One week passed by. Talia hadn't heard from Cassian, and she never reached out to him. What was she supposed to say to him? What was she supposed to do? Pretend nothing happened and just keep going on with their lives? No. What Draven sent him to do was disgusting. Not the mission itself. But the extra added onto it. There was no need to kill the rest of the family. It had left her bitter.
Especially when she was called upon to meet with Draven.
When she walked into the small meeting room, Cassian was already standing there, hands behind his back. He looked at her, his stoney expression melted and his mouth moved to say something. Nothing came out. His eyes turned downcast and he clenched his jaw. The claw marks on his face had nearly healed all the way. Only a few scabs remained. His grip tightened, the muscles under his brown captain's jacket moving.
Talia glanced around, not wanting to meet eyes with Draven. The walls were bare. Cold. Made of gray steel that made it feel as if she were in an Imperial holding cell. There was a round holotable in the center of the room, blank and awaiting for something to be requested. No chairs. No files. If anything, Talia would think this would be Draven's private office so he could pace and dive through holographic files all day. It matched his personality, or what she knows of it.
Draven spoke up from behind the holotable. His voice seemed to boom against the walls, even though he was speaking at a normal, reprimanding volume, "This is what happens when you don't follow orders."
Talia didn't know what happened, but that was such a horrible thing to say. As if these orders were supposed to be easy, especially on the mind of the soldier. A knot formed in the pit of her stomach at how brash and careless he seemed for their wellbeing. "I'd like to see you pull off any of these orders. You wouldn't be able to."
"I'd pull the trigger on any Imperial that stood in the Rebellion's way, Ms. Revik. The difference is I don't obtain guilt from it."
Talia was about to retort until Cassian spoke up, "Why did you call us here?"
There was a period of silence where all Draven did was sigh. His fingers tapped against the holotable to bring up exactly what he wanted. A display of some type of ruins showed up, circling around slowly so they could take a better look at it. "This used to be a market. Thirty civilians dead. A dozen or so stormtroopers perished or went home with injuries." Talia and Cassian glanced at one another. Draven kept the silent suspense a little longer, a smug expression on his face. He was relishing the moment. "We have reports coming in that this bombing is being blamed on us." Another hologram popped up. This time, it was a boy. "This is the culprit."
Talia gasped. Cassian tore his eyes away from the projection. It was the same boy that they tried to spare. Now, he was a murderer, and he died anyway. He closed his eyes for a brief moment, and the horrid words came out of his mouth. "A false flag operation."
"Precisely. One that would not have happened had you followed through."
False flag? He posed as a rebel and the people believe it? Believe that the cause wants to hurt them rather than free them? The blood in Talia's veins boiled the more she thought about it. The more she could see Draven's smug face. He simply adored the fact that he was right, not the fact that killing a child would have messed Cassian up entirely. "You didn't tell Cassian there was a child in the house because you knew he would reject the mission like Essja had."
"All Captain Andor needed to know was what I informed him. This Imperial had scandocs on so many of you. You're failing to see the importance of this mission," Draven held steady, his expression not waning.
Perhaps he absolutely loved the superiority. Maybe he loved to rub the fact that he's right in people's faces. Or maybe it's the fact that they disliked each other that made this all the much sweeter for him. Talia shot back, "He completed the mission as far as the important part goes. It was the extra tacked onto it that bothers me, and it should bother you. An innocent child? Come on, Draven."
That seemed to get him ticking. He straightened his posture and looked her right in the eye. The tone of his voice lowered, much more grave than when he was discussing what happened to that market. "I am your superior and you will address me as so."
Huh. So it is the superiority complex. "I don't have to."
"I let you stay on as a spy because Captain Andor asked me to. I can rescind that offer, if you'd prefer," he replied sharply.
Those words dug into Talia's skin farther than she would have liked. Was he implying he'd have her killed? Put on some horribly boring rebel outpost installation? No. She's seen too much. Heard too much. He'd definitely have her killed. How would Draven do it? Have another spy kill her? Send her into a trap? Draven wouldn't risk Cassian's safety, or his loyalty to him. He must have been bluffing. But that deadly look in his eye made Talia question otherwise.
"Everyone, calm down." Cassian looked between both of them. He lowered his arms and let his stoney expression fall. A flash of sympathy grazed his face, and it was quickly placed with remorse."This is a setback for us, yes. Can't you see that tearing us apart is what the Empire wanted from this false flag operation? Give us an extremist name to match with Saw Gerrera's? We have to prove to the people we are there to help them, not turn into another Imperial hold over the galaxy."
Draven wasted no time to dig into that remark, "With what resources? We are barely making it as is. We do not have time to play house and spend time and effort trying to get people to side with us on a planet of a huge Imperial communications center!" He sighed deeply and closed his eyes. His voice returned to a calm, quiet level, "You two are dismissed."
The Queen of Ord Gimmel had been one hundred percent accurate. Nothing would satisfy him. Talia's free hand curled into a fist. She glared daggers at him before turning around to leave.
Draven remarked one last time, "Oh, and one more thing. Those documents you two secured on Ord Gimmel were fake. A waste of time, if you ask me."
Cassian watched as Talia turned to say something. She clenched her jaw so tight that Cassian feared she would break a tooth. Whatever she was thinking, she decided against it and walked out. Cassian nearly followed suit until Draven spoke just to him.
"I don't know what you see in that girl."
A million things flashed across Cassian's mind. How could he see her as if she were nothing? Think that she is just a waste of space? That she never was meant to join the cause and they'd be better off without her? How could he not see Talia how Cassian saw her? The real her? He stopped in his tracks. "Hope. I see hope." Without another word, Cassian walked out.
The hours dragged on. Talia sat on her bed, snuggled into a corner, resting her good arm on her knees. She swished around the hard alcohol in the bottle she had, lost deep in thought. Or, well, as much thought as she could have in such a clouded state. Those documents were falsified. Traps. But why would Fulcrum mention those documents? Why send them there at all? Was there really a long lasting mole in the Rebellion? Goosebumps formed on Talia's arms, and spread up onto her back. It scared her. Scared her to death. Who knows what else this fake Fulcrum had done, or who else they got killed.
There was a knock at the door. "Talia? Can I come in?"
She'd know that accent anywhere. And in a circumstance like this, she didn't want to face him. Didn't want to face the fact that killing a child was better in the end than letting him go free. But she had to eventually.
"Come in."
The door slid open and Cassian took a step inside before shutting it behind him. A wave of the smell of alcohol hit his senses, and he could see the half empty large bottle in Talia's hand. He awkwardly stood there for a second before deciding to sit next to her on the bed. There was nothing to say, nothing he really could say at the moment to make anything better. This had to be weighing on her just as much as it was on him.
Talia stared at the bottle in her hand and remained silent for a long time. They sat there in a comfortable, yet uncomfortable silence. When she started to talk, her voice cracked and she cleared her throat. "I was on the planet Corellia for the longest time. Hid there like a coward after my husband killed Anhira." There was a tinge of malice still left in her voice upon remembering, but what stuck out more prominently was the shame that crawled in. Hiding was an insult to who she was.
"The Corellian Resistance rose up and tried to go against the Empire. I thought they were brave. Almost gave in and joined their cause. But…" Talia trailed off, eyes wandering from the bottle to the wall. Anything to not look him in the eye. Cassian waited patiently, not trying to rush her at all. When Talia started back up again, she bit her lip hard, "I was young. Frightened. Not for my own life, no. Afraid of losing my daughter during the war."
The topic had been so rough for Talia, yet here she was spilling her guts to him. Maybe it was the alcohol, or what they had gone through during that last mission. Hearing stories about her daughter had always caused such joy for Cassian, but this one sounded more somber. Less heartfelt and more serious. The thought hit Cassian like a brick. She never told him of her daughter's end.
Talia sucked in a breath as the memories flooded through her mind. Her bottom lip started to quiver. "It was her first day at school. I walked her into the small class and gave her the biggest hug. Zara begged me to take her home. She didn't want to be there…" She took a big swig, then wiped underneath her eyes for rogue tears. "I should've listened." She exhaled loudly, attempting to not break in front of him.
"How did she…" Cassian paused, not wanting to finish. The fact that he might see her break sent chills through him. He knew what it was like all too well. He never would wish that for her.
"A big firefight broke out an hour after I left. The Corellian Resistance tried to reclaim the city and drive out the Imperials." Talia stopped and took in a deep breath. "There were bombs thrown from both sides. Vehicles crashed into buildings. Gunfire scorched the walls. People were…people were slaughtering one another. Once I heard about it, I raced over there. I had to keep her safe." She sniffled and blinked back the heavy tears assaulting her eyes. "By the time I got there, it was too late. I found her in the street. A woman had tried to shield her from the blasts, but it went right through her." Her chest heaved for a brief second, and she quickly wiped her eyes with her sleeve. "If I would've listened to her, I could've-"
Cassian set a steady hand on hers hesitantly and interrupted her, "There's nothing you could have done. Everything happens for a reason." That was why she fought so hard to spare the child. Losing her child in such a way where she felt powerless because her past decisions still weighed on her. Perhaps saving another child might have helped patch the wound of regret. Of doubt. Of self-depreciation because she couldn't save her own. She succeeded, but at a cost too great.
Talia moved her hand away and clutched the bottle tighter. "Yeah? Well here I am, six years later. The Empire isn't dead. I'm responsible for so many innocent lives when all I did was save a child. And one of the only people that I trust thought about murdering him."
"I didn't do it."
"There is still a part of you that thought about it."
"Do you think I wanted to do that? I didn't have a choice. Draven didn't give me the details. All he said was to eliminate the Imperial and whoever else was in the house. I thought it would be just her spouse! Maybe her parents." Cassian leaned back against the wall in defeat. "The Rebellion is hanging on a thread. If anything threatens that, I'm going to be ordered to take care of it."
"Who have you become, Andor? After all this death and destruction…who are you?"
"Someone who's lost everything. Someone who's vowed to end the Empire one mission at a time." Cassian halted. He curled one of his hands into a fist to refrain from getting angry. He wouldn't stoop to her level when she was drunk, or getting there. A bitterness settled in his tone, "Someone who never got to live."
Talia finally looked at him with glassy brown eyes. "I'm sorry."
"It's not you who should be apologizing for that." Talia watched him, then turned away to take another drink. Cassian shook his head, his chest filled with so many conflicting emotions. "One day, you will understand everything happens for a reason. Right now, your mind is too clouded."
"Or I'm not as broken as you are."
"Don't start something you don't want to finish."
Talia shot back, "You know you don't have to follow through with every single mission Draven sends your way. Essja rejected it before it was handed to you."
Cassian clenched his jaw. "You're in shock." He'd seen this too many times with too many people. Rebels. Civilians. Injured Imperials before Cassian finished them. It all felt the same, except this time it didn't. It pained him, the aching feeling going straight to his heart.
"So are you."
"I'm handling it differently." Which in his defense, was the truth. He didn't go to drink. Didn't torment himself. Didn't lock himself away in his room solely to reflect.
"By bottling it up inside." She scowled, the thought of such an action provoked it. She hated when he bottled things away. Hated it when he didn't tell her how he felt, how he was doing, how his thought process was going. He didn't need to when he just kept it all inside. "I know you, Andor."
"You don't know what I've done to survive." He turned his attention to her, eyes locking with hers. It was an easy flow to go into what he's always wanted to say, "While we are on the topic of surviving, let's focus on you, Talia. You always throw yourself into harm's way."
"It's to protect you."
"Bumblefluff."
Nonsense? Nonsense? Really? Talia almost scoffed, "If I die on a mission where it could have easily been you, then I have done my part for the Rebellion."
Cassian shot up, planting his two feet onto the ground. He raised his voice, "You have a death wish! This is so much more than protecting me."
Talia leaned forward, catching herself by placing her hand on the bed. The tears in her eyes had mostly gone away, but there were still some glimmers of fresh ones right on the brim. "Isn't that what the cause expects from us? To sacrifice ourselves for it when the time comes? You're a high ranking officer for the cause! Why can't it just be me that ends up on the wrong side of a blaster?"
Cassian stepped closer, lowering his posture to get on her level. His dark eyes shone brightly with fire behind them, but his voice reflected anguish, "Because you're suicidal, Talia!"
"I have nothing to live for!"
"You have me to live for!" He closed his eyes for a short period. How could she say that? After all they've been through? Throw all of their time, effort, and emotions right out into the vacuum of space! Her words stabbed Cassian in the heart, the pain in his chest growing by the second. The tone of his voice lowered, much softer than before, "As long as I am breathing, you have me."
Talia's eyes widened. An outburst like that? She wouldn't have dreamed of it. Every day, they stepped closer and closer to being so open and honest with each other. Except life had other plans and always threw a wrench into the equation. This was a very big wrench. "We can't base the concept of living wholly on a person. That's not right."
Cassian opened his eyes and he stood up straight. His eyebrows furrowed. "Do you know what's not right? Being angry at me for accepting the mission when all of us were at stake. They had our identities, our faces, previous locations, safehouses, everything."
"I'm not angry at you for accepting the mission! I'm angry you-" Talia stopped mid-sentence and sighed.
"I could not risk the Empire getting to you."
Talia peered up at him, waiting for him to say something else. Bring in some snide remark. But instead, he didn't. She held out her hand and took his in her own. Gratefulness filled her heart, attempting to push to the side the hostility and regret. "Thank you." She squeezed his hand. After getting back from a tough mission and having to go on another? Risk his health and his life just to protect every single one of those scandocs? It was worth it. Talia couldn't deny that.
Except, her eyes flickered down and a new emotion spurred her chest. She dropped her hand, and Cassian's along with it. "I just...I feel so lost. I've lost who I am. I used to refrain from killing and...look at me now. A murderer. And the one time I try to do some shred of goodness other than for the cause, it backfires immensely."
So much time had passed along their adventure that he didn't stop to think about that. Did his actions make it easier for Talia to become who she is right now? She used to hate killing. Used to hate when he killed. Even Imperials! She had a line so close to her that she wouldn't cross, while Cassian's was a mile too far. His stomach flopped.
"I got caught up in everything. Swept up in the grand scheme of the Rebellion. I forgot that those Imperials are still people." Talia took another drink. "The first person I killed was my best friend."
Cassian's eyes widened, but softened immediately upon seeing her so torn. So broken. With her spilling all of this information to him, he realized how close they were. He had done the same thing on Life Day. Spill what he was thinking. Now, she was doing the same. He sat down next to her and used all of his strength to not set his hand on hers.
"Gak Kirys. That man could speak Huttese and make the best trades in the market." Talia looked at him, eyes dark and nearly dead. A look he knew all too well when he looked at himself in the mirror. She continued, "He found out I was a Rebel and tried to go to tell the nearest Imperial outpost. I had to kill him in an alley with his own blade." She tore her eyes away, not looking at anything in particular. "I vowed to not kill after that. Then Fulcrum sent me to Coruscant where I met you later on. And I broke that vow. I've lost so much of myself and I'm terrified of who I'll become."
Killing someone was never easy. Never. It would feel easy at first when the adrenaline is coursing through Cassian's veins and he felt like he could take on the world. When he slows down to actually think? It hits him like a star cruiser. He couldn't imagine how much pain it would be to take out someone he was close to. He hadn't needed to before. Fellow rebels that wanted to leave? Fellow informants that were distracted? Sure. Hurt like hell, but they were never close. "You and I have grown so much since we met. Most of it for the better. We can prove we can work as a team." His eyes wandered away from her regret-filled face. "You're also not the only one who has gotten worse."
After a few moments of silence, Cassian noticed she was waiting for him to explain. A knot formed in his stomach and all he could think about was shutting his mouth. Bottling it all back up. But where would that get him? Nowhere. Back to ground zero. In order to salvage what relationship they had, he had to try to meet her halfway. His hands shook in his lap, so he started to play with his fingers to not reveal it. "I have these horrible nightmares. Kaytoo calls them night terrors. Memories of forsaken parts of my past. Murders I have committed." He paused, flashes of his last nightmare crossing his mind. "Murders I might commit...I wake up in cold sweats. My panic attacks have gotten worse. And honestly, I don't know how other spies do it. How they can live knowing they've done terrible things."
"They have standards. Lines they don't cross. You nearly crossed one when you thought about killing that child."
Cassian understood. He understood how she felt and why. The hard part was showing her that he felt pain as well, but for much different reasons. Anger scraped through his veins as torment twisted his stomach. Cassian kept his voice soft, "Do you know how that child would have ended up? He'd have to go through therapy to realize what the Empire is doing is wrong. That child has been brainwashed with propaganda and life lessons that are completely different than ours. After he'd come out with his brain scrambled, the Rebellion would try to recruit him. Why not? He'd have nothing else to go back to at home. That boy would end up on a path that's only going to mess him up more. With his Imperial knowledge, they'd make him a spy. Like us."
"But we could have helped him. Done some good for the galaxy." Talia peered up at him with glassy eyes. The fact that they could have saved him, even the slightest chance, killed her on the inside. He could see it in her eyes. If she were sober, maybe it would be easier for her to accept his side as well.
"To live the life of a rebel? Do you know what that has done to my colleagues? To me?" A portion of his anger bubbled passed the surface, his nostrils flaring as he got closer. He wanted to point and raise his voice, but held himself back. "The Rebellion is not what you think it is! You see the good in it, but never the ugly. We save people all the time, but we take lives too. In a war, there is no good or bad. There is only what you're fighting for. I have done things I am not proud of. Killed numerous people that we once found helpful, or Imperials who weren't completely aligned with their leader's politics. I've killed little bits and pieces of myself over the years agonizing over all of this! My parents have died for this cause. My friends have lost their lives for freedom. I have lost so much already. Why would I want to put him through this? That's why I hesitated. Maybe death is easier. War is no place for a child."
Talia's eyes widened in surprise. All of that information overloaded her brain, and he could see it in her eyes that she tried to process all of it.
Over time, this was partly Draven's fault. Making hard decisions and having others execute them. Mon Mothma had brought it up a couple times to Cassian in passing. What is the rebellion to do with the care that these scarred rebels need? If Draven was handing out these orders against the Senator's wishes, is it up to the Senators to monitor him? Or is it to the rebels to decline? There was no good way out of this. No outcome that would favor either side. Draven had methods that proved effective at the cost of the health of the rebels. Cassian never had an answer for her.
A question from earlier had still gone unanswered. Cassian had turned the conversation back towards Talia. She rebutted, "Why do you let Draven walk all over you? Give these orders that you don't agree with and still follow through?"
"Don't you understand that the Rebellion is a delicate thing? It could fall apart at any time. Draven is helping keep it together, whether we like it or not."
"And you don't have any problems with his orders?"
He nearly shrugged. That wouldn't do the situation any good. "Of course I do. But orders are orders."
"There's something wrong with that though! You know the Senators have disagreed with his methods! Mon Mothma knows about his way of thinking. He gives you orders completely different than what the Senators agreed on!" Talia nearly yelled out. She faced away from him a bit, her voice bouncing off the walls instead of hurling itself like a dagger at him.
"Do you really think I don't disagree? Try to find some way around it? This isn't a game. This is real life. If my friends and I didn't follow orders, then where would the Rebellion be? Just bones. Nothing left to its name. No money. No rebels. No hope." He blurted out without thinking, "You don't know how many people I've killed. I was given orders to terminate you, and I didn't. I thought about it more than once."
A breathless whisper barely made it past Talia's lips, "W-what?"
Of all the things his brain could have automatically said, it was that? Really? He couldn't have left it at the no hope part? Cassian's heart sunk more once he saw the pain strike her, causing her to reach out and regain her balance. He couldn't imagine what was going on with her emotions or thoughts. His words most likely struck her like her words did to him earlier. Cassian closed his eyes tight and sighed before he continued, "You chose to stay loyal to the Rebellion. I couldn't kill you. Not when you wanted to stay."
Talia's voice was softer, more innocent than he's ever heard before, "Would you have killed me otherwise?"
Cassian immediately averted his gaze once he opened his eyes. With her voice sounding like that, he could only imagine the expression on her face. The silence became deafening. "You have continued to surprise me on every mission we've been on. I never expected someone as random and loyal as you. I never expected to...to like you so much." He rubbed the back of his neck to ease some tension. "If I knew you the way I do now, I wouldn't have thought about it in the first place."
"And if Draven wants me gone? Would you be the one to do it?"
"I wouldn't." There's hesitation. Not in his voice, but for what more he wanted to say. All the possibilities. If Draven did want her gone, it would not end well. But would he give up his life in the Rebellion to protect her? His life was the cause. To be on the run...it felt weird to even consider. But there's that glimmer of hope he saw with Talia. That future maybe one day they could achieve. Cassian always imagined it could be after the Empire's reign was finished, and they could finally retire to simply live. Gah! When did this situation become so difficult? Cassian shook his head. "I won't let that happen."
It didn't take much brain power to see how angry he was. How close they were to each other. How calm and soft he became in an instant. Talia mulled over the words repeatedly in her mind.
Without looking at her, Cassian couldn't tell how she felt.
Talia reached her hand out to place it on his shoulder, but quickly stopped herself. "I need some air." Talia attempted not to stumble on her way out, leaving Cassian alone.
Alone once more in his life.
