81. Motivation
It was good Bella had so many willing teachers, even if what they were teaching her would ultimately prove unnecessary. The physical training was a beneficial break from working with her shield. At least with Emmett and the others, everyone could tell she was improving.
Against Felix, though… against the army that came for us… Bella was no match. Nothing she could learn could change that fact. While it was good to see her improvements, I would have rathered she focus her energy on training with Kate. If she could protect someone else, even just one other person - say, me, for example - then it wouldn't be Bella against the world anymore. It would be us, Bella and me, protecting our family together. We could be a team, the way we were meant to be. I could protect her from physical threats while she protected me from the mental ones.
If Bella was able to learn how to project her shield.
The steady influx of vampires had been interrupting Bella's training, but with everyone here now, there was nothing to distract her. The only things that could pull her away from training with Kate were Emmett, when he decided she needed a change of pace, or Nessie, when she sensed Bella was getting frustrated, or myself, when I felt it was getting late. Other than those intermissions, Bella and Kate spent all day working together.
Despite Kate's endless patience and seemingly helpful advice, Bella claimed to have little success manipulating her shield. She could feel it, she said, but pushing it beyond herself was an entirely different matter.
Initially, I'd tried to keep our guests distracted, to give Bella space to learn without being in the spotlight, but we all knew that Bella's shield could shift the odds in our favor. As the days passed, even though there wasn't much to see, none of us could help but watch.
Even Alistair watched, though he refused to leave his attic refuge, preferring to observe from above. Maybe he wouldn't need to spend the next few centuries on the run as he'd supposed. If we could make Aro stop and listen... If Bella could do what we said… If we could prevent them from annihilating the lot of us before we had the chance to speak…
Those without extra abilities didn't find Bella's training quite as stimulating as those of us who did have gifts. I caught Benjamin, Maggie, and Alistair discretely attempting to apply Kate's advice to themselves. No one seemed to make much headway, though they were all disappointed over Bella's apparent lack of progress.
Honestly, one would think they were humans, our guests were so impatient! Everyone, gifted and non-gifted alike, was careful not to express their disappointment to her, but I found their pessimism quite ridiculous. Bella had only been working on extending her shield for a few days. A mere blink in the life of an immortal. Hadn't it taken them time to understand their gifts, just as it had for Kate?
They simply weren't used to feeling the weight of their own mortality, I reasoned. To go from an unlimited number of years - some having already lived many centuries - to having a guarantee of only these few days made each second seem shorter. I could feel time racing by with indecent haste, and I wasn't the only one.
Of course they watched. How could they not? What Bella was attempting could save us all.
Garrett, though, joined our audience more so that he could watch Kate training Bella, than so he could watch Bella's attempts at learning. He saw the sparks, but as Bella didn't feel them in the slightest, and he'd heard me insisting to Benjamin that they were an illusion, he wondered if either of them were truly doing anything.
"Bella is a shield," I reminded him acidly before he could voice his doubts. "She wouldn't feel it if Jane was here, either. Do you doubt her powers?"
"No, but I doubt Jane would be so easy on her."
"Not frightened enough?!" I repeated the thought he didn't say.
"Fear's a powerful motivator," Garrett said unapologetically. "If nothing's threatening anyone, where's her motivation?"
I could have ignored the thought as it passed through Kate's head when she looked away from Garrett to measure Bella's expression. Unfortunately, I found myself agreeing with them both. Kate met my glance when she heard my low grunt of displeasure.
My lips twisted, but when I made no objection, Kate said, "You're right; this practice is too tame. Too safe."
Bella gaped at the two of them. "What? You think the Volturi coming for Renesmee isn't enough of a threat?"
Garrett looked over to where Nessie and Zafrina were entertaining each other. "Kid seems fine right now."
"Yes," Kate agreed. "We need a danger that's… a little more here and now."
Kate eyed me with a slowly spreading smile as I placed myself between her and Bella. I had my back to Bella, but the others were watching her, and they saw the confusion clear on Bella's face as I extended a hand toward Kate.
"No!" Bella gasped.
"It's alright. I can take it," I said.
"He says that now," Emmett muttered, as if I hadn't, decades earlier, been just as curious as he.
And anyway, I'd had worse, I reminded myself as I prepared to allow Kate to shock me. This was nothing, really. Just a little friendly fire. Kate wasn't Jane, who would delight in my pain.
"But - Wait! I'm not ready!" Bella said.
Kate and I ignored her.
This was just a little jolt that wasn't even really there enough to -
"Ah!" Not quite aware of how I'd gotten there, I was on my knees and rubbing my stinging hand.
"Edward, I'm sorry! I said I wasn't ready."
Kate's gift wasn't anything like the hum of electricity that only Bella could awaken within me, nor even the painless stinging I'd first felt upon touching her. Those felt good, pleasurable, the zing of life itself, whereas this electricity was quite the opposite.
But neither was the pain anywhere close to what losing Bella had felt like.
I stood and held my hand out again.
"Focus, Bella, or he's gonna be hurting," Emmett taunted. I appreciated that he was trying to help us motivate her, but did he have to be enjoying himself quite so much?
"Edward, wait, I'm not ready to do this!" Bella protested again.
I picked myself up off the ground a second time, biting back the moan that wanted to escape. Real or not, friendly or not, it hurt! And I was well aware that Kate was, as yet, only using her lowest charge.
Or should I play up the pain? Wouldn't that motivate her more than hiding it?
My decision didn't matter either way. The cry escaped before I was aware I'd made it. The current shot from Kate's fingertips through my hand, and from there through the rest of me. My muscles refused to cooperate as I stumbled and tried not to wind up on the ground again.
Kate held Bella's eyes. I could almost read Bella's mind, her emotions were so clear. I could imagine her pleading with Kate not to hurt me again, but she didn't speak the words aloud. If our positions were reversed, I would not have been capable of standing around watching Bella take even one shock, much less multiple repeats. If she was brave enough to let this happen, I had to be brave enough to take it.
Determinedly, I gritted my teeth and held my hand out to Kate.
"You have to be ready," Kate said as Bella opened her mouth to voice another objection. "The Volturi will not wait around for you to place your defenses. They will not wait until you decide you're ready to play. They will strike" - Kate touched my open palm - "and strike again" - unexpected pain lanced through me as she brushed her fingers against the exposed back of my neck - "and if you want to do any good, you'll have to ignore all that and focus on shielding him, and Renesmee, and whoever else you can manage. Ignore the physical. Focus on the mental."
Emmett didn't truly intend to injure me, and it wasn't his fault that Kate had put the thought in his head, but the image was there all the same. If Kate really wanted to up the danger level, to augment the mental threat with a few physical ones, he would be willing to help.
"Don't even think about it," I growled at him as I picked myself up off the ground again.
"Dude, you're not motivating her."
"You wanna try?!" I gestured an invitation for him to take my place. Kate wiggled her fingers at him, but Emmett held his hands up in surrender and took a couple of steps back.
"I'm good," Emmett declined.
"Wimp."
"Nah, bro. Just, you're the masochist in the family. Not me."
When it had come to Bella's scent, maybe so, and if it meant protecting my family, I would gladly subject myself to Kate's charge again and again, but it was hardly enjoyable.
Not in the slightest.
Worse was knowing how it hurt Bella, seeing me in pain and believing it to be her fault, her failure to protect me. I didn't want to look at her, afraid that seeing the love and pain in her eyes would weaken my resolve. But I had to do this. Bella needed my help, and for her, I would bear any amount of pain.
Instead, it was Kate who hesitated as I held my hand out again. I saw her remembering her early attempts. In the beginning, the charge had only been in her palms, but then she had made it spread. Closest to her hands first, then creeping up her arms, progressing farther as she got better at expanding her field. But the center, the source, was and had always been her hands.
"You think proximity makes a difference?" I asked.
"Maybe," Kate agreed. "Your gift doesn't require contact, but Nessie's does. If Bella didn't have to push hers so far from herself before it reached - "
Kate broke off when Bella appeared in front of me as if out of thin air, her arms already winding around my waist. Mine came up automatically, encircling Bella's shoulders so I could stroke her long, silky hair. She only responded by squeezing me tighter. I was acutely aware that she was using a fraction of her strength, in control of herself far more than I had ever been.
I sighed with pleasure at the feeling of Bella pressed against me, then cupped her chin and tilted her face up to mine. I'd been right about the pain in her eyes. Of course, the others had seen it there too, but it was different with her staring up at me. More powerful, for one thing. But there really was no need for her to be so distraught.
"You've got this," I encouraged her. "And I'm fine, really. See?"
I held out the same hand I'd been offering to Kate, to show her there was no damage. The pain had been temporary, and was erased entirely by the feeling of Bella's lips pressing soft kisses into my palm.
"You don't have to do this," Bella mumbled against my skin. "I'll find another way to learn."
"No," I said calmly. "This is the best way. I don't know if you remember, but you told me once that you didn't want to be Lois Lane all the time, that you wanted to be Superman too. So, here's your chance to save me." Then I had to laugh. As if she hadn't already saved me in so many ways.
Bella couldn't object, though she clearly wanted to.
I smiled my love and awe at her, unsure if dazzling counted as a form of motivation, but willing to try whatever it took. "Focus, Bella. Concentrate on protecting me. You can do it; I know you can."
"That's right, Bella." Kate began reiterating the instructions she'd been giving Bella. "Focus. Focus on your shield. Visualize it. What color it is, its shape, the way it moves. Now picture it expanding. Will it to go beyond you. Around him."
I waited, watching until Bella's eyes calmed and her face wore a look of determination. I didn't know if she thought she'd extended her shield to cover me, but I didn't think she had. I couldn't hear her, and I could still hear everyone else. I rather thought - hoped - that that would change once her shield included me. Yet another reason to turn toward my cousin and embrace the pain I knew was coming.
"Kate?" I said as I held my hand out. "Again."
And again.
Kate coached Bella on extending her shield, offering advice in a calm voice even as I twitched and shuddered under her touch.
Although we had never lacked for volunteers to help us care for our daughter, I was relieved that Zafrina was available. She, more than anyone else, was able to keep Nessie's attention completely absorbed. I absolutely did not want her to witness this.
Bad enough that Bella could feel every wince, hear every escaped moan. With her arms around me and her hands splayed against my back, we were as close as it was possible to be without losing all sense of decorum. If she couldn't wrap her shield around me, it wasn't due to distance.
I did feel that Emmett was lucky Bella kept such a tight hold on me. He wasn't trying to annoy me on purpose, but his jovial attitude was wearing on my already thin nerves.
By the end of the day, I was wishing anyone other than Kate could teach Bella. Even Jane. At least her I could hate. I tried to hide it. I didn't want Bella to think I was upset with either of them, for I certainly was not.
For Bella was learning.
At first I thought it might be my imagination, or perhaps I was just getting used to it. After all, if I could acclimate myself to the inferno of Bella's scent, one would think I could get used to this little sting the same way. I hadn't. Not yet, anyway. But that was the point. I was sure it was Bella's doing the next time when the shock - or rather, the electric jolt - hadn't been as bad as I'd expected. Kate's low setting didn't get any lower, so I knew Kate had intended to make it as strong as all the others, but it hadn't felt like it… and I was shocked.
Days! Bella had only been working with her gift for a matter of days, and already she was making progress.
"What?" Bella demanded when I pulled away to stare incredulously at her. She was breathing heavily, panting as if she was still human enough to be capable of suffering from oxygen deprivation.
"You did it."
"Did what?"
As if it weren't obvious. "Shielded me."
"I did?" Bella blinked rapidly, clearly surprised by my announcement. Her rapid breathing halted when the rest of her froze. Then she frowned and shook her head quizzically. "But you felt it. You winced."
"Yes, I felt it, but I felt it less. You shielded me," I insisted.
The confusion cleared and was replaced by a fierce excitement that lit her eyes.
"What did you do different?" Kate asked intently.
The confusion returned. "I - I'm not sure…"
"Well, whatever it was, do it again. Kate?" I smiled at my cousin as I once again offered her my hand.
She noted the return of my smile even as I noted her intention to test my claim. …time to graduate from kindergarten… take off the training wheels and…
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Bella chanted.
"No, that wasn't your fault, Bella. Kate decided to play hardball." I rounded on my cousin, angry. I would have been knocked flat on my back if Bella hadn't been holding me! "Was that really necessary? Can't you let Bella get used to how her shield works before you go changing the rules on her?"
"Yes, it was, and no, I can't. The time for gentle hand-holding has passed. Fly or fall, Bella, it's your choice, but get ready to leave the nest."
Kate thought through her plan with plenty of time for me to object or avoid her before she grabbed for me. Some part of me knew she was speaking urgently to Bella, trying to get her to protect me, but all I could think of was escape.
Escape! Escape from this thing that had latched on to me and was filling my veins with some kind of liquid fire. The charge was in my teeth. I could taste it, arching like hot metal across my tongue. The sting of a million bees buzzed through my bones and crawled over my skin. My muscles seized, and I was frozen in place, but not naturally, the way a vampire will hold himself still. I couldn't move.
There was a sudden lessening in the current's flow and I took advantage of it, twisting free of both Kate's grip and Bella's. I stalked a few paces away, growling, "Dammit, Kate," beneath my breath.
And here I'd thought the brush of her charged fingertips had been bad!
I needed to go back to them, to allow Kate to resume training Bella, but I couldn't seem to make myself turn.
I shook my head and took a few breaths, trying to regain my composure. I had to be stronger than this. Bella was staring open-mouthed after me. I knew without needing to see her in the others' minds that she was blaming herself for failing me.
"Edward," Bella whispered, "I'm sorry."
Before I could correct her, tell her she had nothing to apologize for, my mother stepped in. Esme, who couldn't stand to watch but also couldn't stay away for long, left her vantage point on the porch and placed herself between me and them.
"That is enough." Her voice was low, but I could hear the anger in it. At some other time, I might have laughed. My very own mother bear, protecting her cub from any threat. "Kate, you aren't the only one here with a gift. I'm sure Zafrina would be more than happy to volunteer her services."
"Yes," Bella agreed instantly, fervently.
"No," Kate said at the same time. "I'm sorry Bella, but you have no real reason to stop him from seeing a few flowers and trees. If Edward's pain isn't motivating you, Zafrina's illusions surely won't."
Esme's lips thinned as she debated several possible arguments, determined to insist on finding something else that might work, since this wasn't.
"Thank you, Esme, but that's not necessary. This is working." I gave Esme a quick one-armed hug on my way to enfold Bella in my arms. I tucked her head under my chin and said, "Love, you have nothing to apologize for. You did it again, Bella. You protected me."
I grinned at her when she pulled back to gape at me in disbelief.
"How do you think I got away? You shielded me."
"Not fast enough," Bella muttered.
I rolled my eyes. "Silly Bella. Don't you see how well you're doing? How much progress you've already made?"
She shook her head and whispered, "I only see you hurting."
"Well, then you're missing the times when I'm not. When you make it stop. Okay," I said quickly when she shook her head and opened her mouth. "When you make it hurt less. And you're also missing the fact that Kate keeps upping the charge."
"The better to motivate you, Bella," Kate said when Bella shot her an angry glare. "And it's working, isn't it?"
"Indeed, it is. You're doing it, Bella." I paused and then, "What did you do? Can you describe it?" My voice betrayed me. I was a little too eager, too full of relieved excitement.
Bella had done it! Extended her shield! She would only get better with practice. And this practice, much as I hated it, was still preferable to watching her training to fight. Not so much because of the training itself, but rather what - or who - she intended to use those newly acquired skills on.
Bella was a natural care-taker. Protection was a role for which she was well suited, and one that would keep her safer, too.
"Well," Bella said slowly, "it's stretchy, sort of. Like elastic. But it doesn't want to stretch."
I was surprised, both by her answer and the fact that she had answered at all. I waited, hoping she would elaborate, but Kate spoke instead.
"It doesn't want anything, Bella. Your shield is a part of you, and will do what you want. So tell me, what is it we're doing here, hmm? What do you want? Would you like to protect Edward, or are we just killing time until the Volturi show up to kill us all?"
"Of course I want to protect him! And everyone else I can."
"Do you?" Kate, who was a much better actress than Bella, sounded as though she truly doubted.
Bella scoffed, but didn't deign to answer.
"Then prove it!"
Kate grabbed for me again, and I let her. Bella tightened her hold on me a fraction of a second before Kate touched me.
And the fire was… muted. There, but definitely less.
I twisted my arm out of Kate's grip with a feeling of victory.
Bella was panting again, but she returned my proud grin with a tight smile of her own.
"Less?" Bella asked.
"Much," I agreed. "The pain was there, but bearable."
Bella's face fell. "But you felt it, so I'm still not good enough."
"Tell me you're joking. If you can dull that, then I know you can do the same if Jane uses her gift on me. You don't have to stop it completely, because I can do that myself when I reach her and remove her head from her shoulders. All you need to do is help me get there."
"So you're going after Jane now? I thought you wanted Demetri." Bella seemed to make an effort to sound light, teasing, but her voice missed that target by a few miles.
"Regardless," I said with an easy shrug. "You can help me reach my quarry, whomever they may be."
"But I can't even keep it up for a whole second, and most of the time, I can't do it at all, and I don't know how or why or what I'm doing wrong!" Bella choked over the last word, and I thought if she was still human, there would surely be tears filling her eyes.
I followed her gaze to see Nessie, Zafrina, and Senna strolling along the river, with Jacob dragging his heels a few paces behind them.
Ah. Yes. It was quite different knowing I could handle the pain, but what about if - when - Jane turned her stare on our daughter? I didn't want Renesmee feeling even a twinge of pain from that sadistic vampire's powers.
"Bella, Bella," I moaned, brushing my lips over her face. From her forehead to the corners of her eyes, along her round cheeks and down to the place under her ear that somehow still felt unbelievably soft. "You aren't doing anything wrong. You're learning. Keep learning. No one can ask for more."
I beg to differ.
I glanced over my shoulder to where Esme still stood a few paces behind me. In her mind it was clear. She wanted to ask us to stop.
Emmett thought we should stop too, but only so Bella could switch to fight mode. There was no way I could handle that right now.
"But perhaps it is time to call it a day. It's early still, I know, but it's been far too long since you last hunted, and you may find this easier after you've fed. Besides, Nessie is thirsty, and for that matter, so am I," I added when it looked like she was thinking along the same lines as Emmett. I linked my fingers through hers and tugged. "Hunt with me, Bella."
"'Kay," she agreed to my relief.
When we returned home, I busied myself with our daughter's night-time routine while Bella slumped on the couch and stared into the cold fireplace, looking for all the world as if she might curl up there and go to sleep.
No matter the other circumstances, I delighted in the homey acts of tucking my daughter in and singing her to sleep. I only watched her dreams for a short while. They were full of Zafrina's illusions tonight. The friendship developing between the two was amusing. Zafrina seemed to enjoy the novelty of Renesmee's pictures as much as Nessie enjoyed hers.
Bella hadn't moved an inch when I came back to the living room. Her eyes were unfocused, and I wondered what she was seeing instead of the empty fireplace.
"It's strange," Bella mused as I sat down beside her. "Physically, I feel like I could demolish a tank. Mentally, I just feel drained."
I couldn't remember what it felt like to be tired, but for Bella, the experience was fresher. And then, too, she had retained so many of her human memories, she surely remembered the feeling of exhaustion.
She needed something to distract her, to take her mind off everything.
What did humans do when they needed to relax and unwind? Comfort foods wouldn't work, and we had just fed in any event. Bella had never been one for watching television, and if she'd wanted to read, she would have grabbed a book already.
Was there anything I felt like doing? Something Bella might enjoy? Aside from the obvious, of course. She didn't really seem in the mood for that just yet.
After the day of fire, even though the pain was gone now, I thought it would feel good to immerse myself in a nice, glacier-fed lake. Short of that, our tub was big enough for two, and it would do the job just fine.
"How about a bath?" I suggested.
Oh, what it did to me when she smiled and looked at me out the corner of her eyes. They were light gold again, and I was glad I'd taken her hunting, to have been able to provide for her in some meaningful way.
From the expression on her face, I thought the idea of a bath appealed to her, but she didn't act on it. My eyes were drawn away from hers, away from her half-lidded gaze and the curve of her lips to her other curves. Curves that were hidden now, but it was my privilege to expose them.
I was so lucky to be a vampire, to be unchanging and eternal, to know I would feel this way for the rest of my very long life. Centuries from now, millennia from now, I would still feel the incredible, overwhelming joy of knowing that Bella loved me back. All we had to do was get through these next weeks, and that future was ours. Forever would be ours.
Could Alice see it as clearly as I did?
Bella pressed her forehead against mine as I leaned close to plant a kiss on her shoulder. She wasn't likely to enjoy a bath while fully clothed. I should fix that for her. I reached for the top button on her shirt, eased it free, then reached for the next. I loved that I didn't have to move at a human speed anymore, but there was something to be said for taking one's time, not moving too hastily.
She no longer reacted with goosebumps when I trailed a finger over her exposed skin, but I still heard her breath catch. She turned her smile on me in full. The force of it hit me like a charge Kate could never hope to equal. Did she even know the power in her smile? How it made me feel the life thrumming in every one of my cells?
Her eyes lost their look of weary worry and took on a teasing glint. "I do remember how to undress myself."
"Yeah," I laughed. Of course she did. "I just do it so much better."
She'd always been better at keeping things light and casual than I. Should that surprise me? She was better than me at everything. With, perhaps, one or two notable exceptions.
I waited, hoping she would counter my claim, or invite me to demonstrate it, but her smile faded and her eyes returned to the empty fireplace.
After her successes today, I would have thought she would be in better spirits, but it was as if all her progress was meaningless. Good, but not good enough. Hadn't she already said as much?
Perfection was a seductive idea, and she came as close as any creature to ever exist, but I had still felt pain from Kate's power.
Could Bella believe, after everything she'd been through, that she would fail? Did she continue to entertain the ridiculous notion that she wasn't good enough to be with me? That she still wasn't strong enough to keep up with the supernatural world?
Watching her now, it seemed so.
And I had always reinforced that idea, hadn't I?
Time and again Bella had been proven right. Stubborn fool that I was, still I'd refused to believe in her. Renesmee, our wedding night, Bella's feelings for me… I had only ever doubted her.
Was it any wonder that she doubted herself now? When I, who should have been her most devoted champion, had never believed in her?
Oh, how I knew I had never deserved her.
Telling her how amazing she was never seemed to be enough.
Lucky for me, I had proof readily available. Our daughter, whose very existence had changed everything we believed about ourselves. It had been Bella who'd made that happen. If Carlisle and Esme were the heart and soul of our family, Bella had been the one to breathe new life into all of us.
The furrow was back, a deep v between her eyes. Whatever her silent thoughts, they weren't pleasant ones. I needed to erase that worry, to make her believe in herself, as I did. As I should have all along.
"Bella?"
Her eyes met mine again. Questioning. Ever curious.
Did the dazzling thing even work now that she was a vampire? She still dazzled me, so I had to assume so. I did my best to tell her with my eyes and my voice that she had always deserved my awe.
"I've had a bad habit of underestimating you. Every obstacle you've faced, I'd think you couldn't overcome it. And you just did." I laughed softly in amazement. "You're the reason I have something to fight for. My family."
I hoped she understood. Bella saw things no one else did. She must see the gift she had given me and how she had changed us all. Through the sheer force of her willpower, the strength of her belief, Bella had brought Renesmee into the world. If she just believed now, I knew we would get through this.
For what I knew would not be the last time, I wished I could hear where her thoughts were taking her now.
Bella didn't speak, but her lips curved up in a smile, and her eyes melted. She let out a quiet laugh and gave a little shake of her head, then closed the slight distance between us to press her lips to mine, as if in that one action, she felt she'd said all she needed to.
I had to agree. The joy that exploded in my chest at the touch of her lips had no equal. Bella loved me unconditionally, and ah, God, how I loved her. She kissed me again, with a warmth I returned, but then she pulled away to watch me. Curious again. Always so curious.
I bit my lip, torn between desires, then ran my hand down the length of her silky hair, wondering just what she wanted, as she'd never quite said. She leaned into my caress, but when she didn't climb into my arms, I supposed I had my answer.
Well, that was fine. There was more than one type of intimacy. And truly, there was something to be said for taking things slow.
"I'm gonna get the water running." Though I was reluctant to put any space between us, I left her on the couch. I didn't have long to wait before she joined me.
