Chapter 9: Dreams (continued)

That night's dream was very different from the previous nights of that week. He was sitting on a beach with Jack, and the only sound was the waves crashing on the shore. He leaned over and kissed the younger man, but when he opened his eyes, Jack was gone, leaving a deserted stretch of sand. The sense of loss was almost a physical pain, making it hard to breathe. Doug awoke with a jerk. In that confusing moment between dreaming and wakefulness, it was as if his mouth still carried a memory of that kiss. He reached up to touch his lips, and found his cheeks were wet with tears.

After several nights of restless sleep and troubling dreams, he was exhausted, both physically and mentally. So tired that when the unwanted realization came, he had no defense against it—no denials, no ready excuses. For the first time he actually allowed himself to explore the thought. He stared up at the ceiling, forcing himself to examine all of the events of the last few months without the usual veil of self-delusion and denial. He lay there in the dark for a long time, thinking. With a sigh, he came to the inevitable conclusion. "I'm in love with Jack McPhee," he whispered.

The thought should have caused immediate panic, but in that moment, there was only peace. It was if he had spent a long time running, trying to escape, and someone had come along and told him that it was OK to slow down. He closed his eyes, and almost immediately fell into a deep and dreamless slumber.

He was still asleep when the phone rang the next morning. Without opening his eyes, he picked up the phone, bringing the receiver to his ear. "Hello" he mumbled, groggily.

"Doug? What happened? Are you all right?"

"Jack. Uhm… What time is it?" he asked, quickly coming to full consciousness.

"Fifteen minutes past when you were supposed to be here for our morning jog. I was worried about you."

Doug smiled, appreciating the concern he could hear in his friend's voice. Suddenly he felt emotionally fragile, afraid that if he saw his friend this morning, he would be as transparent as glass, and Jack would be able to see every thought written on his face. "I didn't sleep well last night and I'm really tired. Is it OK if we skip today?"

"Sure. No problem. You're sure you're OK?" Jack asked.

"Yeah. Nothing a little more sleep wouldn't fix," Doug lied. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Same time, same place" Jack agreed before hanging up.

Doug lay there, not sure he was up to facing anyone today. Making a decision, he picked up the phone again, dialing a familiar number. "Holly, I won't be coming in today. Call me if there is an emergency." He listened to the voice on the other end of the line. "No, I'll be in tomorrow." He listened to her motherly concern and advice before he cut her off. "I'll see you tomorrow, OK?"

He hung up the phone, feeling a bit guilty that he had let Holly believe that he wasn't feeling well. He just needed some time to sort out his feelings for Jack before facing the world.

He pulled on his oldest pair of sweatpants, and flopped down in his favorite chair. For several hours he sat there, trying to sort out the confused jumble of thoughts in this head.

Eventually he came to a decision. Yes, he had feelings for Jack that were more than just friendship. But that didn't mean anything had to change. Just because these feeling where there didn't mean that he had to act on them, right? Of course not! As long as he was careful, no one ever needed to know that his feelings for Jack went way beyond friendship. There was no reason for his life to change.