Petra: I really like how this story turned out. It started off as just a little short but then, after I was finished it didn't feel right, so I kept adding on until... well... I came up with the five part fic you have before you.
Kati: *smiles proudly* It's beautiful... *sniffle*
Petra: *laugh*

DEDICATED: For dreams and those who support them
WARNING: Lil' angst and one-sided shonen-ai
DISCLAIMER: If I could, I would, but I can't, so I shan't.

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I'm Glad I Didn't Tell You: Up to It

"But no matter how much you love a caged bird, love to admire its eternal beauty and its indomitable will as it dreams of freedom, if you open the cage, that bird will fly away. It will leave you behind and take off to the sky." -Flamika; Phantom in the Office (GW)

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I'm glad I didn't tell you. You're happy now; happier than you ever would have been with me. I know it, even if you don't. I'm glad I never told you how much you meant to me; I'm glad I was too scared to act on my emotions. Now I can watch you from afar as you accomplish so much more than you would have if I had held you back. So, here I am, sitting in third row from the last on your right, watching you knowing that you don't see me… and I'm happy. You're accepting your diploma from Harvard University. Harvard University! I'm so happy for you and proud of you. I would have held you back, I know that, so even though this is the first time I've seen you in person in four years, I feel as if I've been with you, helped you, the entire time.

Who am I kidding? I'm glad I didn't tell you but I would give my life if it meant one kiss, one moment, one look of love in your eyes. But still, I'm happy to just be here as one of your dreams comes true… do you know that you fooled me with that mask for so long that I almost let our friendship die before it had even started? Then there was That Night at that school, The Night that my feelings for you really changed. Do you remember? Do you remember what you said?

You told me, seriously and without any humor, one lone night as we were listening to the party going on next door, that what you wanted more than anything else in the world was to go to Harvard. You wanted to have a killer graduation party where you would get so smashed you wouldn't remember what you said or what you did… so smashed your tongue would loosen so that you could finally tell everyone exactly what you thought of them. I was amused and, as always, you seemed to know exactly what I was thinking… and it hurt you. I saw it in the way you suddenly laughed and, your eyes moving away from mine and up toward the ceiling, blinked quickly, the sound coming from your throat a little strained. And I knew then that the laughter hadn't been real most of the time, that that this was your real dream and that I had just laughed in your face about it.

That's when I fell in love with you; I can see you perfectly as if I were there at this moment. I remember exactly how you looked. Your head was thrown back so the column of your throat was bared to my gaze. Your breath heaved up and down in, what I now realize, were suppressed sobs, the tank top baring your arms that were supporting your body, your muscles strained a little bit from the gasping breaths you were turning into laughter. Your legs were splayed out in front of you, smooth and naturally hairless, the shorts riding up high on your thighs. Your hair, unbound for once, fell like a waterfall down your back and pooled on the floor. I'd always thought you were beautiful, but the shock of seeing you like that, trying to keep grief inside, was when I really saw you for the first time... and I fell hard, fast, and like never before.

It took me a long time to get up enough courage to start to treat you like a friend, even longer to get up the courage to tell you that I believed in your dream… and longer still to tell you mine. Not all of it, of course, because all of it would have scared you away. I'll always remember your face that day, that exact moment when I handed you the Harvard application and told you to go for it. Your beautiful violet eyes widened slight, and then you closed your eyes, long lashes brushing against red cheeks as you clutched the application tightly to you chest. The most beautiful smile I had ever seen spread across your face and I saw tears sparkle in the corner of your eyes. The long pants rode a little lower on your hips, giving me a glimpse of your flat, tan stomach. Your long sleeved shirt fell slightly down your arms so I could see the lighter half-inch stretch of skin around your wrist where your watch had been… the watch I gave you.

I put a finger under your chin, lifted up so that you'd look in my eyes and said, "I know you can do it. I'm sorry I laughed at you that one time, I didn't mean to, it wasn't that I didn't believe you could do it, it just surprised me… I always thought you'd draw or something. I mean, you're so good." I paused, smiling slightly and with nervousness; as usual it was lopsided. You once said that you loved the way my smile seemed as if it were about to tip over and, it might interest you to know that, until that moment, I hated the way it looked and afterwards I loved it.

We kept in touch with email after you left and I found that, instead of finding someone else, I fell even more love with you. It was as if you knew exactly what I needed. If I had had an awful day, your emails were always happy and light. If I had just spent the day being stressed, you would relax me. I don't know how you knew, but you did.

So, here I am, watching as you laugh out loud at something a classmate of yours said, your eyes sparkling, and I can't help but smile as I see a real grin light up your face. Afterward, as the people mill about, I walk toward you, watching your hair as it moves as you step aside. Gently, carefully, I put one hand on your waist and, stepping closer all in one smooth movement, whisper, "Congratulations, Duo. I knew you could do it."

"Heero?" you turn around quickly and, as soon as you see me, you throw your arms around me, pulling me close to you. I feel the warmth of your body seep through the robe you're wearing and clutch you a little closer than I normally would, breathing in your scent, the scent of pears. "Heero! God, I didn't know you were coming!" You laugh, tears making your eyes appear brighter, almost luminescent and, for a moment, you look so fey that I'm sure you're something otherworldly.

I laugh, the sound still a little uncomfortable to my ears and reply, "Well, I wanted to surprise you." Gently and hesitantly, because I'm a little scared, I wipe the tear that's managed to escape your eye and was making a slow trail down your cheek. Then, keeping my eyes on your face so that I can see your reaction, I kiss the tear off my finger. Then I smile and I can tell by the way that your eyes light up that you love…. Me? No, the way I smile. You love the way I smile and that's it. I feel my smile tighten as I ask, "So how about that killer party you kept talking about? Sure you can still live up to it?"

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IMPORTANT NOTE: For those of you that wish it, DUE TO MY SPORADIC postings, I am offering you, the readers, A MAILING LIST to sign up to. When I finally UPDATE, I will SEND OUT AN EMAIL informing those of you that are on the list that I have finally updated. I need you to EMAIL me, telling that you wish to sign up, and whether it's for ORIGINAL FICTION or FANFICTION. I WILL NOT accept those people that ask to be up on it in a review because I can't be sure that email is real. The mailing list will ALSO OFFER the TITLES of those works that I am posting, the COUPLES (if any) that are in it, which FANDOM it is from, and whether it is a SEQUEL to anything.

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Petra: Please, please, please, please, please, please tell me what you think.
Kati: You are so pathetic.
Petra: Like you're much of a help!
Kati: *pushes Petra into closet* You just stay in there Pet-chan. *outraged scream comes from cloest* Just review people. *runs away*

"I dream of a day when I can open my eyes, and my dreams won't disappear."
-Rose Marie Ledam

~Petra Megami Assari~
*The Gentle Tiger Goddess*