Nick stared at the computer screen and watched his best friend suffering in the glass coffin. He hadn't moved or said anything since they had first gotten the feed. His face was white as a ghost and he didn't try to control the shaking of his hands anymore. This is all my fault. Why did I make him go 2 out of 3? He flinched away when Catherine put her hand on his shoulder. He turned around and faced her, and when he saw the look in her eyes he broke down. He fell to his knees and let the tears fall. Catherine kneeled next to him and hugged him tightly. "It's okay Nicky." she cooed. "It's not your fault, we're gonna get him outta there."
"Yes it is. I should have taken it...if he doesn't make it..."
"We know where he is!" Greg came running into the A/V lab. Nick and Catherine quickly stood up and followed Greg out to the Denali's. Nick jumped in with Grissom. Nick hadn't even shut the door before Grissom tore out of the parking lot and down the road. They were going a dangerous amount over the speed limit, but pretty much every cop in Vegas was either following them, or meeting them there, so it didn't matter. All that mattered was getting Warrick. Grissom didn't even pull to a complete stop before Nick was out of the car. Grissom quickly followed, running up to the owner of the nursery. Teams of cops, cadets, and CSIs split up and began searching everywhere. Nick was beginning to get frusterated and started to panic, then he heard Catherine.
"I found him! This is it!" Nick sprinted towards Catherine's voice and dropped to his knees next to her. Someone handed him a shovel and he started digging. It felt like an eternity before he heard the thud from his shovel hitting the plexiglass cover. He dropped to his knees again and frantically started brushing the dirt away with his hands. When it was all clear, he looked down in horror. Warrick was holding the gun under his chin, his finger tightening on the trigger.
"No Warrick! Put that down! We got you, it's okay."
Warrick just shook his head and yelled back. "No it's no Nick. How could you let me down? This is all your fault." Warrick pulled the trigger and Nick screamed.
Everything was black. Nick could faintly hear someone yelling his name. He felt a firm hand on his shoulder, and the yelling got louder.
"Nicky wake up! It's just a dream, you can wake up!" Warrick yelled, shaking Nick's shoulder as hard as he could without dislocating it. Nick's eyes snapped open and focused on Warrick. His eyes darted around the room, and he realized he was in his bedroom. The images from his nightmare came rushing back, and he suddenly felt sick to his stomach. He got up and ran to the bathroom, falling to his knees right before he threw up. Warrick followed, and when he saw Nick get sick he wet a face cloth with cold water. Nick leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes. Warrick put the cold cloth on his pale, sweating forehead and sat down next to him. He cupped the back of Nick's neck and rubbed it gently, getting Nick to calm down so he could get his breathing under control. His whole body was shaking and Nick could hear his own heart painfully beating against his ribs. "Same dream?" Warrick asked, putting the face cloth on the back of Nick's neck. Nick shook his head and looked at Warrick. Tears filled his eyes and he hugged his knees to his chest and let his head rest on them. He felt Warrick soothingly rubbing his back, but he couldn't stop replaying the nightmare in his head.
"It was all my fault." Nick said so quietly Warrick had to strain to hear him.
"No it wasn't Nicky. You can't keep blaming yourself."
"But you said it was!" Nick said, looked up at Warrick.
Warrick stared at Nick, his face showing obvious confusion. "When?"
"When you were..." Nick's voice trailed off. He knew it was just a horrible dream...but it had felt so real.
"Come on, talk to me bro. Tell me what you had a nightmare about. Let me help you."
Nick closed his eyes again. "It was you...you were in the coffin, not me. I made you go 2 out of 3 and you lost, so it was you, not me. Then we found you, and when I got all the dirt off you had the gun like I did...and I told you not to do it but you said..." Nick's voice cracked with a sob. He took a deep breath and continued. "You said I let you down and it was all my fault...then you pulled it and I saw you die right in front of me..."
Warrick pulled Nick into a hug, slightly rocking him back and forth. "It was just a dream. I would never ever say that to you. I wish it had been me in there instead of you. This is not your fault, and you have never let me down, okay?" Nick shook his head against Warrick's shoulder.
"Ya know...sometimes I think it would be better for everyone if Amy Hendler had just pulled the fucking trigger and got it over with."
Warrick's heart sunk. "How would that make things any better?"
"Too many people have gotten hurt because of me...that psychic guy, Crane, Gordon, that couple...it would have saved a lot of people a lot of trouble."
"You're wrong Nicky. If she had, I would never have made it this far without you. I'd probably be living on the damn streets begging for money so I could gamble. You've helped me through so much, you don't even know. All those people getting hurt...it wasn't your fault. You gotta understand that bro."
"The little kids were..." Nick whispered before he even realized it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Warrick pulled away from Nick and looked him in the eyes. He could see all the pain right there. "What little kids?" Nick looked down at the floor. "Hey...Nicky...you can tell me anything bro."
More tears were falling from Nick's eyes now. "When I w-was 9...the b-babysitter...s-she...I must have done s-something wrong..."
Warrick's breath caught in his throat and he felt like he just got punched in the stomach. 'Please don't say what I think you're gonna say...'
"She t-told me I had been b-bad...she was s-stronger than me...she t-took my clothes off...I d-don't remember much...other than it h-hurt like hell..." Nick turned back to the toilet and threw up again. He fell back on the floor and started shaking from uncontrolable sobs.
Warrick felt so helpless. He couldn't believe what Nick had just told him...he was frozen in shock. Nick's broken voice and what he was saying snapped him out of it.
"I never t-told anyone. B-but a few kids at s-school had bruises just like I d-did and s-sat in the corner all day. It was my fault...I didn't t-tell anyone and s-she got away with it." Nick sat up again and looked at Warrick. "I've never told anyone except Catherine...and that was because she was gonna kick me off a c-case."
Warrick put his hand on the back of Nick's neck and squeezed firmly. "Nicky...listen to me. You were just a little kid...it wasn't your fault. You were 9 years old. You didn't do a damn thing wrong...it's not your fault."
Nick choked back another sob and wiped his eyes. "Pretty pathetic huh."
"What is?"
"Me. I need someone to wake me up cuz I have nightmares like a little kid and I'm crying over something that happened almost 30 years ago."
"You're not pathetic Nick. Pathetic only describes all the people who have ever hurt you. If you were pathetic, you would never have made it through everything you have. You're an amazing person Nick, don't let anyone make you think any different." Warrick put his hand on Nick's left arm. When Nick flinched away, Warrick felt his thumb brush over slightly raised skin. 'Oh God...no...' Nick's eyes dropped to the floor and he held his left arm tightly against his chest. "Nicky...let me see your arm." Nick didn't move. He was desperatly trying to fight back to the tears, but it was a losing battle. "Nick, look at me." Nick's eyes met Warrick's. He could see how worried he was. "Let me see your arm." Nick reluctantly stretched out his left arm and Warrick looked down at his wrist. There was a faint scar running horizontally across Nick's wrist. At the ends it looked frayed, like the end of a rope, and Warrick realized one cut must have been reopened at least a dozen times. He ran his thumb over it and looked back up at Nick. "How did I not see this before?"
"Everytime it was obvious like this I wore a long sleeved shirt. Otherwise you can barely see it unless you're looking for it, some scar cream or something...works really good..." Nick let out a dry laugh.
Warrick just didn't understand. Nick wasn't suicidal. Why would he do this to himself? "I don't understand...why?"
"My best friend in high school, his brother killed himself when we were Sophomore's. He started doing it cuz he was depressed, and he said it took the edge off. I'd get stressed out a lot with school and sports and my house was always so hectic...and it worked. Then..." Nick looked back down at the floor. "The summer before we were supposed to leave for college, I went to his house to pick him up to go to the movies or something...and when I went into his room...he was lying there...dead...that was my fault too." Warrick didn't know what to say. Nick had dropped 2 bombs on him within 5 minutes. Nick took a deep breath and kept going. "I stopped doing it when I got to college though. I was too scared too. Then when I became a CSI...it helped...made it easier. I know it sounds crazy, but it works. I don't have a deathwish..." Nick looked up at Warrick, who's eyes were also filled with tears.
"When's the last time you..." Warrick couldn't even finish the sentence. He was still is disbelief his best friend would do this.
"A few weeks ago. After that case with the starving kids...I know I wasn't on it, but I heard about it. Cases with kids getting hurt are the worst."
"You have to stop. If you accidently...you could..." Warrick's voice broke with a sob. Nick tightly closed his eyes and wished this was all another nightmare. "Nicky, promise me you'll stop. I'll help you...you don't have to cope like this. Please promise me."
Nick opened his eyes. He knew for a long time he should stop, that he could seriously injure himself...but sometimes, he didn't care. Seeing how much this was hurting Warrick was enough to make him realize he had to stop. "I promise." He whispered. Warrick pulled Nick against him. "I'm sorry." Nick said against Warrick's shoulder.
"It's okay...everything's gonna be okay bro. Just stay strong...you can do this buddy." Warrick was in shock at how much Nick has been through. He was mad at himself for not noticing sooner.
"Giving up would be so much easier..."
"I don't care how easy it would be. Maybe for you, but not for me. When I give up, you can. But here's a hint, I'm never giving up Nicky. Never."
I know, I know. Emo Nick seems a little far fetched, but I thought the same thing when he told Catherine about the babysitter in 'Overload', and my brother gave me the idea for this so I decided to try it. I was trying to show how much Nick has been through and how strong he is, and how much Nick and Warrick care about each other.
