51. Eternity
Eternity.
Once it had weighed upon me like a mountain I could never shift. An endless, monotonous repetition of the same day of my life - more or less - with no achievements to claim from my past and nothing to amount to in the future. The world went about its daily routines, made forward progress in leaps and bounds, while I languished, a useless relic from days long gone, little more than a placeholder, frozen in time.
Shadows crept across the floor, attesting to the fact that time was indeed passing, whether I took notice of it or not.
Bella had yet to stir, but her heart continued to beat hard and fast. The venom had spread to convert much of her skin into the crystalline stuff of which vampires were made. She had lost the rosy blush of life already, but the pale white skin she wore now looked less like dead flesh than mine had always seemed to.
It was almost as though she were finally achieving her natural state, a glistening goddess with a mane of rich, chestnut hair. She had cast off her mortal coil to enter the realm of the eternal. Some might say the eternally damned, but even if that were true, something that I had finally begun to disbelieve, could one truly be damned without one's soul?
I certainly didn't feel damned. The blessings that I had been granted were numerous, especially the girl who had given her heart to me. The girl who knew what I was and loved me anyway. The girl whom I thought I had been fated to kill, but who had instead, brought me back to life.
Bella would wake, she would, and we would spend a blissful eternity together. The world could bustle and harry, but no longer would I wallow. No, now I would savor each and every glorious day. Well, once these next few were over.
"Bella? Bella, love?"
Was she aware at all? I only prayed the morphine was able to keep her consciousness suppressed for as long as possible. As endless as this waiting was, it would be so much worse when she lost the drug's protection and the waiting turned to screaming. Would she plead for death as I had done?
My transformation and every day since were vivid memories, but I could recall so little of my human years. How much of our few months together would she remember? Would she remember why I had condemned her to the burning change she was currently undergoing? The days of her life had flown by with indecent haste, until now, when the seconds stretched like years while Bella lay unresponsive.
But time did pass. Even for vampires.
"Are you listening to me?"
"Yes, Carlisle. I heard you, but the answer is no."
"Excuse me?"
"I'm not leaving her."
Going into our yard is hardly leaving her.
"Doesn't matter."
She is not going anywhere, and we need your help.
"No you don't."
How else are we to communicate with them?
"Simply speak. They'll be able to understand you perfectly fine."
"Communication is a two-way street, son."
"Then tell Sam to drop his prejudices. Tell him if he hasn't the courtesy and courage to talk to you like a man, he can slink home with his tail between his legs. If neither of those options appeal, I suppose he can remain a wolf and come up here, but I am not leaving Bella."
Having no intention of being so rude, Carlisle sighed his frustration, but recognized that arguing with me was pointless and left.
He didn't understand, and I doubted any of them truly did. It wasn't so much that I feared she would wake and find me gone, though that would have been unforgivable, but I couldn't stand to miss even the smallest of changes.
The pregnancy had drained her body of its resources. She had lost all her gentle curves. The dress Alice had chosen hung from Bella's frame where it would not have before. The bodice was loose and the shoulder straps gaped away from her skin.
Only now, it seemed she had not lost as much weight.
Or was I imagining that her breasts were a bit fuller? Or that her arms were no longer quite so stick-like? The pregnancy had ravaged her. Of course, she looked beautiful to me, yet it seemed the venom was doing more to restore her health than simply mending broken bones and flesh. Or was that wishful thinking? I would love her regardless, but I did so long to cup her full curves once again.
Bella's heart continued to race. It never faltered, and never slowed, and neither did her shallow, rapid breaths change speed or depth. I ached to gather her into my arms, but her bones had yet to knit. It was best that I leave her alone, and not disturb what peace she was able to find just to satisfy my own selfish needs.
"Welp, that's settled."
Beside his rather self-satisfied smirk, Jacob was back to wearing ripped pants and was no longer dressed in my brother's hand-me-downs. I supposed I should be grateful he had a shirt on for once, but it only seemed to illustrate his disdain for Bella's condition that he had bothered to go home to change into his own clothes when there were more than enough here he could have worn.
"So, she's safe now."
For some reason, it irritated me that the she he was worried about was not Bella. After all those months he had spent trying to win her from me, I should have been relieved his desire for her was gone. I was not ungrateful that he had helped to mend things between the packs and my family, but not a one of them had seemed concerned with Bella at all. I supposed it was true that they had never actually witnessed what a normal transformation looked and sounded like, but they had stories, did they not? They had told Bella more than one legend about the cold ones.
"And I got them to lay off about you changing Bella. You were right about that; they couldn't say anything, and anyways, Bella wanted this, right?"
Had she truly? She had wanted eternity with me, but she couldn't have understood the full price of that future, a price that she had not even begun to appreciate while human. Now that she was paying it, did she still feel I was worth it? Or did she hate me for being too weak to let her go?
"Hellooo? Earth to Edward."
"What is it, Jacob?" I said testily.
If I had wanted to engage him in conversation, didn't he think I would have? There was plenty I could have been saying to him, but none of it seemed important in the face of Bella's condition. I moved aside a strand of hair that was out of place from when I'd had my face buried in it. Tucked behind her ear, it no longer fluttered from her breaths. I patted a few others back into place, just as an excuse to touch her hair again.
"I'd think you'd be happy. Isn't this what you always wanted?"
"No," I whispered. "I never wanted her to have to go through this."
Go through what, exactly?
"Hello?" I sneered. "Earth to Jacob? Bella is changing into a vampire right now! Or hadn't you noticed? I suppose in your obsession with my daughter, you don't even care about Bella at all anymore?"
"But..." His expression was almost comical as he blinked at me in confusion. ...she's just laying there...
"So it would seem," I sighed.
I mean, it can't be that bad. Bella's not that good of an actress.
"No."
He inched into the room and remembered the conversation they had shared about our honeymoon. ...so ...when does the writhing in pain part start?
I sucked in a sharp breath, but didn't answer. How could I tell him that it should have started already? She should, right this second, be in unbearable, timeless agony.
My hands clenched into fists. Why was she so still? What was wrong? I must have done something wrong. Perhaps I should not have injected venom into her heart. That wasn't how vampires were made! It had been a stupid idea, and I had compounded my stupidity by gaping at Renesmee instead of tending to the human girl standing at the threshold of death's door.
Indeed, she had done more than stand at its threshold, she had crossed over. She had died. Had she crossed back? Would she live again?
"How soon before she'll, you know, stop wanting to kill people?"
"I don't know, dog; I'm tempted to kill you right now, so what do you think?"
"Nice. I meant - "
"I know what you meant," I interrupted, then relented with another sigh. "The first year is the hardest, but every vampire is different. Jasper's older than I am, and he still struggles."
"So she won't be able to see Ren-Renesmee for years?"
"What? No, of course she will see her!"
"But not right away."
"Yes, right away!"
"But she's alive."
"Yes," I said with great pleasure. "Renesmee is alive."
"Aaaaand I'd think you want her to stay that way?"
"Bella will not hurt her."
"You can't know that," he protested, but it sounded less like he was arguing than begging for reassurance.
"Certainly, I can. Bella is the strongest, most stubborn creature to have ever existed. She will not hurt her because she will not want to."
"But what if it doesn't work that way?"
Smirking, I thought of our honeymoon and how, despite everyone else's beliefs, I had not caused her any lasting harm for that very same reason. I never wanted to hurt Bella; I wanted to protect her from every threat, including myself.
"It will," I said calmly.
"But what if - "
"Jacob," I moaned and rubbed my forehead.
"Look, I just mean, how can you be sure? Those newborns we fought weren't new new, but they were crazed, blood-thirsty, and out of control." ...like Bella will be.
"Do you think we don't know that?" I snapped at last. "Do you think any of us would ever let anything happen to Renesmee? Bella would never forgive herself if she were to hurt our only daughter, and she is going to live forever! Do you think I want that kind of guilt hanging over her head for the rest of time? I know Bella will not hurt our daughter because I would not. I know exactly what it feels like to be a newborn vampire, something you cannot claim. After she hunts, we will see how she feels, and if she thinks she needs to wait, we will. But when she believes she is ready to meet her own daughter, I will not stop her."
"Will she be able to think?"
"Yes."
"Just like that?"
"Excuse me?"
"Just..."
He had crept closer to me as we talked until now, he actually reached out to grip my arm. It was like holding my arm to a branding iron, and I had to fight my automatic desire to fling him away, but he seemed not to notice that he was touching me at all.
"You can't read her mind. You knew when Blondie lost it, but it won't be like that with Bella, and she'll be stronger than you. So, what if? Huh? What if she can't help it and tries to go after her?"
I tried to make my tone as persuasive as possible. "Then we will stop her."
"But how will you know? Alice wouldn't be able to see it happening."
"Jacob," I groaned in irritation.
His hand fell away from my arm, and he didn't speak, but his mind conjured an image of Bella sprinting toward our house, tossing one member of my family over her shoulder after another, like a quarterback determined to make the winning touchdown.
"Jacob," I said again, gentler this time. "Between Jasper, Carlisle, and myself, we have raised our share of newborn vampires; we know what to expect. I will not allow Bella to kill anything other than animals, and especially not the child she fought so hard to bring into this world."
What about Jacob?
"What about Jacob?" I repeated.
You gonna let her kill him?
"She wouldn't."
"Uh, who are you talking to?"
"Emmett thinks it's more likely she'll go after you than anyone else."
"Right. The whole imprinting on a baby thing."
"Yes. The whole imprinting on our baby... thing."
He laughed nervously. "You don't think she'd approve?"
"I don't."
Don't what? Approve? Or think she will?
"Either. Both."
"Emmett," Carlisle said as he strolled into the exam room, "Bella is a selfless person, and Jacob has long been her friend."
Esme chose not to speak, but thought my name in deliberate disapproval of my attitude as she joined us. Rosalie was carrying Renesmee, with Emmett, Jasper, and Alice trailing after them.
"Did I miss something? Why is everyone - oh. Has she grown so much already?"
"See for yourself," Rosalie said as she passed my baby girl to me.
"She is bigger," I agreed.
Renesmee gave me another one of her startling grins and patted my cheek. I braced myself for it this time and was able to tell the difference in the strength of her thoughts as she deliberately placed an image of myself singing to her into my head. I would have seen it regardless, but it pleased me that she wanted me to see.
"I'll sing to you again later, alright?" I whispered in her ear and kissed her on her forehead. Her skin was incredible, so different from my own. It was softer, more delicate, yet far more resilient than a human's.
"Hnn."
"Did she just laugh?" Jacob was already at my elbow and reached out to tug gently on one bronze ringlet. Her hair was longer than it had been upon her birth, but the curls disguised just how much it had grown. He stretched the strand he held almost to her shoulder. It sprang right back into place when Jacob let it go, coming to rest just under her ear.
"She is very happy," said Jasper as he sidled over to stand behind Jacob.
Her eyes were fixed on Bella, and she made her happy sound again, but I frowned.
"Yes, because she thinks Bella should be ready to wake, and she wants her." I laughed sourly and mumbled, "I know the feeling."
Except for Carlisle, who was retrieving his tape measure and readying the scale, everyone gathered around me - us. Esme reached up to stroke the back of my head. Alice and Rose stood shoulder to shoulder in front of me. Even Emmett joined us, stepping up behind Rosalie to wrap his arms around her.
Renesmee's little rosebud mouth puckered when Bella remained where she lay. I recognized the bewildered hurt in them when she turned her chocolate eyes on me.
"I told you," Rosalie said with a laugh. "Not just yet, sweetie. Your mommy won't wake for a few days."
Her words brought a grin to my face.
Renesmee contemplated our smiles and seemed to decide that, since we were all so happy, she should be too. Her worry vanished quicker than if Jasper had intervened. She gave a contented sigh and rested her head against my chest, just where my heart had once beat.
The tiny girl in my arms wasn't the only one who felt such contentment. As though Jasper were doing it, a calm spread among us. I brushed my lips against the top of her head, marveling at the gift Bella had given to my entire family.
"I don't care how selfless Bella is," Emmett continued with a jab of his thumb toward Jacob. "Don't forget: she punched him in the face once already, and she was still a human then!"
Carlisle shook his head, convinced Bella's forgiving nature would carry through her change. "These circumstances are quite different."
"Yeah. The stakes just got way higher."
"I would wager her to be quite pleased with the turn of events."
"Oho, really?" Emmett drawled. "Care to put your money where your mouth is, gramps?"
"What do you have in mind?"
"Carlisle Cullen," Esme said sternly. "Are you going to bet on whether or not Bella tries to kill Jacob?"
"Why not? It is no gamble to wager on a sure thing. If Emmett wants to throw his money away, it may as well be in my direction."
Rosalie elbowed Jacob out of the way when Carlisle approached with his tape measure. Unlike the first time, Renesmee found his repeated desires to measure her to be uninteresting at best, but she held herself still in my arms, and stretched out when he asked.
"Who said anything about killin'? He only said she'd be 'quite pleased'. I say different."
"There, Esme," Carlisle said with a half smile. "I bet simply that she will be happy her best friend is so devoted to the protection of her daughter."
"Double or nothing she goes right for his throat."
"Jasper!" Esme's mouth hung open in shock.
"What? I know newborns; I say she'll act on instinct, and won't even stop to think about it."
"Alright, then." Emmett raised an eyebrow and gave Jasper a taunting smile. "I say she'll mad. Maybe not go for the kill mad, but it'll be close."
"And I say Bella would never hurt Jacob like that," Esme huffed.
"Done!"
"Do any of you even know what you are wagering?" I asked.
"Meh," Emmett said and waved his hand dismissively. "Details, details. We'll figure it out later."
Jacob didn't take his eyes off Renesmee while Carlisle took his careful measurements and didn't seem to notice how he was the subject of my family's banter. Despite its rather morbid subject matter, their attempt to include him pleased me - for Bella's sake, if nothing else.
