24. Changes
Over the next few days, Bella continued to sicken. The thing growing in her belly was getting perceptibly bigger every day, but she was getting thinner. Perhaps a human mightn't have noticed, but I did. I noticed her cheekbones becoming more prominent, I noticed her lovely voice becoming rough, I noticed the way she would suddenly gasp and clutch at the couch, and whenever her shirt would shift out of the way, I noticed that the bruise the fetus had made when I'd hugged her had only been the first. Her stomach was dotted with small purple and yellow splotches.
I also noticed that she was moving more carefully, wincing as she climbed the stairs, and no longer sprinting for the bathroom. Now, she made use of the bucket that was ever ready to be supplied by either my sister or my mother. She had yet to keep any food down for more than an hour, and the tests Carlisle was running finally showed her deteriorating health.
"Your body needs vitamins and minerals to function," Carlisle told Bella in his most persuasive voice. "Pregnancy aside, when humans run too low on certain essentials, their bodies will shut down and cease to function."
She shook her head. "I can do this. I'll be fine."
"Despite your determination, your body has demands that are not being met. Your heart rate is increased, your blood pressure is climbing, your muscles are producing toxins, your body is breaking down its fat stores since you are unable to feed it, and sooner rather than later, you will run out of the minerals you and your baby need to survive."
"Then help me, Carlisle! Help me get what my baby needs." She reached out to grip his hand, her eyes wide and scared. Not for her own life, no. For the thing's.
He nodded in acquiescence. "I will do what I can. I have brought home several of the protein shakes we give our elderly patients. It is easy to digest, and your body needs both the liquids and the vitamins, but I am concerned that it will do you no good since you were unable to keep down the peppermint tea or the ginger ale. I was hoping you would allow me to bypass your digestive system altogether. I already have bags of glucose, saline, and the like. It is not a perfect solution, but it should keep you hydrated and nourished until the birth."
The crease between her eyebrows formed as Bella shook her head at Carlisle in confusion.
"It would mean starting an IV. Ah, several, in fact."
If it were possible, Bella would have paled, but her complexion was already so white that her only reaction was a tightening of her mouth and a stiff nod.
I glared at my sister. "Starting an IV can expose her blood, Rose. You might want to step out of the room."
"If you can handle it, then so can I."
My big bear of a brother stood and pretended to stretch. "I'm sure you can, babe. Me, on the other hand... I think I've suddenly got someplace important to be." Emmett winked at Bella as he strolled from the room to rejoin Jasper, who was attempting to divine something useful from Carlisle's vast collection of books.
"Hold your breath, Rosalie," Carlisle advised.
Relieved that she had consented to his treatment, I watched as Carlisle threaded the IV into her arm and hung the various bags he intended to give to her. Rose followed his advice and held her breath until after the spilled drops were cleaned up, but I breathed deeply the entire time. What I smelled concerned me.
For the first time since I'd met her, Bella's blood smelled rather sour and ammoniacal. It was still flowery and sweet, but there was an undercurrent to it that told me she was not well. The flower was dying.
As if I needed to smell her blood to know that. I could see she wasn't well with one glance!
After letting the fluids run for a few hours, Carlisle drove to the hospital to check for an improvement. There was a ring of hope to his thoughts as he sped away. He was certain this had solved the largest of the more immediate problems. Once he was confident he could keep Bella alive through her pregnancy, he felt it would then be a matter of seeing to it that she survived the birth.
"Are you feeling any better, Bella?" Rosalie asked solicitously after Carlisle left.
"I think so? I have to use the bathroom, anyways."
Though she accepted Rose's help in standing, Bella used the IV stand for support as she minced across the room. When she returned to the couch, her muscles were trembling, and her expression was one of exhaustion and pain. There were dark circles under her beautiful chocolate eyes, she was covered in a fine layer of sweat, and her normally lustrous hair was lank and dull. Waiting on Carlisle's return, she simply lay on the couch, panting.
I didn't bother reporting the news when I heard it in his mind. Bella looked up hopefully when Carlisle walked into the living room, but her face fell as she saw his unhappy expression.
"Well, it's still early," she whispered.
"That is not an issue, Bella," he insisted. "Especially as rapidly as everything else about you is changing, there should have been some improvement."
"Then try another medication," Rosalie snapped.
"Her body is not absorbing the nutrients, Rosalie," he said patiently. "Maybe..."
"What?" Bella asked.
"The problem is the fetus - "
"Her baby isn't a problem, Carlisle!"
"Please let me finish." He eyed my sister in silence until she pressed her lips together and gestured impatiently for him to continue. He addressed Bella when he spoke again. "The problem is the fetus is growing so rapidly that it is apparently absorbing everything I am giving to you before it has a chance to do your body any good. You have lost weight, Bella, far more than you would have if you were simply not eating. The fetus could tell us a great deal if I could examine it."
"The ultrasound couldn't penetrate, though. I mean, you've already tried."
"There are other ways. A very standard pregnancy test includes sampling the amniotic fluid for chromosomal abnormalities, among other things, and in this instance, it could - "
"You want to shove a needle into her baby?" Rosalie hissed.
"Oh, yes. Because inserting a tiny needle through her uterine wall would do so much damage. Be realistic, Rose," I sneered.
"I am! He can't see the baby, or even feel where it is. If he inserts the needle in the wrong place, the baby could be injured."
"That is true," Carlisle conceded. "But we are also running a risk in not acting. Bella, you and the fetus could die of starvation."
It doesn't matter.
"'It doesn't matter'!" I snarled at Rosalie. "How can it not matter that we're watching Bella starve to death?"
"Because the needle wouldn't be able to penetrate anyways!"
Carlisle heaved a sigh before I could do more than growl in response. "Unfortunately, I am certain you are correct, Rosalie. The membrane surrounding the fetus has so far acted more like vampire skin than human, and no needle could pierce one of us. Still, I would very much like to know..." He trailed off, but I could hear his thoughts racing. The thing's genetic sequence as well as physical and chemical make-up were complete unknowns, and anything new tended to fascinate our kind. Without finishing his sentence, Carlisle went to his study to continue his research.
Seeing me watching her, Bella whispered, "I'm sorry."
I looked away from her and gritted my teeth.
"You have nothing to apologize for, Bella," Rosalie crooned to her. "If anyone should apologize it's that insensitive, narrow-minded, pessimistic husband of yours."
"Rosalie." Bella shook her head, her voice low and disapproving. "I appreciate your support, but I'm hurting him enough as it is."
She scoffed. "If he's hurting it's his own doing, not yours, and is nothing new in any event. He could choose to support you instead of trying to control your life for a change."
Bella frowned, but didn't seem to have the energy to continue arguing with my sister.
Rose's voice returned to the sickly-sweet croon she might have used to talk to her sick child, had she ever become a mother. "Everything will be fine, Bella. Carlisle will figure out how to help you and the baby. Once he's born, and Edward sees his child, he's sure to love him just like we already do."
Low, so that Bella couldn't hear, I grumbled, "Don't count on it."
You just prefer to be miserable, don't you? You must; why else would a vampire marry a human unless he simply enjoys torturing himself? I may not have approved of Bella wanting to be changed, but any other vampire would have done so long before now. She smiled down at Bella's growing stomach. I guess I'm doubly glad now that you've refused to do so.
I stopped growling at my sister. Bella did want to be changed! She had begged me many, many times to do so, but I had refused every time. Surely she knew that she couldn't survive this pregnancy. In fact, I suddenly realized she wasn't planning on it. If I had given in to her request, she'd be a vampire now, and not being starved to death by my demon spawn. She had to know I would do everything I could to save her, including changing her at last. But she didn't seem to realize or accept that that wouldn't be possible. By the time the thing clawed its way out of her, there wouldn't be anything left of her for me to save.
I knelt in front of her, ignoring Rose's warning hiss. Bella opened her eyes and watched me, her expression a combination of hope and worry. It was the hope that decided me.
Steeling myself, I nodded slowly. "Okay."
The crease appeared between Bella's brows. "Okay, what?"
"I'll do it."
Rose inhaled sharply. You'll support her? Stop trying to convince her to kill her child?
"Do what, Edward?"
"Right now. No more waiting. No more excuses."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'll change you."
"What?"
"What!" Rose echoed Bella, but where hers had been a soft gasp, Rose's exclamation was a shriek.
Gently pressing my palms against her petal-soft cheeks, I cradled Bella's face in my hands. "It's what you've always wanted, right? What you've asked me for over and over. I give in. You don't have to do this to get me to turn you into a vampire."
Her forehead wrinkled with a frown, and she shook her head weakly. "Edward! That's not why I'm keeping him!"
Ignoring her protest, I found myself speaking faster, the words tumbling from my mouth in my haste to keep my Bella. "Carlisle has morphine. Lots of it. If we sedate you, you might not even feel anything. It's worth a try, right? I'll get it right now, and - "
"No!"
" - I'll change you, just like I promised. After you married me, that was the deal, right?"
"Edward, that'll kill him. No."
"I'll change you. I will. And three days from now, when you wake, we'll start our eternity together - "
"Stop. Don't do this now." She pulled her face from my hands while I tried to keep her eyes locked on mine.
" - and if you decide you still want kids, well, we can adopt, just like you said, right?" I tasted my flowing venom and was aware of an excited tremor in my stomach, but ignored my body's reaction to the idea of tasting Bella's blood again. I refused to enjoy it, didn't plan on drinking it. Vaguely aware that the rest of the family had joined us in the living room, that Rose was pulling ineffectively on my shoulders while calling for Emmett's help, I twined my fingers with Bella's and concentrated on memorizing her face, her chocolate eyes, the sound of her racing heart, the smell of her breath.
"I don't want some stranger's baby. No. I want this one."
I lost control of my voice and heard it breaking as I babbled, "I loved you without killing you, just like you said I would - "
"Edward - "
" - and I'll keep you from killing - "
"No." Bella tried to pull her hand from my grasp where I was tracing the scar James's teeth had left.
" - and I'll love you every single day of forever - "
"Not now! No."
" - and when you're ready, we'll go to Dartmouth - "
"Edward - "
I rubbed her wrist against my cheek, feeling the hot, fast pulse against my cold skin. " - or we can travel first. You wanted to see the world. Well, let's start now. Right now. I'll take you wherever you want to go. We'll leave as soon as you wake!"
She put a finger over my lips, stopping my desperate words. "You can't change me. No."
"You... you don't want me to change you into a vampire?" I stuttered in confusion.
"Edward, please. I'm sorry, but no!"
"No." I repeated the word, but it made no sense to me. I was offering her everything she'd ever asked me for, and still she chose the demon child. She had always chosen me. Always. That she wasn't doing so now was incomprehensible.
Though he'd supported Rosalie's decision to help Bella, Emmett hadn't joined her attempt to pull me away from my pregnant wife. Seeing that I wasn't going to bite her without her permission, Rose gave up on trying to move me and settled for glaring at me in anger. I didn't meet her eyes and ignored her thoughts, concentrating on reading Bella's face.
She shook her head as tears glistened in her beautiful chocolate eyes. They spilled over and ran down her cheeks as she said, "Don't do this."
"How many times have you asked me to change you? Do you know the exact number? Because I do."
"That's not the point."
"No," I said fiercely. "The point was that you loved me, as I love you."
She placed her warm hands on my cheeks. "That hasn't changed."
I could feel my eyes burning and prickling, but my body wasn't capable of producing tears. My words no longer flowing and fast, I had to force my mouth to say them. "You said there was no point in forever without me. That you wouldn't want even one day without me. Do you imagine that I feel any differently about spending forever without you?"
She tore her eyes from mine at last, her mouth twisting down. "I know you don't."
"But that doesn't change anything. Does it."
"The only thing that's changed is that I love you more now than I ever have before."
"How can you say that when you're choosing that over me?" I demanded, gesturing toward her growing stomach.
"I'm not!"
"Well you can't have us both, Bella. Either you live or you both die."
"You're wrong."
"I can see the toll this pregnancy is having on you already, and it's only been a couple of weeks! At the rate you're going, you are not going to survive long enough to have it."
"It's not going to happen like that, Bella," Rose countered quickly. "Carlisle will figure out what you need, and everything will be fine."
I ignored her interruption, unwilling to fight with my sister again. "When you die, and it does too, what would have been the point, then? Hmm?"
Bella spoke slowly, seeming to search for each word. "I know you saw Kaure thinking of some legend, but I don't believe what she had heard of is the same. There's never been anything like you and me before."
"You think not? The only reason you haven't heard of it is because the women were killed or changed before their seed had taken root."
"That proves my point. What we have is different. Special. Just like our baby is. Don't you see?"
"What I see is your life being slowly sucked out of you by a miniature vampire! What I see is it hurting you. Look!" I ripped the shirt covering her swollen stomach aside, exposing the bruises the demon had left.
"He's just strong." To my horror, she smiled proudly and gently patted her belly.
"Yes. It is. And it's getting stronger every minute. And by the time it's done growing, it'll be unstoppable."
Bella rolled her eyes and made a disgusted sound in the back of her throat. "Edward. Was Emmett unstoppable?"
"Shall I tell you all of the people he killed? I could show you their names and pictures if you'd like. Their disappearances are a part of public record."
Emmett held up his hands and took a step back. "Hey, don't bring me into this."
"Do you think we didn't try to stop him? Try and fail?"
Stubbornly, Bella shook her head. "Carlisle didn't have anyone to stop him, but he's never killed."
"But I was no infant when I was changed, Bella."
"But you still did it."
Grateful that my father, at least, was willing to fight with her, I watched her face carefully as he spoke. "You could argue that I am to blame for the death of every human that has been killed by a member of this family."
"No. Carlisle, I don't believe that."
"Those humans would have lived if I had not made the decision to turn four dying people into vampires."
"That's ridiculous. And besides, if you're responsible for the ones Edward killed, then you're also responsible for the ones he saved, and I know that number is the greater one."
"The ends don't justify the means, Bella," he said gently.
"No," I agreed. "They didn't."
"Well, what about the people you save at the hospital? If one of them was to go on a killing spree, or even just," she swallowed hard and gestured vaguely, "kill someone accidentally in a car crash or something, would you be held accountable for having saved their lives?"
"If I had known what they were planning? Absolutely."
"Carlisle." Esme shook her head and placed a hand on his arm. "I'll not have you accept guilt by proxy. Bella is right. Our accidents, and our choices, were not yours."
"We are all responsible for our choices. I have long ago accepted responsibility for those that I have made. Before I changed any of you, before I ever laid eyes on Edward, I accepted that I would be responsible for any humans who might be killed by a child whom I created. Are you willing to accept the same responsibility, Bella? Do you want to be responsible for human deaths brought about by your child?"
Bella scoffed. "You're vampires! There are seven of you, and will be eight when I'm changed, too. You defeated an army! Don't try to tell me we can't control a single infant, no matter how strong he is."
"It took a castle and an entire guard to restrain the children the Volturi had in their care, and unlike us, they did not care about human lives lost."
"Yes." I nodded vigorously. "You've witnessed their methods, Bella. You remember the tour group. The one you saw fed a dozen vampires that day. A single immortal child could have finished off that group and still been looking for more after! Children know no restraint. They live only in the moment and will not care about our reasons for abstaining or even for practicing moderation."
What little color her face had faded at the mention of our visit to Italy.
Carlisle pressed my point. "Edward is right. It is that which made the immortal children so dangerous, and is why their creation is forbidden."
"That's enough. All this arguing isn't good for Bella. You need to drop it now," Rose insisted, glaring first at me, and then at Carlisle. "Both of you."
Snapping at my sister, I said, "So letting her die is better for her?"
"No! Not adding to her stress is better for her! Supporting her, helping her so that she doesn't die, is better for her!"
"I wish I knew what to say to convince you, Edward," Bella whispered as she sank back into the couch cushions, her glassy eyes confirming what Rose had said.
"I wish the same thing about you," I whispered back.
We held each other's eyes for a long moment before I saw something flicker in them. She leaned forward and placed her fingertips against my cheek, just under my eye. I couldn't hold back the gasp that escaped me at her light touch. She slowly let her fingers trail down my face, tracing my jaw.
"Please, Edward? Please? Don't be scared. I'll be fine. Everything will be fine," she crooned.
The power of her hold over me was so complete that I nearly gave in just at her touch. If I hadn't been so convinced that she was wrong, I would have allowed her to sway me. But although she had been right at every turn in the past, this time, I knew that she was not. How could she be? Slowly I shook my head. "No, Bella. It won't."
So fast that she couldn't have seen me move, I fled the house. I didn't stop until I was miles into the forest that surrounded our home. When I was well beyond where I could hear my family's thoughts, I knew I was also beyond where they could hear me. Sinking to my knees, I wrapped my arms around my chest and gave in to the pain and fear I felt at losing her.
