Author's Note: Well, I must confess, I took longer than I thought because it was hard for me to write this chapter. You'll see why. I teared a few times proofreading it. I also had a hard time writing a specific scene and then having to proofread it. Plus it was hard for me to pin Kag's emotions down because she was bouncing off the walls at times. So it took me a little longer to get this out, but it was worth it. Please read the warning. This is going to be a hard chapter to read but I really want you to understand where Kags comes from, why her past really does haunt her (not just physically from Koga trying to find her but the deep, traumatic scars that she has). The only way I knew how to get you to understand is to write a specific scene the way I did. And this chapter will answer a lot of questions as to why Kags is the way she is (how she views love, how she views herself, how she view her love for Inu and his love for her and their future together). Everything comes out in this chapter. Well... most everything that has to do with her past and her self-image.
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha.
Warning: A dark chapter with child rape. Read at your own caution.
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R2R
susu-anon: Yes, I love Sai too. He's such a cute and admirable kinda man. As for Kagura, yeah she's just a hater lol. There's actually different categories of some of the working girls. The "professionals" being Kag, Ayumi and Midoriko. Kagura is the "freak". Yura is the "addict". Yuki is the "hustler". And the other girls aren't as high up on the ranks, or they don't really stand out that much, or they don't have any problems lol if that makes sense. Yes, I love how the professionals know their stuff, they know what they got and they know how to work it, and they know their clients and what pleases them. They are true professionals without having to try so hard. The "sky" is the "Midnite Sky", which are the four rooms upstairs in the club where the clients have to pay extra and book in order to have a private session with their girls. What happens in the sky stays in the sky- but there is a bar, couch and a pole. It's mainly a place for one-on-one, but not necessarily where sex has to happen. The professionals get booked in the sky too but they never offer services like that. All the girls has a list of what they do/want and the clients will sign a contract for a specific girl he wants based on what she can do for them. Doesn't mean the girl can't change her mind during her years working at Midnite. But yeah, the sky isn't a sex room. It's just a private room. Keep this in mind (hint hint ^_^) Yeah, you do feel bad for Inu, poor guy. But Kag needs to figure out her crap first and hopefully he loves her enough to stick around and wait for her. Anyways, thanks for your review!
anime-geek: Haha! Okay. First, yes, things will heat up, don't worry. Gotta wait for all that sex and sensuality lol. Yeah they both have a lot of growing to do. Right now, everyone only thinks Kags is the "messed up" one. Inu has demons of his own (but I will say not as bad as Kags). But they both need to grow in themselves and in their love for each other. Second... you hit the nail on the head with your review. I won't spoil it so go on and read. Thanks for your review!
hive-chan: Haha, sorry for that "short chapter" comment. It felt like a short chapter to me. I needed to wrap some things up and create some cliffhangers so that we could move on to the real meat. But as for Onigumo... he ain't bipolar, he's just a douche. Entitled, privileged, jerk off, whatever. He does own a gentlemen's club so his attitude on women is different from "most" men. Mmmm... let's take things one step at a time before we jump to Kikyo's next concert or a new business venture :) Thanks for your review!
Rosie B: Haha, well you thought it was a short chapter while others didn't. For your comment about Sai, yeah, you gotta love and hate that man. He's such a sweetie but he doesn't get it that Kag's heart is for Inu. He's going to have to learn the hard way. As for Onigumo, yeah he's definitely a manipulator. He knows what he has- he has a broken girl whom he took off the streets who ran from her husband and is in need of hiding. So he's going to exploit all that and her mental health to make her stay with him instead of thinking that she doesn't need him anymore (which she really doesn't). Hehe... yes, Kags has a thing for older men. Probably has something to do with her past or maybe she just likes dominant men who knows what they want and goes after it. They're not immature, they had the years to grow up and become stable (at least most do). Honestly, this is me lol. As for Inu catching scents on her... that is for next time :) Thanks for your review!
vanessa: Hahaha! I know I know. It wasn't an Inu/Kag chapter after we had some of them for the past 20 chapters, I get it. But Kag needs to go through her stuff and figure out what the heck she wants. Join the "I-wanna-shake-Kagome" train with Inuyasha and soon another person in this chapter lol. Sai/Kag didn't really "hook up" they just made out. Kag is a "professional" working girl and she doesn't do that kind of stuff, she doesn't have sex for many reasons which kinda has been explained but will be explained more. As for her friends loving her and her not seeing it... why don't you read this one and see why :) Thanks for your review!
xsophiex: Yeah I guess you could see Kags as being slutty. After you read this chapter, you'll see what she equates to as "love". The way she receives and gives love is different, unconventional, definitely not the norm. The way she deals with things is by keeping them in or to herself. And her smiling at Inu was her way of comforting him rather than herself. She was only thinking about him and wanting him to be happy because she can't make him happy. And you'll see why in this chapter. LOL- yes 6 days of dating. Months of working together and falling for one another but 6 days of official dating. But who's to say they stopped being in love with one another? We all know they still love each other :) Thanks for your review!
MinxieXCX: Yeah, the gender inequality still exists, in different parts of the world. Onigumo is just a douche and that's how he wants his girls- to be desirable, single and free-to-mingle, but never to date because then he would lose them. It's all about controlling a woman. Awww... I'm sorry to hear you feel like you're seeking your happiness. I have done a lot of work on myself to know that I have the power to change the way I see myself and my environment and my life. If I see myself as a victim of my circumstances/covid/restrictions/whatever... I will always be a slave to the government, to my rollercoaster emotions, to the "Karens". But I choose to see the good in everything, even in the ugly, because there really is good in everything, you just need to focus on that. I love going on walks (sunrise and sunset) and listen to health/fitness podcasts like 10% Happier, On Purpose, Impact Theory. These are motivational, thought-provoking and mind-changing. I also do things that make me happy like writing this story, doing cleanses for my health, exercising, going to the beach, learning Japanese. I hope that you can find your happiness again and start with the little things. It's the little things that will make a difference for you. Focus on what you can control (your happiness) and take hold of it! (Sorry I went on a rant but just wanted to encourage you if I could) Thanks for your review!
inusitter: Yes, the duet is on "hold" :) It'll come back though. Thanks for your review!
val-rommel: Did I stop updating long enough for you? Haha! I didn't update as quickly as I thought because it was a rough chapter to write but I'm back. Inu/Kag will grow and they'll probably keep growing together even if they aren't ready to be together. In their hearts they are... but things may be rocky, but at least they'll have each other. We see. Thanks for your review!
Rambling Anon: Wow... I can't express how appreciative I was when I first read your review. By the sound of your review, you sound... like a writer yourself (even though you wrote this sleep-deprived and on a phone. Kudos to you!). You have a good/eloquent voice, your thoughts are clear and concise, you obviously read a lot of fanfics and know what you like/don't like, and you've been around for a while in the world of fanfiction. So for you to drop a review like this for my story is very humbling, and I appreciate your well thought-out, detailed and complimenting review. I appreciate ALL reviews that I receive but I especially appreciate reviews like this. I love detailed feedback as it helps me to make sure my audience clearly grasps certain points/details. Reviews help me to gauge people's emotions and understandings. I have GOT TO SAY... you have caught on to a lot of the subtle hints I have thrown out in the last 20 chapters= things like "Bluebird" and Sai/Koga/Kag and even suggesting Rin to give Kags advice. So that, along with the entire review, brought a smile to my face. I hope you review some time again. You and Missyouneek818 give me such detailed/long reviews that I truly appreciate it. I hope one day I will hear back from you again. Thanks for your review once again!
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It was still early morning when she pulled into the Fujimoto estate. Kagome looked around at the huge, green land that the Fujimotos owned, too vast for her to see where their property actually ended. It was a beautiful property out here in the mountains and with the trees surrounding the back. Who wouldn't want to live out here away from the bustle and hustle of the city? It was a different world and not everyone was made for the countryside. But she loved it. She had always had a love affair with the city and with the country, since Shikoku had both of it, and she grew up in both areas. The car pulled around the front, making its way in the roundabout right up to the front door. Jinenji put the car in park and turned to look at her, placing his sunglasses on top of his head.
"Call me whenever you want to come back."
She smiled, truly grateful for his friendship. "I will. I'm thinking Wednesday night," wanting to give him a heads up.
Jinenji nodded. "I can leave work to come and get you. Onigumo won't mind." Onigumo would want Kagome back where he could have access to her, and so she could work the next night. "Let me help you out."
He moved to open his door but Kagome stopped him. "I got it." She opened her door and hurried out, going to the back door to pull out her small suitcase. Shutting the door, Kagome walked back to the passenger window and leaned down, smiling at him. "Thanks for the ride."
He smiled at her and placed his shades back over his eyes. "Any time." He turned the engine on and she stood up, watching him pull forward and drive back down the long driveway. She looked out over the land, watching his car drive away while the sun was still climbing its way up above the mountains.
It was early. She had wanted to get here before everyone else because she didn't want to have to catch a ride with Inuyasha, Miroku and Sango. She was trying to avoid them as much as she could, or rather she was trying to avoid Inuyasha as much as she could. It's been two days since she had last seen him at the academy, and she still wasn't ready to see him. She had thought that she had built up her walls, she had thought that she was ready to face him with a smile, as if they could just be friends and move on. But she was still hurt. She was still heartbroken. 'He's my boss. And I'm staying at his parent's place for three days. I can't avoid him.' True, she wouldn't be able to avoid him. Why did their breakup have to happen right before Miroku and Sango's engagement party?
Kagome sighed, resigning to her fate. She headed for the front door where she knocked and rang the doorbell, looking around at all the flowers and brush that was on either side of the entrance. After a few moments, she knocked again, wondering if she was too early. 'Maybe no one's up yet?'
Suddenly, the door opened and someone who she didn't recognize stood inside of the house, smiling at her.
"Good morning," she said, bowing at him.
"Good morning," he bowed back. "Please, come in."
Kagome was about to explain who she was but he ushered her in eagerly, so she obliged. He was dressed casually in a t-shirt with shorts, but she could tell that he was a demon. His eyes were a strange color, or colors, one eye being red and one purple. Other than his eyes, she didn't know what other demon traits he had. But he looked like a young boy, reminding her so much of Kohaku.
"Umm... I hope I'm not too early."
"It's perfectly okay," he said, closing the door and motioning for her to follow him. The last time she was in the Fujimoto house was for the charity event, and she was only able to briefly see the living room area since the party was in the grand hall. This time, the boy took her through the living room, and she was able to take in the fireplace and all the furniture. The space was huge with a very high ceiling. Kagome craned her neck to look up at the huge chandelier and the top of the roof that was too high above her. It was as if the living room and the grand hall were the only downstairs rooms that had no second floor above it. She could see the roof high above and she was amazed that the chandelier and lights were hanging so far down, all in different lengths. 'How do they clean those things?'
"Lord Inutaisho and Lady Izayoi are in the kitchen eating breakfast. Lord Sesshomaru and his family should be joining them soon."
"Oh!" He was leading her towards the kitchen that was in line with the grand staircase, and she could see the huge table as she approached the doorway. Kagome wasn't sure if she was ready for such an intimate thing, having a meal with the whole family of the person who she wasn't dating anymore. "I don't think..."
"Oh Kagome!" Izayoi exclaimed. She waved at her from her seat at Inutaisho's right, smiling at her happily. The boy ended up stopping at the wall that separated the kitchen from the living room, making her stop to see him move to the side to let her through the huge doorway.
"Would you like me to take your luggage to your room?" he asked politely.
"Ummm... okay," she said reluctantly, looking at the staircase behind him. The boy bowed towards her and then the Fujimotos and turned, wheeling her suitcase behind him.
"Kagome, come. Come sit and eat with us."
She turned at the sound of Izayoi's voice and saw the woman waving at her to come towards them. She gulped and walked forward, forcing herself to act like a normal person. 'Maybe I shouldn't have come this early,' she reconsidered, thinking if she was ready to have a family meal with her ex's family.
She made her way towards Izayoi and stopped next to her. The woman smiled up at her in greeting. "Sit, sit. Don't be shy." Izayoi pushed the chair out next to her to usher Kagome down to sit.
There was another help in the kitchen who was washing the dishes and another who was tidying up the counters. As Kagome took her seat, she looked at the entire spread of plates with food piled on top of them. There was so much food and so much variety to choose from that it made her mouth water and her stomach grumble.
Izayoi giggled, watching Kagome look at all the food set out on the table. "Please, help yourself, Kagome. I'm so glad you could join us for breakfast this morning."
"Yes. It is nice to have a new face at our table," Inutaisho said. She turned to look at him, his deep voice catching her attention. She smiled at him in thanks but took in his demeanor. Inuyasha's father was definitely someone you wouldn't want to cross. Just as she remembered him from the day she met him at the charity event, Inutaisho always commanded the room. He sat tall, with his back straight, as if he was an immovable force to be reckoned with, even when eating. Izayoi also had such a commanding nature about her but she called people's attention by her grace and beauty. Kagome stared at them in awe, thinking of how blessed Inuyasha was to have two respectable parents like that.
"Ummm... thank you both for having me. Well... for inviting us all over for the engagement party. It's very kind of you to put this all together for Miroku and Sango."
Izayoi waved her hand. "It's nothing. Those two have been like family to us for a very long time," she said with a smile. "Get yourself a plate and help yourself to some breakfast." Izayoi leaned forward to grab her a plate, starting the process for her.
Kagome thanked her and took the plate, looking at all the options available to her. It was like a buffet feast, at least where she came from it was. There were bacon, eggs, sausage, pastries of all sorts on a beautiful serving tray, rice, miso soup, sashimi and a veggie plate. This wasn't a normal breakfast that she was used. Kagome helped herself to eggs, rice and miso soup for now, not wanting to overfill her plate. She sat down at Izayoi's right, trying her best to keep her composure. She felt so nervous being around them. Alone.
"Don't be nervous, dear," Izayoi said with a smile. Kagome looked surprised as she stared at Izayoi. "I can tell that you're nervous. And if I can tell, then I'm sure my mate can sense your anxiety."
Kagome smiled nervously, staring down at her food as she moved some scrambled eggs around. "Sorry. I'm not used to things like this."
"Like what?" Inutaisho asked, setting his chopsticks down as he ate a piece of bacon. Kagome ate some of her eggs and rice, not really knowing what to tell them. But they gave her space and tried not to stare at her as they could tell that she was uncomfortable. Inutaisho sensed her anxiety and it bothered him. He took a note of that, how he was bothered by her anxiety and uneasiness. He knew himself well enough to know that his uneasiness only meant that he cared for her, in some shape or form. Maybe it was the fact that she was his son's mate that triggered his protectiveness. That fact alone immediately meant that she was family, and inuyoukai family were viciously protective, loyal and unconditionally loving towards their family. At least, that was what he instilled into his children and hopefully they into their own.
"Kagome," Inutaisho called. She placed her chopsticks down and looked up at him. He smiled. This woman was so beautiful and there was something in her eyes that always caught him. He couldn't put his finger on it since this was the second time that he met her. But he could sense something within her that triggered his 'fatherly' instincts. "Why are you so nervous?"
Kagome smiled, wiping her mouth with her napkin. "I'm not used to eating at a kitchen table with family."
Inutaisho's eyes widened a bit but his smile never left. To her, even though he had such a hard surface and he looked so domineering, for some reason beneath all that, she saw a father. Maybe it was his nature, maybe he was a teddy bear beneath the surface, kind of like Jinenji. But she could feel that he had no ill-intent or evil within him even though he was an inuyoukai. He seemed... gentle. Much like his son.
"Have you ever had a meal with your family before?" he asked.
Kagome smiled, shaking her head as she picked up her chopsticks. "No. At least... not that I can remember." She went back to eating, hoping they wouldn't pry any more into it. Movement near the doorway caught her eyes and she turned to see Sesshomaru and Rin come in, both of them dressed casually. Sesshomaru wore a dark jeans pants with a dark grey shirt, keeping his hair up in a ponytail. Rin had a long white dress and was holding a baby in her arms. This was the second time she's met them and she never had time to talk with them at the charity event. She took in their appearances, noticing that Sesshomaru looked much like his father in hair, eye color and his demonic markings. However, Sesshomaru had two purple lightning streaks on each cheek, instead of Inutaisho's one, while the crescent moon on his forehead was golden, not purple like his father's.
"Ah, good morning you two," Izayoi said as the two walked towards them, heading to the opposite side of Izayoi and Kagome. "How was your sleep?"
"This little one was up all night, fussing," Rin said with a sigh. "I think she's just not used to being here."
"It could be. You guys haven't been here much after she was born. She's probably not used to her surroundings," Izayoi suggested, watching as Sesshomaru pulled out Rin's chair and waited for her to sit.
Rin looked up as she sat and smiled lovingly at her mate before fixing her daughter so that she was comfortably on her lap. "I'm hoping that's it. Last time, when we came for the charity event, after her nap she cried with the babysitter too. But, the ride over was long yesterday so maybe that has something to do with it. She just wouldn't go to sleep and kept crying all night. Sessho and I took shifts, but we still didn't get much sleep."
"Awww you poor things," Izayoi said with a knowing smile, watching Sesshomaru take his seat next to Rin on his father's left. "It's been a while since you two have had a child to care for," she teased.
Sesshomaru looked across the table at his father's mate, nodding his head in agreement. "Yes, it has been a while."
"Kagome!" Rin said, breaking into their talk to include the other girl at the table. "I'm so glad you're here so early! When did you get in?"
Kagome smiled kindly at the woman. "I just got here. My friend dropped me off."
"Oh. Inuyasha and the others aren't here yet?"
"No," Izayoi said, shaking her head. "He called earlier to let me know that they're coming around noon. I was going to have some lunch prepared for everyone when they get here. After lunch I was hoping the women could go over some wedding plans while the men were going to help setup some decorations for tomorrow," she said, looking over at her mate.
Inutaisho nodded his head in agreement. "The trucks are supposed to arrive at one. I think there's also a fondue machine, right?"
"Yes. I ordered one fondue machine and one chocolate fountain. They're also bringing the tables and chairs." Izayoi thought about it for a minute, her face deep in concentration. "There should be twenty-four of us. I really want to set the tables outside on the balcony if that's possible," she said, looking over at Inutaisho.
"We can play around with it today and see if that works. I think the balcony is big enough for that. We don't need any food tables outside since the chef is making them throughout the night. All we need is a few tables for the appetizers, the drinks and those machines."
Izayoi smiled enthusiastically, thinking ahead. "I know it's cliche but we have to have chocolate covered strawberries at an engagement party. It's so romantic," she said dreamily.
Rin giggled, looking down to see that her daughter was sound asleep against her. Sesshomaru had made her a plate so she began to eat while she could, looking over at Kagome in interest. "Are your parents coming too, Kagome?"
Kagome blinked, taken aback by that question. "No."
Rin was curious as to Kagome's reaction and blunt response. She looked at Izayoi who just smiled at her and went back to eating. Inutaisho gazed over at Kagome but remained silent, already knowing a little about her parents from what his son told him. Rin, however, decided to continue the conversation to not make the girl feel uncomfortable. "Well, I think Sango's, Miroku's and Kikyo's parents are coming. Of course, there's our family too."
"Are the boys here?" Inutaisho asked curiously now that Rin brought it up.
"They're staying in the city. There's a lot going on in the new merger in Osaka and they wanted to get that resolved," Sesshomaru informed. "They'll be here for dinner."
"Good. I want everyone here by tonight so we can all catch up and can settle in before tomorrow's festivities," Izayoi said, wiping her mouth.
"Festivities?" Kagome asked, wondering what Izayoi had planned. From what she remembered from Inuyasha, it was as if Izayoi knew how to throw really good parties and enjoyed doing it.
Izayoi nodded her head excitedly. "You'll see, honey. I have an entire day of things planned out for the women, and Inutaisho has some things planned out for the men."
"Are you staying the whole week, Kagome?" Rin asked.
Kagome shook her head, placing her chopsticks down on her clean plate. 'That was good.' "No. I have to leave Wednesday night. I work Thursday through the weekend."
"Inuyasha told me your days off. That's why I wanted to make it on the weekdays so that you could join us," Izayoi explained. "I'm sad that you have to leave us, though. I think Inuyasha, Miroku and Sango are planning on staying the whole week. I'm not sure of the others, but everyone is welcome to stay if they want."
Kagome smiled, grateful. "I wish I could, but it's too late of a notice for me to take off. But I'm sure everyone else will. It sounds like it's going to be a fun week." A part of her was glad that she wasn't going to be here for it. "You have such a beautiful home that it reminds me of being on vacation."
Izayoi beamed, looking over at her mate as she reached out her hand for his. He gave his hand to her and squeezed. "Inutaisho built it with his bare hands. Well, he and some of our friends. This is the first home we've ever lived in together."
"Wow. How long have you lived here?" She remembered Inuyasha telling her that he was old, like, almost 250 years old. 'I don't think I could ever live that long.' Just thinking about it was frightening, not something that was 'normal' for human beings or even possible, although humans have always chased after immortality. It sounded like a long, lonely life. But as she looked at Izayoi and Inutaisho, she could see how it might not be so lonely with the right person.
Inutaisho's golden eyes pierced Kagome's, judging for himself if she was ready for the answer and how much she really knew about demons. Izayoi looked to him with a small smile, letting his hand go as she went back to eating, letting her mate handle it. Inutaisho leaned back into his chair, keeping his hands on the table. "How old do you think I am, Kagome?"
Kagome looked at him, staring for a long time. She knew that she could never rely on the physical features of a demon because it meant little when it came to actual age. Physical appearance meant nothing for a demon. "Well... if Inuyasha is about two-fifty..." she said, talking it out. Rin looked to Sesshomaru, a little shocked, but said nothing. Sesshomaru and his father, on the other hand, remained emotionless, and Kagome's eyes went to Sesshomaru, taking in his appearance. "I'm not sure how old Sesshomaru is... but I would have to guess that you're four hundred years old?" she asked, looking back at Inutaisho.
Inutaisho genuinely smiled, placing his hands on the table as he looked at his mate. "Well... I feel young, indeed."
Izayoi giggled. "Oh stop it." She turned to her side. "Sesshomaru is four-fifty and Inutaisho is five-fifty," she said matter-of-factly. She watched as Kagome's eyes widened a little and she nodded her head slowly, looking down at her food.
"Wow." To think that these people sitting around the table with her had been around for centuries, lived through different eras and different times with different cultural values.
"You don't seem too shocked by their age," Rin commented, bringing her daughter up to her chest. The child was just starting to rouse from her sleep, moving around in her mother's embrace. Sesshomaru offered to take their daughter from her so that she could finish her breakfast, but she shook her head with a smile. "I can tell that you have the 'gift of sight'. But how much do you know and believe about demons?" She was curious to get to know this girl more. She knew that her brother-in-law loved this human girl, and Rin could see why. But the therapist in her could sense something about this girl that was hiding beneath the surface.
Kagome shrugged, leaning back in the chair. "I've known about demons all my life. Since I was a child, I've grown up around demons and could see them from a young age."
"Usually children have the 'gift' because they have such innocent faith at that age," Izayoi explained, looking at her granddaughter who was starting to make little noises to signal to the others that she was present in their conversation. "But as people age, understanding and knowledge can blind a person's faith, and adults usually lose their 'gift'."
"That's true," Kagome said, smiling tenderly at the little baby. "I've grown up around demons and I've seen what some of them can do." She kept her eyes on the little bundle as Rin tried to bounce her daughter on her shoulder, but the child kept getting fussier.
"I should change her diaper and feed her," Rin announced, scooting her chair back. Sesshomaru wiped his mouth with his napkin and stood, helping to move her chair back and moving to follow her out. "It's okay, love. Kagome..." she said, turning to the girl. "Would you like to join me?"
Her eyes widened a little and she looked at Izayoi as if she was seeking the woman's approval. Izayoi smiled and nodded. "Go on. I think it'll be good for you to meet Kumi."
'Kumi? Is that the baby's name?' Kagome nodded and stood, thanking Izayoi and Inutaisho for the amazing breakfast. She watched as Rin kissed Sesshomaru on the cheek and then headed towards the doorway, making Kagome follow her. The two of them left the others in the kitchen and turned left, heading straight for the staircase close to them.
"So, Kagome. Are you and Inuyasha dating?"
Kagome blinked, shocked as to Rin's blunt question, but a question that she knew she was going to get. She stared at the back of the woman in front of her, taking in Rin's beautiful figure. She had long, black hair braided down to the bottom of her back, thick and gorgeous. Rin was a little shorter than herself, but she could tell there was a lot of age and wisdom from this woman. Both she and Izayoi seemed like very regal, beautiful women, different from the normal human women she knew. And from what she could tell, both of them were human. Kagome followed a few steps behind Rin, looking at the beautiful home around her as they started to walk up the huge grand staircase in the middle of the room.
"No." From what happened between the two of them at the academy, she assumed that he broke up with her by telling her they jumped into the relationship too quickly. 'That it was a mistake.'
"Oh?" Rin turned to glance over her shoulder for a second, catching Kagome's eyes a few steps below her. "Last I knew, the two of you were dating." Her daughter began to cry as she probably needed a change and it was feeding time. Rin went back to paying attention to her, switching her in her arms to get her to calm down.
"Ummm, yeah. We broke up Saturday."
"Oh. I'm sorry." Rin was sure that Izayoi didn't know about that because she was still so happy that Inuyasha had found his mate. That woman desperately wanted her son to be happy and mated. He deserved it after all these centuries. But Izayoi also knew that she couldn't force fate to happen. Mating was not something that could be forced or willed. Inuyasha also wasn't open to dating anyone, as he had made it very clear to the entire family for a hundred years. He has been single all this time and has never expressed interest in anyone. That is, until Kagome.
"It was my fault," Kagome said with her head down. 'Why am I even here?' She began to doubt even coming. Yes, she was doing this for Miroku and Sango. But it was hard to be here, in her ex's family's home, eating and talking with her ex's family as if she was a part of the family.
"Why do you say that?"
She shrugged, looking up at the railings at the top of the staircase. The second floor that faced the great room had overlooks on each side of the staircase that extended to the end of the walls. There were some bookshelves and furniture on either side, even sitting chairs for people to sit and look over the entire downstairs room.
"I don't think he could handle being with me anymore than I could if I was in his shoes," she said matter-of-factly, just as they reached the top of the stairs. Rin hefted her daughter against her shoulder and Kagome smiled at the cute little face as she peered over her mother's shoulders. The baby stopped crying as she stared at Kagome, taking in the new face. Kagome could finally get a better glimpse of her now that her face was over her mother's shoulders. She had golden eyes, a trademark, apparently, of the Fujimoto family. She also had a purple lightning bolt on either cheek like her grandfather and her ears were pointed at the tops like her father and grandfather, but her hair was dark like her mother's. Her face began to get a little red and grumpy, as if she was about to cry again. Kagome frowned, moving her bottom lip at the baby. "Awww... don't cry."
Rin giggled as she looked over her daughter's head, trying to make out what she was doing. "Don't mind, Kumi. She needs to be changed and then I need to feed her. I would love to have your company if you don't mind as I breastfeed her."
Kagome shook her head. "It's okay." Breastfeeding in public was frowned upon in Japan. Mothers normally had to find private places or wait until they made it back home to breastfeed their child because of the cultural practices. But she really didn't care. She had seen many breasts in Midnite and she always found it a beautiful thing when a mother took her baby to breast. It just showed how much the mother loved and cared for the child. Not everyone gets that privilege.
"How old is she?" Kagome asked, hoping to keep the subject of attention off of her.
"Four months. Our oldest, Kaito, is two hundred and our middle, Minato, is one-fifty. Kumi's our first child in a long time and our only daughter," Rin said with a laugh, throwing her daughter into a small fit as she thought that no one was paying attention to her.
"She looks older than four months."
"Yes. Youkai children grow faster than human children. Like most animals, they naturally have to develop faster after birth or else they're killed easily. It's all about survival of the fittest when it comes to youkai. 'Kill or be killed', so Sesshomaru likes to say," she said with a wave of her hand. "My mate can be rather cold sometimes," she said with a giggle.
Kagome smiled, not knowing enough about the man to say anything about him. "Aren't your three children hanyous?"
Rin nodded. "Yes. But they still have the youkai blood. They just don't grow as fast as youkai. Kumi is only four months but she definitely can understand a lot and she can form some words."
"Boobie," Kumi said, just to prove her mother's point that she was listening and could understand they were talking about her.
Kagome's eyes widened just as Rin laughed. "Told you." Kagome giggled as Kumi began to squirm in her mother's arms, making Rin pull her back around to her front just as they made it to her bedroom door. "She knows the most important thing to say like 'Mommy' and 'boobie'. They sort of rhyme."
They had walked down the entire length of the upstairs hallway just to get to Rin's bedroom. They had passed many other doors on either side but it seemed like Sesshomaru and Rin were staying in the last room on the right. Kagome just thought about her suitcase and what room that boy had put it in. She also wondered where Inuyasha would be staying.
"Inuyasha's room is on the other side of our's," Rin said as if she had read her thoughts.
Kagome followed Rin in, wondering if the woman could read minds, and closed the door behind her. Rin went straight to the huge bed on the right. The bed was massive, bigger than a king bed, and it looked so plush and fluffy with thick comforters. There were too many pillows for any one person to use or need, and the entire bed was in beautiful shades of dark green. Kagome watched as Rin went to work, grabbing a new diaper and wipes from the changing table against the wall next to the bed. The crib was a few feet next to the bed as Rin stepped around it and sat near the pillows, lying Kumi down.
"Sit," Rin invited, smiling.
Kagome obliged her and went over to the end of the bed and sat, feeling herself sink a little into the soft mattress. "This is so comfy."
Rin nodded, her eyes focused on her daughter as she made goofy faces to stall her daughter's hunger a little longer, just enough to change her diaper first. "All of the rooms are sort of the same. Sesshomaru and Inuyasha have their own rooms that no one uses. Ours isn't that decorated because we're rarely here to really customize it to our liking, but it's still lovely."
"Is that why your rooms are the last ones?"
"Yes. It's easier for Inutaisho to have guests over so they can choose the closer rooms to the stairs. No one really comes all the way down the hall to bother with our rooms anyway."
Kagome nodded her understanding. "Do you guys come out here often?" she asked, smiling as Rin got Kumi out of her diaper but the girl was not having any of it. She was able to roll over, exposing her little tush and gave her mother a fit.
"We try," Rin said over Kumi's crying, flipping Kumi back over to blow raspberries on her belly, stilling her daughter's cries for a second. "We like to stay over when we have night events since it's hard for me to travel with her so late. I try to keep her sleep schedule consistent and I like having her here in our room while we're downstairs at an event." Kagome watched Rin clean Kumi up and then place a new diaper on her. Rin gave her one last raspberry on her belly and then she buttoned up her onesie and brought Kumi into her arms.
Rin scooted back, fixing the pillows against the headboard comfortably so that she could rest back against them. She began to lift her shirt up and Kagome knew what the woman was going to do so she averted her gaze to give her some privacy. She looked around at the huge room, seeing that there was a huge walk-in closet along with a bathroom. The room was still nicely decorated for any guest with some home decor on the dressers and the table, along with cute fixtures and paintings on the walls.
"All of the rooms are like this?" she asked, amazed.
"Yes."
'Wow...' The type of power and wealth this family must have brought back too many unwanted memories of her past. With a frown, Kagome sighed deeply, thinking about when the others were supposed to arrive and how she would have to put on a smile.
"So, Kagome." She turned to look at Rin, seeing that Kumi was happily nursing and Rin didn't both to cover herself. "Why do you feel like Inuyasha can't handle being with you?" She looked confusedly at Rin, making the woman smile. "You mentioned that you and Inuyasha broke up because he couldn't handle being with you. Why would you say that?"
Kagome frowned. 'Gosh... why does she keep asking me about this?' She thought it was nice of Rin to want to help, probably for the sake of her brother-in-law. But she just wasn't sure how much she was willing to tell Rin because of where Rin's loyalty might lie, but also because she wasn't sure what to make of her relationship with Inuyasha either. What more was there to say? They were over. Simple.
"I don't know."
"You don't know why you would say that, or you don't know why Inuyasha can't handle being with you?"
She shrugged. "Both." She couldn't look at the woman so she turned so that she sat with one knee resting on the bed while her other leg hung off the edge. She was able to stare at the outside through the huge glass doors that led out to the small balcony.
"Do you think that Inuyasha feels that way?"
She nodded. "Yes."
"Why?"
"It's not easy being with me."
Rin chuckled. "It's not easy for a man to be with a woman, period. A relationship takes time and effort for both parties. I would also argue that women can definitely have our emotional difficulties and mood swings," she said with a giggle.
Kagome giggled with her and nodded her agreement. She looked at Rin who stared back at her with warm eyes. The soft smile on the woman's face and the way she was so relaxed, resting back against the pillows with her daughter nursing at her breast, made Kagome feel comfortable. They were sharing an intimate moment, with an intimate act between mother and child, and Kagome couldn't help but feel like she could be truthful with Rin. 'Maybe I can trust her? Just because she's Inuyasha's sister-in-law doesn't mean she's going to tell him everything, right?'
"You don't trust me," Rin said with a knowing smile, seeing the growing questions and doubts cross Kagome's face. The girl was quiet for too long and Rin could already tell that Kagome had many demons, more than Inuyasha obviously knew about, and she could tell that Kagome wanted to talk about it but just didn't know who to trust. Hence her resistance to being open and her belief that she wasn't easy to be with. It all came down to trust. But Rin wondered how her trust got broken, damaged so badly that now she feels like she can't trust anyone, it seems.
Kagome shrugged, looking back out the glass doors. "I don't trust people easily. Don't take it personally."
"I don't." Rin looked down at Kumi, smiling at the child's innocence. They sat in silence for a long time, but Rin was used to situations like this and she found it quite relaxing, even though she knew in Kagome's mind, it was anything but. Rin switched Kumi and closed her eyes, relaxing into the pillows, content with whatever Kagome wanted to say or not say. One thing she knew from her practice was that a patient needed to feel like they were in control.
'Maybe I should tell her.' Kagome frowned as she stared outside, warring with herself. It would be nice to get everything off her chest for once. And for once, it would be nice for someone to know everything about her past. Kagome stood, frustrated with herself, and walked over to the glass doors. The sun spilled into the room, reminding her that in a couple of hours, the others will be arriving. 'I want to tell her...' Kagome stared outside at the greenery, wondering if she could go down the path of her past. 'Maybe she can help me.' It was worth a shot, right? Kagome steeled her nerves, trusting Rin with more than she has ever trusted anyone with, and let out a deep sigh.
"This stays between us?" she asked, hugging her arms across her chest.
Rin opened her eyes, looking at Kagome near the glass door. "I should tell you that I have my PhDs in psychology, counseling and psychiatry." That caught Kagome's attention as the girl looked at her, a little shocked and understanding. "If you want to talk to me, I'm willing to listen. Even though you're not officially a patient of mine, I still honor the confidentiality code with anyone who doesn't want me to share the information. I know how to keep a secret," she said with a smile, hoping to relieve Kagome's fears.
It worked. Kagome smiled back and turned her head to look back out the glass. Now it made sense as to why she felt so comfortable around Rin when she barely even knew the woman. This was her specialty. And Rin could obviously tell that she needed help because of the questions she asked, especially asking to have some alone time together. It's clear Rin could sense it.
"You knew something was wrong with me."
Rin laughed. "Honey... there's something wrong with all of us. So don't feel like you're any special." Kagome giggled. "But yes, I could sense that you had a lot you were holding in. There are classic signs that I notice and pick up on in people who have traumatic pasts. People respond differently, even to the same experiences. And I could tell that you had a lot on your shoulders and a lot you were holding in. But just because you have a traumatic past doesn't mean you're a bad person or that no one can handle being with you."
Kagome felt like Rin just kicked her in the stomach. She tightened her arms against herself and felt tears well in her eyes. 'If only you knew...' "You wouldn't say that if you knew," she whispered.
Rin frowned, her eyes pitying Kagome. "Well... I'm willing to know if you're willing to tell me."
The silence stretched on for longer than Kagome would've liked, but she needed a minute. She needed to collect herself and her thoughts. Everything Rin said was meant to help her but it just reminded her of how disgusting and truly unlovable she was. She needed a minute to steel herself in order to go back into her past and relive those horrific memories again.
"I was born and raised on Shikoku Island," she started, her voice scaring her. It didn't sound like her voice. She sounded frightened, speaking softly as if she was afraid that the walls had ears and someone would hear her. She hated speaking the truth in fear of acknowledging how disgusting she is and in fear of her past hearing her and finding her. "My parents wanted a child very much... they loved each other." The outside world seemed so much brighter now that she was recalling her parents.
"After my mother gave birth to me, she had really bad postpartum depression that she didn't seek help with. My father couldn't handle the stress of her and me, so he turned to alcohol and women. My mother would cut herself in the bathroom while I was soiled, crying and hungry. They just... changed. They lost themselves and I think they hated their life because of me."
"How does that make you feel?"
Kagome blinked, coming back to the present. She was so lost in her thoughts, thoughts that she had imagined based on what her parents told her about her past. Of course, as an infant, she had no memories of what life was like back then. But her parents had told her everything about what life was like for them, and she had conjured up an imaginary memory in her mind of what her parents might've done and looked like back then. She could picture her mother on the floor in the bathroom cutting herself, blood pooling around her until she passed out. She could picture her father stumbling through the doorway drunk, oblivious to the fact that she was screaming at the top of her lungs, and he would go straight into his room to pass out drunk on the bed. All of her imaginations wasn't hard to make up because it happened a lot during her childhood years as well. Imagination always came from inspiration.
"Kagome..." Rin could tell that Kagome was getting caught up in her thoughts and tried to pull her out of them. "How does that make you feel?"
"I don't know."
Rin tended to her daughter, covering herself up and burping a now sleepy Kumi, while she regarded Kagome. "You were too young to know about this. There is no way that you can remember what life was like as an infant, or even as a one or two year old. Someone had to have told you about this." Kagome's nod was her only answer that she knew this fact as well. "Then what you were fed was your parents' perceptions and their realities. You have to understand that every experience we face goes through our own filters. The way we perceive the same experience is different for every single person. From what it sounds like, your mother and father told you their realities based on their perceptions. It's not yours."
Rin watched as Kagome tried to understand and take that in. Kumi burped a few times and she held her daughter in her arms, bringing her legs up to help support her daughter's weight against her chest to give her arms a rest. "It wasn't your reality. For you to take on their realities is unfair to you because it discredits what happened to you."
Kagome bit her bottom lip, tears falling from her eyes. 'How could she know?' She turned from the outside and went to one of the sitting chairs against the opposite wall from the bed. Her heart hurt. She sat down and drew her knees up against her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs as she brought her head down onto her knees. She remained silent, soaking in everything Rin said because she knew it to be true, it's just that her heart needed to believe it.
"Knowing that this was your parents' reality, how does that make you feel?" Rin tried again.
Kagome shook her head, choking on a sob that wanted to escape but allowing herself to feel the pain. "It makes me sad to know that I was the reason why they turned out this way," she confessed, placing her forehead on her knees. She sobbed, thinking about her parents and their happy faces. What would their lives have been like had she not been born? They would've been happy and in love, not drug addicts living on the streets. 'None of this would've happened if I hadn't been born.'
Rin moved to get off the bed and went to put Kumi down in her crib, placing a blanket over her. She went to grab a box of tissues and walked over to place them on the table next to Kagome. She touched the top of Kagome's head for a moment, just to let her know that she was here for her, and then moved to sit on the chair on the other side of the table. She crossed her legs and faced Kagome. Kagome's face was flushed as she looked up, her eyes red from deep, emotional pain that came out in a rush of tears. Rin looked at her sympathetically and motioned to the tissues. Kagome mustered up a weak smile and took some, wiping the tears from her face. Rin let her take a few deep breaths to collect herself before she spoke.
"Kagome... I want you to know that none of this was your fault." She waited until Kagome's eyes locked with hers. "None of it." Kagome bit her bottom lip. Rin was sure that it would take more than a few sentences, after years of trauma and abuse, to overwrite what she was so thoroughly convinced of. But this was the start. "You are not the reason why they became who they are. That was their choice. Your mother decided not to get help. Your father decided not to get help. That decision was on them. And their consequences became their realities." Rin nodded her head slowly, letting Kagome take it all in. She couldn't force anyone to believe her words or see things through her eyes. All she could do was speak the truth that she saw and give them the chance to make that truth become their own. It was their choice.
"If I hadn't been born... none of this would've happened," Kagome said softly with a weak smile.
Rin shook her head, looking serious. "Don't say that. Your parents wanted you. You were a blessing to them. But it was their choice to neglect taking care of themselves and therefore neglect taking care of you," she said, placing her hand on the table to emphasize her words. "Kagome... none of this was your fault. Your parents couldn't take care of themselves and so they couldn't take care of you. Think about it. They could've given you up for adoption. Maybe you could've had a different life, different parents who would've taken better care of you and loved you unconditionally." She placed her fingertips on the table like she was playing a keyboard in time with her words. "But your parents chose, to keep you. They chose not to get help. They chose to neglect you. That was not your fault."
Kagome listened and felt her heart break into a million pieces with every word Rin said. It was as if her whole identity, her whole belief system, was being shattered by Rin's words. For so long she believed that it was her fault her parents became drug addicts. For so long she believed that she was the reason why they became junkies, homeless scums who stole and lived in less than livable places. She was the reason why they overdosed many times and why her father died. She was reason why she had been...
"Kagome... let me ask you this..." Rin waited for Kagome to hear her again, for her to get out of her own head. "I asked you how this made you feel. This time... I want to ask the little girl." Kagome looked at her with puffy, red, confused eyes. "I'm going to ask Little Kagome. The little girl who was neglected, the little girl left crying in her crib, soaked in her own soil and left starving for milk." Kagome's bottom lip trembled and she began to cry again, turning her head from Rin. "This time... I'm asking Little Kagome, how does this make her feel?"
Kagome shook her head back and forth slowly as tears streamed down her face. She placed her head back onto her knees and hid herself, Rin's words causing her deep pain. There was a ringing in her ears that got louder and louder until she could hear the loud drumming of her heart beat too fast. Everything was too much, too fast, too sudden. Who was this woman? How did she know exactly what to say? Exactly what to ask? It was as if Rin could see her inner soul, the deep, neglected child that she had kept safe behind thick, high walls, surrounded by barbed wire. That child that wasn't able to be a child. That child that had to learn how to care for herself, to survive on her own. That child who grew up way too fast and too soon, who was a parent to her own parents. That child, she had protected and kept safe, away from the world. She kept that girl locked up where no one could hurt her. And eventually... even Kagome had forgotten about the little girl. 'Just like my parents did...'
Kagome cried. She cried heart-wrenching sobs that shook her whole body. Rin could only watch her with sad, sympathetic eyes. She knew that she needed to be still and give Kagome space even though every part of her wanted to comfort the girl. Times like these needed to be hard. The patient needed to go through these hard emotions in order to break through them and move on. This pain needed to happen for healing to come. So Rin let her cry. She stole a glance at the crib to make sure that Kumi hadn't woken up from Kagome's cries, and then just waited patiently.
After a few minutes, Kagome calmed enough to take deep, calming breaths. She lifted her head to grab more tissues, gasping as more tears fell, and she continued to wipe them away. Her mind was shattered and she felt emotionally stripped bare. But her soul... her soul yearned for this. There was a part of her that felt like Rin could see her. Rin saw her better than she saw herself, and Kagome truly believed that Rin could help her. Even though what Rin said was hard, it hurt and it made her face her darkest demons... what Rin saw in her was something that she hadn't seen before. And not only that... but it made sense. Rin's sense was truth and it was only by Rin's wisdom that she was able to trust the process and dive deeper into that darkness.
"I... I don't know how to answer that."
"I understand. Let's see if this helps. Try to put yourself in Little Kagome's shoes. Or you can just ask Little Kagome. Either way, I want you to ask her or become her." Kagome would have to choose whether she wanted to be a fly on the wall or to live as the child. Either choice she made would be indicators for Rin on how Kagome processes everything that happens in her life.
Kagome thought about it for a moment, trying to figure out what Rin was telling her to do. "Why don't you close your eyes," Rin suggested, watching as the girl did so. "Close your eyes and try to envision that little baby crying. I know you don't have memories of this time in your life, but have you made visual images?" Kagome nodded her head. "That's what I thought. Sometimes victims will create a memory, usually a false memory, based on their understanding or emotions. I want you to go to that memory. Visualize yourself in the house with your parents and Little Kagome crying."
Kagome could easily draw up the memory she had created of that time in her life. The house was dark and the silhouettes of the furniture was all that she could make out. She found herself, the adult version of herself, moving through the living room as a baby's cries tore through the empty house. The lights from the outside peered through the curtains and the light from under the bathroom door was the only light on in the house. Her mother was in there, that much she knew, cutting herself. But as Kagome moved forward, towards the crib, she saw the Little Kagome crying. Her figure was the only colorful thing in this dark room. The white blanket she was wrapped in almost looked too tight for her to bear as the baby squirmed, her face beet red with a pink beanie. Tears were streaming down her face, her lips trembling with every cry and breath she took, but no one came to pick her up. Kagome turned as the sound of the door flying open jolted her. She saw her father come stumbling into the house, slamming the door behind him and scaring the baby. Her cries went up a notch but he heard nothing as he stumbled out of his shoes and Kagome watched him bump into almost every single furniture on his way to the bedroom. He strolled right past the crib without a single glance and slammed the bedroom door, probably passing out on his bed.
"Tell me what you see," Rin prompted.
"I see... my father just came home, drunk, and he went into his room." She turned to look at the light under the bathroom door, biting her bottom lip and tasting her tears. "My mother is in the bathroom cutting herself."
"Okay. Don't focus on your parents. I want you to take care of Little Kagome." Rin frowned, noticing that Kagome still had a hard time with separating herself from what happened to her parents. She still only saw her parents first, and not herself. Kagome would have to learn how to love herself, first, before anyone else, and that would take a lot of time and practice. "Where is Little Kagome?"
"She's in her crib," Kagome said, her eyes closed but her mind fully alert in her memory. She went back to the crib and peered down into it, seeing the little baby screaming her little lungs out, and her heart constricted in pain. "She's crying. She hasn't stopped crying."
"Okay. Tell me what she's feeling."
Kagome frowned, her face in confusion. "I... I don't know."
"You do. You know..."
Kagome shook her head. "I don't. She's just... crying. I think she's hungry or she needs to be changed."
"Okay. That's what she wants. But what is she feeling?"
"I don't understand," Kagome said, confused and a little frustrated. What was it that Rin wanted her to say? She stared down at the baby who was still crying, her heart aching for the child but she didn't know what to do.
"Kagome..." Rin called, her voice softening. "You know what she's feeling because she's you."
Kagome sucked in a breath, hit by the gravity of Rin's declaration. 'She's... me.' Rin was right. This baby that was screaming and crying in the dark was her. "It's me..." she whispered with tears.
"Yes, that's you. You are Little Kagome. Now... tell me. What is she feeling?"
Kagome bit her bottom lip and cried, digging her nails into her calves. "She feels like no one loves her," she said with a sob, choking out the words. "She feels neglected... unloved... unseen..." she said between sobs. 'Oh Little Kagome... I see you.'
"I bet she does," Rin said, encouraging this path. "Her mother isn't coming out of the bathroom to take care of her. Her father just walked right past her and slammed the door on her. I bet she feels like no one loves her, like no one can see that she's right there crying out for someone to hold her, to love her."
Kagome nodded her head, tears streaming down her face. Rin moved forward with a smile and placed a hand on the table, staring at Kagome's head. "What are you going to do?"
Kagome sobbed and in her mind quickly reached into the crib and grabbed the tiny baby, picking the precious bundle up softly and bringing the crying baby to her chest. "I'm holding her. I see her. I love her."
Rin nodded as Kagome kept crying at the intensity of it all. "Good. Then tell her that. Tell Little Kagome that you love her and that when no one else is there for her, you will be there for her."
Kagome's eyes flew open, breaking the memory, and she cried out like a wounded animal, falling onto her knees on the floor. She cupped her face and cried, huge, heart-wrenching sobs as if her soul was broken. Rin moved from her chair and went to the ground with her, going to her knees to place her hands on Kagome's back and shoulders. Kagome's body wracked hard with her cries, shaking uncontrollably. Rin had a feeling that this was something deep, this was a deep belief and a deep memory that she would have to help her break free of. This moment in time was a huge trauma for her.
Rin placed her head close to Kagome's so she could hear her. "Kagome... that little baby is you. You have kept Little Kagome in this dark room for too long. This is the memory that you have trapped her in and she is stuck here, crying and neglected. And you are the only one who can save her."
Kagome suddenly moved back, making Rin move back with her. Kagome sat up so that she could look at Rin with her hair matted to her wet face, her eyes swollen from all the crying. "But how? How can I save her?"
Rin smiled tenderly, hearing the urgency and fear in Kagome's voice. She reached out to move the wet tendrils of hair off of her face. "You need to tell her that you love her and show her you love her. You need to give her what she didn't get from her parents. You need to show her that she is seen, that she is cared for and that she is loved. That's all she wants."
Kagome nodded. 'That's all I want...' "I... I didn't mean to..."
"I know, honey. But it's time to move on. It's time to take that baby out of this darkness that you kept her in."
Kagome nodded and cried, falling into Rin's lap. She wrapped her arms around Rin and cried, wetting Rin's white dress with her tears. Rin smiled and placed her hands on Kagome's back and shoulders, rubbing her back soothingly and allowing her to cry out her pain.
"It's time to take you out of that darkness, Kagome. You need to stop keeping yourself in that dark cage. You need to love yourself more and you need to let yourself be loved." Rin smiled, understanding a lot more now about why Kagome sees herself the way she does and why she thinks Inuyasha can't handle being with her. It wasn't Inuyasha who didn't want her. It was Kagome who believed that no one could ever want her. She was the one pushing people away because of her own beliefs. "For so long, you have believed this lie that you are not worthy of love because your parents never loved you. But just because they didn't... doesn't mean that no one loves you. Just because they didn't... doesn't mean you don't love yourself."
Kagome stopped crying as Rin's revelation sank in. 'It's me.' Everything that Rin said made absolute sense. This little baby was just her own inner self that wanted to be seen, that wanted to be loved. This baby that didn't get the love and attention she desperately needed from her parents was now an adult woman trying to get the love and attention from people, preferably from men, and when they got too close, she pushed them away out of fear of being rejected like how her parents rejected her.
"You are that little baby that needs to be loved and cared for. But the secret is... until you allow yourself to be loved by someone and cared for by them... you will remain like this baby... stuck in this dark room, alone and afraid."
Kagome nodded, ashamed to look at Rin. For once, her life made sense thanks to Rin. She can see herself as that little baby, needing love and attention from someone, but too scared to accept it because she never knew what love looked like. She never had it, and the thought of having it frightened her more.
"But... how can I?" she asked, squeezing Rin. "How can I let him love me when my parents couldn't even do it?"
"And that's the million dollar question." Rin smiled, so proud of Kagome for realizing this. Not only did she realize her 'problem', but she also knew that it was Inuyasha whom she wanted love from. Out of all this darkness, Kagome connected it back to Inuyasha, which meant something to Rin. Not many of her patients would ask the right questions that would lead out of 'victimhood' and into 'victory'. But Kagome was asking the right question because Rin had to believe that deep down, Kagome didn't want to be 'stuck' here anymore. "You asked the right question, Kagome. How can you trust Inuyasha to love you when the very people who were supposed to love you, didn't? How can you give Inuyasha your heart and your trust when your parents broke it?"
Kagome nodded her head against Rin's stomach and she smiled, running her hand over Kagome's head. "The answer I have might not be what you're ready to hear or even what you want to hear. But I will say it and it's your choice on what you want to do with it." Rin kept rubbing Kagome's back, trying to keep her in reality. "The only way to love yourself and to let others love you is to just do it. The answer is simple but the application might be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. But it really is as simple as just doing it. Just let yourself be loved."
Kagome felt like Rin just punched her in the gut. 'I just have to do it.' It really was that simple. Everything in her life had been decisions, decisions she had to make for her own sanity and survival. She was alive because she chose to remain alive. It would have to be the same with love. If she wanted to be loved she would have to choose it. She thought about how hard that would be, and every fiber in her was bringing up all these excuses of how she couldn't do it and the reasons why she didn't deserve it. 'Inuyasha...'
"What I see," Rin continued, "is a man who wants to love you and give you all the attention in the world, but you just won't let him."
The accusation hurt her, but it was the truth, and Kagome couldn't blame Rin for calling her out like that. She might not have meant for it to come out as harsh, but Kagome definitely took it hard. Because she was to blame for letting Inuyasha walk out of her life like that. Yet still...
"I don't deserve him."
"Why do you say that?"
Kagome moved back, sitting on her butt and moving her legs out in front of her so that her knees were up. She wrapped her arms around her legs and brought them close against her chest, needing to squeeze something. "Because he's too good for me. And I don't deserve that."
"And how do you know what 'too good' is?" Rin asked with a smile, moving to adjust her feet under her. They were both facing each other and Rin reached up to grab the box of tissues to bring it to the floor between them.
"He just... is." Kagome looked at the floor, picturing Inuyasha in her mind. "He shows me so much love that I don't know what to do."
"It's a love that you haven't had before," Rin acknowledged and Kagome nodded. "So why don't you deserve that?"
"He doesn't know..."
Rin cocked her head to the side. "He doesn't know what you just shared with me?"
Kagome shrugged. "He knows some... things. But he doesn't know some other things that happened to me."
"And those things that happened to you," Rin said, putting emphasis on the words to make sure that Kagome understood it wasn't her fault. "That's why you don't deserve his love?" Kagome nodded her head, her eyes still averted. Rin sighed. "Kagome... what I hear is that you're telling him how to love you. Like so many things in your life, you want to control the way others give you attention and the way they love you. But Inuyasha loves you more than you could've imagined and more than you can control. And that scares the hell out of you."
Kagome smiled, chuckling in disbelief and shaking her head in amazement. This woman was hitting all of the right spots and it was... overwhelming... to think that this woman could solve her problems so easily. 'She's very good at her job.'
"You're right," Kagome whispered. Except Rin didn't know that that's exactly how she operated at Midnite. She had to control the way men 'loved' her and how they gave her attention. That was all under her control. But with Inuyasha... she couldn't know how he was going to love her or how he was going to touch her. So she had no idea what to expect and how to react. She was in new territory, everything out of her control... and it frightened her.
"Kagome, I've had many clients who've been through experiences like yours, though everyone has very unique experiences. What I'm saying is that people will normally respond with the same general beliefs after traumatic experiences like that. For you, you believe that you're unlovable, that you don't deserve to be loved. But that limiting belief came from the experience of your parents neglecting you."
Kagome smiled, shaking her head slowly. She looked at Rin with a sad smile. "There's a lot more to it than that. A lot more."
Rin took a breath and sighed, nodding her head. "Okay. Well... I'm willing to listen if you're willing to talk." She watched as Kagome chuckled, taking a few more tissues to wipe her nose and face. "I know it's been a lot so far and we can stop if you want. I really feel like we're making good progress, don't you?"
Kagome nodded, blowing her nose. "Sorry. Yes, I do. I swear... you've helped me to see so much about my past and how that's connected to what I do now. I feel like you've put a lot into perspective for me. You really did help me to see what I couldn't see about myself and that Little Kagome, as you call her," she said with a chuckle.
Rin smiled, grateful that she was able to help Kagome. "Well I'm glad that I could help. Honestly, this isn't going to be quick and easy, or a one-day-tell-all fix, and after this you're suddenly cured or something. It's not that simple with childhood trauma. It took years to instill and reinforce this belief you have about yourself and it's going to take time to unravel and break free of that belief. All I do is offer a listening ear and my insight. I will challenge you to think differently and after our talk, the choice is yours."
Kagome nodded her understanding, grateful that she at least had control in that. "I get it. I've never been to therapy, but just talking about it with someone is really helpful. I've never told anyone about my past like this before. My past has always been my identity and I've disconnected emotionally from it. I never looked too deep into it like what we're doing now."
Rin nodded. "It's helpful with a trained professional. That's super key. If you were to do this with just anyone, you could end up worse than before. Sometimes people want to help but they don't know how. They end up helping you open a door that they can't help you close, and you could go into a deeper rabbit's hole. Confronting a childhood trauma can be a dangerous job, even for professionals." When Kagome said nothing more, Rin breathed out. "Do you want to tell me what else happened?"
Kagome nodded. "Can we get off the floor first?" she asked with a giggle.
"Of course," Rin said, laughing. The two of them stood up with giggles and went back to their seats, getting comfortable again. Rin kept her legs crossed and just waited, staring at the crib where her daughter still slept. She was glad that Kumi was getting some rest after a night of unrest. She and Sesshomaru had been roused awake in what felt like every hour or less. Kumi was still adjusting to her grandparent's home and Rin couldn't blame her for feeling uncomfortable in a foreign place.
"I was ten years old when my father first raped me."
Rin turned to look at Kagome, shocked, her body frozen. She didn't expect this. Kagome was back in the same position as before with her feet on the chair and her arms wrapped around her bent legs. 'Raped? At ten?' That would be a huge childhood trauma, and especially from a parent? Rin frowned, stilling the beating of her heart.
"Does Inuyasha know?" she whispered, feeling so sorry for this young woman. The trauma she must have gone through... the life she must've had... Rin couldn't even imagine.
Kagome shook her head, her eyes on the ground in front of her. "He knows I was raped by my... ex." She wasn't ready to tell Rin that she had a husband. No one knows, except Onigumo. "Inuyasha knows I was raped... but not by my father," she said softly, as if the dead had ears. She stared at the ground, her face in anguish as she remembered that night, recalling it for Rin. It was a night she could never forget.
Kagome jolted awake, feeling the weight of something heavy on her. She looked around, trying to adjust her eyes in the dark, as a figure lay on top of her. She could feel someone's legs on either side of her body, caging her in. The person sat on her stomach, their heavy weight nearly suffocating her small figure. She began to fight, kicking her legs and using her arms to try and push the person off of her.
"Stop! Get off!" she screamed, feeling the person's hands catch both of hers and pinned them above her head. One hand held both of hers down while the other came up to silence her as she tried to scream again. Her muffled cries were drowned out by a big hand clasped tight against her mouth. In the darkness of the abandoned house her family stayed in, the city street lights couldn't shine enough into the darkened home. Not enough for her to see who it was on top of her. Where was her mother and father? She had screamed. Shouldn't they be here? Were they out again? Was she alone?
"Kagome..."
She froze. Her entire body went rigid and she stopped fighting. 'Daddy...' His face was next to hers, whispering in her ear, and she could smell the reeking smell of alcohol off his breath. She couldn't see him, but she knew it was him by the smell and sound of his voice.
"Kagome... be a good girl to Daddy now. Don't scream." He released his hand from her mouth and she took a gasp of air, frightened. Her father had never done anything like this before. 'What is he doing?' His other hand still pinned hers above her head and his weight on top of her trapped her from escaping. She turned her head to see if she could make out her mother's figure anywhere. She squinted and was able to see a dark figure lying on the floor opposite of her against the other wall, but she couldn't tell if that was her mother.
That was when he started to move his free hand down her chest, his hand harsh and rough as he rubbed her entire chest, over each breast. She was still too young to have any breasts like other women she's seen, and he was rough in his exploration of her body. She groaned in pain, trying her best not to make a noise and upset him. He startled her and she gasped when his head was now against her chest, kissing and biting her clothes up to her neck. She was stiff as a board, frightened and petrified as to what he was doing. She had seen it before. She was a street kid, after all, and she had snuck into enough places to know what sex was by now. Even though she was ten and had not developed like other women yet, she knew what to expect and what men and women do with each other because she learned by watching. This was even something she saw from her own parents when they didn't care who was in the room with them watching.
"Kagome, be Daddy's good little girl," her father said, his voice coming out harsher. He was breathing hard, rougher, and his other hand let go of her hands. "Keep your arms there. And don't scream." He kissed her neck roughly, nudging her chin up so that he could lick her neck and suck on it.
Kagome bit her lip hard to stop from screaming. 'No Daddy! Please don't!' Where was her mother? Wasn't she here, sleeping? Couldn't she hear them? Her father sucked hard on her neck, moaning while his hands roamed lower on her body, lifting up her shirt to feel her skin. She clenched both of her hands above her head, digging her nails into the skin of her palms. The pain was comforting. The pain she inflicted on her lip and her hands distracted her from the pain that her father was causing her.
"Daddy loves you, Kagome."
She thought about that, her head still tilted up, staring off into the darkness. 'Daddy loves me.' Yes, sometimes when she watched people have sex, they usually told each other that they loved each other. It usually came at the end though, but not all the time. Not the rough ones she saw. The more gentle ones came with sweet kisses and tender words of love. Is that what sex was? It was an act of love?
"I love you too, Daddy," she whispered, pained. She did. She loved him. He was her father. How could she not? All she wanted was her parents to love her.
She heard her father emit a sound that sounded like an animal's growl and then he sat up, taking his weight off her. Next thing she knew, his hands were roughly pulling her shorts and underwear off her, wiggling her feet out of them impatiently. She heard him shuffling with his clothing but she couldn't see what he was doing. Her heart beat so fast she felt like it was going to burst out of her chest. Should she run? He wasn't caging her in anymore. She could run now. She could get up and go. She knew what he was like when he was drunk. He wouldn't be able to chase after her in his stupor. All she had to do was get far enough away and wait until he passed out, like he always did, and then come back. The next day, he would wake up and forget all that happened. Should she run? Her whole body was shivering, not from the cold but from fear. She didn't know what to do. She was too paralyzed to even move.
Then, she felt his hands grab her legs and she squealed when he yanked her down, bringing her bottom half up onto his thighs. He was kneeled on the floor and she was now angled up on his thighs. Her legs fell open on either side of him as he kept pulling her up further onto him when something hit her inner thigh.
"Daddy loves you, Kagome," he said again, his voice panting this time. She choked on a sob, trying to remain as quiet as he wanted her to. His hands roamed up her legs and went to her hips. One of his hands left her and she heard a wet, suckling sound before she jumped out of fright when his hand came back. This time, his hand went to her private area and she froze. No one has ever touched her there.
She bit her lip as she felt his fingers graze over her mound, rubbing her roughly. Her whole body felt tingly, but her lower region felt the most. She didn't know how to describe it, but she didn't like it. He was rough with her, his calloused hands rubbing against her, hurting her. And then, she jerked hard, letting out a scream as pain tore through her. He stuck a finger in her, again and again, making her scream over and over at the intense pain of what he was doing to her body down there.
She didn't know that sex was this painful. The people who did it didn't look like they were in this much pain, but she felt like her private area was on fire, almost like it had been torn open. Her eyes were squeezed shut and tears ran down just as her father leaned over her to clamp his free hand over her mouth, muffling her cries.
"I said to be a good girl, Kagome," he said, his voice harsh. "Be quiet!" But she couldn't. She couldn't stop screaming because it was too painful. She began to toss her head back and forth, trying to get him to let go of her mouth. She wanted him to stop. This was too much.
He suddenly let go of her mouth and she screamed. "Daddy! Please stop! It hurts!" But he didn't listen. She heard him spit several times while his finger moved in and out of her, causing more and more pain. She could feel every inch of his finger moving at a haphazard pace now as she heard a slippery sound. He was moving something slippery back and forth and he began to moan, whispering under his breath.
"Good girl, Kagome. Daddy loves you," he said, moaning loudly.
Kagome bit her bottom lip as his finger continued. She could do nothing but lie there and take it. The pain. So much pain. She kept crying because it was too much, over and over again, he never stopped. She bit her lip so hard that she could taste blood in her mouth. She was sure she had broken the skin in both hands because her fingers were getting slippery, but she didn't care. The pain was everywhere, on her lips, on her hands, on and in her private. His moans increased and got faster, so did the slippery sound. His finger was moving smoother now within her and she could feel a warm wetness within her, sliding out and down her butt crack.
Then, suddenly he withdrew his finger and she gasped at the suction of it. Her body felt too raw. Too ripped open. Her chest heaved up and down, thankful that it was finally over. But then she felt his hand go to her hip, holding on, and then he shoved something hard back into her and she screamed out in pain again. This one was bigger than his finger and it felt like it ripped through her, like he split her open. Whatever it was, it hurt like hell, worse than before, and she couldn't stop crying out in pain.
"Daddy! Daddy stop! It hurts! It hurts!" she screamed, over and over again. She tossed her head back and forth as he had both of his hands on her hip, moving her little body back and forth on his thighs. The hard thing moved in and out of her and she cried in her pain, tears spilling down her face. She bit her lip again and tasted blood. "Daddy please, stop!"
Her father let out moans, as if he was getting pleasure from this. He sounded so happy. His moans grew louder, rough, like he couldn't contain himself. Couldn't he tell that he was hurting her? Didn't he care that he was?
"Daddy..." she said softer, getting tired from fighting, from crying and from screaming. "It hurts..."
"Da...ddy...loves...you..." he said with each thrust into her small body. He repeated himself over and over again, going faster with the tempo of his body. "Da...ddy...loves...you..." That was all she heard as his hands got tighter on her hips, gripping and bruising her. That was all she heard as he kept shoving that thing into her faster and faster, the sound of their bodies the only thing she heard in the background of his voice. It was as if everything was amplified. She felt like she was in a tunnel and everything was echoing around, growing louder and louder. And as her father grew louder and louder, and as the movement grew faster and faster, she got quieter and quieter. No longer did she cry out in pain. The pain was numbing. No longer did she ask him to stop. He never stopped and no one came to help her. No longer did she toss her head back and forth. She grew almost serene, unclenching her fists and lying there lifelessly, waiting for this eternity to end.
When it finally did, when her father finally stopped and his heavy breathing was the only thing she could hear in the quiet of the house, only then could she feel her heart beating, the only thing reminding her that she was still alive.
"Daddy loves you, Kagome."
The memory was still fresh in her mind but just like that night, she felt almost serene as she tried to give Rin a vivid explanation of how that night went. She was almost stoic telling Rin what happened. She had learned, after all those times that he raped her, how to separate herself from what was happening to her, like becoming a fly on the wall. She had learned how to cope when things were... out of her control.
"Did your father always tell you he loved you?"
Kagome shrugged with a faraway look. "Sometimes. When he brought me jasmines or when he remembered me after their binges."
"But he told you he loved you during this rape?"
"He said it all the time."
Rin froze at her words. "How many times were there?" She was afraid to know.
"Too much to count."
"How many years?"
Kagome thought about it for a moment. "Five years. Always when he was drunk. I remember the smell of his breath when he would suck on my neck."
"And your mother?"
Kagome pictured her mother's face, what it looked like the last time she remembered her. Her mother's face was riddled with scars from her picking at her face during her highs. Her hair was always disheveled as much as she tried to tidy herself up and look presentable in her son-in-law's home. Her eyes were sunken in, her skin grey and clammy. She looked sickly, her life revolved around getting the next high. Last she knew, that was her mother. "She knew."
"Did she say anything about it?"
"No." 'She knew. And she didn't do a damn thing about it.' Kagome knew that her mother knew about her father raping her, numerous times, because after the first time it happened, her mother was in the room the next morning. Kagome hadn't slept a wink the entire night until the morning when the room was bright enough for her to see figures. Only then did she see her mother lying on the opposite side of the room, the same spot she had seen the dark figure last night. Her father was curled around her mother in a deep, drunken sleep. Her mother had been there and had heard the entire ordeal. How could her mother not hear her when she had been screaming her lungs out? Her mother was there... and had done nothing to help her. "She was there the next morning. I got up before they did and went to go clean all the blood off myself in one of the streams. When I came back to the house, they were gone."
Rin frowned, furrowing her eyebrows. "They left you alone a lot as a child?"
She nodded. "Since I can remember. They were drug addicts, addicted to cocaine and heroine. Heroine was their favorite and that usually gave them the biggest high and the worst withdrawal. They left me alone a lot to get money for their next fix. That was all they thought about. I had to learn how to grow up fast, take care of myself and feed myself. We were homeless because my parents sold everything for drugs. We lived on the streets or in abandoned homes or in homeless camps in the woods. I learned a lot in a homeless community. I never went to school. With their help, I learned how to read and write by watching others. They taught me how to pick food out of the garbage to eat or make money by selling vegetables. When I was old enough, I worked at a fish market and used the money to buy me food."
"Your parents?"
"I think they got by on their own. Sometimes they brought me food and water whenever they found their way back to me. But it was usually me going out to look for them. I worried for them a lot and worried if they were dead or alive." She remembered that gut-wrenching, awful feeling in the pit of her stomach. That fear that both of her parents had overdosed and died, or killed by a drug dealer. As silly as it was, that was her greatest fear for a long time. Being alone. Even though she grew up alone because her parents were never around to even remember her, in the back of her mind, she always knew that she was never alone because she had a family. Somewhere out there, she had her parents. They were alive, they were out there, and she would find them somehow. That gave her comfort. Until she grew up.
"You worried about your parents?"
"All the time. Funny, huh?" Kagome said with a snicker, glancing at Rin for a split second. "After all that they did, and didn't do, as I look back on it now... I still loved them and cared for them more than they did for me. It worried me when I couldn't find them for days. Days they would be out on a drug binge and after I searched numerous drug houses, I finally found them and felt such a sense of relief. Almost like a heavy weight had been lifted from my shoulders. How crazy is that?"
Rin shook her head. "That's not crazy, Kagome. You were a child. Of course, looking back on it now, you might look at Little Kagome and think she was crazy. But she wasn't. You were just a child who loved your parents and who wanted to be loved, to be cared for, to be missed." She found herself getting righteously angry for the girl, blurring the lines of professionalism, which she rarely did. She didn't know if it was because this was her brother-in-law's mate or if it was just because she felt such a deep sadness for this woman in front of her. Whatever it was, Rin was always able to keep her emotions in check with her clients and she was always able to separate herself so that she was professional with them. This time... it was hard to keep a straight face and to keep her emotions in check. No one deserved a life like this.
Kagome took a deep breath, shrugging her shoulders as she sat back in the chair. "Doesn't matter. I've moved on from them."
The sound of Kumi's cries started up and Rin quickly stood, walking over to the crib to rub Kumi's back. But that didn't appease the baby and so she picked Kumi up and bounced her softly against her chest, turning to face Kagome. "When you say you've moved on, what do you mean?"
"I left Shikoku and I'm never going back," Kagome said with finality.
Rin noticed the strange determination in Kagome's voice and wondered why she was so passionate about not returning to that island. "Is it because you don't want to see your parents again?" she asked, bouncing her baby and slowly moving back towards Kagome.
Kagome shook her head. "It's not that... My mother still lives there. My father died when I was fifteen."
"I'm sorry to hear that," Rin said, wondering if Kagome was happy or sad that her father had passed. "May I ask how he died?" She stopped at the foot of the bed and continued to bounce her waking child.
"Overdose on meth." Kagome knew that one day that thing was going to take them. It finally took her father and she knew that if it hadn't already, it was going to take her mother. She could care less.
"How did his death make you feel?"
She thought about it, trying to remember back to when she had discovered his body. She remembers finding her parents together in an underground shelter that looked like a lot of junkies would camp out during their binges. There were cots and blankets scattered everywhere in the room that smelled of drugs, odor and death. It was disgusting, the ground was littered with needles and blood, but she had become so used to that kind of environment. She had found both of her parents on one of those cots. Her mother was clinging to her father with her head lolled back against the wall behind her and her mouth wide open. She went to check her mother's pulse and could hear her mother's labored breathing, still alive. And when she went to check her father's pulse, there was none. He was still in her mother's arms, dead.
"I didn't feel anything." She remembers in that smoke-filled room with no windows and barely a yellow light glowing bright, she didn't feel anything. Her father was dead. She was alive. Move on. "I remember I found my mother holding my father. They were both high and he had overdosed while she hadn't. I shook her and woke her up, and waited until she could walk with me out of that hellhole."
"You left his body there?"
"There was nothing I could do."
Rin shook her head, not trying to accuse Kagome of anything. "No, there wasn't. You were thinking about taking care of your mother."
Kagome nodded her head. She brought her feet back down on the floor and sat up, resting an arm on the table. "Yes. I needed to take her out of there and make sure she was okay. I couldn't carry his body out and help her walk at the same time."
"Kagome... you don't have to explain yourself to me," Rin said with a smile. "I understand why you did what you did. And I can understand if there was a deeper reason as to why you felt nothing for the death of your father."
Kagome remained silent. There was nothing that she felt for her father. Yes, she loved him. She would always love him. And every time she saw a jasmine flower she was immediately reminded of her father's smiling face as he gave her a jasmine flower. Yes, she loved him. And yes, she hated him. She hated what he had done to her. She hated her mother for not helping her, for not being a mother and protecting her daughter. She hated her parents for the life that she had to live. As she watched Rin with her daughter, she was envious of that mother-daughter love that Rin had for Kumi. She saw it a lot. She saw it with Izayoi and Inuyasha, with Sango and her mom, Miroku and his mom. She saw it at the charity event and she was going to see it again tomorrow at the engagement party. She never had parents like theirs. The way her parents loved her was different from the way their parents loved them. But it was love all the same, right?
"A friend of mine told me that I don't know what love is."
Rin's eyebrows rose a little. "Why did your friend say that?"
Kagome turned to look out the glass doors, staring at the sky outside. "He doesn't think I know how to love anyone because of what happened in my past."
Rin heard the sad tone of her voice and switched Kumi in her arms. "Because of what happened with your father?"
"He doesn't know that. But what happened with my ex..."
"He was abusive too?"
"You could say that..." She didn't want to talk to Rin about Koga right now. Maybe never. She had a feeling that with the Fujimoto's wealth and high status that they knew of the Nakashima family. She couldn't risk the chance of Koga ever finding her or of people discovering that she was married to him.
Rin sighed, looking down at Kumi. "Well... do you think he's right? Do you know what love is?"
Kagome looked back at Kumi in Rin's arms, smiling fondly at the fussing baby. "I thought I did."
"Of course. You were taught to believe that love is abuse. Your father brainwashed you into thinking that love was rape. That the reason why he raped you was because of his love for you. Right?" Kagome frowned but nodded her head. She wanted Kagome to see this and to understand the deep, deep trauma that was inflicted upon her.
"Kagome... what your father did to you was not love. It wasn't. Your father raped you. He was not loving you, he was hurting you."
She knew what Rin said was true. But the truth hurts. She had believed all her life that her father, her parents, loved her. She had told herself over and over that they just couldn't help themselves, making up excuses on their behalf as to why they weren't better parents to her. She always found a way to stand up for her parents and make excuses for them. But her love for them was never reciprocated. It wasn't until she grew up and got away did she truly start to resent her parents. Yes, she still loved them and wouldn't wish anything bad on her mother, but she hated them both and could care less if her mother joined her father. "I... ruined my relationship with Inuyasha."
Rin went to sit back on the chair once Kumi settled. "Why would you say that?"
"Because I did," she said with finality. Kagome turned to look across the table at Rin with a pained expression. "But I love him."
Rin frowned, showing sympathy as tears ran down Kagome's face. "Oh Kagome... I know you do. Do you not believe yourself?"
Kagome wiped at her tears, frustrated with herself. She had cried too much today already. "What my friend said made sense. I really don't know what love is because I haven't been shown what love is, what real love is."
"Yes... that is true. The love you were shown was not real love. But that doesn't mean that you don't know how to love. Look... you loved your parents when they were loving you in the wrong way. You loved them in the right way. You took care of them, worried for them, went looking for them. That's love, Kagome. If you didn't love them you would've given up on them a long time ago."
She shook her head slowly, not knowing what to believe. "You were right in what you said before. I don't know what love is because I don't love myself, or not the way that I should. If I did, I would let myself be loved by Inuyasha and I would let myself love him. But I didn't. I let him go because I loved him enough to want to see him happy with someone else who can love him better than I can."
"And who's to say that you can't love him the way that he wants to be loved?"
Kagome blinked, staring confusedly at Rin. Her words struck her heart. "I don't know... I'm not right for him."
"Kagome... you should tell Inuyasha what happened. He needs to know."
She shook her head, turning her head. "No. We're not together. He doesn't care about me anymore."
Rin snickered. "Is that what you think?" Kagome looked back at her, confused. Rin shook her head in disbelief. "Honey... inuyoukai mate for life. Meaning they only have one mate they choose to be with for their entire lives. And if a mate so happens to die, they will choose to die with them or continue living and possibly, if they so choose, find another mate. In inuyoukai culture, you are his mate. And if you think that Inuyasha has moved on from you... you're horribly mistaken."
Kagome frowned but remained quiet. Rin would know more about inuyoukai culture than she would. She knew a little about the wolf youkai culture, enough to know where she stood in Koga's eyes. But she didn't know much about Inuyasha and his species. "We're not together anymore," she said again, trying to convince Rin.
"Yes, you said that. But that doesn't mean that he stopped loving you."
There was a knock on the door just before it opened and Sesshomaru stepped into the room. "The others are here," he announced.
Rin gasped and the both of them looked at each other. "What time is it?" she asked her mate.
"It's 12:15pm. The others just got here." He walked towards them and Rin stood, smiling at Kagome.
"Do you want to go see the others?"
Kagome shook her head immediately. She even tried to hide her face from Sesshomaru. She had a feeling that she looked horrible from all the crying and she really didn't want to be around people right now. Not a big group if the gang was here. And not around Inuyasha. She was sure that she wasn't emotionally stable enough right now to be around him.
"I think I'm going to go to my room and take a bath. Can you tell Izayoi that I won't be joining for lunch or even after lunch? I might just take a nap and then join everyone for dinner." She began to collect all of her used tissues as she stood.
Rin looked at Sesshomaru, giving her mate a worried look. He opened his arms for their daughter, knowing what Rin wanted to do. She gave Kumi to him and turned to give Kagome her full attention. "We can keep talking if you want to. I don't mind staying here with you."
"No," Kagome said with a soft giggle. "I think I talked your ear off long enough."
"Honey... I usually get paid for it but I can honestly listen for hours. So our time was nothing, trust me. Plus... I really enjoyed our time together," she said with a smile. She felt like she was able to get closer to Kagome, even though it was talking about dark things.
Kagome smiled at Rin. "I did too. And please... keep this between us." She would have to trust Rin's professionalism that she wouldn't break an oath and tell Inuyasha. Rin had already mentioned that she wanted Inuyasha to know the truth, but Kagome didn't want him to know. He wouldn't want to work with her after he found out what happened to her. Not just with her father but also with Koga. And she needed her job. She loved her job. But truly, she loved Inuyasha more and, if she was honest with herself, her job was the only way she could see and be around him.
Rin took a breath and nodded her head, wishing that Kagome would reconsider. "Of course. On my honor." Kagome smiled thankfully and went to throw her tissues away in the waste bin.
"Thank you, Rin, for listening. You helped me a lot," she said, already backing out towards the door. Rin and Sesshomaru followed her as the three of them left the room with a fully awake Kumi in her father's arms.
"Of course. I would still like to talk if you're willing. We still have that other topic to discuss."
Kagome nodded, getting the unspoken impression that she was referring to Koga. "Okay," she said as they got into the hallway.
Rin smiled, thankful that she was open to talking more. "Okay. Here..." she said, going to help Kagome find her room. "I think your things were left in your room."
"Ah, yeah, my suitcase." She followed behind Rin across the hall, next to Inuyasha's room. The door was left cracked open and Rin peeked in, smiling as she saw Kagome's suitcase just past the door.
"Here it is. This must be your room."
Kagome frowned. 'Right next to Inuyasha's. How convenient,' she thought with irony. "Thank you."
Rin smiled and bowed slightly. "Let someone know if you get hungry later. I'm sure they'll be able to make you something if you get hungry before dinner."
Kagome waved her hand in the air. "I'll be fine. Thanks, Rin." She walked in and turned to smile at Rin one last time before she closed the door and locked it.
Rin turned to look at her mate. Sesshomaru could immediately sense her worry and sadness, he sensed it when he entered their room, and the look on her face told him more. "Sessho..." she said, walking into him. He held Kumi out with one hand and wrapped his free arm around her, bringing Kumi close against her. Rin kissed the top of Kumi's head and breathed in her mate's scent, letting him calm her. He always was able to help her after a day at work. The emotional toll that it took on her was a lot, to be able to sit and listen to all the trauma and abuse that many of her clients suffered through. She wanted to scream at the world, she wanted revenge for her clients, she wanted to see people put in prison or worse, to death. But that wasn't a part of her job. Her job was to listen and to help people heal and empower them with the strength to move on in their lives. To become a victor and not a victim. But still... it took a lot from her.
"Do you want to go back to our room?" Sesshomaru asked. She smiled and shook her head against him, touched by his worry for her. He was always so protective of her and in times like this, she appreciated that. But being alone and in the quiet of their room would only make her think about what happened to Kagome.
"No. Let's go see your brother and the others. I want to congratulate Sango and Miroku," she said, moving back to look up at him with a smile. The two of them headed for the staircase to meet with the others.
Downstairs everyone was chatting in the kitchen, standing around and catching up as Izayoi and her help were getting the table ready for everyone. Rin came in and ran to Sango and Miroku, congratulating them on their engagement. After Rin said all of her 'hellos' to the gang, she went to help Izayoi set the table, and also to tell her that Kagome would not be joining them. Everyone became captivated with the new addition to the Fujimoto family and they all gathered around Sesshomaru who held his baby girl in his arms. Sango and all the women cooed over the little baby girl, awake and quietly watching them all in the comfort of her father's arms.
"Oh my gosh, she's adorable!" Mai squealed, clenching her fists together. "I just want to squeeze her cheeks, look at her!"
Shiori smiled. "How old is she?"
"Four months," Sesshomaru said.
"She looks bigger than four months," Kokoro said, her eyes twinkling with delight.
"Youkai babies grow faster than human babies," Inuyasha informed them, standing with the guys behind the girls. He remembered that no one in the group had seen Sesshomaru's daughter before. Kumi was almost three months during the charity event and she remained in her parent's room while the festivities were happening in the great hall. So naturally, everyone wanted to finally meet Inuyasha's first niece.
"She looks so much like the two of you," Aiko said, gazing up at Sesshomaru. "She has your eyes and your markings, but Rin's facial features and her hair. Cute!"
"Alright, everyone. Lunch is ready," Izayoi called from the table, watching her mate walk into the kitchen just in time. She smiled at him and the others all made their way to the kitchen table. Sesshomaru, Rin and Izayoi took up their normal positions with Inutaisho at the head and Inuyasha next to his mother's side. The others all found seats wherever they wanted to sit. The couples sat together while the others spread out evenly on either side of the table. There were a total of sixteen people at the table, a table that could sit thirty people comfortably.
Inutaisho stood, making everyone look at him with smiles. "Thank you, Miroku and Sango, for allowing my mate and myself to throw you a wonderful engagement party for you this week. And thank you all for coming and supporting these two young souls who will soon tie their lives together and become one." Sango and Miroku looked at each other with loving smiles. Miroku tenderly kissed her cheek as she squeezed his hand in her lap. "I don't want to say too much because I want to have something to say at tomorrow night's dinner. But I do just want to thank everyone for loving Miroku and Sango, and for making this week memorable for them." He took his seat as they gave him a round of applause for the short but sweet speech to kick off their week together.
The two help began to serve everyone their lunches that the family chef had prepared for today. "Tonight we're going to have a big dinner, so everyone come dressed. And then tomorrow I'll have more chefs and waiters to help throughout the whole day. We're going to have a lot of food and a lot of fun things to do," Izayoi said, her happiness uncontainable.
"Honey, you always go overboard with these things," Inutaisho said with a smile and a small shake of his head.
Izayoi shrugged, unfazed. "I love planning parties. I can't help myself if I go overboard." Inutaisho chuckled as he watched the plates being brought over as quickly as they could to all of the guests.
Inuyasha looked down at his plate and then up at everyone at the table. Some of them began to talk amongst themselves, talking about the things that his mother might have planned for the week or talking about the wedding that they can't wait to happen. He looked at the amount of silverware and turned to his left, leaning close to his mother.
"Mother... where's Kagome?" he asked softly.
Izayoi turned to look at him, her eyes belying her smile. "She won't be joining us for lunch. She came earlier and joined us for breakfast so I think she's just tired."
"She did?" He didn't know that Kagome had arrived that early, though he expected her to be here because he could smell her scent the minute he walked into his parent's home. "What time did she arrive?"
"Mmmm... maybe about an hour after you called me?" Inuyasha turned his head from her, confused. Izayoi frowned now that her son wasn't looking at her. She knew that something had happened between her son and Kagome, but she hadn't asked yet. She had her suspicions when Kagome showed up alone and when Inuyasha had called her this morning and said he didn't know when Kagome was going to get to the house. But her worries increased when Inuyasha and the others showed up and he didn't ask about Kagome, until now. He didn't even ask if they were going to wait for Kagome to join them for lunch since she knew her son's nose, and she knew that he knew Kagome was here. He just wasn't asking for her. Even after Rin had told her a quick rundown of Kagome's condition and that she wasn't going to join them for lunch or the get-together with the women after lunch, she knew something was wrong. 'Something happened between these two.' But she was trying so hard not to be a meddling mother. It was hard, though, because she loved them both. She was very fond of Kagome and knew that she was the one for her son. She also just wanted her son to be happy and was so thrilled that he finally found someone that he showed interest in, well, more than interest.
She was about to meddle and ask Inuyasha but she felt a hand on hers and turned to look at her mate. His knowing, golden eyes gave her a look as if he was reading her thoughts, and she frowned. He smiled sweetly at her and took her hand, placing a kiss on the back of her hand. "Let's eat."
Izayoi nodded, putting a smile back on. She decided not to bring Kagome up unless she just happen to come up in conversation. She turned to see that everyone finally had their plates in front of them. "Itadakimasu!"
They all smiled at her and repeated, everyone grabbing their chopsticks or utensils. Sango, however, turned to look at Inuyasha with weariness.
"Any word from Kagome?" Of course, Sango knew what happened. Inuyasha had told Miroku who then told her, and she was not pleased about it, at all. She was angry at Inuyasha for leaving Kagome like that in the academy, and for breaking up with her like that. But Miroku told her to stay out of it. So she tried. She did try to reach out to Kagome on Saturday and Sunday but Kagome just texted back that she was okay and she was sorry for causing any worry or drama at such an important time for them. 'Kagome...' She worried about Kagome when it seemed like Kagome was worried about others. Kagome was never one to open up easily and Sango thought they had formed a deeper friendship together. But now... Kagome was closed off again.
Inuyasha didn't look at her but just shook his head and ate a bite of his salad. Izayoi, however, did look up at Sango with a comforting smile.
"She's fine, darling. She's upstairs getting some rest. She came early this morning and wasn't hungry for lunch, so she's taking a nap before tonight's dinner." Rin looked up to see Izayoi glance at her, and the both of them began to eat their salads. The others looked around at each other and at Inuyasha, who looked worried but continued eating. So they all began to eat too.
-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-
Kagome sighed, staring out at the garden below. It was just like she remembered. There were hydrangeas of all colors: blue, purple, pink, white, all in bloom. The jasmines were also in bloom and the sweet, sweet smell of all those flowers wafted up to the balcony above. Kagome smiled, taking a deep breath, letting that sweet aroma fill her with joy and peace. After that dinner, she just needed a breath of fresh air. And what a treat to take a breath of the sweet aroma.
She stood outside on the balcony alone, lounging against the stone balustrade. The night was cool and the stars were out, shining with the crescent moon above. 'How beautiful.' Everyone was in the great room, laughing and talking about plans for the wedding and the funny ideas they had for Miroku and Sango's bachelor and bachelorette parties. They were all happily thinking of the future for the two love birds and everyone was brainstorming, giving the two some ideas.
But she couldn't muster up any more strength to smile. Nor did she have the strength anymore to be around Inuyasha without falling apart. So she ended up excusing herself. At first, she went to the bathroom and took her sweet time, stalling. When she got out and walked towards the great room, the picture-perfect scene of everyone gathered together like a family hurt her heart. The sight brought tears to her eyes and she froze, turning instead to the opposite side where the great hall was. She quickly made her way to the great hall and then towards the doors to head out onto the balcony. When she closed the balcony doors, she noticed all of the furniture for tomorrow's events that were setup. The guys were able to set everything up within the hours that they had, and everything obviously fit out on the balcony.
The table outside looked just as big as the Fujimoto's kitchen table. She had walked around the table, counting all the chairs and counted thirty. There were also two round tables on the left side of the balcony. One held what looked like a chocolate fountain machine and possibly the fondue machine that Izayoi wanted. The other was completely empty. None of the tables were dressed, which she assumed would be tomorrow's tasks. Even with the main table setup, there was still so much room on the balcony to move around.
Now, she leaned against the balustrade and stared down at the flowers, smiling to herself. Today had been a hard day and she wished that she was home or working at Midnite. Those were her comfort zones, and she was too raw and too exposed to be around people right now, at least around the scene that confronted her in the great room. Midnite was her obsession, the work, the control, those were her obsessions, and she needed familiarity after all of today's revelations. Thanks to Rin, she was able to help bring a lot of things into the light, things that Kagome had buried for so long. Even things that she had never realized about her past or about herself. Thanks to Rin, she was able to open those doors again and confront what happened to her. But the doors were opened. And she felt so much shame.
"Kagome."
She jumped, turning around to see Inuyasha standing behind her. She hadn't heard him come outside or walk up to her, and she was shocked to see him here. He looked so handsome in his dress clothes. Izayoi had wanted them to dress up tonight and tomorrow night, so they had all brought suitable clothes for the formal events. Inuyasha wore a white, button-up shirt with black pants and he kept his hair down. She did the same with her hair and wore a navy, sleeveless dress with criss-cross backing. Since it was an indoor, family event, no one wore shoes in the house. But tomorrow's event was to be on the balcony so they were allowed to wear shoes in the great hall and the balcony.
"Inuyasha." Her heart hurt looking at him. 'Can I even continue working with him?' she suddenly thought, mustering a smile. She was starting to think about quitting her job with Kikyo. There was no way she could work with him when she loved him. She thought she could. But the more she spent time around him, the more she realized that her feelings for him would cloud her professionalism. That was one thing she was thinking about all day as she cried herself to sleep. She was thinking about him.
"What are you doing here?" she asked him.
"You were gone for a long time. Sango started to ask where you were and Shiori said you weren't in the bathroom."
She smiled at him. "I just needed some fresh air." She turned her back to him and dropped her smile, taking a breath. "Inuyasha... I was thinking... maybe it's better if I quit the group."
"What?!"
She didn't turn around but by the sound of his voice, she could tell that he wasn't happy. "I thought... I thought I would be able to continue working with you and just be... cordial. But I can't," she confessed. "I can't work with you, Inuyasha. It's too... hard."
He didn't say anything. He couldn't. Inuyasha wanted to shake her. He wanted to make her stay with the group. She was a valuable asset to Kikyo. Her dancing skills were extraordinary and, thanks to Blue Lightning, Kikyo's fame and sales have been higher than they've ever been before. He knew that the group also liked her, and to hell if he would have to go through the hiring process again to find another dancer to fill her place. No one would ever fill her place. No one could be Blue Lightning with him. 'Who am I kidding?' he thought, staring at her back. His feelings was not because of work, or Kikyo losing sales or the fact that he would be losing a great dancer. The real reason was because he didn't want to lose her.
"Do you think it's easy for me?"
Kagome closed her eyes in anguish. "Inuyasha... please..." she sighed, defeated.
"It's not easy for me, Kagome," he said suddenly. "You don't know... how much you've broken my heart."
Kagome turned around at his soft confession, gripping the stone balustrade behind her to keep her from running to him. She bit her bottom lip, feeling tears spring to her eyes. He stood across from her, his ears drooped and his beautiful, golden eyes so haunted. "Inuyasha..."
He moved towards her because he couldn't stop himself even if he tried. He could see it in her eyes, in her body. He closed the distance between them, placing his hands on either side of her face. She released her bottom lip that she was biting to say something and he leaned down to kiss her. Softly. Sweetly. God, he loved her. He loved her more than she knew, more than she cared to know. And he wouldn't be able to stop loving her. He tried. She was his. She would always be his. And his heart would always belong to her.
Kagome melted at the soft touch of his lips against hers. She immediately whimpered, her heart constricting in pain. But then, just too quickly, he pulled back. She released her death grip on the stone and her hands fell to her sides. 'What do I do?' She kept her eyes sealed shut. She couldn't bear to look at him. She felt so much shame.
"Inuyasha..." She hung her head with him still holding her face gently. "I love you." She needed him to know and she wasn't sure why or what she expected, but if she was going to love someone, it was always and only going to be him. He was the only one who she's ever loved like this. And this... this she wanted to believe was what love was. The way he made her feel, so special and precious, she wanted to believe that that was true love. And yes, it scared her to death to know that she couldn't control his love. She didn't know what his love may look like and she couldn't control anything that he wanted to give her. But her feelings for him were too much for her to deny or pretend they weren't real. She really did love him.
She felt his lips kiss her forehead and her bottom lip trembled as her dams broke. She felt tears fall down her cheeks and he quickly followed them with his lips, kissing his way down the trail of tears. 'Inuyasha...' His tenderness broke her heart. She brought up her hands up his chest, feeling her way up to the back of his neck. She lifted up her face and he immediately kissed her, this time with more passion. She cried as she held onto him and he released her face to bring his hands down her body, wrapping his arms around her. He brought her flush against him and deepened the kiss. She eagerly accepted his desire, opening her mouth and clashing with his tongue. She was swept away in desire for him. This man, he was the only one who she wanted to be with. The only one who made her feel so safe and yet so uninhibited at the same time. The first and only love of her life.
Inuyasha broke the kiss and licked at Kagome's tears. "I love you, Kagome. More than you know..." He went back to kissing her because he couldn't help himself. He pushed her back against the balustrade and leaned her back a little against it, holding her up against him. He wanted her. He wanted to make her his. He was still so confused and frustrated as to what happened just a few days ago and why she was fighting 'them' all the time. He didn't understand it, he didn't understand her, and she was not willing to tell him. He wanted to shake her, he wanted to love her, he wanted to yell at her, and he wanted to tell her how much she meant to him. This woman drove him crazy, and yet it was all because he loved her. "I love you," he said, moving back again so that he could see her.
"Why?" Kagome asked, pained. "How can you love me?" she asked, bringing her hands down to his shoulders, gripping at his shirt. She looked up at him, seeing his golden eyes so full of love.
Inuyasha smiled, bringing her hair back behind her ears. "Your my mate, Kagome. I love you because your the other half of my soul."
"Kagome." The two of them turned to see Rin come out onto the balcony, her worry clearly written on her face. "I got worried when you didn't come back."
Kagome let go of Inuyasha and he turned to look at her, clearly not happy that they were disturbed. She smiled at him and grabbed his hands, taking them from her face as she squeezed them.
"Is everything okay?" Rin asked as she came up to them. She took in the situation and was gauging Kagome's mood, which she could tell that Kagome was still too raw and emotional as it was obvious that she had been crying again. She worried for Kagome now that the doors were open, and she knew that Kagome would have triggers in this emotionally raw state.
"We're fine," Kagome said, releasing Inuyasha as he turned to look at Rin.
"We're fine, Rin." He didn't now why his brother's mate was here bothering them. And one thing he noticed that was odd to him was how she had been keeping a close eye on Kagome. He noticed that throughout the whole dinner. Rin had wanted Kagome to sit next to her during dinner and she had spoke to Kagome a lot in hushed tones. Of course, he could hear them, and Rin had asked Kagome if she was okay and if she needed a break. Something had happened between them, probably during the morning when Kagome had come to his parent's house early. But what happened within those few hours? "We were just talking," he said defensively, hoping Rin would leave them alone.
"Mmhmm," Rin said with a teasing look and a smile. As much as she was happy that the two of them may be working things out, she couldn't help but worry for the both of them. Inuyasha was still oblivious to everything that Kagome shared with her. And Kagome was still too raw and emotionally unstable to make any decisions this minute. "Well... I was hoping to speak to Kagome, alone," she said, looking at him.
Inuyasha glared at Rin, now frustrated at her. He wanted to know why she was being so protective and motherly towards Kagome the whole night. Was it something he missed? Besides... he was having a moment with her and he didn't want Rin to ruin it. He and Kagome needed to talk. For one thing, he wanted to make sure that she really wasn't thinking about quitting the group. "We're talking, Rin."
"I know. But I need to talk with her, Inuyasha. Please."
"It's okay, Inuyasha," Kagome said, catching his attention. She smiled at him reassuringly, grabbing his hand and giving him a comforting squeeze. "Give us a minute? We'll come back in after." She watched as he thought about it for a minute, obviously getting suspicious as he looked between the two of them. He finally gave her one last look, shaking his head defeatedly.
"Fine." With that, she released his hand and he headed back into the house. Kagome turned around to lean against the balustrade again, emotionally exhausted, as Rin watched until Inuyasha went back in and closed the balcony door, making sure he wouldn't be listening to them.
"Kagome," Rin started, turning around to head to Kagome's side. "What are you doing?"
She sighed, tired. "I don't know. I told him I loved him and... we kissed."
Rin watched Kagome, taking in her body language. "And?"
She shrugged, staring up at the sky. "And I told him that I need to quit the group because I can't work with him when I'm still in love with him." That was true. It was hard enough to be around him, especially now in a personal, intimate setting like his family's home. But she would be in front of millions of fans watching and if she had any doubts of being professional around him, she didn't want to learn the hard way and make a mistake during Kikyo's performance. "I can't work with him. I'm afraid my feelings for him would cloud my judgment especially on stage."
Rin sighed, shaking her head. "Kagome... I'm saying this because it needs to be said but I'm also saying this because Inuyasha is my brother-in-law and I'm protective of him." Kagome smiled, knowing Rin would eventually stand up for him. "Do you want to be with Inuyasha or not?"
Kagome looked at her over her shoulder. "You think I don't want to?"
"You tell me. I see you straddling the line and I don't like it, as his sister-in-law, but I also don't think it's healthy for either of you, as a psychologist."
Kagome stared at Rin for a long time, not saying anything. She blinked and then turned to look back up at the stars. "The question isn't whether or not I want to be with him. The question is whether or not he wants to be with me."
Rin frowned, furrowing her eyebrows. "Why is that the question to ask?"
"Because he doesn't know..."
Rin sighed. "Which is why I told you that you need to tell him. I have a feeling that you're going to have flashbacks and you're going to be going through an emotional rollercoaster now that those doors have been opened. And Inuyasha can be the rock you lean on, if you would only tell him." Kagome said nothing. She simply stared out at the stars. Rin looked behind them, making sure they were still alone, and then leaned her arms on the balustrade. "Are you still afraid of telling him about your father and the rape?" she asked softly.
Kagome shrugged. "Yes. But there's more to it. And he wouldn't accept me if he knew all of it." 'I wouldn't...' she thought. She hated herself for the things she did, or didn't do, and she knew that Inuyasha wouldn't understand or accept her if he knew too.
"Know what, Kagome? Inuyasha loves you. He loves you," Rin pleaded, trying to get it into the girl's head. "Nothing you say would make him love you less. If he still loves you now, then not even the two of you breaking up was enough to make him love you less. I told you... inuyoukai mate for life. Can't you see that he loves you?" The poor girl. She was so confused and brainwashed in her thinking of love that she couldn't even see it when it was staring at her in the face.
"Rin..." Kagome said, her voice growing soft and serious. "It was my fault." She turned to look at Rin with a sad smile. "It was my fault that my father raped me." Rin's eyes widened and she shook her head, giving her a confused look and was about to open her mouth when Kagome spoke first. "I remember the exact moment when my father was taking off my pants and underwear, the very moment when he was too sloppy in trying to get himself out of his pants. I could've run. I even thought about it," she whispered. "It crossed my mind. But I couldn't do it." Her confession was too much to say out loud.
"Listen to me," Rin said, her voice commanding and firm. She reached out and placed a hand on Kagome's arm, giving her a firm squeeze to get her attention. "None of it was your fault." She watched as tears fell down Kagome's eyes, but she was stoically facing and looking at the stars. "None of it was your fault. You were a child. You didn't know any better." Rin started to see that Kagome not only struggled with feeling unlovable but she also struggled with shame because she felt like the rapes were her fault.
"And what about the other times?" Kagome asked her, now getting angry, making Rin release her hold on her arm. "My father always raped me when he was drunk. I could've run any of those times. Even as I grew older and I knew better. I should've run, but I didn't! I just... let him do that to me."
"No, you couldn't run. You know why?" she asked, waiting for Kagome to answer, but she didn't. "Because you loved your father. And all you wanted was for him to love you back. And the rape was the only way that you got your father to love you."
Kagome felt tears come to her eyes and she bit her lip to keep herself from crying. She knew Rin spoke the truth but she hated herself too much to believe Rin. And it wasn't just that. She hated herself and was so ashamed of what she did. "My ex raped me too."
Rin nodded, remembering Kagome had briefly mentioned it, but hadn't gone into details. She wasn't going to push the subject after the day that they had and wanted to talk about that issue later, but Rin could tell that Kagome needed to get this out now. It was causing her too much shame and pain for her to keep in, and Rin needed to know what it was in order to help Kagome.
"My ex was a demon." She thought about her words wisely, not wanting to give Koga's identity away, or give away the fact that she was married. "He had a mate of his own. They were mated for a hundred years with two sons of their own."
Kagome stood up taller, bringing her hands down to lay flat against the stone. She looked down at the flowers, thinking about the sex she had with Koga. "If you knew what a I did with my ex, even you would be disgusted by me."
"No... I wouldn't because it was rape," Rin said, her voice holding authority.
Kagome looked at her for a second, judging for herself whether or not Rin could be trusted to hold her word. She didn't want to tell Rin her deepest shame and then the woman would look at her differently from here on out. When Rin didn't flinch or back down, Kagome looked back out at the garden below, reliving those memories. "My ex was... a very possessive and territorial demon. When he figured out that I didn't want to be with him, he only made my life a living hell, just to prove that I could never leave him and that I needed to submit to him eventually." She closed her eyes, feeling the deep shame. "The things he did to me, Rin..." she whispered, unable to say them.
Rin frowned and grabbed Kagome, bringing Kagome into her arms. She rubbed Kagome's back, offering her comfort, and said nothing. She was already blurring the lines between personal and professional, but Kagome was family, and she wanted Kagome to know that she supported her no matter what. Kagome brought her hands around and up to her shoulders, hugging her back.
"He was... violent during sex. Possessive in the very least. Dominating, maybe. Brutal and sadistic is more like it." Kagome moved back out of Rin's arms, needing a little space, but smiling at the woman, thanking her for the comfort. She took a few steps away from Rin, needing some space if she was going to get this out. "He would tie my hands and feet to the corners of the bed so that I couldn't move and would have his way with me. Sometimes he would draw blood on my breasts, my abdomen, my thighs and... my sex." Her mouth was dry and she swallowed hard, feeling a lump in her throat. "I fought him, every single time. That was why he tied me up so that he didn't have to hurt me."
Rin wondered why this young woman had such horrible experiences in her young life. 'No one deserves this.' She inwardly cried for Kagome.
Kagome stayed quiet, remembering Koga's weight on her as he drove himself into her. And the horrible, shameful feeling started in the pit of her stomach. Somewhere she felt tears falling down her face, but she was numb with shame that she barely felt it. "I liked it."
Rin thought she didn't hear Kagome right because her voice was so small and whispered. "What?"
"I liked it," she said, staring at nothing. "I actually came... every time we had sex." Kagome chuckled, feeling like she was losing her mind. "How sick is that?" She brought her head down, placing her forehead on the back of her arms against the balustrade. "I'm so ashamed..." she whispered, tears falling down her face and staining the stone.
"Kagome... there's nothing to be ashamed about," Rin defended, standing taller. She decided to let Kagome have her space and stayed where she was but her voice was firm. "It's natural for the body to respond this way. Some rape victims, both men and women, can experience some form of arousal and/or orgasm. It does happen."
Kagome gave a short, mirthless laugh. "It's disgusting..." she said harshly, wiping her tears in anger as she brought her head up, turning to look at Rin. "It's almost like I wanted to be raped! Like I enjoyed it!" She was trying to contain herself before anyone heard them, but she was so full of anger and shame at herself that she just wanted to scream.
Rin closed the distance between them and spun Kagome to face her, grabbing both arms with her hands. "Kagome, listen to me. I have had many patients in all my years of practicing who have been raped, and I know for a fact that you are not the only one who has experienced a state of sexual pleasure during a rape." She could see in Kagome's eyes that she was starting to listen to her so she continued. "There isn't a lot of science in why or how this happens, but rape and arousal or even rape and climax can happen at the same time. Whoever said that a rape victim can't experience sexual arousal is lying and has no evidence to support their claim. Pregnancy can also happen during rape. It used to be believed that a woman couldn't get pregnant after a rape, but time and time again that claim has been proven false."
"The body responds to sex, Kagome, the same way the body responds to fear or pain. It's a natural, physical response. Sexual arousal is just a physical response, with or without your intention or desire. But it does happen. Think about it like tickling. Tickling can be pleasurable when you want it to be, but when the person doesn't stop and they're doing it against your will, it can become painful, but you still laugh even though it hurts and is against your will. That's a natural, physical response of the body. It's the same way for sex and rape."
Kagome blinked slowly, hearing Rin's words and understanding what she was saying. "So... I didn't enjoy it."
Rin cocked her head to get Kagome to look at her and take her seriously. "Did you enjoy it?" she straight out asked. Kagome immediately shook her head. "Then, no, you didn't enjoy it. There is nothing shameful about getting aroused or having an orgasm during a rape. Just because you had an orgasm doesn't mean that you enjoyed it."
Kagome gulped, turning so that Rin let go of her arms. She rested her palms on the balustrade, feeling the cool stone against her sweaty palms. 'I didn't enjoy it.' That was the biggest shame that she carried with her for so long. "It happened... with my father too." Rin took a deep breath and turned to place her hands on the balustrade as well, staring up at the stars in frustration. She shook her head in disgust, tears coming to her eyes. "When I started my period at fifteen, I started to have orgasms and I got turned on every time he... got me ready..."
Kagome stopped, running her nails up and down her arm, feeling like her skin was crawling. She felt dirty. "I'm going back to my room. I need a shower," she said softly, turning around.
Rin reached out quickly to grab Kagome's hand. "Kagome..." The girl turned to look at her, her beautiful blue eyes now dull and lifeless. Opening the doors had been too much, too fast, for her. Rin cursed inwardly. "I want you to come to me if you need me. For anything. My door is open if you wake up throughout the night and need to talk." Because she knew that Kagome wouldn't sleep well. She waited to see if Kagome would respond but she didn't. "Tomorrow morning, I want us to talk again. I think we need to discuss this feeling of shame you feel because like I said, you shouldn't feel ashamed of yourself."
Kagome couldn't even muster up a smile at Rin's thoughtfulness. Her mind was numb and she was tired. She looked at Rin, defeated. "You should tell him."
Rin blinked, releasing her hand in confusion. "Tell who?"
"Inuyasha." Kagome turned her head to look back at the house. "I know I told you I didn't want him to know. But I think it's best if he does. He deserves the truth. If he knows the whole truth, he can either love me or hate me, but at least he would know how messed up I am."
"Kagome!"
She walked away before Rin could continue. She didn't want to hear it anymore. Even though Rin was only trying to help, which she did, she was also too kind. Kagome could deal with anger, she could deal with abuse and pain because that was all she's ever known. But what she couldn't deal with was kindness and love. She didn't know how to take it or how to respond when someone showed her that much kindness. She wasn't used to that, and it was irritating her that someone could be so kind and loving when the ugliness of her past was laid out to see. She didn't understand why people cared about her. No one ever did, so why now? Kagome kept her head up and wiped her face, trying her best to look presentable as she would have to tell everyone that she wasn't feeling well and just needed to get some sleep. She would apologize for turning in so soon but she was tired, and then hurry upstairs to take a bath so that she could scrub the memories off her skin.
Drop a review and LMK what you thought. It's going to be a long 3 days for Kags at the Fujimoto's estate. Buckle up
