Chapter 8 : Collateral Damage
The sound of falling echoed from the other end of the apartment. Samantha Carter froze, her ear to the ground, ready to rush in if necessary.
"You really are the most stubborn man in this galaxy!" An amused smile grazed Samantha Carter's lips as she resumed her task, pouring three cups of a dose of coffee. Cassandra's voice indicated that she was annoyed, but not worried. Clearly, the "convalescent" was not being very cooperative. The young aspiring doctor was having a hard time convincing her foster father to be quiet. However, it was only with the promise to rest that Dr. Keller had agreed that he be repatriated to his apartment, under the medical supervision of Cassandra and Samantha. But the General, who was recovering rapidly, as usual, had difficulty in complying. He could not bear to be so weakened, and each day spent was one more battle to fight against him. Samantha would have to return to the SGC soon and leave Cassandra and Jack. Samantha gently took the tray in her hands and headed for the sick room. She was sleeping with Cassandra in the guest room. An implicit truce had been established between the two soldiers, but neither of them had broken the ice. They were content to behave as they had before, when they were in the field together. As she stepped through the doorway, she froze.
"Sam, can you talk some sense into this stubborn man, please. Me, he doesn't listen to me!" The military put the tray on the small bench at the foot of the bed. Deliberately avoiding to look at the young woman who seemed exasperated, but who tried to help to get up. The vision of a two-star general sitting on the floor in boxer shorts with a grumpy and embarrassed look triggered in her an irresistible desire to laugh. She avoided crossing his eyes, her lips trembled furiously as she tried to hold back a crazy laugh. She passed her arms around the size of her superior and helped Cassandra to sit it on the bed.
"This is ridiculous, I can't even take a step without both of you falling on me…" He grumbled as they settled him back into the bed. And then things got out of hand. The tension that had built up between Jack and Cassandra suddenly exploded, because of that simple sentence.
"If you didn't act like a child, you'd get better faster, Jack!"
"I remind you that the child is you, Cassie."
"Really? Because with your attitude, we wouldn't believe and ... "
"STOP!" Samantha's voice cut short the sonic escalation between the two soldiers. "Cassie, go get some air, I'll take care of the General's care." The young woman let out an exasperated sigh and left, slamming the door behind her. Jack pushed back his blankets and opened his mouth to protest. "You know she's right, Jack, so stop. She almost lost you, a year after Janet. Let her mother you if she wants, you put her through hell, the least you can do now is let her take care of you...and with a smile." She asserted by putting the tray on his lap. She recovered her cup of coffee and sat at the edge of the bed. "Eat now, then, I will help you to ... "
"I can take a damn shower by myself..." He muttered, eyes downcast, cheeks flushed with anger.
"Excuse me?"
"I wanted to take a shower... But I can't even stand up by myself... It's not her place to do this. Or you. Not anymore. I'm not your responsibility." He asserted, challenging her with his eyes. He was obviously looking for a fight, but he knew she wouldn't fight back, she just didn't do it, before. It wounded it and it left. That was how he managed to keep her away. And against all odds, instead of making her leave, this remark was the last straw for the calm and level-headed Samantha Carter.
"When are you going to finally understand that? It's not up to you to decide what I can or cannot do. How dare you not let her tell me! How could you think that she would be able to overcome her guilt if you were dead? But did you even think about that? Did you even consider how we would feel if you died in this hospital? NO! Of course not! General Jack O'Neill and his sense of duty, of honor! Nothing comes before the mission, right, Jack? Nothing. Not even your family, your daughter, your team, not even me. You claim to be selfless, dedicated to the mission, right Jack? But you're afraid, Jack... That's it, isn't it? Afraid of losing us... So it's you who goes, it's you who decides, it's you, you, you and always you. And us, do you think about us? About what we feel? About our fears? About our emotions! NO!" The cup in her hand crashed into the wall behind her. Her back was to him now, her shoulders were shaking, her breath was choppy. "Don't talk to me about what I can or want, Jack, you don't know that." She sighed, her voice trembling. He said nothing, his eyes fixed on his companion's back. "And if you were dead, Jack. If you had died, and I hadn't saved you... If you had died and..." Her voice broke, her shoulders seemed to spasm. She wept silently.
"Sam." He called to her softly, the tone of his voice no longer sounding broken or hurtful. "Sam please, look at me." Her back was still stubbornly turned to him. "Samantha." He flailed on the bed, sending the sheets and tray to the floor in a deafening crash. She turned around, alarmed, he was standing, on his feet, wobbling.
"Jack!" She rushed forward, holding him in a tight embrace before he fell. Their faces were only a breath away from each other.
"Samantha" His hand came to rest on the scientist's cheek. "I'm sorry." He murmured, brushing away a tear with the pad of his thumb. "Forgive me."
"I can't Jack... You broke me... I can't. Not now."
He fell back on the bed, pulling the covers up over his legs, which had become thin from illness and bed rest.
"Sam, Jack? I'm back." Samantha bent down to pick up the broken dishes. Silently. Avoiding looking at the man, just as broken as she was, lying on the bed.
(...)
She stood beside Cameron as he relived the same memory over and over again. The same pain, the same hatred, the same guilt. She stood beside him. As a teammate. As a friend. And she reflected on her own memories, her own pain. About the man she loved and lost. The man she had once seen being outfitted like this, reliving the intense memories of a mission in a Goa'uld ship. She remembered what they had endured under the pressure of the Za'tarc detector. The feelings they had both confessed half-heartedly for the first time. She remembered how hard it had been afterwards to pretend. To pretend to be nothing to each other. Just a major and his colonel. Just an officer and his subordinate. She remembered what she had gone through. She put her hand on Cameron's shoulder. She knew what it was like to remember the worst memory of her life.
