Kati: I'm back! And with vengence!
Petra: Um... Yay! Didn't we miss her guys?
Kati: Yeah, sure ya did! Little bitch!
Petra: Be nice, Kati!
Kati: *closes eyes and sticks out tongue*
Petra: *uses chance and traps Kati in box*
Kati: *muffled screams*
Petra: Anyways, read on! *smiles*

DEDICATED: For the gundam pilots; I would set them free of their memories and guilt if I could.
WARNING: Angst and shoenen-ai. Also OOCness but, well... you know...
DISCLAIMER: A single spotlight illuminates Heero who is standing in the middle of the stage.
Heero: ...
Petra: Hee-chan, psst! Your lines!
Heero: ... *glare*
Petra: Hee-chan... remember... blackmail? *holds up steamy pictures of Heero and Duo*
Heero: *glare* Petra, the great and wonderful fanfiction author... *snort* Who deserves tons of praise and worship, doesn't own Gundam Wing, but she does own this wonderful story which deserves praise and worship." *teeth are now clenched tightly together* That's the end. Remember, praise and worship are requested.
Kati: Demanded!
Petra: Get back in that box.
Heero: *sneaks away in the commotion, taking pictures with him*

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If You Could: If I Could Die for Every Tear

"They were lost in hell with no wishes to be found. After all, it was love." -0083; Lost (GW)

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Quatre was playing his violin in the next room as he let his thoughts drift. He remembered how impressed he'd been when he'd seen where they'd be staying and then slightly suspicious when it had just happened the apartment Heero was staying in had only one other bedroom meaning only Duo could stay with him while Trowa, Wufei, and himself were put across the hall.

Quatre wasn't stupid. He'd seen the way Duo had looked at Heero before Heero had lost any memories, it had seemed like the only one who hadn't noticed was Heero himself. For a while, Quatre was sure that Duo only had a crush on a pretty face but, then, when Heero had disappeared, he'd finally realized exactly how deeply Duo had been drowning as he'd watched the other boy almost starve himself and smile so unconvincingly that even Wufei knew it was an act.

Now… the way Heero was acting around Duo was strange and new. Quatre had asked Wufei to translate the little nicknames that Heero called Duo but the other boy, much to the Arabian's surprise, had flushed and said that he didn't know what they mean. 'Liar.' Quatre thought for the hundredth time. So, he'd looked them up and he'd nearly died from shock. 'Love'? 'Lover'? Even 'my heart'? 'My soul'?!

It was nice, though, to see someone like Heero have a chance at a new life. Quatre's smile faltered and his music changed from thoughtful to sad. 'If only we could all do that, just forget everything that happened…' He opened his eyes only to have the string of violin and bow scrap against each other with a screech that made him shiver, as he noticed Heero watching him intently.

"You know, you can almost tell what you're thinking about when you play; your music reflects your emotions," Heero walked toward Quatre but, as he was passing a piano he stopped, turning toward the sleek black instrument and running light fingers over it. "I wish I could play the piano but, I suppose, J didn't think it would be relevant for any missions, ne?"

Quatre carefully put the violin in the case and put the case back on the shelf before finally turning to Heero who was staring at the piano as if it held all of life's mysteries. "One of my earliest and only memories," Heero said, a faraway look in his eyes, "Is of Odin Lowe telling me that I should take piano lessons because I had the hands for it." He turned to Quatre. "I don't believe I got those lessons because when I stare at the keys there's… nothing. I don't know what happened to Odin Lowe either or exactly when I quit being Odin Lowe Jr. and became Heero Yuy; for all I know he could be alive, could be the next person one of us kills…"

Quatre had to ask, "If you could, would you choose to have your memories back?"

Heero stared at Quatre in surprise for a moment before looking thoughtfully up at the ceiling. "It would matter what was happening at the moment, what had happened, stuff like that. I would choose 'no' right now, for I don't really need them. I sometimes wish I didn't have this huge blank where my life used to be but other times, just the mere fact that most of life hasn't come back, is enough to know that I probably won't want them back."

"What kind of stuff do you remember?"

Heero smiled and Quatre, though he had seen it extremely often, still felt slightly caught off-guard. "A few moments spent with Odin Lowe, who was either my real father or adopted father… but, mostly, of you guys."

Quatre smiled and couldn't help teasing, "Probably a certain American in particular…"

Heero blushed and Quatre eye's almost popped out of his head. 'Jesus Christ, but he's cute when he blushes!' Quatre couldn't help thinking and then immediately blushed, feeling guilt when he thought of Trowa. "Now," Heero said, the blush still lingering on his cheeks, "What did you just blush about?"

This caused Quatre to blush some more and Heero laughed, a sound that Quatre still found surprisingly nice to hear. It was low and sweet and Quatre was very glad that he had found Trowa, because if he hadn't he could definitely have fallen for Heero. He sighed and then looked at Heero before saying, "So, what's wrong Heero?"

Heero looked up surprise before looking down at his feet. "Dozo… How did you know I lo- liked Duo-koi?"

"You don't try to hid it." Quatre hadn't missed that way he had stumbled for a moment and Quatre couldn't help but be surprised that he could be so sure. "And then there are those little nicknames."

"Just the nicknames?" Heero asked, and Quatre was surprised at the worry he could hear in Japanese boy's voice.

"Well… no…" he could actually see Heero relax. "Why are you worried that we can't tell?"

"Because if you can't tell, Duo-koi can't tell and I *really* want Duo-koi to know how I feel… but I don't think he does…"

"He does."

This made Heero look up in surprise and reply, "Demo… I mean, but he doesn't act like it!"

The anger and hurt in the boy's voice shocked Quatre. "He's afraid," Quatre said, defending his friend. "Do you have any idea what you did to him before you lost your memories?!" Ignoring the pain that he knew he was causing he barged forward, saying what he knew he needed to say. "He came downstairs one day, with a black eye, and when I asked him about it he said that a shelf had come loose while he was sleeping and hit him!" Quatre knew he was getting carried away, but he couldn't stop himself. "I had to sit there and take that lie, because I didn't want to hurt Duo more than he was hurting! I had to smile and laugh, while I saw the way his eyes stayed on you as you left with so much as a good-bye!" Quatre turned his eyes away from the figure of Heero looking at the floor to the window. "I had to make sure he ate, that he didn't get too thin, when you would leave on a mission, or try to commit suicide… or when we thought you were dead…" He couldn't help the tears that came to his eyes and he was surprise to find Heero step in front of him and pull him close as he started to cry.

"Quatre-kun… I'm so sorry… If I could die for every single tear that fell from his eyes, I would… but I can't change who I was, only who I am now," Heero whispered, gently stroking Quatre's back in a soothing motion.

"I was so scared for him. So scared that he would do something dangerous, so scared that when we were fighting he would take an uncalculated risk. He did, though they weren't nearly as risky as what I thought they would be, but I still saw it there."

"Quatre-kun…" Heero said, pushing Quatre's chin up so that the blonde would meet his eyes. "There are no words to describe how sorry I am and how much it hurts to know I did that. Don't think I don't know, either, what I did. I asked Arte-chan, who somehow seems to know everything, to tell me every single little thing I did to hurt him and she named them all. Every one of those times, though I don't remember them, I do know of them, every detail… I have them memorized and for each time I did something that made him hurt, I plan to give him ten times that in joy…"

Quatre was surprised and didn't hide it as Heero stepped back and looked out the window. "I love him enough that, if he told me he loved someone else, I would smile for him and wish him all the happiness in the world."

"Do you know what was the worst thing to watch?" Trowa's voice startled both Quatre and Heero who turned around in surprise.

Heero shook his head, as Trowa walked up to wrap his arms around Quatre's waist.

"Watching him loving you," Trowa said, watching as the other boy gazed at him in surprise. "Watching him loving you and watching him think that you didn't love him in return, could never love him in return. Watching him lose hope… watching him trying desperately to keep hope…"

Heero suddenly stood up straight and nodded, saying, "I know that I did these things. I know that I hurt him… well, a lot... but I'm not going to feel guilty about something I did that I don't remember, or that I can't change."

They stood there for a moment, staring out the window at the disappearing sun, watching as the sky was streaked with brilliant reds and violets. Heero suddenly started as he remembered why he was there in the first place.

"Good goddess!" he exclaimed, making Quatre and Trowa look at him surprise. "I came here to give you something…"

Quatre turned to Trowa and mouthed 'good goddess' with his eyebrows raised in question; Trowa only gave a clueless shrug, obviously as confused as Quatre.

"Um… Heero, why did you just say 'good goddess'?" Quatre asked, as Heero continued to search through his pockets.

"Did I?" Heero asked, without looking up and then continued before they could answer. "I must've picked it up from Arte-chan, she's always saying weird things like that. I don't know, it has a nice ring and I'm not using God's name in vain so I figured, why the hell not?"

Quatre and Trowa just stared at him blankly but, before either could comment on the strangeness of Heero, he suddenly smiled triumphantly and pulled out two necklaces, one red and one gold.

He separated them and then held the gold one out to Quatre who stared in awe at the beauty before him. A beautiful white-blue glass unicorn seemed to be huddled beneath something that wasn't there, its eyes staring at something that only it could see. Tiny, perfect sapphires were used for the eyes and the detail was so breathtaking that Quatre was sure he could see every individual hair hanging down from its tail. It hung from a golden chain that, for some strange reason, made Quatre think of Sandrock.

As he was about to reach out to get it, Heero held up the other one, this one on a red chain. Again, Quatre was struck breathless and, when he looked at Trowa, he saw the other boy was awestruck too. A light green glass pegasus had one wing tucked along its back and the other seemed to be cradling something invisible while it nuzzled that same invisible thing. It was as finely detailed as the unicorn, to the point that you could see individual feathers on its wings. Its eyes were made out of tiny, perfect emeralds. Before either could make a move, a secret smile crossed Heero's face, causing them both to look at each other before turning back to Heero.

"Heero… why are you smiling like that?" Quatre asked.

"These figures were made from a glass rose that was green and blue. Once, long ago, a man bought a beautiful glass rose for the woman he loved. When he gave it to her, she said that she would rather have something he had made, so he melted the glass and made these. The chains are made from gundanium, the red from Heavyarms and the gold from Sandrock." Then, watching them carefully, he put the two necklaces together so that the green pegasus was gently cradling the blue unicorn, both nuzzling their noses together gently.

"Oh… they're… they're… beautiful…" Quatre said.

"Arte-chan gave these to me and said that I was to give them to you and to say… let me see…" He paused for a minute as he tried to remember exactly what his friend had said. "Oh yeah! She said: 'Tro-kun, Quat-kun, I just wanted to give you the best wishes in all the worlds. Anyone who has these twin necklaces are meant to be together, just like how I know you're supposed to.' So, she got them for you."

He held them out to them but, before Quatre could take them, Trowa did, pulling them gently apart. "Here," the taller boy said, unclasping the blue unicorn's gold clasp. "Let me put it on for you." Heero smiled and then quietly left the room, the last thing he saw was the tall boy bending down to gently kiss the golden boy. Though he knew Duo hadn't told him 'no' yet, in fact everyone else was telling him 'yes', he still couldn't help the gentle stab of pain and uncertainty that pricked his heart.

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IMPORTANT NOTE: For those of you that wish it, DUE TO MY SPORADIC postings, I am offering you, the readers, A MAILING LIST to sign up to. When I finally UPDATE, I will SEND OUT AN EMAIL informing those of you that are on the list that I have finally updated. I need you to EMAIL me, telling that you wish to sign up, and whether it's for ORIGINAL FICTION or FANFICTION. I WILL NOT accept those people that ask to be up on it in a review because I can't be sure that email is real. The mailing list will ALSO OFFER the TITLES of those works that I am posting, the COUPLES (if any) that are in it, which FANDOM it is from, and whether it is a SEQUEL to anything.

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Petra: ^_^ So, what'd you think? I know this is rather pointless, but in reality it's a chance to show how the pilots are reacting the Heero 5.0. ^_^ *laugh*
Kati: *clothes and hair are messed up* You little brat!
Petra: Ah, admit it! You missed me...
Kati: *grudgingly* Maybe a little...
Petra: ^_^ See! Oh, and for those that read the disclaimer. *holds up small black strips* I still have the negatives. *loud curses are heard off-stage* Now, it's time for some hiding! See ya next time!
Kati: *being dragged by Petra* REVIEW GODDAMNIT!!!

"I dream of a day when I can open my eyes, and my dreams won't disappear."
-Rose Marie Ledam

~Petra Megami Assari~
*The Gentle Tiger Goddess*