Disclaimer: The usual- I'm not JKR, only the plot is mine.
What if one day I wake up,
And I realise this whole life's been a colossal mistake?
1998
Fall
Her breath flutters like a dying moth, struggling and fighting.
Hermione jerks awake.
The alarm clock screams at her. She smacks it fiercely and it falls silent, cracking apart on the floor.
She gulps several deep calming breaths before the fire inside her tames. She feels her pulse slow and she leans back in relief.
This is how she has been waking up for the last week. She startles awake, her heart racing and her anger fuelled. Her alarm clock has shattered too many times. She picks up her wands and casts a repairing spell, putting it back together.
This is becoming a habit.
She pushes her feet in her fluffy orange slippers and cradles Crookshanks in her arms.
Anthony is already dressed and he's reading the Daily Prophet in the common room, his cup of coffee balancing on his knee.
"Morning," he says without looking up, but he smiles anyway.
"Morning," she says. "I'll just get dressed."
"Don't worry, we won't be late," he says, his eyes never leaving the paper.
She ducks back into her room and pulls on her uniforms with frightening speed. She cleans and washes quickly. She hates to keep people waiting.
"I'm ready," she fumbles with her bag, trying to fit all of her books into it.
He folds the paper carefully, slowly and lays it aside. "Let's go then."
"Yeah," she says breathlessly, and she walks out of the door he holds open for her.
She struggles with her hair, forcing it into a loose bun so it doesn't end up a burst around her head.
"Hey, Anthony!" Padma Patil calls. "Can I have just a moment?"
"Hermione, why don't you head down to the Hall first?" Anthony asks.
"Sure, not a problem," she smiles, her patented wide smile, accepting and generous, the one she has perfected from years being a prefect- the indulgent one.
"See you in a bit," he waves.
She hurries down the hall, pushing the straps of her bag further up and there's a rip. Her mouth gapes open and she curses silently. A weight is lifted from her shoulders as her books clatter onto the floor.
This is the fourth time this has happened this year, she thinks. Sighing, she crouches down. "Why does this always happen to me?" she grumbles aloud.
"If only you'd stop carrying the entire library in that small bag, then it'll probably stop happening so frequently."
Draco Malfoy smirks down at her, leaning against the wall, looking extremely gleeful at her predicament.
She scowls at him, waves her wand and the split seam binds itself back again. She dumps her books in and stands up.
"Unlike you, Malfoy, I actually study," she retorts.
His smirk never wavers. "Come on, Granger, you and I both know that I'm second in our year- and hell, I have barely half the books you have in that bag of yours," he patted his bag as demonstration. "Lighten up, Granger," he sneers. He pauses, grinning cruelly, then adds, "Then again, you can't afford to- I might best you then." The grin widens and her jaw clenches.
Her pulse grows uncommonly fast and all of a sudden it's hard to breathe.
Spots dance in her eyes and she feels herself swaying, the world spinning on its axis.
"Hey, Granger, something wrong?" he asks, frowning.
He catches her before she hits the floor and her vision clears.
"Get away from me, you idiot!" she snaps, and he jerks away, his face darkening in anger. The animal inside of her rears and snaps angrily. She blinks in confusion and the creature backs away.
Her heart rate falls and she feels guilty.
"No, wait," she gasps. "I don't know what came over me," she explains.
His eyes are hard as stone. "Save it, Granger, you just don't want people to know that the Head Girl lost her temper. Don't worry, I'll keep it a secret- after all we can't let people think Hermione Granger isn't perfect, can we?" His lips curl.
"Malfoy, no, you don't get it- I didn't mean it," she says, helplessly.
"Like I said," he rounds on her, spitting in her face. "Save it, Granger, for someone who gives a damn."
He walks away and leaves her staring down at herself- at the monster she was becoming.
Her chest contracts and her heart swells. There is no room left.
She chokes, fighting for breath, her entire body pitching forward with effort.
"Hermione? Hermione!" Ron shouts, grabbing her around the shoulders.
"I'm fine," she coughs out, her fists at her the notch between her throat and her chest, knotted tightly. "Just out of breath," she says, sending him an assuring smile. "I'll go lie down and I'll be alright after that."
"Be careful, I swear, with all that N.E.W.T.s revision you've been doing and the planning for Graduation, plus all your Head Girl duties, you may be overworked," he plants a kiss on her forehead. "Go get some rest."
"I'm probably not getting enough sleep," she says, trying to convince both Ron and herself.
He smiles. "Go on, I'll tell Harry you couldn't make the match, he won't mind."
It is the Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw match. Ron's carrying his broom on his way to meet Harry before the match starts. Hermione promised to make time for the match besides all her studying.
She waves brightly at him and makes a turn at the corner. Her smile fades and she leans heavily against the wall, drawing air into her throat desperately. She tilts her head back, begging the ceiling for help with wide eyes.
She feels someone coming round the corner and tries to pull herself together. She can't, her entire body isn't listening to her commands. Her arms won't move and her knees won't cooperate.
A loud wheezing erupts scratchily from her throat as she tries to ease her breathing.
"Are you alright?"
It's him.
"Fine," she says, and wipes at the beads of sweat on her forehead. "I'm- fine-" she forces the words out.
Draco Malfoy stares at her critically. "I don't think so," he disagrees.
"I'm perfectly fine," she says indignantly, and to prove her point, she shoots him a haughty look and walks away.
She tries to, at least. Her knees buckle under her and the congestion gets worse. She lurches forward, ending up in a half kneeling, half lying position on the floor, breathing heavily.
He goes to her, forming an arch over her, clamping hands at either side of her and lifting her easily.
Her body has gone limp and she can hardly see.
"Breathe, Granger, relax," he soothes. "Close your eyes and relax."
She struggles against him, the pain in her chest intensifying.
He pulls his wand and holds it to her throat. "Don't make me have to put you to sleep to calm you down," he threatens.
She stills and the wand leaves her throat.
"Good," he sounds satisfied. "I'm going to take you to the hospital wing, don't stop breathing, okay?"
She nods and the lights go out- well, at least in her head they did and the last thing she hears is a stream of swear words from him.
She breathes, her heart beats and the world is still.
The sunlight bathes the entire hospital wing with yellow coloured light.
"… it's just that nothing has been easy," she hears a voice say.
She forces her body to stay still and makes her eyes stay shut.
She recognizes that voice- it's him. Again.
"I don't mean a lot of things I do, you see," he sighs and he shifts. The chair creaks.
He thinks I'm asleep, Hermione realizes. And he's talking to me!
"Sometimes I don't really like myself," he mumbles. "Sometimes I think, oh Merlin, Draco Malfoy, you're a horrible person and it's no one else's fault but your own."
She resists the urge to sit up.
He laughs; an uncertain small laugh. "It's so insane, isn't it? That I need to say all these things so badly but I feel stupid saying it to no one, but I don't want anyone to hear it, so I'm telling you this, knowing you're asleep."
She can't help it anymore. She jerks up. "I'm not asleep," she blurts out.
He yelps, leaping up and knocking his chair over, a heated blush rising to his face. "Fuck!" he curses.
Her face heats up as well. "I'm sorry," she murmurs. "I just woke up and I didn't want to interrupt you…"
He looks furious. "Forget you heard anything alright?" he hisses.
He turns to go but she stops him. "Draco!" she calls.
He stops but he doesn't turn around, but she knows he's listening. She pauses before she speaks finally, her voice so soft he thought it might have been his imagination.
"You can talk to me," she pauses and against her better judgment, she adds quickly, so she doesn't have time to take it back. "And I forgive you," she whispers, her words falling onto him like soft feathers. She sighs and she closes her eyes. "But will you forgive me?"
His entire body stills and he rushes out the room.
She leans back against the bed, for the first time that month, she woke up without that monster inside her, because she had finally admitted that she was at fault, that she, like everyone else needed forgiveness.
Maybe forgiveness is what I need
Maybe it's time to put it all behind my head
Maybe I want to hold you and love you
Maybe we're all scared.
A/N: Please review (: Thanks
-Lissie
