Chapter 3: the ties that bind
He knew he had to act and do something for the SGC. He knew what Landry and Mitchell were demanding, he knew what he should do for the good of the entire Galaxy. But he couldn't. He was paralyzed. Paralyzed by a fear that knotted his stomach, muzzled his sense of honor and duty. His world now revolved entirely around Samantha Carter, and while in the past it would not have been possible to have his right to happiness, now he could not give her up. Even though he knew he owed it to his country. The idea of breaking the heart of the woman he had loved in silence for nearly 10 years seemed inconceivable. She slept beside him, oblivious to the parasitic thoughts that kept Jack O'Neill awake. The decision to pull her to the SGC rested on his shoulders. Fortunately, Daniel had offered her a little respite in spite of himself. This Goa'uld bracelet story had given him a little time before Samantha Carter's presence at the SGC became vital again.
Gently, he walked the pulp of his fingers on the soft skin of her back stripped by the T-shirt she wore to sleep, a T-shirt too big that she had borrowed in the wardrobe of Jack to cover herself after a hot shower taken to two. The oversized fabric had slid over her skin in her sleep revealing the roundness of one shoulder, the velvety softness of the skin on her back. No wonder she had made the heart of half the men in the Galaxy turn over. An outstanding personality coupled with a body forged by an iron will, Samantha Carter was not only a talented military woman, she was also a fulfilled woman, a woman of head but also a woman of heart. For a time, he had feared she would become another, when Pete Shanahan had been in her life. This relationship ... she had been another during that time. It was as if something had blown away whatever reason existed in her. This man had followed her, made her feel guilty, given her ultimatums and even bought a house without consulting her. And she had put a handkerchief over everything in her that once would have rebelled against such behavior, she had seemed to be under a spell, ready to do anything to find an illusory happiness... At that time Jack had resigned himself to let her be happy without him, to build a life that as his superior he could never offer her.
Then Janet was dead.
(Flashback: 2003 - Colorado Springs)
She was inconsolable and he was unable to find the words, he who was already stingy of words. Then he was content to hold her against him, letting her cry between his arms, squeezing her enough so that she felt safe, but not too much not to oppress her, making her feel free to detach herself from him at any moment. Sitting on the hard floor of his room, he felt his knees groaning under the forced immobility he had imposed on her for hours but, he would not move. She was inconsolable and he could do nothing. He felt the tears running on his cheeks, getting lost in the hair of the woman between his arms. For he too was inconsolable. He had lost men in battle before, sometimes friends, but never before had a death in battle seemed so unfair. Janet should not have died on this planet, she should not have taken that shot, she should not have. Yet it had happened and there was nothing he could do about it. He too had been shot and his death would have seemed more "natural", he was an Air Force Colonel, he walked through the door every day. Janet was a doctor, she stayed at the base and saved them when they returned. She rarely went out into the field. Statistics worked in her favor, but in the end, against a Jaffa weapon, statistics had no weight. Janet was dead. He had almost died. So he held her close, crouching on the cold ground, held her tight enough that her ribs and the stitches in her skin tortured him, but he wasn't about to let her go. No. She was inconsolable and by her side he felt he could let some of his grief show. He needed to be there for her. That's what Janet would have wanted.
"Jack..." The voice was broken, made hoarse by tears and pain. Gently, he ran a hand through his hair to soothe her. "She's dead..."
"Yes Cassie, she's dead." The girl's sobs began again in earnest. She was graduating in a month, she was going to go back to college this fall. Go to medical school. Janet would never see this. It was so unfair. She should never have died like this. Sensing a presence, he gently lifted his head, nestling her head more closely against his shoulder, sponging her tears into the fabric of his shirt. She was standing on the threshold of the room, wearing a civilian outfit, her face was ravaged by grief, she looked so frail, so fragile. She who was always so strong and calm. Sam, Daniel, Teal'c, they were a family, Cassandra and Janet's family. They had to look after Cassandra. He and Samantha had accompanied the general to the announcement of the death of the girl, dressed in their uniforms, solemn though broken. Then they had been there, in turn, as a duo, to watch over the teenager, to soothe and share her grief. Samantha would settle here for a while, then Cassandra would come to her house. That was what they had decided. They would take care of Cassie, together, as Janet would have wanted. Jack simply extended his hand in her direction, without a word.
Samantha Carter's hand slipped into his, gently, he drew her to him, to them. Naturally, Cassie let herself be embraced by the one who had been for her a second mother and by the one who, even if he denied it himself, was the closest to a father.
(End of Flash-Back)
Janet's death had changed something in him. He had given up on Samantha for a while. He had tried to deny it. But when Janet had died, when Samantha had given herself up to him in her room at the SGC, he had never been able to give her up. Even when he had been in stasis in the Ancient outpost, when he had thought of giving his life to save Earth, his last conscious thought had been for her.
Accepting the command of the SGC afterwards, had been a first step. To get away from her, to try to let her live her life. When she had told him about the ring, about Shanahan's request, he had tried to convince himself that it was for the best. By leaving her in charge of SG1, he was still her supervisor and he was looking out for her in a different way... It had taken Jacob's death for him to realize that time was precious, that he couldn't continue like this. That he needed her. That he couldn't live without her.
(Flashback: 2005 - Colorado Springs)
"to Jacob Carter and Selmak."
With one voice, the twenty or so military and civilian personnel present repeated the toast in honor of Samantha's father. The soldier was standing next to her father's oldest friend, General George Hammond, who had just proposed the toast in honor of the deceased. Cassie stood next to them and gently held Samantha's hand, while the audience took a sip of the drink that had been offered earlier. The silence lasted a few seconds and then the conversations started again, each one in his own way maintaining the memory of Jacob by telling memories in which he was present.
Jack stood next to Daniel and Teal'c, saying nothing, not taking his eyes off his former first mate. He had offered his home to host the wake in honor of Jacob Carter. This saved Samantha the trouble of having her home colonized by a delegation of base personnel and a few Tok'ra who had come to Earth for a few hours. With a distracted ear, he could hear bits and pieces of his friends' conversation. Teal'c and Daniel were drinking a soda, Jack had a beer in his right hand. They had raised their glasses, as had all the guests, at the moment of General Hammond's toast.
"Are you agree with that, Jack?" Daniel's voice found its way into his mind as Teal'C's hand came to rest on his shoulder to get his attention.
"What ?"
"I was saying, it's a good thing the Tok'Ra came to the ceremony, maybe we should consider a new summit. What do you say?" It sounded like Daniel thinking about intra-species diplomacy in the middle of a wake. A faint smile passed over O'Neill's lips.
"As long as no grandmaster sets foot in my base, arrange whatever you like Daniel." He noticed as his second in command headed for the French doors leading to the garden behind his house. "I'll give you kids a moment, I'm going to go see if Carter needs anything. Be nice."
She had approached the woods, moving away from the house and the crowd of her colleagues there. She sat in the grass, her legs folded cross-legged beneath her. The black crepe dress she wore wrapped around her thighs. She looked lost and sad, shivering. Jack put on her shoulders the plaid that he had recovered on the terrace before following her outside. She sighed. He sat down slowly near her.
"Sam."
"General." Her voice is cracked, painful from crying so much, but firm. She has regained control of her emotions, she is grieving, she has said goodbye.
"Jack." He resumes her gently, placing his hand on hers. "Is there anything I can do for you, Sam?"
The military woman slowly turns her face towards him, staring at him, a question in the depths of her large blue eyes. She lowers her gaze to the ground, then turns her gaze to the woods in front of them. From the house, they hear the murmurs of conversations and laughter. They are alone. Sam's fingers intertwine with Jack's. Jack's thumb caresses her palm, gently.
"Before I came, I stopped by to see Peter." Jack's hand twitches for a second, just one. But it's enough for Sam to feel it. "He bought a house for us. As a wedding gift. With a white picket fence and a yellow kitchen." She lets the silence settle between them for a minute. Jack's hand, which had frozen at the mention of Peter comes alive, he resumes the caress of his thumb on her palm.
"Is that good news?" He hopes his voice hasn't changed, that he's not letting any of his emotions show.
"I thought it was. No ... I was trying to convince myself... That I could have this life, make jam, raise three or four kids... But I can't." Her voice doesn't tremble. "But I don't want to. That's not what I want. I thought I did, but I don't... My father..." Her voice shakes, breaks, she shakes her head, pulls herself together. "You know what he told me before he died, Jack?" O'Neill says nothing, only his thumb continues to graze her skin gently, sensing that this question is not really a question. "Don't let rules stand in your way." The silence drags on, only punctuated by the caresses of Jack's finger on Samantha's skin. Slowly, she pivots toward him, her blue eyes full of questions. "I don't want to pretend anymore. Trying to convince myself that I want a yellow kitchen and a house with a white picket fence. Trying to convince myself that it's not you I want but this, the house, the dog, the yellow kitchen. I'm tired of pretending that there's nothing, that it wouldn't lead to anything. I want to know, I want to live. I want you, not a fantasy of you, not a ghost of you... It's you that I want Jack. This is what you can do for me. Be with me." Tears overflow from her beautiful blue eyes. The sound of conversation has fallen silent for her. In this moment there is only him and her, only them and this confession she finally dared to make out loud. "I only want you."
Jack's hand gently closes on the curve of her cheek, the emotion conveyed by his chocolate gaze makes Sam's heart leap in her chest. For the first time since Jacob had closed his eyes and whispered to his daughter "I love you".
"Always." Jack's low, gravelly voice fills the air around them, freezing that moment in a perfect moment.
(End of Flash-Back)
Yes, for nine years Jack had resigned himself to trying to be happy, without her. But now, since that moment in the garden behind his Colorado Springs home, since the nine months that had passed, he was incapable. Not after tasting life by her side. Samantha stirs gently in her sleep reacting to her lover's caress of the bare skin of her shoulder. Slowly, he places the shirt back on her shoulder, covering the bare skin, protecting her from the cold. She sighs when he takes her against him, sticking his chest to the back of the young woman.
"Jack..." His first name escapes him in a sleepy whisper.
"I'm here, Sam. Go to sleep."
