Chapter 4

The moment she heard the knock at the door Sam's heart stopped for a second just to pound twice as hard in the next. She got up from the couch very quickly to think as little as possible about what was about to happen. Dizziness rose in her, but that didn't stop her from going to the door and opening it slowly.

"Hey!" she said with a thin voice.

"Hey!" Martin answered his lips forming a soft smile.

She held the door open for him to enter and took a deep breath before closing it again. This breath was necessary to calm herself, because she had already begun to feel the temptation once she had set her eyes on him.

"Why don't you give me your jacket?" she offered and stretched out her hand for it.

"Sure." He took it off and handed it over to her while he scrutinized her carefully.

She still seemed to be the old Sam, but as if she had lost all of her energy. Her eyes looked tired, her face pale and all of her movements appeared to be a little slower than usual.

The three weeks seemed to have been harder on her than on him, but he had had work to distract his thoughts. She had been surrounded by them 24/7.

"Take a seat. Would like anything to drink?"

"No, thanks, I'm fine." He sat down on the couch.

Sam sat down next to him and an awkward silence began to fill the room.

"And how are things at work?" she desperately tried to find something to talk about so she wouldn't have to begin with what had been on her mind the past weeks.

"Same as always. People are missing, we find them." He shrugged not willing to pick up the unwanted topic himself.

"And the others? How are they?" The only one from the team she had spoken to in three weeks was Danny who had called to ask how she was.

"They are fine. Jack's a little on edge lately, but apart from that everything is fine."

Sam nodded slowly and pulled her legs on the couch so she could sit cross-legged with her back resting against the arm and her face turned to him.

Again there was silence and Sam began to chew on her lower lip.

Martin sighed. He knew it was up to him to begin this.

"But I suppose work and the others are not the reason I'm here now, are they?"

Sam was a little surprised. She had suspected to dance around this conversation a little longer. Her eyes met his for a second and then she quickly shifted her gaze on her hands.

"No, I suppose they're not."

"Look," Martin began, "what happened at the evening of Jack's party was a mistake."

Sam's gaze was stuck on her hands which were playing with each other nervously. She couldn't quite make out the meaning of what he had said. Did he mean that sleeping with her had been a mistake in the sense that it had been the wrong way to be with her or that being with her in general had been a mistake?

"Sam, look at me..." he said while his right hand gently forced her to look at him.

She felt his warm hand touching her chin and a moment later their eyes met again.

He sensed that she wasn't going to say anything so he continued.

"I know I hurt you, okay?"

She shook her head.

"You didn't hurt me. It's far more complicated than that."

"Why did you run away without saying a word then? And why did you refuse to talk to me? Instead you took your vacation and left me sick with worry."

She was taken aback by the harshness in his voice. He was hurt and she knew that, but she hadn't expected him to be that frustrated.

"I know." She paused, took a deep breath, but didn't continue.

"Sam, you have to talk to me otherwise this will lead to nothing. I'm beginning to wonder what I came here for." He knew this was unfair and he regretted what he had said the moment it was out.

He saw a tear silently rolling down her cheek, but he didn't have time to apologize.

"I was afraid I guess." She blurted out and the tear fell on her hand, but was quickly replaced by another one.

She left her place on the couch and walked towards the window. It was dark outside and it had begun to rain. The soft thudding of the raindrops against the glass helped her calm a bit.

Martin had got up as well and was standing right behind her. She could see his reflection in the window.

"I'm sorry. That was dumb." He said.

She nodded in agreement, but then turned around and could even give him a forgiving smile. Relief was written in big letters all over his face, but he remained silent for fear of making things worse.

"I was afraid of...", Sam finally began, "well actually I was afraid of everything. Of what this meant to you or better what this didn't mean to you and what you must think of me now, of what kind of influence this would have on the friendship we have, of having a conversation like this..." She wiped away the tears while she spoke, but new ones began to stream and she couldn't suppress her sobs. He took one step towards her and pulled her in his embrace.

"Shh." He gently swayed her in his arms trying to comfort her. There was a long silence before he spoke again.

"You don't need to be afraid of anything. Especially not of what I must think of you or what this meant to me. Do you think it would have come to all of this if I didn't care about you? This thing after Jack's party happened, because you are the most important person in my life who means more to me than I could express in words. And the only thing I regret from this evening is that I expressed my feelings in a way so that you had to be afraid of anything."

He could sense her breath against his shoulder. She didn't move, but he felt her arms tighten around him.

"Really?" she mumbled into his shirt.

He had to laugh at that.

"Of course. You think I make this up?"

She turned her head to look into his face.

"With you I never know for sure." She smiled under her tears. He used his thumb to wipe them away. Sam's face went serious again.

"What is it?" he asked.

"It's just... there always seems to be something in the way which keeps this from working. And..." She paused and buried her face in his shoulder again. "You know if this doesn't work out I feel like I'm gonna lose you... not only like this, but also as a friend. And I'm not sure I could deal with that."

He gently caressed her hair.

"Then I suggest we just get rid of that something quickly. We could try to scare it away with a badge and your gun. Maybe this will work."

She chuckled silently although this hadn't been particularly funny.

"Yeah, maybe. But I really want this to work this time."

"Then it will." He assured her and placed a kiss on her forehead.

They stood like that for a while listening to the sound of the rain thudding against the window when Martin's stomach began to protest that he hadn't had anything to eat yet.

Sam giggled when she heard the strange noise.

"You hungry?" She asked teasingly. Her voice still revealed that she had cried.

"Could be." He answered.

"Should we change that?"

"I would really hate to let go of you, you know..."

Sam freed herself from his embrace.

"And I would really hate to see you starve. I'm gonna make you a sandwich and be back in a sec."

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"You feeling better now?" Sam asked when Martin had swallowed down the last piece of his sandwich.

She had found back to her old position - her back against the armrest, her legs crossed - so she could face him.

"Yeah, thanks." He nodded.

They remained silent for a while.

Sam couldn't really relax in his presence and she was sure that Martin felt very similar about it. She could sense his growing uneasiness as if there was still something like a wall between them they hadn't broken through yet.

"Why is it I can't seem to get rid of the feeling there are still some things that need to be said?" Sam finally broke the silence.

Martin shrugged.

"It would have been too easy." He smiled sadly.

"It's just..." she carefully considered her words, "I don't want it to be like the last time. I..." she shrugged searching for the right way to put it. "I had the feeling it brought more pain to both of us than anything else."

"You're probably right. It was frustrating from time to time, because things didn't work the way they should have."

Sam knew exactly what he meant: Her fear of committing. But she knew that this was not supposed to be a reproach.

"I...maybe we should just talk about those things in the future. I once heard a person say that talking is a good basis for a relationship..." She smiled and changed her position so she could lie her head on his lap.

"Must have been a clever person." He smiled back and began to play with her hair.

"But I know one thing for sure," she paused to make sure she had his full attention, "I don't want to be without you."

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Sam had fallen asleep her head still resting on his lap. Her features looked so at peace that Martin regretted he had to wake her, but he had to go to work in the morning and he needed some sleep before that.

He waited for a minute longer to enjoy her closeness. It felt so good to be near her again, to watch her sleep. She didn't seem to be so calm and content at any time of the day. Watching her like that had always made everything seem so easy and free of worry when they had been together about a year ago. He hoped that this time not only moments like this would give him this feeling. But he had every faith in them.

"Hey, beautiful..." He whispered. Sam didn't even stir.

"Hey..." He started another attempt this time touching her face gently. There was no reaction.

He sighed and carefully raised her head so he could get up. Then he let it sink on the couch.

Sam was still sound asleep. She probably hadn't had a good nights sleep in days.

Martin opened the door to her bedroom and went back to the couch to get her. He lifted her up into his arms. This time she woke, but only to wrap her arms around his neck. She mumbled something he didn't understand and went back to sleep.

He carried her to her room carefully placing her on the bed. She already wore a comfortable outfit she could sleep in so he just tuck her up with a blanket. He placed a good-night-kiss on her lips and was just about to leave when he heard her stir.

"Don't leave... I don't want to be alone." Her voice was merely a whisper and Martin wasn't even sure she knew what she had said, but he nodded.

"Okay." He said taking off his shoes and lying down beside her.

With a content yawn Sam turned and snuggled against him.

End Chapter 4...

A/N: ...But that's NOT the end of the story:) That was pretty much a The Fray inspired chapter... I listened to "How to save a life" and especially "Look after you" a lot... Let me know what you think so far...