By the time Alice found me, I was in pretty bad condition. I had been trying to beat up trees and run but I had just tired myself out and hurt myself. I had sat silently for an hour and listened as hard as I could, but hadn't been able to hear anything quieter than some nearby rustling leaves. I didn't smell the mouse before it scampered past me. But worst, it had been two days since I had bitten Bella, and I still could not keep from crying when I thought of the danger I had put her in, and what would happen if I had taken too much of her blood…
I was listening for people's thoughts when Alice found me. She seemed to come silently out of nowhere, and stood watching me for minutes as I listened for thoughts and heard nothing before I noticed she was there. She looked concerned and cautious, but I ran to her and she hugged me while I wept for Bella.
Through my tears I choked out, "Where is she?" and I fell to the floor, gasping with relief when Alice told me she was okay, but in a lot of pain, and had just been moved from the hospital to our home.
"Alice, I've damned her." I said.
"Edward…" she began, but then changed her mind. "Can you hear my thoughts right now?"
I looked at her, my tears startled into a brief lull.
"No." I whispered.
"I didn't think so." She replied. She explained to me that she had been trying to tell me that Bella was okay when she first walked up, and she had been worried when I didn't respond. She had quickly realized that I hadn't noticed her presence. I explained to her that I couldn't run. That I couldn't hear, or smell, or…
"I'm so sorry, Edward." She said quietly.
"Do you… have any idea what's wrong… with me?"
"No."
We stood in silence for a few moments, and I began to pace back and forth. Finally I told her that I wanted to see Bella.
"That's not a good idea. She's not… she's not in very good shape right now."
Worry started to boil in me and I think I may have let out a growl. I hated myself. I hated myself for what I had done to Bella. Alice must have sensed this because she quickly tried to comfort me.
"It's what she wanted, you know that." She said. I stared at her and had to turn away, because I knew that Bella didn't have the information to make that decision on her own. I should have talked about it more with her. I knew she would have changed her mind.
But then what would I have done when Bella's heart stopped?
I laid down on the ground and thought. Eventually Alice told me I had to go home, but I wouldn't leave. She sat down gracefully beside me and asked if I would at least stay in a hotel. She told me I had to get inside somewhere. I guess I agreed to this, because I recall her picking me up and taking me somewhere. But I was consumed by guilt and hatred for myself, and sat in a violently remorseful stupor for days.
