her makeshift walking stick creaked in time with her bones. On occasion, she stopped to gasp for breath, but never for long; some inner fire drove her on, forced life and movement from flesh that long ago should have dropped dead from exhaustion. Rows of twisted vines stood watch on either side, crying purple tears of sympathy.
"(Unintelligible) bullets," muttered Chloe. "(Unintelligible) taxis. Horrid, stupid, (unprintable) ninjas!"
"Come on, girl!" squealed the voice in her head. "You're doin' great! Almost home! Go Chloe go! Rah! Rah! Rah!"
She pointed an imaginary fork at her forehead. The voice dropped her pom-poms and sulked.
Chloe stopped, and not just because she'd lost feeling in her legs, for once. "Over that ridge," she thought. "Is that…?" She squinted, wiped bandage out of her eyes and blinked. "White robes, purple fringe, chestnut hair…" She gasped. "It's her! My lady!"
"Altena!" The ecstatic cry rolled o'er hill and dale. She ran (well, limped), all sorrow and pain forgotten. A wellspring of joy (or was it an artery?) burst in her chest and filled her lungs with love. After all her trials, all her battles, all her suffering and ninjas, she was home! Back where she belonged, to the arms of the one who loved her so!
"Altena!" she cried, tears rolling down her cheeks.
Snap, went the walking plank.
Whump, went Chloe.
"Hate…the…world," she muttered.
"Chloe?" said an angelic voice.
She leapt to her feet (well, swayed, and it was more like her knees). "My lady!"
"Chloe!" said Altena. "At long last, you have returned!" They embraced. "Let me look upon your face, my child." She gasped. "Chloe? Why, whatever has happened to you?" She squinted at something in the distance. "And why is there a flaming wreck of a taxi upon yonder hill?"
A million flaming curses tried to fit through her lungs at once. She picked the most appropriate one, sighed, and laid her head on her lady's chest. "Ninjas," she said.
"Oh."
"But I did it, Altena!"
"Chloe, perhaps you should rest before —"
"I did it! I completed your sacred quest! Oh, there were hardships! Oh, there was danger! There were gangsters and rockets and ninjas and mean, nasty cliffs, but I did it, my lady! Your trust in me was not misplaced, for behold! I have brought to you du lait sacré, the holy MILK!" She presented it, triumphant. "Praise me?" she added, mentally.
Altena accepted it, confused. "'Milk'? But, Chloe, why did you…"
Her manic joy faltered just a bit. "The, the quest, my lady. The mission you entrusted to me? You, ah, sent me this letter, remember?"
The lady read the bloodstained, bullet-riddled page with difficulty. "Oh my," she said, after a while.
"What? What is it, my lady? Is it the wrong type? Is it expired?" I'll kill that freakin' shopkeeper, she thought.
"No, no, my dear, the, ah, lait sacré is in excellent condition. It's just that…oh, dear, this is embarrassing…"
"What? What is, my lady? Have, have I somehow brought shame to you?"
"No, you did well, Chloe. It's just that, well, after I sent that letter, I remembered that we lived next to a quaint agricultural village full of people fanatically dedicated to our cause, so I decided to walk down to Farmer Roy's house and borrow a jug." She scratched the back of her head, embarrassed. "Isn't that funny, Chloe? … Chloe? Chloe! Oh my. Borne! Marennes! (1) Bring a stretcher!"
(Footnotes)
1. Author's note: these are the name of the two talking nuns in the show. Marennes is the psycho with the sword. Borne gets shot by Altena, I think.
