Chapter Four
Elizabeth cast her eyes down at his bandaged arm, and found herself feeling a little light-headed. Rodney was grinning happily, as if he had just saved the city from an enormous tsunami wave, through sheer guts and glory, which he had. Elizabeth felt she could not even look at his face, and turned away, feigning amusement in John's comment about booking a day off for the next big storm.
She hurried into her office, and closed the door, leaning heavily on it, breathing hard. Damn it! How could she face him? Rodney always saw right through her. She had never been able to lie to him, even with her eyes. Rodney McKay had gone one step too far today and revealed their honest bond for what it truly was – he loved her, and she… cared very deeply… yes… no… she loved him.
Sighing, she closed her eyes. He probably did love her. He was going to want to tell her what he was going to say at the grounding station. There would be no embarrassing cover up as there had been when John was about to die. Sure, John had wanted to express his appreciation for what she'd done for him, and she cared a lot about the brave Air Force Major who had given up so much to join the expedition. But what Rodney was going to say… how could she face that?
She couldn't see how it would work – the two of them. Leadership complicated things. And yet… seeing his arm, the blood, hearing him try to explain - her heart had opened to the truth. It hadn't been love at first, but that's what it had become. Her first instinct was to hide it, like she had done with all her forbidden chocolate when she was a little girl. Only she couldn't hide anything from Rodney. She never had been able to. She didn't know what to do.
She almost jumped when she heard the tapping.
"Elizabeth?"
Rodney was tapping on the door of her office. Wide-eyed, she looked left and right. The door was concealing her, but he only had to take a step to one side and peer through the glass panel to see she was there. Not to mention he'd probably seen her come in here.
Sighing, she turned around and slowly opened her office door. There he was, peering at her like she was the most precious thing in the world, and he was worried he'd broken it.
"Elizabeth, are you OK? I guess I need to talk to you, but… I mean, you don't usually close your door, and I know we just almost lost the city… I thought…"
She almost told him. She almost explained why she had to run away. She almost told him how strongly she felt about him.
"Sorry, Rodney. I just needed a moment. If you'll excuse me, I… Rodney?" She noticed again his poorly bandaged arm, "You really did that dressing yourself, didn't you? You need to get it seen to properly, OK?" She reached out to him, touched his shoulder. She pulled her hand back quickly, feeling irrationally as if he would sense her feelings through her touch. His face was confused, even hurt. She could tell already that he knew she was keeping something from him.
"I will," he said quietly.
Elizabeth knew he was watching her back as she hurried away to the stairs. She rushed to her quarters and climbed onto her bed, squeezing herself into the corner and hugging her arms around her knees. Part of her wanted Rodney to be holding her. She'd always felt good around him, and today he'd protected her with his life. She wanted to thank him, tell him that she… cared very deeply for him. But she was so scared. She'd never felt this way about anyone. Not like this. She'd never been so honest about everything with anyone before. Taking it any further was terrifying. Yet this was one thing she knew she could never hide. There was no secret hiding place for this feeling. No hole in the wall to push it into. No crack in the tree to conceal it. No four-hundred-page agreement to slip it into.
She wasn't sure how long she sat there. Finally, brushing a threatening tear from her eye, she slipped off her bed and began to make coffee. She needed to do something, that was for sure. She wasn't quite ready to face the mess hall.
Just as she poured the dark, hot liquid into her cup, she heard him at the door. She startled, almost spilling the coffee.
"Elizabeth, I know you're in there." Rodney sounded concerned. "Do you know what time it is?"
With a deep breath, knowing she couldn't really hide forever, she opened the door and let him in. He carried a tray of food, enough for at least four people, never mind two.
"Where have you been? It's late, you obviously haven't eaten." He fussed about at the table, putting out some food.
Elizabeth hugged herself tight as she watched him taking things from the tray and laying them out. She looked at his arm – he had a fresh, more professional bandage on it, and he now wore a short-sleeved uniform shirt. He must have taken that visit to the infirmary after all.
He turned around, and looked her up and down, "We can eat… or we can talk." He visibly gulped. They might be open with each other, but this was much more personal.
She blinked, rubbing her hands over her upper arms. "Thank you, Rodney. For bringing food. I appreciate it."
"I was worried about you. You're not…"
"Acting normal?"
"No."
She sighed, "You always see right through me, Rodney." She looked away.
He paused, before he said quietly, "You're hiding from me, aren't you?"
She daren't say anything. She hated to let him believe it was because she didn't want to hear what he was going to say at the grounding station, but her fear was paralysing her.
Rodney reached around and picked up the tray. "It's OK. I understand. Just make sure you eat something."
He stepped forward, towards the door, but paused as he was close to her. "Sorry," he murmured, and moved away, reaching an arm out to open the door.
Hearing his pain, Elizabeth knew she really couldn't do this to him. "Rodney, wait."
He turned, and she looked at him, her huge hazel-green eyes blinking, betraying a kind of fear. She fought it with all her might.
"Stay. Please. It's not what you think." She walked away from him and kept her back turned. "I know we need to talk. I just wasn't ready. Maybe I'll never be ready. Stay. Talk to me. Please."
Rodney stared at her back for a moment, then sat down at the table, poking at some of the food. "OK… Well… I think you know… I needed to tell you what I was going to say. I wanted to tell you why I stood in front of the gun. But I guess you know why. I'm not real good at keeping my feelings hidden, 'Lizabeth." He glanced up and watched as Elizabeth turned around.
She handed him a cup of coffee, and kept the other for herself, stepping back to lean against the cupboard, holding the cup tight in two hands.
With a small ironic smile, she said, "I suppose I've never been able to hide things from you either, Rodney. You're the only person I've always told the truth to. It scares me." She gave a nervous half-laugh, and took a sip of coffee, trying to keep her eyes cast down all the while.
"So… do you want to know what I was going to say?"
She shook her head, "No… yes… I don't know."
"I need you to know." Rodney pushed the coffee away, stood up, and walked across to her, standing quite close, and took a deep breath, before continuing to speak softly, "I was going to say, if this doesn't work, I just wanted you to know, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever known. You have the most incredible eyes, and a warm heart. You treat me like I'm someone who matters, and I want nothing more than to hold you in my arms and kiss you forever and ever."
Elizabeth looked up into his wide eyes. He looked vulnerable and afraid under the diffuse blue light of her quarters. She couldn't help her incredulous, amused look, "You were going to say all that?"
He frowned, "Yes, well, not exactly those words, I don't think, but something along those lines, probably, I mean, we were under a lot of stress, and the rain and everything, I've pretty much forgotten what my exact words were, but I…."
Elizabeth was giggling now, trembling with mixed emotions, and she slipped one hand from her mug to reach out and touch him, and the whole situation conspired to slosh a wave of coffee out of the mug and over her midriff.
"Oh, damn. Agh." Elizabeth looked down in dismay, depositing her dripping cup behind her, and holding the soaked fabric away from her front.
"Elizabeth! Are you OK? It's not hot, is it? I am so sorry, that is totally my fault." Rodney grabbed the lower edge of his own shirt, and hauled his top off, "Here, quick, take off yours and put this on. I won't look, I swear."
The coffee had been only mildly hot, but her top was certainly uncomfortable, and she wanted nothing more than to take it off. The shock of seeing Rodney remove his own top halted her momentarily, but then she whipped her top off and grabbed his, dragging it over her head as quickly as possible.
"Thank you," she rolled her soiled top into a ball and laid it on the worktop.
Rodney opened his eyes, and wrapped his arms around his chest. "Are you OK?"
She nodded, finding it hard to take her eyes off his bare torso. She knew she was staring, her eyes like saucers perhaps. She tried to flick her gaze up into his eyes, and she was mildly successful.
"Elizabeth?"
"Hmm…?"
"Why are you…? Oh. Wait. Hey, let me see your eyes again." Rodney held his arms out and gently touched her shoulders, as he leaned forward slightly, peering at her.
Elizabeth found it nearly impossible to drag her focus off his frontal exposure, but she did as asked and blinked at him. "Hmmm…?"
He was screwing up his face in concentration, "This cannot be happening. You feel the same way, don't you? Oh my god, you didn't want me to see. I can see it in your eyes. Oh my god, you feel the same way."
It was another of Rodney's half-conversations, where he expected you to follow what was going on, because if you didn't get the point, you didn't deserve to be there. Not that he had ever really had one of those conversations with her, but she'd seen them often enough. It was so enjoyable to be part of this one; she was really finding it incredibly comforting and natural, as well as highly entertaining. Not to mention quite satisfying to watch his rather pleasant body displayed in front of her.
Nodding, she stepped forward until he instinctively wrapped his arms around her, sending a delightful frisson through her body as she slipped her hands over his back. She suddenly felt a liberation of her emotions, and nothing had ever felt so real. "I can't hide it from you, Rodney. I'd be a fool to think I could. I might as well admit it, and enjoy the view." She giggled again, and pressed a kiss to his cheek.
"Oh thank god," he breathed, resting his chin on top of her head, and crushing her close. "I thought you might not talk to me ever again. I was so scared for you today, I really thought…"
Elizabeth pulled away a little, and placed a finger over his lips, bringing silence for a moment. "Rodney. This is terrifying enough. You're making me more nervous."
He stood quietly, his eyes locked on hers, as they reached a kind of equilibrium. Elizabeth finally moved one hand from his shoulder and traced a finger down over his collarbone.
"Aren't you cold?" she found the courage to meet his strong gaze.
"Uh uh," he shook his head slightly, as he continued to look into her eyes.
"Your top is lovely and warm," she ventured.
"Looks good on you."
"Makes me feel… safe. This… Being in your arms… It's good." She could feel his broad hands moving on her, and she'd never felt so truly loved.
He nodded, "Yes. Yes it is. Very good." He leaned in and gently kissed her. "I would have given my life for you… Well, if there'd been absolutely no other option." He glanced away, frowning again.
She smiled, and placed a hand behind his head to draw him closer, "I know." Their lips met again, and the kiss grew deep and intense. Her voice was a warm sound against his mouth, "I love you for who you are, Rodney, and who you have made me. And that's the truth."
FIN
A/N: Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it! Thanks to dahan for some great prompts, which I abused mercilessly, and had fun.
