It had been a few days since they'd landed on the spaceship and visited pre-Revolutionary France, and still he could hardly bear to think about it. They hadn't been anywhere in particular; he'd let Rose show off a bit to Mickey about the kinds of places they went, but he hadn't participated much. He remembered when he told Rose he could feel the Earth turning beneath his feet; now it felt like it was turning and leaving him behind. He felt so disconnected from everything as he tried to come to turns with what had happened. What he'd done. Trying to avoid her, avoid explaining himself. I'm always fine. It wouldn't hold her off for long.
And now here she was, standing in the control room, having left Mickey somewhere in the depths of the TARDIS. Pulling on her jacket sleeves, and twirling her hair anxiously. Finally.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, just fine, you know me."
Rose didn't drop her gaze from his back, he could feel her eyes boring into him. "I thought I did," she said a little sadly.
He frowned and turned to face her fully. "What do you mean? Of course you know me-"
"No, I don't, 'cause you won't tell me anything!" Rose shook her head. "You've been so quiet the last few days, that's not like you. But every time I try and talk to you, you just fob me off with that pathetic lie. And I know you're not fine." She paused for breath. "So. Tell me what's wrong."
She was just a girl, just a child. But she was so much more than that. She'd stepped into his life and taken over and reminded him how life should be. How life could be if he'd just let go a bit and share things with her. He ran a hand over his face, searching for the right way to tell her everything that was chasing around his head.
She made it easy for him. "How comes Reinette didn't come back with you?"
He sighed heavily. "She died." Rose blinked in surprise. "That loose connection in the fireplace. When I went back I was too late, it was years after I'd left her. I was in time to see her leave Versailles for the last time."
"Oh." She managed to pack a lot of feeling into that tiny word. She hesitated before adding, "That's awful. Was she very old?"
"Only forty-two." He sighed again and shrugged his shoulders, trying to act nonchalant about it. "But it's not important, I mean, things like this happen, people die. Especially around me." He grit his teeth, forcing himself not to let those irritating tears escape. "I just feel… well, I should have been able to do something. All this power, Rose, all these opportunities to save people and travel through time, and I couldn't do anything to help her."
"You saved her once," Rose reminded him gently. "You risked everything to save her."
He could hear the unspoken words in the air, could sense them just from her tone of voice and the look in her eyes. She wasn't deliberately making it obvious, she'd shoved her own feelings and hurt as far aside as possible, but she couldn't hide them completely from him. He could see it. You risked me to save her.
"I know," he said softly. "I'm sorry."
Rose faked indifference. "What for?"
"Making you wait. Leaving you behind." He could hardly believe he was even having to admit that. He'd left her behind. Her, Rose. After everything they'd been through, everything they said to each other… he'd just gone with barely a second thought. It was only when he'd been standing in that room with Reinette, looking up at the stars that he wondered what he'd really done. And it hurt. It hurt to think that he wouldn't be seeing Rose again, wouldn't ever speak to her. He hadn't even said goodbye.
"Oh, that doesn't matter." Rose brushed his apology off. "You did what you had to do. And anyway, it was only five and a half hours, I've waited longer for a bus!" She laughed, but he could tell it was forced. "Anyway. I had Mickey for company." She bit her lip anxiously and then added, "I'd have waited longer."
"How long?"
"Forever."
"No." He shook his head suddenly. "You mustn't do that, Rose."
"What?" Rose frowned. "I'll wait however long I damn well want."
"But you can't." He was sure on this point. "Always wait five and a half hours, Rose. But then stop waiting. Move on, leave me behind."
"Don't be stupid." Rose sounded near tears. "I couldn't just leave you, I…" She shook her head. "You don't know what you're saying."
"If one day, I go and don't come back," he continued, "don't wait any longer than you did. Let go." He reached out and took her hand in his. "Promise me that."
She smiled weakly. "We're making each other a lot of promises lately."
"I know."
She nodded, taking a deep breath and swallowing her tears and sobs down. "I promise." She sighed. "But you better never make me have to keep that promise. Because I don't want to leave you."
He smiled and pulled her into a tight hug, a hug he'd wanted for days. He didn't know what it was about Rose, but her hugs always made it seem slightly better, like she was taking some of his pain away each time. He couldn't believe he'd left her behind.
"Doctor?" Her voice was little above a whisper, and wobbled hesitantly.
"Yeah?"
"Did you… did you love her?"
He'd wondered that over the past few days. She'd changed him, that was for certain, that woman from France. The girl in the fireplace. But love?
"I understood her," he said eventually, thinking about what he and Reinette had shared. "She understood me."
Rose lifted her head off his shoulder and nodded, looking at his face hard. "Yeah. I thought so."
"Am I interrupting something?" They both jumped as Mickey entered the control room. The Doctor turned his back and hastily collected his thoughts, while Rose backed away, faking a smile and shaking the few tears off her face.
"No, don't be stupid!" she said over-brightly. "You okay?" She rubbed her hands on her jeans, small streaks of mascara being left on the denim. "I better go and call Mum, let her know we haven't dropped off the planet. Or universe. Whatever." She pulled her phone out of her pocket and headed down the corridor. "You two play nice!" she called over her shoulder.
Mickey fixed the Doctor with a suspicious gaze. "So you two had your talk then?"
The Doctor frowned. "We were talking, yes."
"She's been worried about you." Mickey shoved his hands in his pockets. "Don't know why. You weren't too worried about her the other day. Either of us, in fact."
"Oh now hold on!" He was not about to be lectured by some bloke who was only on board the TARDIS in the first place by default.
But Mickey wasn't listening. "You know, I've kind of accepted she's not going to come home. At least not back to me. And I was even starting to kind of like you." He shrugged awkwardly. "If she wants to forgive you, that's her call. But I just wanted to say to you… don't you dare break her heart." He sniffed. "That's all. I'll go back to my room for a bit now."
The Doctor looked at him. He really had no idea, did he? No idea about how the Doctor felt about Rose, or how much he hated himself for having abandoned her in favour of Reinette. No idea how much he'd fought internally to stop himself feeling the way he did. And no idea how, even if he wanted to, even if he lost his temper with her and wanted to call her all the names under the sun, he could never in a million years even try and break Rose's heart. She was far too special to him for him to risk it.
"Actually, Mickey," he said finally. "You could help me out if you like."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Just hold that button down for me."
