25. Desperate Times
Carlisle followed my scent through the forest until he found where I sat with my back against a tree. He had walked slowly, giving me the time I needed to pull myself back together before he saw me. He lowered himself down against another tree so that he sat facing me and waited for me to either say something or get up and storm away. The last was only a half-formed thought, an expectation that flickered briefly through his mind and passed just as quickly when I remained seated.
Patient as ever, he closed his eyes with a sigh and rested his hands on his knees, prepared to wait as long as necessary. He tilted his face to catch what little sunlight the canopy of leaves allowed through and concentrated on the sounds of the forest around us. His mind was blessedly clear of the inner ramblings I had to listen to from most people, and I knew it was for my benefit that he had made it so.
Grateful that, of all the beings in the world, it had been Carlisle who had chosen to make me his son, I took a breath at last and began to speak with a moan. "I don't know what to do. She won't listen to me. She won't listen to you. She can't even see that it is killing her! How can I save her when she refuses to be saved?"
"The IV fluids have slowed her decline," he said softly.
"Slowed. Not halted. Not reversed."
"No."
"And not enough. She's getting weaker. By tomorrow, she won't even be able to climb the stairs."
"The fetus's rate of growth is increasing. It was less than a week's worth per day when first I examined her. Now, the ratio is almost exactly one to one. Another week from now?" He shook his head, amazed at the demon's quick progression.
Human women need time for their bodies to make the adjustments that hers is making. Their skin stretches, their joints loosen and shift, their organs move to give the growing child room. Even at a normal rate of growth, these changes are often uncomfortable at best. It is no wonder she is hurting, though she refuses to admit it.
"Of course she won't admit it. She'll just keep turning a blind eye toward anything that would add sustenance to our arguments."
Have you considered doing as Rosalie has suggested and supporting her?
I gaped at him, appalled.
She could use your help, Edward.
"I won't help her kill herself."
She does not see it that way.
"But that's the way it is! You know that thing is going to kill her just as surely as I do!"
"Do I?" But if it does, is this how you want to spend her last weeks? Fighting?
"I'll never stop fighting for her life. Never."
And she will never stop fighting for her child's. If she is to have any chance at surviving, I think having your help is essential.
Sullenly, I muttered, "She has Rose to help her get around. She's the one Bella looked to for help, not me."
Because my daughter-in-law knows her husband as well as I do.
I could hear the rudeness of my voice but didn't bother to censor it as I spoke through my teeth. "And what is it that you both know?"
"My son, you have a way of looking at the world that is..." Carlisle pressed his lips together and exhaled sharply through his nose. ...not ...entirely accurate.
"I am a vampire. I got my human wife pregnant. The thing I planted is growing inside her - and quickly - and is killing her while we watch. Which part of that is not accurate?"
"So stop watching and start helping."
"She won't let me! I've been trying to convince her to get rid of it from the start."
"Exactly! That is not helping her."
I sneered at hearing him reiterate Rosalie's argument.
"Remember your medical training, Edward. How a patient sees their potential for recovery often has a direct affect on how well they recover. If you could... be her rock to lean on, her chances would greatly improve. Bella needs you." Deliberately, he pictured the way her face had looked after I made my escape from the house.
Groaning, I grabbed my hair in my hands. I always hurt her! I hurt her by staying. I hurt her by leaving.
The only times I hadn't hurt her were when I had given in to what my nature had told me to do, when I'd stopped trying to protect her from myself, and indulged in the joys of loving Bella. I'd made her happy by agreeing to make love to her and by agreeing to change her after. Our last week on the island had been the best in my entire existence, filled with Bella's smiles and laughter.
If I had changed her when she'd first asked, she'd be a vampire by now, our eternity together secured regardless of what name she bore. If I hadn't demanded that she marry me first, I could have been making love to her right this very moment!
As I'd pointed out to Carlisle, I was a vampire. By my very nature, I was a demon, a damned creature. I'd tried to do the right thing, but every time, it had turned out wrong. The more I tried to do right, the worse I made things.
What business had I in doing right, then? I warped every good thing I touched, including and especially Bella. Perhaps it was time to stop fighting my nature. The harder I fought to do good, to be good, the more damage I did. Surely Bella's pregnancy proved that. The creation of an immortal child was bad even by vampire standards.
Any other vampire would have turned Bella long ago. Rosalie had said so herself.
Any other vampire would not tolerate the existence of a demon child growing within his mate. Jasper surely would not.
Any other vampire would see to it that the fetus was destroyed. Even Carlisle had been trying to convince her to do so.
Carlisle had told me to remember my medical training. Well, I did. I remembered that there were times when it was necessary for a spouse to make a medical decision for their loved one. When one was incapable of making those choices for themselves, it was up to the other to do it for them.
Bella wasn't thinking clearly. That much was obvious, even to Carlisle. Hadn't he commented on the way the fetus seemed to have influenced her decisions?
She hadn't wanted children before its conception. Somehow, the one inside of her was affecting her, altering her judgment. When it was gone, and she was away from its evil influence, no doubt she would return to normal and be appalled at how it had taken over and nearly ended her life.
As a husband, it was my duty to protect my wife. As a vampire, it was my duty to destroy the immortal child. As a Cullen, I had access to the medical supplies which Carlisle was able to provide. As a doctor, Carlisle was prevented from acting when his patient had told him not to, but as a man with medical training who was not a doctor, I had the knowledge to do what was necessary without the limitation of a sworn oath. In any event, the vows which made me Bella's husband overrode any other kind of oath I may have taken.
Rosalie would never allow what I was contemplating. Since it was directly involving the demon, I doubted Alice would be able to see it. Esme would be furious that I wanted to go so completely against Bella's expressed wishes. Jasper would approve of my willingness to protect my wife and our family. Emmett would be angry for Rosalie's sake, but he had never shied away from taking a risk or protecting our family. Carlisle...
What are you thinking, Edward?
I glanced at him and saw my calculating expression in his mind. That I was forming a plan was obvious to him. If I tried to deny it, he would know I was lying.
"You don't believe in taking lives."
"No, I do not."
"You're a doctor. You save lives."
"To the best of my ability."
"Even Esme, if she hadn't been dying, you would never have taken her from her life, would never have turned her into a vampire."
"No."
"Even more, you chose to leave her a human at sixteen rather than change her."
A flicker of pain crossed his face at what those years had cost her, but he said, "Yes."
I nodded absently. Just as I had tried to leave Bella. But he and Esme hadn't been in love when he'd left her, and it still hadn't worked for them. She had never been able to forget the gentle doctor she'd met, especially in the wake of her disastrous marriage.
"But when she was dying..."
"Edward!" His eyes were wide and full of worry. What are you thinking?
"The thing inside Bella is alive. Even though you don't take lives, if Bella were not opposed to the idea, would you have been willing to kill it?"
"If she had allowed me to remove it, I would have done so already."
I nodded to myself again. Carlisle wanted the creature dead, too. He'd been arguing my case to Bella all along. And my Bella was already dying. Just as I had been when he'd changed me. Just like Esme and Rose and Emmett had been.
"Bella is dying," I whispered, the words raking from my throat like they were made of fire.
"I am doing everything in my power to prevent that from happening."
"Not yet, you're not."
"What do you mean by that?"
Without answering, I stood up and strode toward our house.
"Edward," he insisted as he hastened to my side. "What did you mean?"
I kept walking, my steps steady and purposeful, forcing him to keep pace with me or be left behind. "There's only one way to save her: the same thing that saved Esme, Rosalie, Emmett, and me."
"You already offered to change her, and she said 'no'."
"That's why I'm not going to do it. You will."
He stopped walking. "Pardon?"
"You've already agreed," I reminded him as I calmly continued walking home.
"Not without her permission."
"She's already given it."
"She rescinded it!"
"Not so. She said she didn't want me to change her. She didn't say anything about you."
"No. She said she did not want to be changed. It was implied that I was included in that statement."
"Her reversal doesn't count."
"Do you think that Bella is not allowed to change her mind? Have you not being trying to get her to do exactly that for months now?"
"Yes!" I hissed. "And despite my protests, you entered into an agreement with her to change her when she was not under any outside influence. Contracts are null and void when not made with all parties sound in mind and body, which, currently, Bella is decidedly not. Any questionable decisions she makes now are not binding, and dying for it is certainly not in anyone's best interests."
As if out of thin air, he appeared directly in front of me. "No. Absolutely not!"
I growled, "That thing is affecting her mind! She's not thinking clearly!"
"Neither are you!"
Making certain to keep my voice even, I shook my head calmly. "On the contrary, Carlisle. I'm the only one in this family who seems to be capable of thinking clearly."
"You cannot tell me you are being objective."
"That's not the same thing."
"It is close enough! You think her mind is clouded by the presence of the fetus, but your mind is being clouded by your feelings for her."
I tried to step around him, but he blocked my path with his body. "Get out of my way."
"I do not think so. You are talking about what? Me changing her whether she wants it or not?" Although my gentle father rarely needed to raise his voice to any of us, he got right into my face, our noses inches apart, and shouted in a volume that was almost painful to my ears, "Have you utterly lost your mind?"
In contrast, my voice was a mere whisper. "I'm not talking about you doing anything you haven't done before, Carlisle. Did you have my permission to turn me into a vampire? I think not."
As though my words had been a physical blow, he sucked in a sharp breath and took a few steps back from me. "You were not exactly in any condition to ask at the time. It was either change you or allow you to die. Aside from that, your mother did ask me to save you."
Infuriated, yet oddly grateful to have an outlet for my anger, I spat, "Well, I'm Bella's husband! How is that any different?"
"The difference is that Bella has said 'no'!"
"I hate being a vampire, but you did it, and there is nothing I can do about it!"
As I spoke, l began gesturing wildly, slapping my chest and stabbing a finger into his face or back toward the house. Shock filled his eyes, but I refused to give up on the best hope I had to save Bella, just to spare his feelings.
"It is in Esme's nature to make the best of things, so when you changed her, she forgave you, even after she accidentally killed random strangers. And you did it again when you changed Rosalie for me, though you never bothered to find out how I felt about the idea first. And although she hates being a vampire almost as much as I do, you did it once more when she asked you to change Emmett, only that time you were lucky enough that he didn't mind.
"Jasper had about as much control as a newborn when he and Alice joined us, but you welcomed them with open arms. Do you remember who he killed in their first year with us? And how many more times since then? Have you forgotten that he very nearly killed Bella, too?"
He opened his mouth to retort, but I didn't give him the opportunity.
"Every one of us has killed, and you know it! You knew exactly what the consequences were ahead of time, but still you saw fit to change us. Time and again Bella has begged to join us. Even knowing that changing her will result in yet more human deaths, still - still! - you agreed to do so though I begged you not to. Well, now our positions are reversed, and I'm the one asking that she be changed, but the difference is that, unlike Bella, I am not being controlled by some demon creature within me."
"No!" He took advantage of the momentary pause in my rant. "You are being controlled by fear, which is a far more insidious monster than the one she is carrying."
"Yes, I'm afraid! And you should be, too! You know first hand what that child will be like. By the time it tears itself from her body, she'll be beyond saving, and then what?
"Charlie has already called half a dozen times since we've been home wondering when he can see Bella. The exotic disease excuse you've been feeding him will only hold him off for so long. Do you think he's just going to stop asking about her? And what about when she dies? How exactly are you planning on disposing of her body? Will you fake an accident? And all while trying to control the monster she birthed? What happens when Charlie stops calling and comes by to visit? Do you want his death on your head, too?"
My father's eyes were wide, and he shook his head slightly. No. Of course not.
"And what about mine? You know I won't survive losing her. Either we kill it and change her now, or my death, Bella's, and Charlie's will only be the beginning. What about when it starts hurting Esme? Do you want it tearing her limbs off as she tries to restrain it? Alice can't even see it. You'll have no way of predicting or anticipating its actions other than the knowledge that killing is what it does, and what it will continue to do."
Against his will, the picture I had painted flashed through his mind: Esme harmed by the creature that she and Rosalie loved. Boredom was a problem for all vampires, and the immortal children were no exception. Adorable though the children were, their attention span was far too short for the limitless energy they had. I saw him remember their constant attempts to evade their captors, and the many humans it had taken to keep them entertained. He imagined the growing number of human disappearances in Forks, and then in whatever city we inflicted ourselves upon next.
I pressed my advantage. "You know it won't take the Quileutes long to figure out that there is a newborn vampire causing the deaths. They will think it's Bella at first. Even if the Volturi don't see what's happening right away, the wolves will, and when they discover what is truly causing the deaths, they are sure to put an end to it.
"It's going to die, Carlisle. Either by the Volturi, the wolves, by your hand or mine, but one way or another, it's not going to live for long. Why keep it alive now? Why sacrifice Bella's life, and all of ours'?"
I closed the slight distance between us to grip his arm in a desperate effort to convince him to act at last. "Help me, Carlisle. You save lives. That's all I'm asking you to do. Save hers. Please." My last word came out as a whisper, all the angry energy gone from my voice and body.
He looked away from me, but that didn't stop me from hearing my own voice, saying words which I knew he had always feared. My heart twisted at the pain I had deliberately inflicted upon my father. Ever the rash teenager, I had spewed the vitriol of a century at him, and regretted the words the moment they'd left my mouth, but if they convinced him to save my beloved Bella, I could beg his forgiveness later.
Eventually he met my eyes again, and when he did, his were sad.
"I am sorry, Edward. I do not want the fetus to kill her, nor any other humans. I do not want you to die, my son, nor do I want any of our family harmed, but taking it from her against her will, changing her when she has specifically said not to do so... It would be reprehensible. No."
"No," I repeated.
"No," he insisted firmly.
I took a deep breath and let it out in a gust before beginning to walk again. "Fine."
"What are you doing?"
"Do you expect me to stay in the forest? I'm going home."
"Perhaps I should have asked what you are planning, instead."
"I don't know. Nothing. I'm going home to watch Bella starve to death. How's that for a plan?"
"Edward..."
"Leave me alone, Carlisle." I broke into a sprint, certain that he would continue to match my stride.
