Guess who's back! I am forever sorry for how long I took. I won't go on and on about why. BUT I will say I hit a major road block with this story, I had no idea how to get the words out. I knew what I wanted but words would not form! So I took a break away from writing altogether. I decided I would finish writing this story before posting anything. SO hopefully without any interruption I can post the rest of this story over the next few days.
This chapter will be broken down into three parts; not very long parts but I felt it needed to be divided to break it up. Chapter eleven is important for emotional reasons, I think everyone knows what's to come, so this is kind of a lead into what will ultimately be the rest of the story.
Thanks for all the comments, they have been nothing but kind and I truly appreciate all of them, and all of you. Without further ado here is chapter Eleven.
Chapter Eleven
Two months later…
As Tommy laid in bed Jude found herself falling apart. Sixty more days passed, Tommy was still hanging in, but his condition had taken a turn for the worse. One day he had been up and walking around the house, the next he could hardly manage to lift his arm on his own. Tommy's condition failing as fast as it had surprised Jude; for the worse. Jude sat on the edge of her bed facing her husband. Tommy had fallen asleep gripping on to her hand. His chest rose and fell in unsteady rhythms, a new progressing tumor on Tommy's spinal cord to blame. His skin gray and chalky, all normal color drained as the days passed onward. Running her thumb over Tommy's knuckles Jude felt unshed tears fill her eyes.
Days recent Tommy was becoming more uncomfortable with his pain levels, the medications Doctor Jacobson had prescribed took longer and longer to take affect, leaving Tommy in more pain than any of them wanted to see. Sleepless nights Jude found herself dealing with each day, Tommy kept her awake with his shallow breaths and groans of grief. Fear wrapped around her as she tried to make things easier; only to feel like a failure in the end.
Tommy tightened his hand in hers, Jude watched carefully as his breaths began to shorten in length. She found herself watching her husbands breathing more often, ever since the thoracic tumor spread in size. Anxiety, Jacobson informed Jude when she called him in a panic, as the tumors spread over Tommy's spinal column his breathing was being challenged. Pain also caused by the tumors normally triggered a bout of anxiety, many patients experience the side effect when their bodies are thrown into a whirlwind. Jacobson had provided Tommy with more medicine to relieve the anxiety, only to turn around and take Tommy off of them when they were of no help. The main source of air to Tommy's lungs was from an oxygen tank. He used it during the night and sometimes throughout the day when he needed it.
"Shh, it's okay," Jude whispered as Tommy's face grimaced in his sleep. Her hand still held on to his, "It's okay," She repeated, more to herself than to him.
The room around her was silent, closing her eyes Jude let the ticking from the clock blend in with Tommy's breathing. Her only time to sit and rest. Jude thought back to when she was younger, watching her father sleeping. Stuart tried to explain to her he was sleeping with his ears open. Up until Aidan was born Jude never understood what her dad had meant, now sitting on her bed, she knew.
As her body relaxed she opened her ears. Aidan was asleep in the next room, taking his nap. Thankfully for Jude Aidan was a great baby. Although he had his moments where Jude was unable to put him down without having to listen to him cry. On those days she was truly miserable. Tommy needed round the clock care, so did Aidan. Victoria and Sadie helped out when they could, which was not as often as Jude could have hoped. Taking care of a baby while watching her husband die was fast taking a toll on Jude's physical well being. She was running low on fumes.
"Jude?" Tommy hoarsely asked.
Her eyes opened slowly, "Hmm?"
"Water."
"Okay," Releasing his hand Jude slid off the bed, yawning while she made her way over to Tommy's nightstand, "Sleep okay?"
Tommy blinked before he responded, "Not really."
Jude nodded in response, her gaze flickering over her husbands frail body. This was what her life had turned into. Tommy was thinner, weaker, miserable, the exact opposite from the man she once knew, the man she had fallen in love with. She shook her head, clearing away the web of sadness from completely sinking her mood. Reaching out she took hold of the small white cup holding his water.
"Ready?" Jude asked when she turned around.
"I guess," Came Tommy's weak response. With her free hand Jude leaned over the bed and gently propped her right arm under Tommy's head, inching his face closer to the cup.
"Tell me when it hurts too much," She whispered touching the straw to his lips. Tommy sucked in a few sips before he began to cough, "Take it easy love," Jude coaxed.
Tommy's doctors had warned the couple about eating and drinking. Tommy's brain tumor plus the spinal tumors pressing against his nerves, his motor abilities fast became his biggest challenge. Over the weeks weakness in his face paralyzed Tommy's ability to drink and eat on his own. Jude spoon fed him his meals, he tried to drink but mostly came up chocking when he had trouble swallowing on his own.
Jude pulled the cup away from his mouth, giving Tommy a moment to let the liquid slid down his throat. Tommy looked up at her with misery in his eyes, a look he only held when he felt useless.
"Don't say it sweetheart," Jude began as she stepped in to speak before he did, "You're doing a fantastic job on your own, remember smaller sips."
Tommy closed his eyes in response, sighing slightly he felt the bitter sting beneath his lashes, "Still thirsty," He whispered hoarsely.
"I'll get some ice then."
Water melted in her hands as she gently slid the cold ice cube along her husbands lips. Tommy's eyes opened and closed as he followed her movements. The cool liquid slipped between his lips, wetting his tongue before sliding down his throat, providing his body with the hydration it needed.
Jude's fingers shivered beneath the chilly cubes as she continued to gently run the melting water across Tommy's mouth. Breathing slowly Tommy opened his eyes and stared into Jude's. She looked sad, her eyes rimmed with red, lines from missed sleep shadowing her skin. His heart broke at the sight… lifting his hand up Tommy placed it over Jude's as she continued to run the ice cubes along his lips.
"Jude?" Tommy's voice coming out a whisper.
"Yes?"
His eyes filled with tears before he said, "I love you."
Jude's hand stilled beneath Tommy's as his words paused all her motions. She had been lost in another world, trying to keep her focus, then Tommy spoke…
"I love you too."
Soon after Tommy fell back into a restless sleep, Jude remained standing there minutes afterwards, staring down at her fragile husband. Listening as Aidan began to cry from his bedroom. Stuck, she was trapped, with no way out. Water droplets fell from between her fingers as the ice cubes melted from the heat of her skin. Dragging her wet hand across her face Jude began to cry, Aidan was crying and so was she. Aidan wanted his mom, and Jude wanted her life back.
The hallway passed beneath her feet as she rushed out of the room, passing by the door where her crying baby lay in bed waiting for his mother to come pick him up. Jude ran into the kitchen before falling to her knees, sobs overtaking her entire body. She had cracked and now she needed help.
Part Two
"Mrs. Quincy, we feel that with the condition your husband is in, he should have round-the-clock care. It's in his best interest you have an in care Hospice nurse stay with you, otherwise you may need to think about placing Tom in a hospital."
Pressing the phone closer to her ear Jude answered, "I-I'm at a loss for words."
"I understand," Doctor Jacobson replied.
"You understand?" Bitterness filing Jude's rising voice, "My husband is dying doctor! You understand what I am going through? He's in pain and I can't do a damn thing about it! The love of my life is in pain he's suffering!
Every day when I help him sit up, when I have to hold his cup when he drinks, when I have to change him because he lost bladder control, when I have to hook him up to oxygen every night, when I lay in bed night after night wondering if he will be here when I wake--- everyday that breaks my heart! And you understand?
Explain that one to me!" Jude yelled heartbroken into the receiver.
"I'm sorry, that was a terrible choice of words."
"Yeah it was," Jude spat.
"This is going to be hard for you to hear Mrs. Quincy," Dr. Jacobson began, "Tom has developed more small tumors on his thoracic spinal region."
"What does this mean?"
Listening carefully Jude heard papers being shuffled around before the doctors voice echoed in her head once again.
"Along with the tumor on his lumbar region, and the two on his cervical column, these tumors are painful. We discovered them early enough to control symptoms with medications, but at the rate of the tumors showing up, there's nothing else we can do."
"What are the symptoms?" Jude's question followed by a heavy sigh.
"Pain in the chest, especially when coughing, sneezing and even lying down occur."
After a long pause Jude cried into the phone, "Oh God."
"Tommy's already lost muscle tone in his legs, his back is tender and sore from the lumbar tumor. With the cervical tumors he's already feeling pain in his neck and numbness in his arms. His brain tumor had diminished in size, yet the damage is there.
Your husband has blurred vision, minor short term memory loss, slurred speech, small bouts with confusion, severe headaches. With the newly found tumors, I am afraid his pain levels are going to be outstanding.
His overall weak state is too much for you to take on further by yourself. It's in Tom's and your best interest to have Hospice take over his care."
"W-what happens after that?" Trying to process all the information Jude forced herself to keep from crying, "I mean-- After the nurse comes-- w-what does a-all of this mean?"
"The nurse will make sure all of your husbands needs are taken care. Hospice usually works in teams of physicians, nurses and volunteers. Physical and emotional assistance is offered and will be provided for Tommy."
"Why do I have a sick feeling you are leaving something out?"
A sigh from the doctor filled Jude's ear before he spoke, "It is our wish patients in their final days be as comfortable as possible."
Gasping Jude's voice cracked, "Final day?"
"I am really sorry Mrs. Quincy," Pausing to find the right words, Dr. Jacobson continued, "Any treatment at this point would fail, it would only cause your husband more pain. The tumors on his spine are spreading at a fast rate. His tests show signs of more spots forming," His words lingering in the air he shuffled through files looking for Tommy's X-ray's, "I will issue a higher dose of pain medications and with Hospice I'll order more oxygen.
Most patients in Tommy's state have shortness of breath more often, making it very uncomfortable and scary. I am concerned because of the thoracic tumors. The pain in his chest may at times be too much."
"I'm listening doctor--- b-but, final days has left completely shocked," Wiping away tears Jude continued, "Are these my husbands final days?"
"I cannot say for sure."
"Please tell me."
"After reviewing all his charts and seeing how fast his tumors are appearing, I would estimate, one month."
Jude grabbed hold of the counter to support her wobbly legs, leaving her knuckles to turn white. Closing her eyes against a new wave of tears she could hear Jacobson's breathing through the phone, that and her pounding heart as it began to break even further.
She had known this day was coming, everyone from the specialist to family and friends, every one of them sat her down trying to console her. They would hug her while she cried against their support, wishing for a miracle. Even with all the preparation those five words "I would estimate, one month," left Jude weak and utterly heartbroken. Slowly turning around Jude faced her family.
"I-I can't," Breaking down Jude sunk into the nearest empty chair. Covering her face with her free hand she slowly began to shake as her cries slowly filled the air.
"Sweetheart," Sadie spoke crouching down in front of Jude, "What's wrong?"
Through her tears Jude replied, "H-he said o-one m-month."
Gently Sadie pulled the telephone free from Jude's shaky grasp. Standing straight she placed the phone to her ear then spoke, "Hi, I'm Sadie, Jude's sister, she's no longer able to continue this conversation."
"I'm sorry for everything," Dr. Jacobson replied.
"What is going on?"
"I don't think I should discuss these things with you."
Angered Sadie spoke through gritted teeth, "Doctor, my sister is distraught, she's in no frame of mind to speak. My brother-in-law is in bed seriously ill. Why is it you cannot discuss thing with the family?"
After a long pause Dr. Jacobson answered, "Okay. I told your sister her husband has around one month to live."
"Oh my God."
"I'm truly sorry."
"What needs to be done," Sadie shot a frantic gaze to her parents silently willing them to give her the courage to continue.
"An in care nurse through Hospice needs to take over Mr. Quincy's care," Softly he spoke, "We want him to be as comfortable as possible."
Sadie turned her face from Jude's view before she wiped away a tear, "Is there anything that can be done?"
"I am afraid not."
His words slammed into Sadie full force, "W-what happens now?"
"Take it one day at a time," Sighing in sadness he continued, "Right now our goal is to keep Tom as far from pain as we can. A higher dose of medication should help soon. Family and friends surrounding him, that is always best at this stage.
Any signs of breathing difficulty that cannot be controlled with oxygen, constant headaches lasting longer and more severe than the norm, nausea and confusion happening regularly Tommy will need to see a doctor as soon as possible."
Gathering her composure Sadie questioned, "Anything else?"
"Keep him on track with medications and physical therapy. My experience with patients is they know when they are going to die. Four out of five refused further treatment before they passed on. Why that is, we do not know.
If Mr. Quincy does this, I would assume his time is come. Remember to keep friends and family close, I now Tom would love to have everyone around for himself and his wife."
Jude's hand shook slightly as she listened to the ringing, waiting for the other line to pick up. She had been carrying around a certain phone number for two weeks, holding off as long as she possibly could. Tommy was her husband, she was the one who was suppose to care for him, yet as the days progressed onward Jude found her state of mind weakening, along with her physical well being. She was exhausted in all aspects, her world had been turned upside down and this was her final cry for help.
"Hello?" Finally someone answered.
"Hi, is this Jackie?"
"Yes, who's calling?"
Jude cleared her throat before she answered, "I'm Jude Quincy, I talked to your head office earlier this week. Doctor Jacobson, he, he um recommended you to me."
"Oh right, I was just glancing over your husbands records. I spoke to the doctor and he told me to expect a call from you."
"I'm not exactly sure how we go about this," Pausing Jude bit her lip nervously, "How do we go about this?"
"Are you ready for me to start my job?" Jackie questioned.
Tears filled Jude's eyes as she thought about her answer. She would never be ready, but this needed to be done, for Tommy and for her, "Yes."
"I'll get in touch with the doctor and give you a call when everything is a go."
Part Three
"Mr. Quincy, please just listen."
"Listen?" Tommy yelled from his spot on his bed. Jackie stood on the other side pleading with him to give in, "I tried listening, and now I'd like you to leave me alone."
Jackie sighed before she threw her hands up in frustration, "I feel it's better for you if you move into your own bed."
"Yeah? Well I never asked you. So leave."
Jude's eyebrows shot up in question as she entered her bedroom. Tommy's shouting had brought her for the third time that day to defend Jackie. Two weeks after she had made the call Doctor Jacobson had referred Jaclyn Morgan, a registered nurse working for a small foundation of Canadian Hospice volunteers; to take over Tommy's care. Jackie just a few years older than Jude was short and petite with short brown hair. Jude was worried at first, she herself struggled moving Tommy, now someone the same size, and a stranger was replacing her… Jackie had proven Jude wrong, she was strong and had a temper almost as big as Jude's, and certainly one that matched Tommy's stubborn side.
"What's going on in here?" Jude questioned her eyes moving from Jackie to Tommy.
"Oh you know, just having another one of my suggestions shot down," Jackie exclaimed shooting Tommy a glare.
"No one asked for your freaking suggestions---" Before he could continue Jude held her hands up to silence him.
"Whoa, wait a minute," Her gaze meeting Tommy's frustrated one, "Maybe this one is something we can work with babe."
"I think as a professional Tommy should be moved to his own bed. That way he can rest in peace, as well as you Mrs. Quincy."
"Hell no," Tommy harshly whispered from the bed.
"What do you mean move him? Is that really a good idea?"
Jackie nodded her response. Jude bit her bottom lip nervously trying to think of a way to solve this issue. She had never thought of Tommy having his own bed. The thought of him leaving scared her, she was trying to hold on to him as long as she could.
"Tommy," Jude stepped closer to her husband, reaching for his hand she looked kindly into his eyes, "Let's just hear her out. Maybe it is for the best…"
"Jude, no."
"I only want what is best for you Mr. Quincy," Jackie's nervous voice broke the couples gaze as they both turned to look at her. Jude smiled in encouragement whereas Tommy shot daggers at her.
"Oh really?" Tommy began, "Because I think you're trying to make me even more miserable."
"That's not it at all!"
"Bullshit!"
Jude's eyes widened in horror, "Tommy!"
Tommy ignored his wife, his anger soon turning into sadness, "I'm staying right here! I will not move and you or the damn doctor can't make me. This is my bed and will remain my bed until the day I die. I will not sleep anywhere else."
"All patients have qualms about leaving their beds, and their spouses, but in the end they learn to adjust and find it more comfortable in the end."
"Are you married Jackie?"
Confusion contorted her features, "Um… no."
Tommy squeezed Jude's hand as his next words fell out on a hoarse whisper, "Then you don't understand. I may be dying but that does not mean I can't feel things. Having Jude next to me every night is comforting, she may be asleep but her presence is there. I can feel her, I can hear her breathing, and that makes me feel good.
Move me and you might as well kill me because there will be nothing left. Put me in another room in a bed by myself and I'll be alone and forgotten."
"It's not like that at all---" Jackie struggled to find words as Tommy's piercing blue eyes turned harsh once again.
"Jude's my wife, she's my everything and I'll be damned if some nurse is going to waltz into my life and tell me how to fucking live it! So go call the doctor and tell him to shove it because I'm not leaving."
"I-I had no intention of upsetting you Mr. Quincy."
"Jackie could you give me a minute with my husband?"
"Yes of course."
After Jackie had left the room Jude turned to face Tommy, "Sweetheart, you don't have to do anything you don't want to."
"How could they ask me that Jude?" Tommy's eyes filled with tears as Jude's hand held his tighter, "I don't want to leave you."
"You aren't. I wont let it happen."
"They'll move me and I'll be alone Jude, I'll die in there by myself and no one will know," Tears fell from his eyes rolling down his cheeks.
Jude's own eyes filled with tears, her heart once again breaking a piece more. Taking a seat next to Tommy on the edge of the bed she leaned in and kissed away his tears before resting her forehead against his.
"Shh, don't say that! You are going to stay right here with me, okay?"
"Promise?"
"I promise."
