Final Fantasy VII Very Secret Livejournals

Chapter One- Aeris

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Final Fantasy VII belongs to Square Enix; the concept belongs jointly to Cassandra Claire and Arrmaitee, whom I am shamefully ripping off.

Author's Note: This is... not exactly a repost. A very, very long time ago, I posted a story with a very similar concept; however, this is, apart from the concept, completely different. I like to think it's much better. (If you read the old version and would like to respectfully disagree, I welcome and squee over all constructive criticism.) I would warn for rampant OOCness, but, well, it's a Very Secret Livejournal fic, and what do you expect?

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POST 1: Um, okay, the world just exploded, and ow. Bloody Shinra grunts! I hope you get karmically annihilated for knocking down an innocent flowergirl! I'm half-Cetra, you know! I have MAG 33!

Current Mood: disgruntled.

Comment: You all right?

-Cloud

Reply: Of course I'm not all right, I have dirt in my hair, and it's icky, and I didn't even catch their names so I can't call my lawyer about it and my dress, it's all dirty, and my flowers are everywhere, and I want compensation--

I mean, you look just like my old boyfriend! Have a lifetime discount on my flowers!

-Aeris

Comment: Um, thanks.

-Cloud

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POST 2: That spikeyhaired boyfriend lookalike from yesterday just nearly fell on top of me! What is he, cursed? If he is then I'm revoking his discount.

Or maybe it's just destiny! -squees-

Although he'd be way less creepy-looking if it were destiny. Also, would he really meet me for the first time when my hair and dress were all dirty, if it were destiny? I think not.

So he must be cursed. Which is kind of awful, and I really don't want to be around him if he is, and d'you think he'd take the hint if I moved to Costa Del Sol?

Current Mood: slightly terrified.

Comment: Ow.

-Cloud

Reply: I mean, I really like the idea of going to Costa Del Sol, I heard they have a great bar there, and at least it'd make sure that crazy cursed guys with creepy eyes ohfuck he's staring at me...

wibbles

-Aeris

Comment: I'm kind of in pain here...

-Cloud

Reply: BACK, you pervy boyfriend imitator! I have MAG 37! And a stick!

...however, I will grudgingly help you, because a Turk is standing right there and he's being menacing!

Comment: -menaces-

-Reno

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POST 3: Why is he getting so enthusiastic about this transvestism thing? It's a mission, not a sex game!

Oh. Fuck. This is the ex-boyfriend imitation thing again, isn't it? God, I bet he did research- this is creepy- any moment now he'll come out of the Honeybee Inn and carry me off someplace and kill me and I'll trust him completely because he looks exactly like my ex-boyfriend!

And he has a sword, and it's all very scary, and seriously what is with this transvestism business?

Current Mood: disturbed.

Comment: -strolls out of the inn, wearing makeup and carrying lingerie- What do you mean, enthusiastic?

-Cloud

Reply: Eep-- I mean, what is that?

Are you wearing makeup?

-Aeris

Comment: Maybe.

It's all for the good of the mission.

-preens subtly-

-Cloud

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POST 4: Fuck.

Current Mood: captured.

Comment: You're wearing a pink dress. And you hit people with sticks. And your limit breaks involve healing people. And you're the last survivor of a mythical race.

What did you expect- security?

-2389527 gamers

Reply: -breaks-

-Fourth Wall

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POST 5: There is a large brutal-looking cat thingy in my cage and this is not good for me, I am highly-strung, how the fuck is this morally justifiable, and it has claws and teeth, you are not getting the terrifyingness of its claws and teeth here, this is not good for me!

When I get out of here and my lawyer gets round to answering my calls, I am so suing the hell out of Shinra, but first I have to get out of here and it is looking at me, stop looking at me!

Current Mood: whatthefuckdoyouthink?

Comment: -stands there heroically-

-Cloud

Reply: Ooh! Cloud! Do something!

-Aeris

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POST 6: Finally reached Costa del Sol! I've decided that Cloud appears v. heroic in certain lights, and also I'm curious to see if the things they say are true. You know, about guys with an excess of sword.

Yuffie muttered something about how Tifa and I are just in denial, and so is Cloud if he thinks it's going to work out with anyone who has a vagina, but her head was obviously and completely clouded by seasickness and so I happily ignored everything she said!

Current Mood: complacent.

Comment: Well, all I can say is that if you break out of your predefined role of the damsel who suffers an early death and manage to ever consummate a dysfunctional relationship with Cloud that leads to a life of empty, unsatisfying sex and a lack of money because he's spending it all on pretty boys, don't blame me. 'Sides, I s'pose you'll always have the love of a minor villain.

Unless he dies too.

-Yuffie

Reply: Nobody is going to die!

Especially not me!

-Aeris

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POST 7: I haven't updated for ages! Well, anyway! -prays-

Current Mood: religious fundamentalist-y

Comment: -stabs-

-Sephiroth

Reply: -dies-

-Aeris

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POST 8: Being corporeally challenged is fantastic! I have legions of admiring fans! And people keep writing stories about me! And they all want me to fall in love with Cloud and live happily ever after- well, nearly all of them! My disembodied soul thrills at the sight!

And as for the nonbelievers, well, I shall just have to convert them!

Let's see... 'The rare resurrection materia lifted Aeris out of the water completely un-rotted and uneaten by various types of fish, thank you very much, and into her one true love's arms. "Oh, Cloud!" she sighed in a pure, non-orgasmic way as his rippling muscles wrapped themselves around her...'

Current Mood: excessively pleased with self. and, admittedly, dead.

Comment: Aeris? You're... still here?

And writing fiction comparable with many, many published novels, I see.

-Tifa

Reply: Ooh, Tifa! You should see it here! People keep saying you should get together with Cloud, which I thought was silly, because clearly Cloud and I were destined to be together! (I keep telling them so, but they keep restricting my posting access!)

I knew it all along! Destined!

Did I ever tell you about my funky cloud-shaped birthmark?

-Aeris

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POST 9: Eee, my latest seventeen Cloris fics have been posted! I shall be crowned the Fluff Queen of Fanfiction at this rate!

I hacked seventeen Cloti messageboards earlier! I still don't know why people like that pairing! Still, I'm sure they'll come round to my way of thinking now that their messageboards are down!

Ooh, there's another fic about me up! Am sure it must be Cloris- after all, who else could they pair me with?

Current Mood: dead, but gleefully so.

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Five minutes later...

POST 10: They think I'm doing what with Sephiroth?

Current Mood: appalled. and dead.

Comment: Eww. And ick. And eww.

-Yuffie

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POST 11: Gah! Cloud should be my invalid boyfriend! I should be the one nursing him back to full health! Oh, sure, discriminate against the dead girl, forget she even exists, why don't you, this is completely unfair, just because I'm dimensionally challenged I'm not allowed to take care of my darling Cloud! What happened to the eternal OTP, I ask?

Comment: Uh... aaa...?

-Cloud

Reply: Um, actually, Tifa can have you.

-Aeris

Comment: Aa... gurk...

-Cloud

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POST 12: OMGWTF! That bitch implicitly slept with Cloud! What about me? I used to paint her nails, and this is the thanks I get? I am so going to libellously edit her Wiki article, and see if I don't!

Ugh! I thought we were friends! And Cloud! How could you?

Current Mood: irately dead.

Comment: But you're dead! And, well, the game is only rated 11+. It's not really about the necrophilia.

-Tifa

Reply: Bitch. It is all about the necrophilia!

-Aeris

Comment: But I thought we were never going to give in to those persistent fandomers who keep labelling us as archnemeses despite our abiding friendship and femmeslashy subtext!

-Tifa

Reply: I hope you get pushed off a cliff.

Ooh, plotbunny!

-Aeris

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One hour later...

Post 13: Hah! I posted five Tifa deathfics under different pennames! Revenge! Glory! Reviews!

Current Mood: preeningly dead.

Comments: None.

Reply: Anyone want to praise me for my originality?

Comments: None.

Reply: I don't mind constructive criticism!

Comments: None.

Reply: Cloud?

Comments: None.

Reply: Yuffie?

Comments: None.

Reply: Cait Sith?

Comments: None.

Reply: Have you saved the world already?

Comments: None.

Reply: I don't mind that you didn't tell me!

Comments: None.

Reply: ...oh, fuck it, I'm going to go flame some CloTi fangirl.

END.

Author's Note: I'm planning to cover most, if not all, of the main and supporting cast of FFVII. Feel free to ask for cameos from minor characters, though they probably won't appear till the last chapter or two. Concrit, as mentioned above, is all good. Also: I'm aware that there are huge, horrible, gaping gaps in the plot here. That's mostly because I wanted to cover the events from the perspective of other characters, since Aeris isn't a key character in these events, and I didn't want each chapter to repeat the events of all the previous ones.

Also, I'm lazy. Sue me.