Chapter 81: I'm Not Proud Of Who I Was
This chapter of You're Not Alone is based off of Eret's "They all say that" line in How To Train Your Dragon 2, after Hiccup's "And this is Toothless. He says we're going. Now."
It's late on Berk, and Becky and I are just walking around the plaza, just trying to get back into a routine. It's been a few months since our miscarriage, and it hasn't been easy, but we've gotten through it. And we'll continue to get through it.
That's when a tomato hits me on the back of the head. It doesn't hurt, but it does make a mess.
"Murderer! Outcast! Outsider!" One Viking sneers.
I don't pay any attention to him…it wouldn't do anyone any good.
"You and that bloody wife of yours deserved that miscarriage, you know! For being a traitor to Berk."
"Eret, let's just go home. Don't pay that jerk any attention."
"Yeah, go on and run back home with your tail between your legs…your wife deserved every ounce of abuse she suffered from Drago."
Seething with rage, I march myself up to the Viking, and, for once in my life, ignoring my wife's protests.
"You can taunt me all you want, and I've told you once and I'll tell you again: stay. The Hel. Away. From. My Girl."
"Oh, you think you can actually fight back this time, huh, you murderer?"
"I'm not…I'm not a murderer."
"I have…well, I had a cousin back on Wolfsbane, your old island. Heard it through the grapevine that you murdered her in cold blood."
"Don't say a word against my husband." Becky says, walking up to the conversation.
"Love…don't."
"But what he's saying about you isn't true! Isn't it, Eret?"
"I – I'm afraid he's right, my love…I did what Dr – what that madman ordered me to do."
"Wait a second…you've murdered people?"
"Not because I had anything against them. Drago threatened my parents, my sister. I couldn't let anything happen to them."
"So you just murdered innocent people because Drago told you to?" My wife's voice is shaking…but I can't tell if it's from fear or from rage, and I'm too scared to ask.
"Love, please…I'm a changed man."
"That doesn't change the fact that you murdered people…what's to stop you from doing that again?"
"Love, I'm not like that anymore, and you know that."
"You couldn't have spared one minute to tell me that you've murdered people?! Oh my gods, Eret! I can't believe this!"
"I'm – I'm not proud of who I was. I wanted to tell you…but I thought you'd be ashamed of me and wouldn't love me anymore."
Becky…she then starts laughing.
"This is good. This is just great. This is a joke, right? You've never actually murdered people, right. I mean, you're not that kind of person."
"I'm so sorry, my love, but it's not – it's not a joke."
She stops laughing.
"I'd rather die than be married to a murderer."
"Love…"
She then slits her throat and falls to the ground. Dead.
"NO!"
I suddenly bolt up in a cold sweat, breathing hard, tears streaming down my cheeks.
Would she actually kill herself when I tell her I've killed innocent people? I can't lose her…I can't. I just can't. But she deserves to know.
"Eret?"
It's been a few months in the real world since our miscarriage, and I'm worried that Becky will slip into old habits of harming herself if I tell her.
"Eret, are you alright?"
I hesitate.
But then I tell her everything: who Drago told me to kill, where they were, and why Drago wanted me to murder them in cold blood. I don't go into too much details about the actual murders, but I do tell her that I regret every single second of every murder I committed, that Drago did threaten my parents and my sister if I didn't do what he commanded me to do.
"This was before you and I met…I was afraid he'd make me hurt you…even – even kill you."
"Eret…"
I'm still crying, but I don't care.
"I just couldn't bear to see the look on those people's faces when I murdered them."
"Eret…am I the first person you've told?"
I nod, beginning to sob.
Becky wraps her arms around me and cries with me.
A few minutes later, she speaks up.
"Eret…what Drago made you do is not your fault. But maybe it would help you to write to the families of these people and explain why you did it."
"But what about facing judgement for my crimes?"
"If you really want to do that, Hiccup can be the judge. He is the chief after all."
"Can we – do you think we could go now? A-and talk to Hiccup?"
"Of course."
Taking my hand, Becky leads me down the stairs, out the front door of our house and to Hiccup's home he shares with his mother Valka.
Still holding my hand, Becky knocks on the door.
Hiccup answers.
"Hey, guys. What can I do for you this time of night? Eret, are you okay?"
"We need your help, Hiccup. Eret needs your help."
"Come on in."
When I finish recounting everything I had told my wife, Hiccup looks shocked, but, surprisingly, not angry.
"Drago made you do this?"
"I wouldn't have committed any murder at all if Drago hadn't threatened my parents and sister."
"So you killed to protect your family?"
I nod.
"I agree with Becky: write to the families of the people you killed and explain why you did what you did. That may give them and you some closure."
"And a trial?"
"Eret…I don't want to put you or Becky through a trial. So I won't. You've both suffered enough because of Drago."
"But the innocent people I –"
Hiccup puts his hand up.
"I say you've both suffered enough because of Drago. We all have. Becky, do you agree?"
My wife nods.
"Then it's settled. No trial, but you do agree that what we've discussed here tonight won't leave this house?"
"I'll take it – I'll take it to my grave, chief." I say, squeezing my wife's hand, tears welling in my eyes.
"Odin will be the final judge. He decides your fate ultimately. But for now, go. You've been through enough."
"Thank you, chief. Thank you so much. Eret and I couldn't be more grateful." Becky says, helping me up.
"You're welcome."
Once we're home, I stay up the rest of the night, writing letters by candlelight, hoping that all will be forgiven…but I don't blame the families if I don't get forgiven at all.
~.~
A few weeks pass, and I receive letters from the families of the people that were murdered. Five in all.
I read them to myself, and most of them, thankfully, forgive me.
The rest tell me that they may forgive me with time.
I promised Hiccup and myself not to tell a single soul what I've done in my past – not all of it, at least. And I won't.
Like I told the chief, I'll take it to my grave.
Many, many years later, in Valhalla…
"Eret William Nordisk, Jr., you are here because you've committed crimes against humanity, killing innocent people because a madman threatened your parents and sister."
I stand before Odin, the allfather, and I couldn't be more nervous. I'm about to answer for my crimes, and my fate will be decided. Will I stay with my half-goddess wife and my family? Or will I be sent to Helheim for all of eternity?
"I have reached a verdict…and you, Eret, Son Of Eret." Odin says, pointing his mighty finger at me.
"You are to be sent to Helheim for all of eternity."
"NO!" I hear my wife cry out, trying to get to me. Her biological father, Loki, god of mischief, holds her back, knowing my fate has been decided.
(Becky's POV)
It's then I bolt up, shaking and sweating. Eret's next to me, alive and well and asleep. It's been a few months since our miscarriage.
"Eret?"
"Hmmm?"
"Eret, wake up. Please. I – I need you." I break down into sobs.
"Love? What is it? What's wrong?"
"Please be honest with me, Eret. Have you – have you ever murdered anyone? Any human?"
"I've come close a few times, but my conscience has always gotten the best of me, thankfully. Love, why are you asking this? Did you have a bad nightmare?"
I recount my nightmare to Eret…I was in his place, as him, through two different nightmares…it was really scary.
"Love, even if Drago threatened my parents and sister, he didn't know that they were in hiding to stay safe. They were in hiding until they heard of Drago's defeat…and you know my mum died three years before his defeat."
"So…you've never killed anyone?"
"Not a human, no. Dragons, yes…some of them that Valka rescued didn't make it…she's told me about them…I don't think she's forgiven me for that yet."
"Just give her time, Eret."
"I will. I'm not proud of who I was…killing innocent dragons…but I'm proud of who I am now…I'm a changed man."
"Yes, you are." I snuggle into Eret and he kisses my head.
Eventually, Valka does forgive Eret for killing innocent dragons.
I just hope I never have a set of nightmares like that ever again.
