53. Awake
"How much longer?"
"It won't be long now," Alice assured me. "See how clear she's becoming? I can see her so much better."
As an image of Bella, staring at a red-eyed reflection of herself, appeared in Alice's mind, she sighed with satisfaction. The weeks of blindness had been hard on her. Her continued inability to see the werewolves or Nessie was frustrating, but at least the rest of the family was only hidden while in their presence.
"Still feeling a little bitter?" I teased.
She made a pouty face and stuck her tongue out at me. "Yes, thanks so much for bringing it up. You would be mortified, too, if you realized that you were handcuffed by your own nature. I see vampires best, because I am one; I see humans okay because I was one. But I can't see these odd half-breeds at all because they're nothing I've experienced. Bah!"
"Focus, Alice."
"Right." Alice closed her eyes and looked past Bella's immediate future. "Bella's almost too easy to see now."
I caught flashes of deep blue as my beloved streaked through the forest, the ghost of her laugh floating on the breeze, then Alice focused on a still shot of Bella crouched on a branch, staring at something intently.
Almost, I couldn't believe it. She would wake from this perfect stillness. She would run and hunt. She would laugh! "She really is going to be fine."
"Of course she is."
"You weren't so sanguine two days ago."
"I couldn't see right two days ago. But now that she's free of all the blind spots, it's a piece of cake."
"Could you concentrate for me? On the clock - give me an estimate."
"So impatient. Fine. Give me a sec - " Alice focused again on the image of Bella looking at herself in the mirror, only this time, her future-self angled the mirror she held to show the clock on the other wall. That was only a few hours from now!
"Thank you, Alice."
"She's going to be dazzling."
A rumble grew in the middle of my chest. "She always has been."
"You know what I mean. Look at her."
I was.
And Alice was absolutely right. All traces of illness and starvation had been washed away by my spreading venom. She was once again the beautiful, sweet girl I had first fallen in love with, round of cheek and soft of curves, flawless in every respect, now polished beyond perfection. Dazzling, indeed.
My attention alternated between watching Bella and watching the clock.
They were both nearly motionless. Yet no matter how slowly it moved, the hands on the clock measured time's inexorable march, along with the last racing heartbeats and gasping breaths of my beloved Bella.
A change at last! Her heart, already sprinting, broke into a wild gallop.
I wanted to shout his name, but carefully said, "Carlisle."
He and Alice joined me immediately.
"Listen," I said when he only looked at me in curiosity.
He shifted his attention to Bella and noticed the difference in her pulse. "Ah. It's almost over."
"Soon," Alice confirmed. "I'll get the others. Should I have Rosalie...?" ...bring the baby here or keep her away so I can see because what if Bella can't stop herself? What if she got hurt because I can't see? I could never forgive myself if she -
"Yes," I interrupted. "Keep the baby away." Better to be safe than sorry, and there would be plenty of time for Bella to meet our incredible daughter later, after she had been given a chance to acclimate to her new body.
Suddenly, Bella's fingers, lifeless for more than two days, twitched in my hand. My silent heart, lifeless for so many long years, leapt with excitement.
"Bella? Bella, love?"
I squeezed her hand hopefully, but she did not return the gesture. I shot Alice a worried look, and she began backing toward the door.
"I'll bring them right up."
Alice darted away as Bella's heartbeat - already racing faster than a human's could safely withstand for any length of time - picked up speed again until her pulse was more like the hum of a live wire. As if electricity were indeed passing through her body, her back arced off the table, yet her face remained expressionless, her hand did not clench into a fist nor twitch again, and neither did her legs spasm and drum against the table.
As she slumped back to the table, Bella's thrumming heart stumbled, gave a final, hard thump, and did not move again.
Nor did she inhale after the last air escaped her lungs.
For a full minute that felt longer than the last two days combined, Bella lay as still and silent as a corpse. But she wasn't dead! I knew she wasn't! I waited for her to wake in a state of poised excitement so acute it was agonizing.
Long and lightly curved, absolutely black in sharp contrast with her white skin, her eyelashes trembled, and her eyes moved beneath closed lids.
And then, Bella's eyes opened, and she lived again.
With her first inhalation, we all resumed breathing as well. She did not blink, look around, or move again other than to take another breath. She must have been so disorientated! I knew all too well how confusing those first moments were. Alice had awoken with no memories, including those from her transformation, as if she had simply appeared, fully formed, the moment she opened her eyes.
Would Bella be like Alice? Saved from an eternity of her remembering her painful change at the cost of all her memories? Including those of me?
Should that be the case, I would just have to make her fall in love with me again! It would be easy this time, now that we were more alike.
I squeezed her hand lightly, offering some small measure of encouragement that she was safe, but rather than take comfort from my touch, she acted as though she were under attack. She ripped her hand out of my light clasp, and a sound, defensive and threatening as a cornered cat and unlike any she had made before, escaped through her teeth. In the same movement, one of which no human would have been capable, she sprang from the table, flipped through the air, and landed in a defensive crouch against a wall.
Bright red eyes wheeled and darted, taking in the room and the vampire family gathered by the door in one quick sweep before finding me. Once her eyes met mine, they didn't leave. Bella was motionless once more, only now, her expression was almost comically stunned.
There was my bewildered Bella.
She straightened from her defensive crouch and continued to stare at me and I at her. Yet there was no hint of recognition in those red eyes. She seemed incredulous, as though unable to comprehend what her new eyes could see.
Drawn to her despite the mental cautions of my family, I walked slowly toward the girl I loved. She was a newborn vampire, and her change had been one unlike any other we had seen or heard of before. It was best not to startle her further, but I couldn't not go to her.
"Bella?" I said as I walked. "Bella, love? I know it's disorienting. But you're all right. Everything is fine."
She is confused and afraid, worried, Jasper thought deliberately, but I ignored his warnings. Of course she was confused! Was that not why I was trying to reassure her?
By the time I stood before her, Bella had yet to move. Her eyes remained locked on me. I could only take that as a good sign. The look on her face was like that of our first days as friends, before our day in the meadow, before I had dared to touch her or tell her I loved her. Well, I had already said the second.
Her jet-black pupils contracted and her eyes widened the moment I touched her cheek. A shock, like she still carried that electricity within her, shot from my fingertip through the rest of me so that every one of my cells tingled with life and love and longing. What could that have felt like to her?! I raised an eyebrow in invitation as she continued to simply stand and stare.
With the impetuousness that had surprised me from the start, she threw her arms around my waist, snuggled her face against my chest, and squeezed.
Hard.
Her eyes met mine again, this time with fear in them as I winced.
"Um... carefully, Bella. Ow."
Instantly, as if she had never had her arms around me at all, she stood a pace away with her hands behind her back. Her eyes were wide, but there was a crinkle of amusement at their corners.
Oops, she mouthed.
Delighted relief swept through me. Bella really was fine!
"Don't panic, love." Very slowly, I reached out to touch her again, this time brushing my fingers against her light pink, satin lips. Her breath was warm, not hot. "You're just a bit stronger than I am for the moment."
A familiar crease of confusion formed between her eyebrows.
My hand curled itself to the shape of her face. It was familiar, too. I knew every muscle and bone intimately, and the curves felt the same, but there was a difference. Her new skin, unbelievably smooth against my palm, gave only slightly at the pressure of my fingers. Like a dream made real, she was here in a way she had never been before.
In a move so astonishingly slow and smooth it was nearly human, she raised a hand to caress my face. Unnecessarily, the pace of her breathing increased, making me think she, too, felt the doubling of the charge between us.
"I love you," she said. Her voice, always so sweet, had a new ring, but it was still hers, and the words she spoke were music to my ears.
"As I love you."
Unable to resist, I cupped my other hand to her cheek and leaned close to kiss my beloved bride. Gently, as though she were still human and breakable, delicate and oh, so precious, I brushed my lips against hers. Her arms encircled my neck; her lips pressed back against mine, firm, but not hard. She was being careful this time, but I no longer had to be! I crushed my mouth to hers, knotted my fingers in her hair, and pulled her solid body against mine.
Able to kiss her now in a way that had never been safe before, I gave myself to the pleasure of tasting Bella's mouth. Sucking lips and thrusting tongue, venom as sweet as her blood, but without the burn, she tasted every bit like my Bella, and I couldn't get enough. Her body rose, easily lifting herself into my embrace with her new, strong arms. She didn't need me to support her, but I hoisted her a bit higher anyway. I wanted to run my hands up and down her legs and feel her curl them about my waist, to feel every inch of her all at once. I couldn't believe, after the events of the past weeks, that she was fine, awake, and as irrevocably in love with me now as she had been since before our very first kiss. This was nothing like that first brushing of lips; there was nothing tentative in the way I opened my mouth to her, nor did she hesitate to draw me in. She was sweet and warm and strong and forever mine.
"Ahem."
Bella started as Emmett pointedly cleared his throat. I rather resented the interruption, but guessed I didn't really want an audience for where this was going and allowed her to slip back to the floor.
If she were still human, surely she would have been bright red, but there was only the lightest pressing together of her lips and widening of her eyes as she remembered the others. She took a step back from me, but I wasn't about to let her go already and stepped with her. Her eyes caught mine again, and her lips parted in a little half-smile. She looked dazzled, and it pleased me to no end that I could still do that to her.
"You've been holding out on me," she accused.
If my heart had still beat, it surely would have burst from my chest at hearing those words. With one sentence, she had made everything right. She would always be my Bella, and she had just proved it.
Laughing with delight, I said, "It was sort of necessary at the time. Now it's your turn to not break me." I couldn't help but to laugh again, and nor was I the only one.
Alice was grinning broadly; if she were any more excited, she would have been bouncing in place. Jasper had placed himself in front of her, and Emmett stood in front of Esme and Carlisle, as if Bella would ever have hurt any of them regardless of the circumstances. Carlisle stepped from behind his protection, walking casually toward Bella as though it were any other day. Jasper didn't seem to share his ease and hovered close, just in case.
I couldn't stop watching her face! Somehow, it was more expressive, more mobile, as if she had never learned how to mask her emotions. I laughed with delight again; if I could read her face better, and we were the same now, perhaps I could finally gain a glimpse inside her mysterious mind!
She seemed stunned as she stared at Carlisle. Her eyes traveled all over his face as though seeing him for the last time - or the first.
"How do you feel, Bella?" he asked.
"Overwhelmed. There's so much..." Bella swallowed and seemed unable to finish, but we all understood. The sights, the smells, the sounds, it all took a bit of getting used to, even when one knew what to expect.
"Yes," he agreed, "it can be quite confusing."
Bella bobbed her head so quickly a human would have missed it. "But I feel like me. Sort of. I didn't expect that."
"I told you so," I whispered and hugged her reassuringly.
"You are quite controlled," he said casually, the ever-present scientist in him watching and analyzing her every movement. "More so than I expected, even with the time you had to prepare yourself mentally for this."
She seemed to consider his words before whispering, "I'm not sure about that."
He nodded, but the differences between Bella and every other newborn vampire we had ever met were astounding, and she had only just woken up! It was obvious she had her human memories, yet she had been spared - I had been spared - her days of shrieking in agony to get here.
"It seems like we did something right with the morphine this time. Tell me," he said with bright eyes, "what do you remember of the transformation process?"
I studied her expression closely; even when she had learned to hide what she felt from the world, she had never been a good liar. Her face lost much of its mobility; I guessed if she could remember, she didn't want to.
"Everything was... very dim before. I remember the baby couldn't breathe..."
Her eyes grew wide with fear and sought mine, but I smiled in anticipation of when Bella could meet our daughter.
"Renesmee is healthy and well."
Bella blinked unnecessarily as she absorbed my words.
"What do you remember after that?" I prompted.
Just how strong was my Bella? Had she known what was going on the whole time? Had she felt it? And then hidden it from me? That would have been so like her, sacrificing everything for someone she loved, even if only to spare me from knowing she hurt.
"It's hard to remember," she hedged. "It was so dark before. And then... I opened my eyes, and I could see everything."
"Amazing," said Carlisle.
Something about the way Jasper was frowning at Bella made me wonder what she could have been worrying over, but Carlisle was more interested in hearing her account than his newest son's overprotective hovering.
"I want you to think - to tell me everything you remember." A flash of pain and fear crossed Bella's face, and he was immediately contrite. "Oh, I am so sorry, Bella. Of course your thirst must be very uncomfortable. This conversation can wait."
As though his words caused her to suddenly feel the dry ache of a thirsty vampire, her eyes widened with surprise. Her hand cupped her throat, but there was nothing there except her own skin. The burn was within her now, as it would be forever. It was up to me to make her sacrifice worth it. I reached for the hand that wasn't cupping her throat and tugged.
"Let's hunt, Bella."
As often as we had discussed my family's choice of diet, she had never inquired as to the specifics of how we fed, aside from not needing weaponry. The thought of hunting seemed to alarm her now.
"It's quite easy, love. Instinctual. Don't worry, I'll show you." She hesitated, so I gently teased, "I was under the impression that you'd always wanted to see me hunt."
Bella rewarded me with a musical laugh, but continued to simply stand and stare at me. Perhaps she was simply too dazzled to move.
"Shall we?" I plucked her other hand from where it clasped her throat. She had always enjoyed my touch before, and surely did so now. I traced a finger along the line where her pulse had once beat, an action that would have caused her to shiver before, found the place where I had first bit her, and mumbled, "I don't want you to be hurting."
I nearly burst out laughing when she said, "I'm fine," but then stared in shock when she resisted my pull and said, "Wait. First."
Dizzyingly fast, Jasper remembered every newborn he had seen upon their moment of their awakening, and none of them had been interested in anything other than soothing the only burn that remained. For Bella to initially be distracted from the fire while in my arms was one thing, perhaps even to be expected, but once she became aware of her thirst, nothing else should have been able to gain her attention.
Since I did not answer, Carlisle prompted, "Yes?"
"I want to see her. Renesmee."
Oh. Of course. There would be one thing - the thing she had given her life for - which could hold her attention against the pull of blood.
Bella's hands released mine and moved to where our daughter had grown. Her stomach was flat now, taut and firm, without any of Esme's lingering motherly curves. The crease formed between her brows, and Jasper tensed, waiting for her to succumb to panic.
Carlisle was less concerned with her emotions, and more with her instincts.
Bella, of course, missed nothing, and demanded, "What?"
"Bella, that's not really a good idea. She's half human, love," I reminded her. "Her heart beats, and blood runs in her veins. Until your thirst is positively under control... You don't want to put her in danger, do you?"
She held a pose of concentration in perfect stillness. I could almost see her thinking.
"Where is she?" Her head tilted to one side - listening. I guessed she had identified the sound we were all aware of to some degree when she abruptly began swallowing and nodded, apparently accepting the truth. She was a vampire, and therefore, dangerous. "Is Rosalie with her?"
"Yes."
When she remained where she was, I reached again for her hands and tried to pull her with me toward the wall of windows. I was as successful as a human attempting to shift a mountain. She didn't seem to notice my attempt to move her and remained rooted to the spot.
"Wait. What about Jacob? And Charlie? Tell me everything that I missed. How long was I unconscious?"
Carlisle caught my eye, not only astonished that she was so focused, but concerned with how long she could remain this way, especially upon learning the answers to her questions.
You've frightened her, Jasper cautioned. His eyes had yet to leave her face, searching - waiting - for a sign that she was about to lose her uncanny calm.
"What's wrong?"
Carlisle did not need Jasper's emotional insight; he could hear the fear in Bella's whispered words. "Nothing is wrong. Nothing has changed much, actually - you were only unaware for just over two days. It was very fast, as these things go. Edward did an excellent job. Quite innovative - the venom injection straight to your heart was his idea."
My father beamed at me in deliberate contradiction of how I perceived my role in her change. To me, the numerous bite marks Bella sported were evidence of my monstrosity and weakness, but to him, they were a show of strength and restraint. Certainly I had bitten her many times, but I had done so to save her, not to feast on her delicious essence. I had done only what was necessary to save the woman I loved, as she had requested. How could he fault me?
So stubborn, he thought with a sigh when I did not return his smile.
"Jacob is still here," he continued, "and Charlie still believes that you are sick. He thinks you're in Atlanta right now, undergoing tests at the CDC. We gave him a bad number, and he's frustrated. He's been speaking to Esme."
"I should call him..." she said, but trailed off uncertainly. After all, what could she really tell him? That she was all better and we were going straight to Dartmouth? He would insist on seeing Bella and would likely be on the next flight to Atlanta before we could come up with a plausible reason for him not to. The rest of what he had said seemed to sink in when she abruptly exclaimed, "Hold on - Jacob is still here?"
Oh, here we go... go ahead, bloodsucker, rat me out before I can have a chance to explain...
"Bella," I said to forestall anyone else from telling Bella about the imprint. "There's much to discuss, but we should take care of you first. You have to be in pain..."
As proof that she did indeed feel the fire in her throat, she swallowed several times, grimacing slightly as she did. But, stubborn as ever, she insisted, "But Jacob - "
"We have all the time in the world for explanations, love."
To my surprise, she agreed, "Okay."
"Wait, wait, wait!" Alice flitted across the room to stand between me and the waiting windows. "You promised I could be there the first time! What if you two run past something reflective?"
"Alice - "
"It will only take a second!" ...and besides, it already happened, so now it has to!
I sighed at Alice's convoluted logic.
"What is she talking about?" Bella whispered from the side of her mouth.
Alice returned before I could answer, carrying the biggest mirror in the house - one of Rosalie's, naturally. Far more protective of her than anyone else in the family, Jasper shadowed Alice's footsteps, but it was Bella he watched.
"Edward gave me grief for not getting you to a mirror before the wedding. I'm not going to be chewed out again."
"Chewed out?" I had merely pointed out that Bella didn't see herself the way I did, and with as much of a fuss as Alice had made over turning Bella into the vision of perfection she had been on our wedding day, one would have thought she would have shown the bride just how lovely she truly was.
"Maybe I'm overstating things," she admitted, but was more interested in matching reality with her vision of our future.
"And maybe this has solely to do with your own voyeuristic gratification."
She gave me a wink before adjusting the mirror's angle. And then, just as I had seen in Alice's mind hours earlier, there stood my Bella, staring at her red-eyed reflection in the mirror, with the wall clock just over one shoulder, which displayed the exact time Alice had foreseen.
I had wondered at the time why Alice had not shown me Bella's reaction. Only now did I understand that she had. Bella was motionless once more, still as only a vampire could be, her face not betraying any of the emotions Jasper could sense.
Here it comes... He shifted his weight onto the balls of his feet in response to Bella's tumultuous emotions. Surely she was only an instant away from showing the panic he felt in her, yet as the seconds ticked over, Bella simply stood and stared.
When she did move, it was only to say, "The eyes? How long?"
I said, "They'll darken up in a few months. Animal blood dilutes the color more quickly than a diet of human blood. They'll turn amber first, then gold."
"Months?" she repeated.
I wondered if she had expected it to be closer to the biweekly shifting from gold to black that she had observed in my eyes, and eventually hers would do exactly that, but fledgling vampires were considered newborns for a whole year for a reason. I had thought she understood that. Well, perhaps she had, while human, and those memories were lost to her now.
Focused on Bella's rising anxiety, Jasper took a step closer to her, his arm cocked and hand opened wide, ready to subdue her the moment she lost control. Alice was searching for any signs in the future that the here and now was about to become dangerous. I watched them both, but Alice's random samples of the next few hours only showed our family, relaxed and happy. Jasper felt Bella gain control of her wild emotions and shook his head, incredulous.
"I don't know."
"What question did I miss?"
She may have missed the question, but my beloved missed little else. "Jasper wonders how you're doing it."
"Doing what?"
"Controlling your emotions, Bella," he answered. "I've never seen a newborn do that - stop an emotion in its tracks that way. You were upset, but when you saw our concern, you reined it in, regained power over yourself. I was prepared to help, but you didn't need it."
"Is that wrong?"
"No," Jasper answered uncertainly.
Silly Bella. When she found out I couldn't read her mind, she assumed it was because of something wrong with her. Now, she displayed something similarly unique and feared the same thing!
"It's very impressive, Bella," I assured her, "but we don't understand it. We don't know how long it can hold."
Bella cocked her head slightly and looked for all the world like she were puzzling out a difficult math problem. The crease between her eyes deepened, just slightly. Strangely, Jasper looked just as confused as she did.
"But what do you think?" Alice demanded, pointing at the reflection Bella had been watching without cease.
"I'm not sure."
She watched herself, and I watched her, straining with everything in me to penetrate the wall surrounding that silent mind of hers, but to no avail. A moment after Jasper reluctantly relaxed, Bella moved at last, raising one smooth, luminous hand to touch her cheek, just under those red eyes.
What could it have been like, to know that she would change, to know she would look the same, but different, and then to actually see it? She was still Bella, with her heart-shaped face, pointed chin, uneven lips, and wide, bewildered eyes. They may have been red now, but they were hers in shape and expressiveness.
What could she have expected?
What I wouldn't have given to know!
She turned to me when I sighed my eternal frustration.
"Disappointed?" she teased.
"Yes," I said truthfully, something she certainly hadn't expected to hear me say. Her face fell, and her eyes filled with bewildered hurt. Alice and Jasper both reacted, needlessly. I pressed myself against her immovable form, slid my hands around her waist, and leaned close to her ear to whisper, "I was rather hoping that I'd be able to hear your mind, now that it is more similar to my own. And here I am, frustrated as ever, wondering what could possibly be going on inside your head."
She melted against me at once. "Oh well, I guess my brain will never work right. At least I'm pretty."
"Bella," I said fiercely, "you have never been merely pretty."
Her shoulders shook lightly with her quiet giggles, but her calm delight was making Jasper increasingly anxious.
"All right, all right," I muttered, not too unhappy to do what they wished. I was thirsty, too.
"What?"
"You're making Jasper more edgy by the second. He may relax a little when you've hunted."
To my relief, Bella agreed, "Okay. Let's hunt."
