The cravings had started. Safeway pot stickers, cantaloupe and coffee ice cream and hot sauce. The combo made his stomach turn, but if that's what his wife required he'd push down his upchuck reflex. He perused the shelves of the grocery store, the offending food stuffs in the cart.
Walking through the greeting card and magazine aisle, he picked up a princess book for Lizzie. It was pink and there was glitter. A pink glittery princess book. He smirked at the irony. This morning she had crawled into his lap on the couch as he drank his orange juice and snuggled into his chest. Her black hair always smelled like that fresh baby smell. It had never gone away. His heart turned over again. She was his whole world.
She had handed him a different princess book. "Read to me daddy." She was a world class manipulator already. Just a few bats of her long dark eyelashes and he was mush.
"Once upon a time," he started. He kissed her raven, baby-scented head.
This wasn't what he had ever wanted. He still felt wildly inadequate. And now that feeling was doubled thanks to little "whatsit". And yet, he'd drop everything for that tiny female lookalike. His business, his heart, his pride. Hell, he'd obviously already lost it, holding a pink sparkly princess book in his hand in front of his fellow Safeway patrons.
Who had he become? "I'll tell you," he whispered under his breath. A better father than his ever was. A wave of anger flowed over him against his will. The scene played in his mind when he'd left the beach at eighteen after a disastrous three days. Jimmy declaring, again, that he wasn't cut out to be his father.
"It's me," Jimmy had said. "I told you when you got here. This isn't going to work Jess."
"I don't know what I was expecting. You're no good Jimmy. You're nothing to me."
"I know."
"You know what? You could be a father. You could be one of the good ones. You decided you could with that freaky girl who hides in the closet. But you're too chicken-shit to say it. It's me. It's me, not you. You don't want to be a father to me. Well to hell with you. I don't need you."
Jimmy had said nothing. That was the part that cut him. He would have felt better if he'd reacted. Pushed him, screamed at him. But his silence said it all. Everything Jess said was true. It was him. He was un-loveable.
Until Luke.
He put the book in the cart, grabbed a bottle of wine and headed to the checkout line.
"Cute," said the clerk, holding up Lizzie's present. "How old?"
"Five," he said, stacking more food on the conveyer belt.
"Mine's six. You never knew you could love something that much huh?"
Jess smirked. This was the sort of conversation he would have rolled his eyes at. He just gave her a little smile. He paid, grabbed the bags and headed out the front door.
"Watch it," said a girl, her shoulder slamming into his.
"You watch it," he said, catching the bags. Her arm caught in one of the loops, and she pulled breaking the bag. The cantaloupe started to roll down the wet dark parking lot.
"Nice," he said, going to stop it. But they were still tangled.
"Oh my god," she said. "It's you."
"Excuse me? Let go of my bag Harpo. I'm done with the Marx brothers routine."
"God you even sound like him."
"What?"
He stopped then and looked up at her. She looked mid-twenties, blonde hair, glasses. Dark liner around her eyes underneath the lenses. He'd never seen her before in his life.
"You probably don't remember me. I don't remember you. But I hear about you enough. And then there's your picture he always carries around."
"Who the hell are you? I don't know you."
"No, you wouldn't, but we've met once. I'm Lily."
"Who?"
"Lily. Your step sister? Jimmy's daughter. Well, stepdaughter."
Jess's mouth dropped open.
"Lil's, what the hell did you do?" came a voice from the parking lot getting closer.
It sounded familiar. A voice he heard in his dreams and waking night mares. Jess bit his lip, closing his eyes, his head shaking. Why? Why now.
"Here, my daughter's a huge klutz. Sorry about that," said Jimmy. Jess opened his eyes as Jimmy handed him the damaged cantaloupe. He watched as the expression on his biological father's face went from annoyed amusement to shock to horror and finally on some softness that didn't fit him. Jess's stomach turned.
He looked the same, though the lines around his eyes were deeper, all his hair was gray, and his jowls drooped a little. His jaw was still square though. He'd always been rough around the edges, but he was tired now. He looked completely worn out.
"Jess."
"Jimmy."
"God, I can't believe this. Running into you like this."
"It's a damn miracle." Jess's tone was filled with bile.
Jimmy paused. Lily looked back and forth between them. "He came here to see you. Look dad, we found him. Now we don't have to go to that open house tomorrow."
"My open house?" asked Jess. Truncheon was holding a day-long event the next day. Speakers, some of his authors, writing workshops. Gillian did most of the work. There was no better collaborator than her. She replaced all three of his former business partners and better without breaking a sweat.
Jimmy nodded.
"Well now you've seen me. Don't bother coming." Jess grabbed the cantaloupe from Jimmy and picked up the now soaked and dirty princess book. He threw both in the trash and headed for his car.
"Jess, wait!" called Jimmy running after him.
Jess got to his car, fumbling with the items in his arms. He struggled to get the key out of his pocket. There was nothing on his mind but "Run".
Down went a can of green beans.
"Let me help you," said Jimmy. His father took some of the items from his arms as rain drops started to fall on his forehead.
"I don't need your help!" shouted Jess, as the stubborn door finally opened. "I needed your help once, just once and you turned me down. I won't be a sucker again."
Jess grabbed the rest of his groceries, slid into his seat and slammed the door. He started the engine and peeled out of the parking lot.
The rearview mirror window was fogged, but he could still see Jimmy standing in the rain, staring straight at him.
His head was swimming, the horrible, unexpected meeting completely throwing him off. How dare that bastard do this. How dare he ever show his face again. Jess's soul was a swirling vortex of entropy. Every moment when he'd ever felt unloved pushed its way to the surface of his mind. His mother, every stepfather and wannabe stepfather, Jimmy. Rory. Fuck them all.
Which way was home? He realized he'd been driving around downtown Philadelphia for twenty minutes, and it would be another twenty before he got home now, around nine o'clock. There went Gillian's ice cream.
When he finally pulled into the drive, his mind was completely black. He opened the door, slamming it behind him.
"Jess?"
He couldn't even hear her. He dropped the items on the counter and started opening drawers, looking for a bottle opener banging through the utensils.
"What's wrong?" asked Gillian. He felt her hand on his shoulder. Thoughts of how much he wanted that touch from Jimmy made him hate himself, and he shrugged Gillian off violently.
He went to the fridge and grabbed a beer from the door. Popping the top, he downed it, the fizz burning painfully down his throat just how he wanted it to. He threw the bottle in the recycling and opened another.
He felt it being wrenched from his hand as he was lifting it.
"What the fuck is the matter with you?" asked Gillian.
His eyes focused on her face lit with concern. Those green watery eyes that cut through his bullshit every time. But he couldn't tell her. He didn't have the words. Words eluded him, and in his profession, it was completely disturbing.
"I'm going to bed," he said instead.
He felt her eyes bore into the back of his head as he marched upstairs.
