CHAPTER NINETEEN
(chapter title – I Die Without You)
"What is there to say about someone you've loved all your life?" Mark asked the congregation two months later. He couldn't look at the picture sitting on the coffin without crying.
"Roger is – was – a good person, even though we did have our share of disagreements, but that didn't make me love him even less." Mark let out a small sob. "Right before he died, he told me to never forget him and to help take care of our daughter…" Mark's voice cracked – he couldn't do this. Shaking his head, he sat down next to Sara and held her close. She wrapped her arms around his neck and cried into his shoulder.
"Next, we'll hear from Sara Cohen-Davis and Peter Baxley." The minister announced, standing up and sitting back down again. Sara brushed her hair behind her ear and stood up, avoiding Peter's gaze. She couldn't face him.
"I wrote this song for my dad while he was in the hospital. It's called Without You and I hope everyone enjoys it." Sara told the congregation, strumming her guitar.
"Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom,
The children play. The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.
Without you, the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves.
Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.
The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you.
The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you." Sara sang.
"The world revives." Peter joined in.
"Colors renew." Sara crooned.
"But I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue." The two of them sang.
"Without you. Without you the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats." Sara sang. She felt tears in her eyes, but she didn't care. She had cried her eyes out writing the song for her Dad.
"Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe.
The mind churns!" Peter belted out. He and Sara were taking choir together in school and he had an awesome voice.
"The mind churns!" Sara echoed, tears streaming down her cheeks.
"The heart yearns!" Peter sang.
"The heart yearns!" Sara echoed back.
"The tears dry, without you.
Life goes on, but I'm gone.
'Cause I die, without you." Both of them sang.
"Without you." Sara crooned.
"Without you." Peter crooned back.
"Without you." Both of them sang.
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At the luncheon following the service, Mark and Sara talked with various members of Roger's family. Mark had told Sara she could invite her friends, but all of them were away for Spring Break. Peter was the only one who didn't have any plans, so he decided to come to the service.
"Hey Sara." Scott greeted her sadly. Sara walked over to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. He hugged her back and looked over at the pictures of Roger. Sara, along with Leslie, Anne and Jim's help, put pictures together of Roger.
"He would've liked this." Scott told Sara. She nodded and looked at the picture in the middle of the poster board – it was one of her and Roger at a fair when she was about four. She was on Roger's shoulders, holding a giant stuffed bear.
"I remember that picture." Scott said.
"You couldn't go because you were sick." Sara sadly smiled up at Scott.
"I was so mad." Scott chimed in. His expression then turned serious.
"Scott, everything okay?" Sara asked.
"Sara, could we talk, privately?" Scott inquired. Sara nodded and let Scott lead her to a quiet room just off the church.
"What's up?" Sara asked, sitting down upon a chair.
"I know that I haven't been very nice to you recently and I want to make up."
"We did. At Uncle Collins' funeral, remember?"
"Well, we really didn't make up. At least I didn't."
"Scott, what the hell are you talking about?"
"Sara, I just want to apologize about the death threats. I was jealous about you getting all the attention because you have HIV."
"Why are you telling me this now?"
"Because – how do I say this – I really like you – as a friend. I know you have a boyfriend and I have a girlfriend."
"Scott – where is this going?"
"I just want to let you know I'm sorry for everything I've done. I mean it this time."
"How do I know I can trust you?"
"We're basically family, Sar."
"I know. And how many times did I tell you not to call me Sar?" Sara asked, standing up and walking out of the room where she and Scott were. They'd been gone for fifteen minutes – surely someone would worry where they were.
"So, you're a freshman now, huh?" Scott inquired, changing the subject.
"Yeah – I'm enjoying it." Sara told him.
"That's cool." Scott commented as he and Sara walked back to the banquet hall.
"There you two are!" Maureen hissed, pulling Sara into the room. Sara looked around – Mark was standing on the small stage, Coke can in his hand.
"What's going on Aunt Maureen?" Sara asked, sneaking in between Joanne and Maureen.
"Your Daddy's proposing a toast." Joanne informed her, whispering.
"….Here's to Roger Samuel Cohen-Davis – the best friend, lover and father I've ever known." Mark raised his glass to the heavens, motioning for everyone else to do the same.
"To Roger." Everyone chorused. Mark smiled slightly and stepped off the stage. Spotting Sara, he walked over to her and pulled her into a hug.
"I'm here Daddy. It's okay." Sara soothed him, tears running down her cheeks.
"I know, sweetie. I just miss him so much." Mark told her, putting an arm around her shoulders and guided her onto the stage. Her beloved guitar was resting on a guitar rack not too far away. Sara put the strap over her shoulder and turned so that she was facing the audience.
"Hi everyone. I'm Sara Elizabeth Cohen-Davis and I'm gonna sing a song my Dad used to sing to me when I was a baby. It's called Edelweiss. Dad told me it meant 'tiny flower'. His nickname for me growing up was-" Sara felt her eyes start to tear up "was Edelweiss. So without further ado, here's Edelweiss. Hope you enjoy it." Sara took a deep breath, strummed her guitar and started to sing. Even though it pained her to sing the song, she had do to it – for her Dad and for her Daddy – the two men she cared about more than anything.
"Edelweiss, edelweiss, every morning you greet me
Small and white,
Clean and bright,
You look happy to meet me
Blossom of snow
May you bloom and grow,
Bloom and grow forever
Edelweiss, edelweiss, bless my home-land forever" As Sara finished the song, she looked up at the ceiling and went to sit at a vacant table while the audience applauded loudly. Sara put her arms on the table and put her head on them, silently crying. She felt someone sit down next to her and rub her back – she knew it was Mark without looking up.
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Three hours later, Mark and Sara arrived at the brownstone house. Sara blinked both tears and sleep from her eyes as Mark pulled into the driveway.
"Sweetie, is everything okay?" Mark asked, putting the car in park and turning off the ignition. Sara nodded and blinked the tears out of her eyes.
"It's okay to be sad." Mark told her, reaching over and hugging her.
"I can't believe he's gone." Sara choked out in between sobs.
"I know, honey, I know." Mark comforted her, unbuckling his seat belt and opened the door as Sara did the same.
"Do you want to watch a reel of your Dad or something?" Mark asked as soon as he and Sara were in the house.
"No thanks, Daddy. I'm tired – maybe tomorrow."
"Okay honey. I love you."
"Love you, too." Sara kissed his cheek and headed upstairs to her room and closed the door. As soon as she reached her bed, she flopped down upon it and cried until she couldn't cry any longer.
Once she was done crying, she dug out her faded yellow composition notebook and turned to an empty page.
An hour later, the blank page looked like this:
Sound the Bugle
By Sara Cohen-Davis
Sound the bugle now - play it just for me
As the seasons change - remember how I used to be
Now I can't go on - I can't even start
I've got nothing left - just an empty heart
I'm a soldier - wounded so I must give up the fight
There's nothing more for me - lead me away...
Or leave me lying here
Sound the bugle now - tell them I don't care
There's not a road I know - that leads to anywhere
Without a light feat that I will - stumble in the dark
Lay right down - decide not to go on
Then from on high - somewhere in the distance
There's a voice that calls - remember who your are
If you lose yourself - your courage soon will follow
So be strong tonight - remember who you are
Ya you're a soldier now - fighting in a battle
To be free once more -Ya that's worth fighting for
Sara smiled at her work, tore the page out from the book and folded it into four pieces. Tomorrow, when she and Mark went to visit Angel, Collins, Mimi and Roger's graves, she would be sure to put it on Roger's grave – it's what he would've wanted.
Sara then put on her pajamas and watched a funny movie on TV. She felt her eyelids grow heavy as she continued to watch the movie. Getting up off her chair, she put in a soothing CD, turned off the lights and fell asleep, hugging her stuffed unicorn close to her.
"I love you, Dad." Sara whispered, tears coming to her eyes. She then cried herself to sleep – keeping in mind that someday that she would see her Dad again.
A/N: don't own the lyrics to Without You, Edelweiss or Sound the Bugle. belongs to respected owners. 'nuff said.
