A/N: This is going to be a series, I suppose. I'm not very impressed with what I have going up, but this is just an apology for being gone/late for so long. College has been draining me of everything, so it feels good to write again. Especially because I'm going to just
Shane Walsh
FEARLESSNESS
Fearlessness is about being brave, bold, whatever it takes to do the right thing, and while Shane Walsh might not be your hero, your knight in shining armor, or your ideal Prince Charming, he does the best that he can do in any given situation-(all he knows how to do)-fight back. He does his damndest to protect those he cares for most. He'll never forget that moment when he saw his best friend, Rick-fall to gunfire-he knew he had to protect him as best he could.
He keeps him in the hospital, he visits him as much as he damned well can, comforts his grieving wife and child, even knowing that there might be a chance that he might never wake up-and then that nightmarish day came, the day which warped all of them forever, and changed everything, those horrid biters arrived. The day he still has fucking nightmares over-the day those soldiers came and started shooting everyone dead, whether they be doctor or nurse, it didn't matter-riddle them full of holes like Swiss cheese. It is a day he recalls through flashbacks and nightmares, how nightmarish it was to see his innocence be tarnished forever. How much seeing those people dying in front of him makes him wake up at night, clutching the sheets, his fingers clenched and his face pale with sweat, their faces will forever haunt him and those military people walking in and nearly killing him, too, how it felt to walk out of that hospital feeling like the only man left alive.
He still recalls trying to lift up Rick and finding that he cannot-and having to desperately come to a choice: does he leave his best friend there to die, for walkers to consume him and munch on him, or do we leave him here in the hopes that he will someday wake up and come back-part of him wishes that his friend would die, so that he doesn't have to see the utter hellhole this world has become, but the other part wishes that Rick would just wake up, dammit, and then the world can be like it used to be.
This whole zombie thing will have been nothing but a bad dream, the two of them can go out to burger joints and eat real food again-he can complain about Lori and they can take down suspects again, while picking Carl up from school, he can return home and talk on the goddamned phone to his friends and relatives while watching the television like he used to, surfing the internet and texting. All things he wishes he could fucking do again. God, he misses all of that bullshit. As irrelevant, stupid, and pointless as it all was, it served a purpose.
But that's right-there is no normal anymore. There are no more friends, or relatives, no more Christmas parties, Thanksgiving dinners, or even pointless trips to the doctor or dentist, eating out at restaurants, church trips, or family. There's no nothing. In these quiet moments, he realizes just how dull it is to be sitting out here, running, hiding, running and hiding again. He just wishes things would have stayed the goddamned same as they used to be. He longs for a day where he doesn't have to look at ugly monsters chomping on people and eating them whole.
He's not a kind-hearted guy, he wishes he was just a good cop, doing the right thing, but what even is the right thing anymore? You either shoot this nasty son of a bitch dead or else he will consume whole families, rip kids to pieces, eat others whole.
Surviving is what he's always done best.
He debates telling Lori about Rick being alive, but then decides against it, because that damned place is overrun with walkers and if they go there, they could die and he would lose both of them at the same time. Rick would never forgive him-and he would never forgive himself for losing Lori, either.
He has fallen in love with Lori-so he consummates a relationship with her and as forbidden as it feels, he loves it, dammit, because as far as he knows, Rick is dead and he just hopes and prays that Rick will never wake up to see what this world has become, nor what he has become. But he comes back and Lori loses interest in him and his heart is moved into darkness.
Still, he has an unwavering sense of justice, a sense that he and he alone knows what's right, that he has seen all this darkness alone, all this bullshit. He wonders why the others still cling to fake ideals like hope and justice and peace. It's not gonna happen, it's not gonna be that way anymore. Everything's gone. All their friends, family, there's nothing left now but disgusting, gross monsters biting people and killing them. There's no real damned point to this anymore, just mindless killing and trying to stay alive. It's enough to drive one insane.
It's no wonder it's come to this, he thinks, as he leads Rick away from the group, up that hill.
"Yeah, just do it, Rick, I'm a better man than you are, I'm a better father than you are." He taunts.
He doesn't expect to be stabbed.
It was one hell of a waste of a life, anyway. He said everything he needed to say. But at the same time, a sense of regret overcomes him and the words he wishes to say: I'm sorry, Rick, die on his lips and die with him.
