Chapter Thirteen
Four Years Later…
Walking barefoot through the grass Jude clutched her discarded shoes in one hand while the other gently held the small hand of her son. Four years had passed since Tommy's death, four incredibly long and rough years. She could not believe she had survived four days let alone years without having Tommy by her side.
After the funeral Sadie had opted to move into Jude's guest bedroom, staying with her to help Jude function with the day to day routines she felt too numb to do. Having her sister living with her had been so nice, Sadie was a saint. Aidan was so little and small, he needed so much care, care and love Jude was not able to give him.
Thinking back on the first month after the death Jude felt a pang of guilt swell inside of her gut and heart. She never planned on turning against her son, but the pain she felt over the loss of her husband shattered her, broke her so thoroughly she needed guidance just to walk on her own again. As much as she needed and appreciated Sadie's constant care Aidan was the one who ultimately pulled her out of her depression.
Sadie had gone out one night claiming she needed to get out of the house for a few hours, trusting Jude to take on her role of mother once again. Jude had repeatedly asked her sister not to leave her alone with Aidan, but Sadie heard nothing of it, she reassured Jude she was more than capable of being left alone, at least for a few hours. Fear had flooded through her, Jude had been terrified, the only other time she had been that scared was when she found out Tommy was dying.
How could she be so scared of her own son, how could she look into his eyes and find resentment because he resembled his father so much, how would she ever be able to look at him and find herself smile?--- those questions had been racing through her head that night when she was sitting on the couch while Aidan slept curled into the fetal position next to her.
Aidan's even breathing filled the silent room as he slept next to his mother. His pajama clad body curled into a sleeping position. Sadie had given him a bath and dressed him for bed before taking off. Jude felt so ashamed, no mother treated their children the way she was. Tears threatened to fall as she quietly watched in agony.
Tommy would be disappointed, Sadie was, and now Jude was finally realizing she was fast falling to the bottom; once she hit she knew there would be no way back up.
"Oh God," Jude's hands lifted to cup her tear stained face as a sob broke lose, "I'm sorry."
"Mama?"
Jude's hands fell, startled out of her thoughts she looked over to see Aidan pulling himself into a seated position. His big blue eyes held worry and confusion, "Mama? Cry?" Before Jude could answer him Aidan's eyes filled with tears.
"No," Instinctively Jude reached for her son, pulling him on to her lap, "Don't cry, mommy's just sad."
His little head bobbed up and down as small alligator tears slipped from his eyes. Children always sense when their parents are upset, Jude always had with her mom and dad, and now her son was crying because she was crying. Lifting him up Jude pulled Aidan against her chest, kissing the small patch of brown hair covering his head.
Memories starting from when she first found out she was pregnant, through her long painful delivery, Tommy's death, the weeks following, good and bad… all of them flashing before Jude as she ran her shaking fingers through her sons hair, letting his tears soak into her shirt.
Aidan's fingers pressed into Jude's arms softly rubbing her skin, sending chills throughout her entire body. He needed his mom… and Jude was finding out she needed her son. The only way for them to move on was to find love and comfort in one another.
"I wuv you," Aidan's tearful voice murmured against Jude's chest.
She smiled, her first smile since Tommy had died. "I love you," the first time Aidan told her he loved her.
"I love you too kiddo," Pressing a kiss against his forehead, Jude smiled again at her son. He looked so much like her husband, another reminder Tommy would always be with her.
"Mommy?" Squinting from the sunlight Aidan looked up into his mothers eyes.
"Yes?"
"When will I ever get to see daddy?"
Her first instinct was to run, she knew questions would start coming. Aidan had just turned five the previous month, two weeks into Kindergarten, mingling with children who had two parents. Sucking in a deep breath Jude gently grabbed Aidan's other hand, squeezing them softly before opening her mouth to speak.
"I don't know. One day you will get to see him again."
"Why can't I right now?" His curiousness cutting into Jude.
"Because daddy is in Heaven, remember?"
Aidan nodded, seeming satisfied with her answer, "Can we go to Heaven right now?"
Jude smiled at her sons innocence, she would love to be with Tommy at that moment and every moment, "I sure wish we could sugar, but right now we're supposed to be here."
"Why?"
"Some questions have to go unanswered," Releasing one of his hands Jude cupped Aidan's chin bringing his face to look at hers, "Daddy was sick, he had to go to Heaven to get better. When people go to Heaven they wait for their families to come join them. So one day when it's our time me and you will get to go see daddy, and we'll get to stay with him."
"Do you think daddy is singing?"
"I do," Jude closed her eyes to wash away the tears threatening to fall. Oh how she missed her husband.
Looking up into the sky Jude watched as clouds drifted by, guarding the gates of Heaven. I love you sweetheart… Jude mouthed before smiling down at her son.
"Want to know what I do when I want to see your dad?"
"What?"
"I just start talking, I know daddy is out there somewhere watching over us. He may not be able to talk back, but in my heart and in yours, he's always there."
Aidan's eyes widened in excitement, "Can I talk to daddy right now?"
"If you want to."
Aidan grinned before running off. Jude watched in surprise as he sat down on a swing at the playground. His mouth moving a mile a minute as Jude made her way to him.
"This girl Jenny, she kissed me on the cheek. Like mommy does, but this was gross, she had slobber and it was yucky. I told her it was icky and she started crying," Jude grinned as Aidan chattered on without noticing her presence, "Mrs. Tucker, my teacher, she helped me make a card for mommy, to make her feel better. Mommy cries sometimes. She doesn't know, but I can hear her and it makes me sad. I miss you daddy," His little legs began to kick out in hopes of getting the swing to move.
"My favorite story is Moon, Moon, mommy tells it to me every night… she sings me the song you wrote me, the one about the pirates. I can't wait for Halloween, I get to pick out my costume, I want to be just like Jack Sparrow. Mommy tells me no, she says Jack drinks bad things and acts like someone I shouldn't be… instead to dress the way you would have, she said "Captain Tommy" is the best pirate out there."
"He is," Jude spoke from next to the swing-set, "He is the real role model, besides he was way more cute than Johnny Depp."
"Mommy!" Aidan made a face of disgust before nodding his head, "I look like daddy right?"
"Sure do handsome," Jude grinned.
"Then I guess I can be Captain Tommy."
"Good decision," Jude walked around the swing to stand behind her son, "Need a push?"
"Yes."
As the hours passed Jude and Aidan stayed at the park playing until the sun began to set. Stepping back Jude took a seat on one of the swings pulling Aidan into her embrace she helped him on to her lap. Digging her bare toes into the sand Jude gently began to rock the swing back and forth, holding on to her son, watching as the colors danced across the sky.
The wind whispered across their faces as Jude pushed the swing higher and higher, enjoying the moment with Aidan His laughter filled the air, and her heart. Pulling a piece that had fallen and gently putting it back.
Kicking her legs in and out Jude felt Tommy's presence with her, as she held on to their son she knew her husband would always be in her heart. Over the mountains the sun winked goodnight before disappearing behind the trees, leaving the sky to twinkle with the moon and the stars.
Nighttime slowly approached as mother and son let their moment free them of sadness, at least for the moment, it was their time to be happy again. To find love and to begin their journey together. Aidan's laughter was soon joined by Jude's as the swing lifted higher and higher. His small hands reaching for the stars, waving to his dad.
