So sorry it took me two weeks to post more on this story. I have been writing on this chapter since I posted chapter four, but for some reason I felt it wasn't good enough. Today I think I finally have it. I'm breaking the main theme of it into two chapters. Chapter five will carry most of it, but I think it needed to be divided.
Thanks for all of the great feedback, I finally got this story started on another site and it's doing really well, so that I'm grateful. I love where this has the potential to go, I want feelings to be felt and emotions turned upside down, laughs
Mid-way or some where about'sin bold and italics I wrote in a flashback scene. I mentioned before that I would write in back history when I saw that it was needed. This story doesn't need too much, but upon writing this I knew that this particular flashback would be needed. I hope you enjoy and hopefully no one cries and if you do, I'm sorry, I think!
p.s. I did start a new story called, "Then With You I Will Cry" If anyone is interested, only one chapter up so far!
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Chapter Five
Slowly his vision became blurry, throwing the room into a clouded shadow. He tried to lift his left arm, then his right to his face but pain shot through his nerves, instantly bringing about a cry in shock. The couch was digging into his back as he clasped onto the sides of the brightly colored cushions, poking slightly into the back of his head. Opening his eyes once again Tommy was angered at the cloudy like fog that once again blurred his vision. Three weeks had now passed since the devastation had started, by the second week the doctors had him on a set schedule for medications, now as the third week began Tommy felt the effects of both his illness and the medication.
With Doctor Jacobson's recommendation Tommy took off two weeks from work, long enough to get over the side effects of the new medications. Due to him not wanting to go through chemotherapy and radiology again he had been put on steroids to help reduce the size of the tumors, as well as pain medications. The first two days he had felt fine, but as the week slowly turned into two Tommy felt worse as the hours passed. Nausea woke him up all hours, blurred vision clouded his ability to navigate through the house, and the fast spreading spinal tumors were sending his body into physical turmoil.
As if on schedule Tommy would feel paralyzing pain throughout his arms and neck more than twice a day. Never able to pin point the exact moment the occurrences would appear the pain medications were slow to circulate throughout his body. Some bouts lasted longer than others, he could be stuck in bed during the night for hours waiting for the wave to pass, most often the pain only lasted a few minutes before disappearing.
Drawing in a ragged breath Tommy felt beaded sweat slowly begin to slip through his hair, leaving a trail to fall down his face. Closing his eyes tightly he counted to three before rolling quickly over to his right side, facing the living room of his house. Pain shot through his neck as he tried to lift his head off of the pillow.
"Dammit," His curse bit through the empty room as his breathing increased to fast puffs of burning air.
His hands tightened against the cushion, deepening his imprints almost to permanent in the expensive sofa covers. Silently counting to three Tommy rolled his body into a seated position. His routine had become almost comical, first he would move to his side, count to whatever number he thought he could move on, sit up, then the last part. The part in which he dreaded. His feet sunk deeper into the carpet as his body tensed, "Come on, you can do this," Speech after encouraging speech, he always tried to find a way to talk himself into getting up. When the pain lasted longer than an hour he knew he was in for a few more, those bouts more painful, more devastating.
With his head as still as he could keep it Tommy slowly began to scoot himself closer towards the edge of the cushion. If his neck could stay still the pain lessened to a dull ache--- forgetting about his arms at the moment he continued to scoot until he felt his bottom hit the edge. Rolling his hands into fists he planted them on the cushion before slowly unfolding his legs into a standing position.
"There," Sighing in relief Tommy used his sore arms as a guide. Maneuvering himself around the now blindly familiar house.
Jude complained that he did not keep his pain medications with him, seeing as some of the time the body numbing experiences came about out of no where. This was a time he regretted leaving the bottles in the bathroom. When Jude had left earlier that afternoon to buy groceries Tommy had felt fine, he had laid down for a nap---waking up to the pain had been rough, worst of all was the occasional spells of blurred vision. "Normal" is what the doctors said, whenever he found himself temporarily blind, Jacobson would remind him of the tumor he had pressing against his brain. Who would not experience such symptoms if they had that happening in their own heads? A question Tommy hated the answer to.
The cool walls felt wonderful against Tommy's warm skin as he made his way through his bedroom into the master bathroom. His fingers slid across the stain-wood finish of his and Jude's dresser before once again connecting with another wall, this time he felt the door way to the bathroom, pushing past the half open door Tommy felt his way to the sink.
After opening the medicine Tommy popped a few pills into his mouth, washing them down with a handful of water from the facet. Gripping tightly on to the counter Tommy coughed in attempt to hold down the bile that rushed to greet him. Some medicines were easier for him to take than others. Three times he had the doses and prescriptions changed, when he had found himself constantly sick after each required dosage.
Dry heaves assaulted Tommy as he stood with his hands clinching on to the counter top. His knuckles turned white from lack of blood flow, his arms ached, his neck was shooting pain throughout his shoulders, worse of all his eyes clouded over again, casting his already dark life into an eerie shadow.
"I'm afraid the results are not what we had hoped for."
"What do you mean?" Tommy questioned from his seat across from the doctor.
"The lab works show a tumor forming on your brain," Doctor Jacobson spoke from his seat.
"W-what?" Gasping Jude covered her mouth with her hand to keep from crying out,
"Tumor?"
Nodding Dr. Jacobson looked from Jude then to Tommy, "We seem to have caught it in time. It's progressed enough to be a concern but not so formed that we cannot cure it."
"So," Shaking his head to understand what was happening Tommy asked, "So-- what does this mean? I mean what happens now?"
"My staff and I will want to run some more tests to make sure there are no other spots forming, then we discuss treatment routes."
Nodding mutely Tommy glanced over towards Jude. Her eyes were closed, but he noticed the bubbling tear that formed outside the corner of her eye. The sight nearly breaking his heart. They had been laughing and joking about everything just an hour before hand. Waiting for the doctor to show up. Tommy had been smiling, he had been smiling non stop since they found out about Jude's pregnancy.
A month had hardly passed since Jude and Tommy found out they were expecting a baby. Tommy had been overjoyed by the news. The smile that had curved his lips never left, he was going to be a father….Jude a mother, they had made a baby. He could not have been happier. Even though he had been sick, the love that blossomed his heart over powered his restless nights and rough days.
Two weeks flu like symptoms plagued his nights and stole his days. Jude had tried to get him to a doctor but Tommy thought the bug would pass, co-workers had been coming down with the virus and each one of them said after two weeks they felt as good as new. Waiting it out--- at least he thought he was.
"Jude," Tommy nudged Jude on her shoulder, trying to coax her from sleep, "Jude wake up."
"No," Mumbling Jude snuggled closer into Tommy's body.
"Jude wake up something is wrong."
A migraine boomed inside of his head, the pain that ultimately pulled him from his sleep. All hours the day before Tommy had been fighting off a terrible headache, the pressure blurring his vision for at least three hours. Darius had finally sent him out complaining he was better off at home--- Jude had come in later fully concerned when Tommy spoke in slurred speech, his arms and neck were stiff, not to mention the numbing sensations that flushed his face.
Jude stirred from next to him, groaning from lack of sleep. A habit Tommy always loved about her except for now. His head pounded but he was fully alert when he tried turning on his bedside lamp and realized that he could not see. Panic filled his veins as he roughly shook Jude again.
"Wale up Jude, something is wrong."
"W-what?" Opening one eye then the other Jude pushed herself up only to curse from the light filling the bedroom, "What's going on?" Sleepily she questioned.
"I-I can't see."
"You can't see?" Leaning over Jude looked down into Tommy's face. He was pale, sweat beaded his forehead, "Can you see anything?"
Shaking his head, "Is the light on?"
"Yes," Worry defined her voice as she pushed the blankets off of her body, "Does your head still hurt?"
"Worse than it has."
"Stay there, I'm getting dressed then were going to the hospital."
Jude and Tommy had joked the first week about Tommy having sympathy sickness. They fought for the bathroom during the morning hours when Jude was up battling morning sickness, whereas Tommy was running in at the same time battling what he thought to be the flu.
"What kind of treatments?" Jude finally spoke up from her seat.
"Well, after we run more tests," Looking from Jude to Tommy Dr. Jacobson spoke with care, "The best option would be Chemotherapy and Radiation treatments, some medications work but the results are slow to start, the most effective way is through chemo."
"And my chances of being cured?" Tommy asked.
"Are very good because of the time we caught it," Sighing the doctor lowered his tone, "I always like to stress that even though chances are good for a full recovery, nothing is ever set it stone."
"And that means?"
"Even with treatment, there is always the possibility a patient will never recover."
Silence greeted Jude as soon as she stepped inside her house, Aidan slept quietly in his carrier as she balanced three bags of groceries in one hand and the baby in the other. News of Tommy's returning cancer had been spreading like wildfire throughout the music industry, someone had leaked the news to the papers, ever since then Jude had been fighting off grieving fans every where she went. Her plan had been to take the baby and run to the grocery store as fast as she could, two hours later she walked through the garage door entry feeling exhausted. Fans had been drooling over Aidan while telling her how sorry they were to hear the news of Tommy.
"Tommy, I'm home," Calling out Jude maneuvered through the small hallway into the kitchen. Carefully setting the seat holding a sleeping Aidan on the carpet she set the bags down on the counter. Tommy was no where in sight, although she thought she heard water running from her bedroom, "Tommy?"
Stepping away from the kitchen Jude curiously walked towards her bedroom in search of her husband. This had been a good day for Tommy, he had seemed fine when she left, normally Jude would have asked Sadie or Victoria to pick up the essentials. Diapers, baby formula, or odds and ends for the house, seeing that Tommy was good she had taken off, needing a way to escape the house if only for a few minutes.
"Tommy, you in here?" Running water filled her ears as she entered their bedroom. The bathroom door was open, "Everything okay in here?" Poking her head into the bathroom Jude found Tommy leaning against the sink.
"I can't see," Tommy spoke through clenched teeth, "God I hate this."
"Did you take your medicine?"
"Yes Jude," Tommy snapped.
"Are you in pain?"
Tommy brought his right arm up to his face before answering, "When am I not?"
"Is there anything," Jude began. Reaching out to touch his hand, "I can do for you?"
Pulling away from Jude's touch Tommy turned the water off with his free hand, his vision slowly began to come back into focus as he stared at himself in the mirror. He hated what he was becoming, his body was weak, his mind was shadowed with dark thoughts.
"I'm trying here Tommy."
"I know," Turning to face his wife Tommy opened his mouth to speak, "I-uh," Shaking his head in annoyance he walked past her, leaving her alone in the bathroom.
"Why is it every time something goes wrong you shut me out?" Jude asked as she followed him out of the room.
"I don't."
"Yes you do," Catching up to him Jude placed her hand on his shoulder, "You always did this to me, and now you're starting up again. It's like you want to deal with this on your own."
"I'm not doing this right now Jude," Tommy stepped through the bedroom door shutting off any further comments from Jude.
"You aren't doing this at all! That's the problem," Anger rushed through her as she followed Tommy out into the living room, "Ever since you started taking your medicine you've been treating me like crap."
Tommy stopped mid-way into the room and faced Jude, "How is that?"
"You don't ever tell me how you really feel, then you spew off sarcastic remarks all day long."
"No I don't."
Laughing in mock humor Jude threw her hands up in frustration, "I walk on eggshells around here, worried that one wrong move will set you off. This isn't easy for any of us!"
"This is happening to me," Poking a finger against his chest, "This is happening to me Jude, I'm the one dying, I'm the one suffering, I'm the one, me."
Tears clouded Jude's vision as she stared across at her husband, he looked helpless standing there, she felt broken. Tommy's cancer was taking him, but it was also taking her, she lived with the ramifications daily, just like he did. Whenever they fought, which was constant lately, Jude would surrender, like she was doing now. Looking up into his eyes Jude silently nodded before walking away. Her white flag hung, swaying in the air.
"So that's it?" Tommy spoke from behind Jude, watching her put away the groceries she had left on the counter, "You pick a fight, then walk away?"
"Isn't that what you want Tommy?" Jude opened the cupboard to put away the cans of formula she bought for Aidan.
"No Jude, you know that."
"Why are you in here, I thought you didn't want to get into it?" Closing the cupboards quietly Jude shot him a questioning glare.
"I'd like to understand what you meant by you having to walk on eggshells around me."
Aidan picked that time to wake up, his small cries filled the room as Tommy and Jude faced off in the kitchen. Both parents unwilling to move, both hurting and suffering, yet fighting their own battles at the same time. Tommy's statement rang in Jude's ears as she felt almost relief fill her at the chance to flee from the room. He never wanted to finish an argument, at least not when he didn't come out the victor. Aidan's cries became louder, letting his parents know he wasn't happy. Tommy gazed down into his carrier, Jude followed his eyes, Aidan balled his tiny hands into fists as he moved them grumpily into the air. Upon seeing him words Jude never thought would appear in her head again slammed into her. "That baby will be the one that will brighten your days when they seem to be so gloomy."
Oh Lucy, I wish I had your strength.
"He has your temper," Tommy commented as Jude kneeled down to unfasten the safety belt holding Aidan in his seat.
"I beg to differ," Smiling underneath the pain Jude lifted a crying Aidan into her arms, "Shh. Mama's here," Cooing into his ear she rocked him in her arms.
"You're a good mom."
Jude trailed kisses down Aidan's cheek as her eyes met Tommy's, "Yeah? You're a good dad."
"This isn't fair," Shaking his head in anger Tommy walked out of the room.
"What?"
Jude made her way out of the kitchen and into the dining room. Tommy had stopped, a picture on the wall of their wedding day, a picture of Aidan the day after he was born, a picture of the three of them the day Aidan and Jude came home from the hospital,hung on the wall in front of him.All times Tommy had cherished, now the pictures mocked him as tears warmed his eyes.
Tommy answered in a hushed tone, "Everything, why do I have to die? Why?"
Jude's hand stopped rubbing her sons back. She asked herself that same very question all the time, "I ask that question everyday, every minute."
"It hurts Jude," Tommy's gaze fell from Jude's falling until they lay on his son's small form, "You get to be his everything, and I get to die."
"Tommy, that's not true."
"Yes it is, I get one year, one year to put all my love into him, for what?" Tommy's voice rose as he spoke, "Oh yeah! Nothing, Aidan will never remember me, he'll never know what it was like to have me hold him, or having me tell him how much I love him, never. All he'll have is a picture of what his father used to be."
"Don't say that."
"Why not? It's true."
