Petra: I like this part so much that I just had to put it out right now! ^_^
Kati: I hope you like it as much!
Petra: ^_^ Well, I won't bore you. Read! Go!

DEDICATED: For the gundam pilots; I would set them free of their memories and guilt if I could.
WARNING: Angst at the end, shoenen-ai, Duo-torture (but it that really a warning? I mean, most people like seeing Duo squirm...)
DISCLAIMER: *cries*

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If You Could: Elevators Full of Regrets and Tears

" . . . because it was a conflict of the mind with the heart, a self-destructive fight against himself that was doomed whichever side won the battle." -Rhysenn; Irresistible Poison (HP)

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Heero loved rain. He loved rain and umbrellas, but especially rain. At that moment his arm was wrapped around the waist of the most beautiful person in the world as they shared the only umbrella they had been able to find in the house. Duo had wanted to keep looking but Heero had replied that one umbrella would do and, after chewing on his lip hesitantly, Duo had agreed. Heero had the feeling that there were indeed more umbrellas in the house but, for some strange reason, he had the feeling that Artemis had some mysterious hand in making them disappear and that they would never find them. 'Thanks, Arte-chan.' He could almost hear her reply in the back of his mind: Anytime, Odin-kun, anytime.

After a moment of stiffness from Duo the American had loosened up and even wrapped an arm around Heero's waist in return. Heero was so engrossed in the moment that they almost walked right past his apartment, where he'd decided to drop by before they went to eat so he could change his clothes. When Heero realized what he had done, he stopped suddenly and Duo was forced to stop with him, both boys ignoring the disgusted or dreamy looks they were getting from the people they were walking past.

"What's the matter?" Duo asked, peering at Heero inquisitively, trying to discern what was in his friend's dark blue-gray eyes. Before, he had been able to notice even the slightest difference of a flicker in the Japanese boy's eyes, now his eyes were full of so many emotions at once that it was hard to even begin to decipher what lay in their depths. It had taken Duo many months to learn exactly what Heero meant by each and every gesture, and now Duo found himself at a loss again for what Heero's every look meant… and, frankly, it pissed him off!

"We passed my apartment," Heero said, laughing out loud, ignoring the look that Duo was giving him. "You distract me, koibito!" As Heero said that, he gently wiped a piece of slightly damp hair away from Duo's cheek before laughing softly at the look on his face. "Come on, I'll let you pick out a piece of jewelry from my ever-growing horde of necklaces."

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As Heero held open the door for Duo, the American boy lowered the umbrella and then stepped inside, nodding slightly at Heero, still puzzling through the mystery that, for the second time since he had met the Japanese boy, was Heero Yuy. As the other boy led him to the elevator, Duo felt a sudden sense of loss around his waist and, unconsciously, his hand rose to brush across the bit of his cheek that still tingled from where Heero had brushed it before. Shit, his innocent little crush on Heero was definitely turning to something not so innocent… and what the HELL did Heero mean by 'You distract me'?! And don't even get Duo started with 'koi' and 'koibito' stuff? 'Stupid Japanese! I can't even begin guess at what he means...' Which wasn't entirely true, just from the way that Heero said the words Duo knew that they were something special. Sure, Duo knew a few words, just stuff he adapted from the anime and manga he read and watched or things that he took from Heero, correction, the old Heero. This new Heero seemed to make a special effort in making sure that Duo understood each and every little thing that he said… except for those damn nicknames of course.

"Koi," a gentle hand brushed lightly against his shoulder, just enough to get his attention, and Duo somehow managed to pull himself out of the past. "The elevator's here."

Duo shook his head, trying to calm his thoughts to no avail and stepped inside with Heero… only to realize with a shock that they were the only ones in the elevator… the very small, very cramped, *very* warm elevator. …Did they always make elevators this small, or was it just Duo?

Heero was leaning against the wall, watching Duo freak out and then, to add insult to injury, Heero began to hum a tune that, to Duo's surprise, he did rather well… Duo was pretty sure he would start hyperventilating any time now. The only thing he wanted at that moment was to get out of the elevator. Then, just as Duo was sure he was going to start having to remind himself to breath, the elevator stopped.

As he took a step forward he was suddenly stopped as he felt a warm hand grab his wrist and pull him against an even warmer body. "This isn't our floor, kokoro," Heero whispered in Duo's ear, making Duo shiver. "Ours is the top one, number 40, we're only on number 10." Duo bit back a whimper of fear… he wasn't going to make it… he was either going to go crazy, start hyperventilating, or tackle Heero and kiss the shit out of him right here… 'All of which will get me killed…' At least that's what he started to think before he remembered that this was the same Heero who was currently brushing his thumbs over the inside of Duo's thin wrists.

At that moment three adult males in business suits, talking in hushed tones, stepped into the elevator, making Duo squeeze even more tightly against Heero. After a moment, Heero wrapped both arms around Duo's thin waist, pressing himself against Duo's back and nuzzling his nose into Duo's hair. The three men didn't notice because, not only were they not paying attention, but Duo's jacket did a nice job hiding the twined arms.

Duo was either in heaven or hell, either way it was the most painful, most healing moment in his entire life. He looked at the countdown. Floor twenty!!!!!! Jesus Christ, they were making these things not only smaller but slower as well. Hmm… maybe this was some sort of torture device made by OZ specifically made for hormone-ridden teenage boys… At floor thirty, the three suits finally walked out and left the two gundam pilots alone. Duo let out a sigh of relief, glad that Heero didn't have to hold him any longer, and then tried to pull away; *tried* being the key word.

Heero's arms tightened slightly on Duo's waist and the Japanese boy muttered something into Duo's hair that Duo didn't manage to make out. "Um… Heero… they're gone…" Still the other boy didn't release Duo and, at that moment, Duo realized two things. One: he didn't want Heero to let go because if Heero did, Duo would probably tackle him and… well… he'll leave the rest out. Two: he couldn't get away if he tried. "Um… 'Ro…?" Duo felt the other boy grin into his braid.

"I love that nickname…" Heero whispered before burying his nose back in Duo's hair. "Warm… kokoro…" Heero muttered, the only thing the American could make out, and Duo recognized the other name that Heero had taken to calling him, though it wasn't as frequent as 'koi' or 'koibito'. This time, when Duo tried to pull away, Heero let him but didn't move his hands, leading to Heero's hands lightly holding Duo's waist. Heero slowly turned the utterly confused Duo toward him and, taking Duo's hand in his, spread his friend's fingers out, pressing his to it, palm to palm.

"Heero… what're you…" Duo trailed off as he saw that Heero was looking at their two hands as if he had never seen them before.

"Your hands are smaller… but you've got longer fingers than I do, making your hand appear almost as large as mine…" Slowly, carefully, as though afraid, Heero laced their hands together. "Perfect fit, koi…" the Wing pilot whispered, looking up into violet pools of light. The elevator stopped and, with a ding, the doors opened, though Duo didn't notice it, lost as he was in shimmering pools of dark blue-gray that reminded him of the ocean.

Duo felt disappointed as Heero dropped his hand gently, saying, "We're here, koibito." Then, the American froze in surprise as he felt as Heero lean in close… but the Japanese boy simply brought his lips to Duo's ear, making the other boy tremble slightly, before whispering, " 'Such a day of days! I let it come and go as traceless as a thaw of bygone snow. It seemed to mean so little, meant so much! If only now I could recall that touch, first touch of hand in hand!-Did one but know!' Christina Rosetti… Arte-chan had some of her books…" Then the Japanese pilot was stepping past Duo who was sure that his shocked brain was going into total meltdown

For a minute Duo who was sure that he would either collapse on the ground laughing hysterically or just plain faint. "Koibito…" the quiet voice made Duo look up to see Heero standing in front of the elevator doors, holding them open, as they vainly pushed against his hands again and again. "Koi, are you okay?"

Duo wanted to scream and pound on something, anything to bring back the Heero he had known, the Heero that had been safe to love and want, because *that* Heero would never have shown in interest in him… because this Heero was acting as if he *liked* Duo… and Duo was so scared that when the Japanese boy got his memories back (though Heero said it was impossible) the Wing pilot would no longer love him… 'No wait, scratch that, Heero doesn't love me… but he will stop acting like he has been… like I actually mean something to him…' There was so much to lose because of this… but there was also so much to gain. Duo was shocked, and scared, and didn't know what to do or what to say.

"I know this is all really sudden, at least it seems sudden to you," Heero was saying, causing Duo to blink in surprise. "But everything I do now are things that I wanted to do all the time, but I couldn't."

'Things that I wanted to do'… Duo felt a warm hand grab his wrist again and pull him gently into the fancy hallway of the top floor. The elevator door closed behind them as Heero pulled Duo after him and Duo was only vaguely aware of the rich carpet under his feet and passing him. It wasn't until Heero stopped in front of one of the two doors that Duo realized that a) the hallway was incredibly rich and b) there were only two doors.

" 'Ro," Duo said, tugging slightly on the other boy's coat and feeling rather like a child as he did so. "There's only two doors… and these furnishings are really rich. You sure this is the right floor?"

Heero turned around and smiled at Duo, right as the lock opened with a loud 'click'. "Yeah, I don't know where Arte-chan gets the money, but I wasn't about to waste it. Besides I figured, from the few memories I have, it'd be a nice change." This was something new, Heero had some memories, and he hadn't told Duo or the other pilots? Then of course, he'd never said that he didn't get his memories back, in fact, now that Duo thought about it, he'd very purposefully avoided that type of question.

"What do you remem-" Duo started to ask as Heero pushed open the door and stepped inside, Duo following closely behind, before Duo was interrupted by a loud, feminine shriek.

"Odin-kun!!!!!" the same female screamed as she rushed and tackled Heero, sending Heero flying backwards right into Duo.

"Shimatta!" Heero cursed, desperately twisting in the air so that he wouldn't land on Duo and, instead, ended up on the ground lying on top of a very dazed Artemis. Duo lay on the floor a few feet away where Heero had pushed him, trying to figure out why the room wouldn't stop spinning. Quickly getting off Artemis, who somehow Heero knew would be alright, (and, well, it was her fault anyway!) Heero walked over to Duo and pulled him up. Duo leaned against him as the room dipped and swirled dangerously, closing his eyes tightly against the pain.

Heero wrapped one arm tightly around the American's waist while using the other to lightly test Duo's head for where the bump was. Duo let out a small cry as Heero pressed lightly upon the other boy's left temple and Heero almost felt himself cry out in return, feeling as though he knew the other's pain. Suddenly he noticed that pale fingers with long nails were lovingly pushing his hand out of the way.

"Odin-kun, you probably better get him inside, he looks a little pale," Artemis said softly and he looked into blue-green depths, feeling as though he were drowning in a forest glade. "We can talk inside."

He didn't know how she knew that a million questions had been on the tip of his tongue, but he knew that it was yet another reason why he wanted to ask her one more question. He didn't say anything though, instead picking Duo gently up who wrapped one arm around Heero's neck.

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"Heero… Jesus Christ my head hurts!" Duo said, pressing his face into Heero's neck. His thoughts swam sluggishly around his head, and he couldn't seem to remember exactly where he was or what had/was happening. All he did know was that Heero, the boy he had unwittingly fallen in love with, was holding him almost painfully close and looking at him with concern and… something else…

What had happened anyway? Out of the corner of his eye Duo noticed a golden-haired girl watching him and, as if noticing his regard she turned. She smiled at him and winked. He blinked and then pressed a little closer to Heero, trying to get away from the regard of the strange woman. When she had looked at him at him, it had seemed like she was looking into his very soul and he didn't want anyone to see his soul, as blackened as it was by this seemingly unending war.

It took more power for Duo to reason that out then it seemed possible to, but for some reason he suddenly felt very weak. He closed his eyes in a moment of pain and then opened them again not, as he had last been, in Heero's warm, comforting arms, but lying on a soft bed that smelled of Heero; of dewy grass with a slight hint of vanilla. For a minute he thought he was awake, but the feeling of warm, moist lips pressing up against his forehead followed by Heero's low voice whispering, "Koi… Love… you're so beautiful. I hope you're not harmed, it would break my heart if I had hurt you in anyway. Sleep, kokoro, my heart, sleep…" And then the warmth that Duo hadn't even noticed was pressed against the side of his leg, was gone and he heard the soft latch of the door as it was closed carefully.

Tears came unbidden with those last words of Heero's and Duo turned on his side repeating 'It's a dream' over and over in his head. That still didn't help the fact that Heero had already hurt him more times than he could count. He remembered the feeling of pain, both physical and emotional, when Heero had punched him as Duo had tried to touch him that one time; the physical hadn't bothered him as much, it had disappeared within a few days but the emotional still made his heart ache. He thought of the way Heero had always threatened to kill Relena but never had, showing he must have feelings for the girl though, truth be told, Heero had done the same once or twice to him… He let himself revel in that idea before he crushed it, just like how his heart had been crushed so many times.

'Heero… do know what you do to me? Every time I reached out you pushed me back even more… Why? And why do you smile at me now? Why do you act like you care? Why… why now…?' He felt his eyes beginning to water. 'Why are you showin' me the person beneath the ice? The person I always knew was there and that I loved…? Why?! Right when the pain was dulling, when I was ready to accept my fate? When I was beginning to accept that you were dead?! That I would never get to tell you how I felt? That I would regret not telling you for the rest of my *goddamn* *fucking* life?! WHY ARE YOU ACTING THIS WAY!!!!!' He suddenly realized that his breath was coming out faster and faster and he stopped, slowing his breathing, letting out a choked sob.

He closed his eyes as he drifted to sleep, one lone tear managing to make it free of its darkly lashed prison, sliding down dark half circles beneath weary eyes, onto cheekbones thin from when Duo had thought the Japanese boy dead, to lips that whispered softly but once, "It was dream… but, oh, how I wish it hadn't been…"

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IMPORTANT NOTE: For those of you that wish it, DUE TO MY SPORADIC postings, I am offering you, the readers, A MAILING LIST to sign up to. When I finally UPDATE, I will SEND OUT AN EMAIL informing those of you that are on the list that I have finally updated. I need you to EMAIL me, telling that you wish to sign up, and whether it's for ORIGINAL FICTION or FANFICTION. I WILL NOT accept those people that ask to be up on it in a review because I can't be sure that email is real. The mailing list will ALSO OFFER the TITLES of those works that I am posting, the COUPLES (if any) that are in it, which FANDOM it is from, and whether it is a SEQUEL to anything.

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Petra: What'd you think?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?! Gawd, I love torturing Duo... Did you like the elevator part? *giggle* I liked writing it! I'm sorry it had to get sad at the end... you can always go and read the elevator part over again...
Kati: Thanks:

ASAMI: Actually, no, though I have had the idea of turning Duo into a god and keeping Heero a mortal and seeing what happens, but I have to finish my many other stories. ^_^ I'm actually working on two GWs one right now. So, I guess you'll just have to wait and see what happens.
SILVER ANGEL: ^_^ Heya, again! I don't think I'll write their reactions. Frankly, they probably won't be in the story much becuase I wrote this to try to help me understand Heero and Duo's relationship more than anything. They're in it, but their reactions to Heero aren't as important as Duo's so... *shrug* Did you like these mind games? I did! (I'm an evil, evil person. *wink*)

"I dream of a day when I can open my eyes, and my dreams won't disappear."
-Rose Marie Ledam

~Petra Megami Assari~
*The Gentle Tiger Goddess*