57. Overreactions
As a human, Bella had been a magnet for danger. It seemed to seek her out, drawn to her as strongly as I was. As a vampire, everything about her was enhanced. I had to wonder if that propensity for danger had grown, too. It hadn't disappeared, though now she was the dangerous one. Already, she'd injured Seth in her attempt at injuring Jacob.
Really, what had I been thinking? I knew only too well how easily accidents could happen and should never have let her out of my reach.
"I'm so sorry, Seth," I said again. "I should have been closer."
He just rolled his eyes, but Bella refused to let it go.
"Seth, I-"
"Don't worry about it, Bella, I'm totally fine," he said at the same time as I said, "Bella, love, no one is judging you. You're doing so well."
Despite our reassurances, when Seth reacted to Carlisle's ministrations, Bella said, "Sorry, sorry!"
"Don't freak, Bella. I'll be back to normal in half an hour. Anyone would have done the same, what with Jake and Ness-" He stopped as if suddenly remembering the reaction she'd had the first time she'd heard the nickname. "I mean, at least you didn't bite me or anything. That would've sucked."
Shuddering, Bella hid her face in her hands and mumbled, "I'm a bad person."
How could she think that? She hadn't meant to hurt anyone. I was the one who'd been enjoying her anger, whereas she had simply been reacting. "Of course you aren't. I should have - "
"Stop that," she interrupted with a sigh.
Still trying to put her at ease, Seth said, "Lucky thing Ness - Renesmee's not venomous. 'Cause she bites Jake all the time."
It took all my concentration not to laugh at the expression on Bella's face when she looked back up at Seth. His statement seemed to make her happy. If she couldn't bite him, and I wouldn't, at least Jacob Black was made to suffer for his transgressions in some way. All the better that it was Renesmee herself who did it.
"She does?" The uplift in her voice confirmed what I suspected.
"Sure," Seth agreed. "Whenever he and Rose don't get dinner in her mouth fast enough. Rose thinks it's pretty hilarious."
I was glad Bella and Carlisle had their eyes on Seth and not me, because I found it hilarious, too. Renesmee bit Jacob, and Bella was happy about it. What could be better?
Finished at last, Carlisle took a step back and gave the brace on Seth's arm a once over before saying, "Well, Seth, I think that's as much as I can do. Try not to move for, oh, a few hours, I guess. I wish treating humans were this instantaneously gratifying." He laughed softly, laid a hand on Seth's head, and firmly reminded him, "Stay still."
Before Seth could respond, Carlisle was upstairs and putting the remainder of his supplies back where Esme had found them.
"I can probably manage sitting still for a while," Seth agreed with a yawn. He was asleep seconds later.
Didn't it usually take longer for sleep to come? I'd witnessed many humans struggle to shut off their minds and relax into that state I would never again enjoy, yet he had fallen asleep almost instantly. Perhaps he was able to do so because he was not exactly a human. Maybe that was another unnoticed benefit the werewolves enjoyed. Or it might have been simple exhaustion. When had any of them last slept? I wasn't sure.
I no longer cared about his sleep when Bella abruptly stood from the couch and strode over to the wall of windows.
Unwilling to let her be so far away, I joined her and slid my fingers through hers. Feeling her clasp my hand in return was gratifying. The last days, every time I had done that, her fingers had remained lifeless. Now, though she could have inadvertently crushed my hand in hers, her touch was gentle, firmer than it had been as a human, but not overly tight.
A great swelling of joy grew in my chest. I felt I would burst with happiness. It was hard to believe any of this was real. If I were capable of sleep, I would have thought the past few hours to have been a dream. Our little family - once an impossible wish, a fantasy - was real and would thrive. I watched her face as Bella stared out at the night, basking in the memories of all that had happened and anticipating all that was to come.
Our life together, our eternity.
Once we solved Renesmee's aging problem, the two of us would ignore the passage of time, only noticing what the current year was now and again. What would it matter where we were? High school? College? A deserted island? As long as Bella and I were together, it would be like heaven to me.
Jasper was concentrating on Bella's emotions, convinced they would overcome her again. They conflicted sharply with mine. Where I was happier than he'd ever seen, she was full of worry, anxiety, and guilt.
I didn't understand what could be bothering her so. Seth's injury was minor and would be nothing more than a memory by the time he woke. She had successfully hunted and had shown a restraint beyond anyone's expectations, even to the point of resisting human blood. Her transformation was behind her now, and our daughter was safe from external dangers that had threatened.
Yet still, Bella worried.
"What's the matter, Bella?" Jasper finally asked. "No one is angry with you, or even surprised, really. Well, I suppose we are surprised. Surprised that you were able to snap out of it so quickly. You did well. Better than anyone expects of you."
Leah didn't agree with his assertion, but she was alone. How could we be angry with her? Bella was incredible. Surely she could see that about herself? Surely we had impressed upon her how volatile most newborns were? She was such a contradiction, a mix of self-control and rash impulsiveness that, even with Jasper watching, I couldn't be sure what was going on in the head of the girl I loved.
"I was thinking of Charlie, actually."
"Ah," Jasper responded when I said nothing.
But, what could I say?
Whenever my arguments for remaining human had included him, she had dismissed leaving her father behind as unimportant and inevitable. Baby birds had to leave their nests eventually. Not for the first time, I wondered if she had hidden her real feelings from me. If she had expressed the slightest hesitation, the least regret over leaving her human life behind, would I have reneged on our agreement and refused her request to become what I was? She must have thought so.
Didn't she know how selfish I was? Hadn't I told her? I had wanted this because of what it would mean for me. I wanted her forever and would have done whatever it took to keep her. I'd already proven that. If it hadn't been Renesmee, something would have endangered her again eventually, and if I couldn't save her from it, I would have changed her. I'd only wanted her to remain human because that was best for her. Whether she ever killed a human or not, becoming a vampire meant certain sacrifices on her part.
"We really have to leave, don't we? For a while, at the very least. Pretend we're in Atlanta or something."
"Yes," Jasper said. "It's the only way to protect your father."
"I'm going to miss him so much. I'll miss everyone here."
It surprised me that she acknowledged that fact. Only now that her chosen future could not be taken from her did Bella seem willing to admit to any regrets for the life she was leaving behind.
Before her change, Bella had argued for keeping in touch with Charlie, that she would even be able to go so far as to visit him once her thirst was under control. Had she thought she could do the same with the other humans in her life?
They had always been vaguely aware that something was off about our appearance, but as we had always looked this way to them, they didn't recognize how alien we truly were. It was easy for humans to shrug off our pale skin and strange eyes as genetics or perhaps even a medical condition, but it must have been obvious to her now that if she were to try and retain her friendships with Jessica or Angela, they would see right away that she had become whatever we were.
Maybe she had been incapable of imagining how different she would look. Like a lens bringing everything into focus, the arrangement of facial features that was uniquely Bella had not been altered, but they had been sharpened, clarified, perfected. Anyone who had seen her before would see the difference.
Bella was a sensitive, caring person. It didn't surprise me that her attachments to those she was leaving behind was stronger than she had been willing to let on. I wondered if she only just now realized how strong they were.
Or maybe it was Seth's injury that continued to upset her.
There was another difference she had not been able to appreciate before her change. It was one thing to tell her that after she changed, she would be stronger than me, stronger than Emmett, stronger than anything on Earth. It was quite another thing for her to experience that strength for herself.
Until she had a bit more practice handling inanimate objects, it was better that she maintain her quarantine and limit her company to those of us who were more or less indestructible. Vampires could be put back together, werewolves could heal, and furniture and even houses could be replaced. Humans - Charlie - could not.
Bella's father would miss her, surely, but wasn't it better that he grieve in safety rather than suffer an accidental and fatal injury at the hands of his own daughter? Or worse, an intentional one at the hands of the Volturi? And they would not stop with his death. Once they killed him for knowing about us, they would come after the rest of our family for allowing him to learn our secret.
Bella snorted, making me wonder where her thoughts had taken her, when mine had taken such a dark path. Familiar frustration washed through me as she shook her head, refusing to say what she could possibly have found amusing.
Jasper thought she still seemed worried and irritated, so what could have made her laugh?
Would I ever get accustomed to not knowing?
I had to admit that I hoped I wouldn't. The mystery of Bella kept me interested and curious, even if I found it maddening.
Those minute changes to her expression - an upward twitch of her lips or a flicker of a frown - were impossible to decipher, even with Jasper monitoring her emotions. All I could be certain of was that she worried.
What was she thinking? Her silent mind was just as intriguing now as the first time I'd failed to hear her thoughts.
Whatever it had been, Rosalie's and Jacob's sudden return inside was of far more interest to her. He stood protectively in front of Rose and Renesmee, whose chocolate eyes held Bella's red ones from the moment they met. Both mother and daughter seemed equally fascinated with the other.
Jasper hastened over to Bella's side, and at the same time, Carlisle came back downstairs, his hands laden with the only tools of his trade he'd been able to use on our half-vampire child.
Realizing why he had his scale and tape measure, I said, "Must be six."
I'd watched each second creep by as I'd waited for Bella to open her eyes, but once she woke, the passage of time had failed to truly register. So much had happened in such a short time. It seemed like hours and hours had passed, and it must be later than that, surely, but they would not have skipped or delayed the schedule Carlisle had initiated.
"So?" There was more than a touch of impatience coloring Bella's voice.
"Time to measure Ness - er, Renesmee," Carlisle said.
"Oh. You do this every day?"
"Four times a day."
"Four times? Every day? Why?"
"She's still growing quickly," I explained as I pulled her close to me, uncertain if I was restraining her, or drawing on her seemingly limitless strength. I'd been wrong about her reactions more often than right, but this wasn't going to be easy on her. Bella saw the truth about everything so quickly, I was sure she would understand what Renesmee's continued rapid growth meant.
A long life well lived was a reason to celebrate, but a life cut short was a tragedy, and human lives were already so short. Why did this perfect, sweet child's life have to be even shorter? After all Bella had gone through to bring her into the world, it didn't seem fair.
Life isn't fair, Bella had said to me once. Those words seemed to mock me. Now that I had undeniable proof that I was alive, here I was railing at the unfairness of it all.
"What do we do?" Bella whispered.
"I don't know," I mumbled into her hair.
"It's slowing," Jacob said.
"We will need several more days of measurements to track the trend, Jacob. I cannot make any promises," Carlisle warned.
"Yesterday she grew two inches. Today it's less," he insisted as if that meant anything. Her growth in utero had not been precisely linear. It was possible that, like many human children, a lull in her growth would be followed by a rapid spurt.
Choosing not to argue about what the future might hold, Carlisle simply stuck to the facts at hand and said, "By a thirty-second of an inch, if my measurements are perfect."
"Be perfect, Doc."
"You know I'll do my best."
"Guess that's all I can ask."
The renewed irritation that Jasper detected emanating from Bella was an amusing and soothing balm against my own feelings toward the mutt's accusatory tone and words. Bella and I weren't the only ones irritated. Renesmee had cooperated with Carlisle's desire to measure her, but her patience with us was running out. She held her hand out to Rosalie, who leaned close to see what Renesmee wanted. After only a moment, she pulled back with an annoyed sigh.
Stubborn, just like her father!
"What does she want?" Jacob demanded.
"Bella, of course," Rosalie said. Had he expected a different answer? She'd only been asking for her mother for three days.
Rosalie wanted to give in to her request. She couldn't imagine being kept from her child and wanted to give the two the chance to bond at last. My sister's generosity shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. I'd expected her to want to hang on to her fantasy of motherhood for as long as possible, and perhaps even make excuses for why Renesmee should be left in her care, not given into Bella's.
Rose did hesitate, but only to cast a critical eye over Bella's expression, whose brows were drawn together to form the line between her eyes. "How are you?"
"Worried," Bella said in a small voice.
"We all are. But that's not what I meant."
"I'm in control." Her simple statement, spoken with such surety, carried more than a temporary promise of this one moment. If Bella was in control of herself now, mere hours after her awakening, she wouldn't have to miss any more of our daughter's precious first year. There would be no delay to the start of our life together, nor our search for a cure.
Awestruck, I watched with everyone else as, for the second time in their lives, Bella held the daughter I'd given her.
Between Jasper and Jacob, I wasn't sure who was more nervous. What my brother was watching went against every newborn transformation he'd ever seen - and that number was in the thousands - yet there Bella stood, calmly cradling a living child in her arms. Jacob's imaginings lacked the clarity of Jasper's memories, but his childhood had been full of stories about our kind, stories that he knew to be true. How could we just let Bella hold her!
Determined not to fail if anything should happen, I stayed close as our daughter reached up to pat Bella's cheek. For nearly a century I'd heard others' thoughts and yet the strength of Renesmee's continued to surprise me. What it must feel like to Bella, I wasn't sure, but she gasped as Renesmee showed a replay of when she'd stalked after Jacob.
I couldn't help it: watching Bella's fury toward him made me laugh. I didn't want him harmed, necessarily, but after she'd spent the last days of her life cuddling with him in my house, on my couch, while I and my family watched, well, I had to admit that I wouldn't have been too upset if Bella had injured him in some small way. So long as, like Seth, he recovered.
Bella and I both winced when Renesmee remembered the sound of Seth impacting the tree. I really should have kept my place beside her. Her rejection of Jacob would have been far more satisfying without an active bystander's injury.
Renesmee was glad Seth had placed himself in the way. She hadn't been worried for Jacob's safety at the time, but she certainly was pleased Bella had been stopped. She didn't have a problem with biting him herself, but I wondered how she would have reacted if Bella had managed to hurt Jacob. I supposed it was possible she hadn't realized he was in any danger until Seth had been injured.
After, she had watched me sprint to Bella's side, had seen Leah comforting Seth and snarling at us, had seen Carlisle's initial assessment of Seth's condition, but those events had not interested her all that much. Though Jacob did nothing of apparent interest, the focus of her vision remained on him.
The memory had a familiar feel that made me grimace. Even before I had fallen in love with Bella, she had occupied the forefront of my thoughts. When I couldn't see her for myself, I'd watched through others' eyes. For Renesmee to watch Jacob with the same single-minded focus was galling.
If the intensity was the same, the feeling behind it was not. Whereas I had belonged to Bella from the very start and had wanted her to be mine; Renesmee already knew Jacob was hers.
When she shared that proprietary feeling, Bella groaned, "Oh, wonderful. Perfect."
"It's just because he tastes better than the rest of us," I said in an attempt at downplaying the strength of their mutual attachment.
"I told you she likes me, too," Jacob tried to joke. Their connection was nearly as irritating as the way he still knew Bella well enough to correctly guess what she was seeing.
Renesmee patted Bella's cheek, wanting her undivided attention. She'd been waiting too long for this reunion and didn't want anything to divert Bella from experiencing memory after memory. She had enjoyed having her hair brushed by Rosalie. The repeated measurements Carlisle insisted on taking of her were less enjoyable, but she tolerated them because we wished it.
"It looks like she's going to give you a rundown of everything you missed," I said in amusement.
That such things would include drinking blood should have occurred to me. I wasn't thirsty in the slightest, yet my throat burned in reaction to Renesmee's remembered meal. Certain Bella was about to succumb, I had Renesmee out of her arms the moment her nose wrinkled over the vivid flavor. Jasper felt my fear and instantly acted to restrain her, pinning Bella's arms behind her so she couldn't snatch Nessie back.
But Bella didn't move.
Her slight grimace had not been followed by an open-mouthed lunge. She did not even act defensively against Jasper the way she had when my pursuit had distracted her on our hunt.
She simply looked at me in bewildered confusion and asked, "What did I do?"
...she even able to ask that question? Such rational thought should be beyond her.
Partly to confirm that she truly was seeing the same thing I was, and partly to tell the others why I'd reacted, I said, "But she was remembering being thirsty. She was remembering the taste of human blood."
Jasper had only felt my fear; hearing the reason behind it, his eyes widened and his grip tightened.
Calmly, as though we were discussing a matter of insignificance, Bella said, "Yes. And?"
Jacob wasn't bounding over here demanding that I hand Nessie over to him the way he wanted to do, but I thought it wouldn't matter if he did. It seemed nothing, not even a threatening werewolf, was likely to shake her inexplicable control at this point.
Laughing in amazement, I said, "And nothing at all, it seems. The overreaction is mine this time. Jazz, let her go."
He released his hold on her, but kept his hands open and poised to grab her again if need be.
Without a second thought, when Bella reached for our daughter, I gave her over. A sense of possessive pride washed over me, that the woman I loved, the woman who loved me, was so incredible. There she stood, a newborn vampire, cradling the child I'd given her. I never would have believed it, even if Alice could have predicted it. It seemed impossible, surreal, a dream I would awaken from at any moment, but I couldn't dream.
"I can't understand. I can't bear this," Jasper said and strode out the house.
How is she doing it? How?
He didn't quite run away, but he quickly crossed the yard, jumped the river, and disappeared into the trees.
Bella had just awoken! Shouldn't she have to fight against the unrelenting thirst, as he still did? After decades of practice, he was managing, but the pull, the draw, the need… did she not feel it? Newborns were driven by their thirst, and the promise of quenching it was often the only way of controlling them until they became accustomed to the sensation. But if they had known ahead of time what to expect - as Bella did - would they all have woken as...as… as human as Bella had?
So what if I had distracted her from the humans on her first hunt? The instinct to defend was a powerful one. If I had been able to subdue her in the fight that should have resulted, I should have had to drag her away from them. She should not have been capable of running away from the humans on her own. She should have attacked me, and then gone on to kill the men she'd scented.
Accidents were expected. We were vampires! The occasional human death, while regrettable, was simply a part of life for us. Everyone knew it. Everyone forgave him for those he had caused, but should they have? If he didn't expect to slip now and again, would he?
Nessie pressed her hand to Bella's cheek to replay the moment, but Bella didn't seem to understand why he'd fled any more than the others did.
Should I go after him? Carlisle thought to me.
"He'll be back. He just needs a moment alone to readjust his perspective on life."
Was it possible none of our family would ever again be the cause of a human's death? If Jasper could master his thirst, and Bella never succumbed, and Renesmee could be taught, and it was unlikely either of my parents or sisters would ever slip, and if I could resist Bella then I could resist anything, then, only Emmett would be the question. No way would he want to be the weak link. We might never have to make another hurried escape from an unfortunate incident ever again.
"Is he mad at me?"
I stared at Bella in shock. "No. Why would he be?"
"What's the matter with him, then?"
"He's upset with himself, not you, Bella. He's worrying about… self-fulfilling prophecy, I suppose you could say."
Carlisle wasn't satisfied with my answer and pressed, "How so?"
"He's wondering if the newborn madness is really as difficult as we've always thought, or if, with the right focus and attitude, anyone could do as well as Bella. Even now - perhaps he only has such difficulty because he believes it's natural and unavoidable. Maybe if he expected more of himself, he would rise to those expectations. You're making him question a lot of deep-rooted assumptions, Bella."
"But that's unfair," Carlisle protested. "Everyone is different; everyone has their own challenges. Perhaps what Bella is doing goes beyond the natural. Maybe this is her gift, so to speak."
"That's an interesting theory," I agreed, "and quite plausible."
Everything about us was enhanced, especially those traits that had been the strongest in our human lives. Bella's self-control had been remarkable before. Well, except for where I was concerned. But her ability to mask what she thought and felt, would those not have been brought with her?
Of course they were. And now, enhanced, her control was beyond what anyone expected.
Curious, I asked, "Have you ever seen an equivalent to self-control as a talent? Do you really think that's a gift, or just a product of all her preparation?"
"It is slightly similar to what Siobhan has always been able to do, though she wouldn't call it a gift."
"Siobhan," Rosalie asked, "your friend in that Irish coven? I wasn't aware that she did anything special. I thought it was Maggie who was talented in that bunch."
"Yes, Siobhan thinks the same. But she has this way of deciding her goals and then almost… willing them into reality. She considers it good planning, but I've always wondered if it was something more. When she included Maggie, for instance. Liam was very territorial, but Siobhan wanted it to work out, and so it did."
As they spoke, he walked toward the chairs, intending to sit for a discussion, as any human would do. Rosalie took another chair and, after hesitating only because I didn't want to leave Bella's side, I followed. Not wanting her to be self-conscious, I tried not to stare and took advantage of others' eyes when they glanced at her or in her direction.
Jacob finally relaxed his guard enough to sit beside Seth, though his focus on Bella and the potential for disaster never wavered. It was his eyes I looked through most often until he gave into his exhaustion and slept.
Adding in the occasional comment, I tried to look as though I were participating in their discussion, as if I could possibly be interested in anything other than Bella. What gifts others possessed were insignificant compared with Bella's abilities. Even the mystery of how Renesmee's gift could work on her when no one else's mental abilities did failed to truly interest me.
Whether from a talent or due to planning and preparation, Bella was perfectly fine and our daughter safe in her care. The reason didn't matter as much as the result. My beloved wife was holding our newborn daughter, just as if we were a normal human family.
With Renesmee giving her a replay of the past three days, Bella didn't seem to be paying us any attention. Giving up my pretense, I just watched her, mesmerized by the picture they made.
