Harry Potter: How I Met Your Mother

Chapter Seven: The Dangerous Mister Bond

DISCLAIMER: The world of Harry Potter, its characters, its plot, and its situations are the creations of JK Rowling and belong to JK Rowling, Wizarding World and warner Brothers. I do not own them. I do own the Woodbines and their associated OC's.

I do not own any rights to what's-his-name and any books, movies, audio books, games, or whatever about him.

This story is written for my amusement and because I do not like the Dramione genre.

-How I Met Your Mother-

I suppose I can now talk to you about a certain Muggle acquaintance of ours, a man I now believe whose presence made your mother's and my courtship possible. He died recently, and I suppose I can say a little bit about him. Don't expect me to tell you very much: his was a trail of danger and secrets and death. Some of those secrets may still be deadly even now, so I would not recommend talking about him outside of the family. He wasn't the sort of man I'd ever be mates with, but I would definitely prefer to stay on his good side.

The first time I actually met the man was my second encounter with him: I don't think I need to retell the story of my brief but eventful visit to the village of Peligroso. The second time I met the man, I was at Da's shop, doing what I could to keep the story tidy and the stock properly arranged and presentable when a man in Muggle dress walked through our door, bold as brass. I recognized him immediately, and to my alarm, he recognized me. He nodded, then started looking over our stock. His eyes, demeanor and body language were still frightening even without other gun-carrying Muggles to distract him. He was a very dangerous man.

Your grandfather had left me in charge of the shop. I realized that I couldn't ignore him: I'd have to deal with him. I approached him as I would a dangerous duelist: slowly, carefully, with both of my hands visible and in front of me.

"Can I help you, sir?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied. "I'm looking for Mr. Woodbine." I suspected that he wanted to talk to your grandfather. I very much doubted that he had anything to say to me.

"I'm Tristan Woodbine, if that helps," I said brightly.

"No, I'm looking for Uther Woodbine," the man replied. He smiled at me, then said "I remember you. We met a few days ago."

"I remember," I said. "I'm glad to see that you're all right."

"My father has gone out of the shop to run some errands," I said. "He should be back in about an hour to an hour and a half. I could take a message if you'd like or you could come back later." I did my best to keep my voice and expression helpful: this was not a man I cared to offend.

"I'll ask you to take a message for me," he said. "Tell him that James Bond came around to his shop and sends his greetings. That's all." I already doubted that his surname was Bond and I noted that he was using the mirrors my Da had placed here and there to track my movements. I decided that it would be wise to keep my hands visible. He paused at the door to let in another customer, Mrs. Kaerdwin, a woman I knew to loathe both Muggles and Muggle-born wizards. To my surprise, she smiled and nodded at him as if he'd somehow managed to charm her. As the door closed behind him, I wondered how he'd managed that.

Your grandfather returned a short time later and I told him about our unusual visitor and his message.

"Bond, eh?" your grandfather's jovial tone turning to something more serious. "Over six feet tall, red hair, light blue eyes, physically fit?"

"Yes, sir," I said. "He moved like he was a cat in human form or a duelist."

My father's expression changed to one of concern.

"I see," he said. "Tristan, I want you to make me a promise."

"What sort of promise?" I asked.

"I want you to never, ever talk about Mr. Bond or mention that you've seen or had speech with him," said Da.

"Not even with you or Mum?" I said.

"You can tell me if you've seen him or if he's talked to you," said Da. "As for the rest of it, I'll talk it over with your Mum. Don't tell Titus."

"He seemed dangerous," I said.

"He is dangerous," said Da, "very much so."

That was the first time I ever met Mr. Bond. I didn't see him again until after I'd left Hogwarts.