Hey there to all my loyal readers. Well, if you've read my other fics before, you'll notice this is different right away, because I'm writing in first person, plus it's also angsty…I thought I needed a challenge. Please Read and Review. Most importantly, enjoy!
Disclaimer – Nope, nuthin. I don't own anything except the plot.
Late Night at the Rivercourt
Went on a limb for you,
Capsized when I turned twenty two.
Did
it burn as bad for you?
No bottle serves to soothe my wounds.
- The Get Up Kids, "Overdue"
By the looks of things, I wasn't the only one on the rivercourt tonight. I had been coming here over the past couple of weeks, when I needed time away from all the drama in my life; away from school, Brooke trying to cheer me up, and away from…him. But there he was, back turned to me, shooting hoops.
I suppose it was actually surprising that I hadn't seen him sooner, seeing as he must spend most of his time here. Lucas comes here too. I don't know what it is about this place; people come here to be comforted. Well, logically, it makes sense for him and Lucas, they can play basketball to calm themselves. But me? I couldn't shoot a hoop to save my life. Maybe it's the crystal clear water gently sparkling in the moonlight, maybe it's the fresh crisp air. Whatever it is, it works well enough for me to come back night after night.
Now that I think about it, I have seen him before. One night, I had glanced behind me at the sound of footsteps…only to catch a glimpse of his retreating back as he abruptly turned around at the sight of me. Did it really kill him that much to even be within 50 metres of me? I tried to shrug it off, but how do you do that when your husband, the only person you will ever love, has been avoiding you like the plague for what seems like weeks on end?
He doesn't know I'm here now, but he will soon. So I take the opportunity to watch him, seeing as I think I'm probably going to forget what he looks like. I sigh. Yeah right, as if I'm ever going to forget him as long as I live. But I wouldn't need to forget him if he just at least tried to help me get our marriage back on track. I don't suppose I'm one to talk, I left him for the tour. He still doesn't understand that it was never about Chris though. I'm sure he will someday…if he ever decides to talk to me. Scratch that – if he ever decides to look at me.
I step fully onto the court, he hears my footsteps on the hard cement and turns around. For a moment so brief that I think I might have imagined it, there is no blank stare, no protective wall, no harsh expression. But then it's gone, and he simply frowns. He turns around starts shooting again. I fight back the urge to sob. An angry Nathan would be better than the neutral I-don't-give-a-shit Nathan here in front of me. I clear my throat nervously. No response. The ball swishes through the hoop again and again. It's starting to piss me off. I count to ten, just in case I say something that makes things worse; if that's possible.
I walk slowly past him to lean against the post. Now, every time he goes to shoot, he can see me standing right in front of him. He seems to consider me a part of the landscape, ignoring me as effectively as if I were a tree. I briefly wonder what would happen if I danced naked around the pole. Probably nothing, he might tell me that my clothes on the ground are interfering with his footwork. I roll my eyes and grunt. God, when did I become such a cynic?
Finally, I've had enough. No matter what I've done in the past, he has no right to treat me like I'm a piece of trash. I step forward quickly and grab the damn ball from his grasp. His eyes cloud with confusion…and now he just looks irritated.
"Give me the ball Haley."
"Oh, so you do know my name?"
He growls lightly in frustration, "I said give me the ball."
"No." I turn around and throw it into the nearest bush. He steps forward angrily. Thank God; a reaction. But I really don't think I should have done that, because he looks really angry. For one terrifying moment, I think he might hit me, so I step backwards. Of course, I realise too late that he would never do that, it's just that I'm so highly strung. He must have seen something in my eyes, because he softens and looks at me with…concern? Arrghh.
"I don't need your sympathy." My voice is shaky, and my eyes are starting to sting. Yeah, great delivery Haley. I was going for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, not damsel in distress.
He raises an eyebrow, smooth indifferent persona back in place, "you seem like the last person to earn my sympathy anyway. I'm not the one who left on a rock tour."
I groan loudly, "will you stop throwing that in my face?"
"Why not? You threw it in mine the moment you left." I'm sorely tempted to turn around and leave, but I don't because who knows when he'll talk again?
I try a different approach, "how've you been?"
He sneers, "like you care." The words are a white hot blade through my heart.
"Nathan, that's not fair, you know I do."
"You sure have a funny way of showing it." I blow a breath out at my fringe, I had almost forgotten how stubborn he could be.
"Tell me the truth Haley. Why are you out here when you sure as hell know that I don't want to see you?" I almost break down on the spot. I made him this way. I made him a sarcastic, sneering bastard…because I left like a coward when I knew our marriage was already fragile. Stupid me for thinking we could survive anything.
I steel myself… I thought that we could survive anything because we can. I'm not going to let foolish mistakes ruin this, he's too important to me. I consider telling him that, but something tells me that I should just save the words and let my actions do the talking. I look up and realise that he's still waiting for my answer. Do I tell him that I come here every night because I can't sleep? Because sometimes I worry so much about him that I have to run to the bathroom to throw up? Because I'm scared that we'll never be us again? Or maybe that I come here because then I can feel close to him, connected to him in some way, spiritually if not physically. No, I can't say that; it sounds like a corny Julia Roberts movie. And this isn't a movie, it's real life. Hell, it's my life.
He's starting to get impatient now, his steely gaze betraying his emotions. I can feel the tears again, but I'm not going to let them fall. "Maybe I just came here because I wanted to see you. Is that a crime?" The words are so soft out of my mouth, I wonder if he heard them. But he did, because he stiffens and…walks away. Ok, so that was not the reaction I was expecting. I watch as he moves toward the stands and sits down. I hesitate, not knowing what to do. My anger is gone now, so is my irritation at his actions. I'm just tired; so very tired of everything. Finally, I walk over and sit with him, he holds his ground, keeping a considerable distance between us.
I don't know how much time passes, but I'm content to just sit there. I'm not exactly enjoying his company, but at least we weren't at each other's throats. After a while, I couldn't handle the silence any longer, "what are you thinking?" He seems resigned to the fact that I wasn't leaving any time soon. He sighs deeply, "I'm wondering about how we reached this point. Where I can't even look at you without feeling hurt and pain." I turn to face him fully, and bring my feet up to rest on the cold bench. I wrap my arms around my knees to protect myself from the cool night air.
I smile weakly, "well, I agreed to tutor you in exchange for you to stop being an ass to my best friend. There was a really good kiss out the front of my house, we fell in love. There was porn and rain involved. We got married on the beach one day…" My voice trailed off painfully, and I took a deep breath before continuing, "and then I decided to go on a rock tour…before realising that my most important dream was the one I left behind. So I came back, heaps of arguments, you ignoring me, questions unanswered…and here we are." I smiled half-heartedly again, "does that clear things up?"
He looked at me wondrously, as if marvelling at the fact that I would even dare to make a joke out of things. He shakes his head and goes back to staring at the ground. "Nathan, how long are we going to do this for?"
"Do what?"
"You know perfectly well. How long are we going to keep hurting each other?"
His head snaps up heatedly and he glares at me. God he's gotten moody. "I don't see how you could be hurting, I don't even see how you get to be the victim in all this crap."
That's it. Those are the words that finally break through the walls holding in my tears. They splash down my front. Warm, wet and salty. How could he even think that this doesn't affect me? He looks surprised. "I hurt too you know Nathan," I can barely speak between my sobs, "I have nightmares about everything. Don't you think it kills me to know I'm the reason you're miserable? And all this time, I try to talk to you, but you just push me away…I don't know how much more I can take." I'm sobbing hysterically now, it's a struggle to breathe. An icy breeze picks up, but I hardly notice it. My whole body is aching from the tremors that are passing through me. Then, in an instant, his arms are around me. He gently pushes a stray lock of hair out of my face, tucking it softly behind my ear. His hands move to rub warmth back into my arms. I cling to the front of his jacket like someone would cling to a tree branch in a flood. His arms circle around me and one of his hands begins to slowly trace the number '23' on my lower back. After all this time, he still knows me intimately; knows that what he's doing is soothing me to the core. He continues his actions, tracing over and over until my crying subsides.
When I finally gain a hold of myself, I pull out of his embrace to look at him. "Hales, you should go home and get some rest." He called me Hales. I nod. I get up and walk past the court towards the bushes, feeling his gaze on my back the whole way. When I reach my destination, I bend down and pick up the basketball. I turn around and walk back to him, silently handing him the ball. He takes it equally silently, before standing up and kissing me softly on my forehead. "Are you going to be here tomorrow?" I ask him. He looks surprised again, but then he smiles. It's not a full smile, but it's true enough to warm my heart. "Maybe."
That's enough for me. I turn around and begin my walk back to the apartment.
I watch her retreating back and can't help but feel better. We haven't fixed anything, we're far away from it…but at least some things are out in the open. I can't believe how much of a bastard I was to her tonight, but I couldn't help it. She looked so beautiful, and it seemed to be a cruel reminder of the fact that I almost lost her. But I know now that if I happen to pass her by in school, catch a glimpse of her auburn hair at games, I won't be turning the other way. I look at the ball in my hands and chuckle at the memory of earlier events that night, one thing is for certain…that girl sure has some attitude.
The End
Wow.
Note to self: Naley + Angst Powerful + Sometimes Depressing + Fun to write.
So yeah, that was my first attempt at Naley angst, which, by the way, is not even that angsty. (I personally believe this is the best OTH ship to write angst for, coz there are so many issues and viewpoints. Actually, dude, what am I saying? Naley is the best ship to write for period!) Anyway, let me know what you think by leaving a review, and check out my other fics as well!
-peace-
xoxo, Shevy
