A/N: A bunch of thoughts, and things just cause the weather here has been so awful these past few days. I dislike it, at times, and love it more than anything at others. Also, I suppose, this story has to do with me just seeing the play Ghosts the other day. I don't know if anyone will know that play at all, but it's centred around rain and such as well.
Disclaimer: Own nothing.
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It was all she could remember seeing for the past few days. It seemed like she couldn't remember what the sun looked like. What she would give for the sun right now. All she could do was sit here and listen to it fall. It put her into a trance she couldn't escape. Her body was begging her to leave the window seat; to get up, and walk to the living room and turn on the TV, the stereo. Her body was begging her to do anything that would drown out the mindless dripping of the rain outside, but her mind would have none of it. So she stayed there, eyes transfixed on the road down below where she could see the rain hitting the pavement. It mesmerized her and she had no idea why.
She'd seen plenty of rain before, but never like this. Not in Miami anyways. Here it was all sun, all the time. In matter of fact, she occasionally found the rain a pleasant retreat from the constant sunshine. In rain, there were no shadows. In rain, everything was a shadow, and nothing seemed real. It was so easy to forget you existed when your world was made of black, blue and purple. It was dark, rather lonely, and overall, the rain seemed to describe her life fairly accurately as of late. But then again, she was one who often found refuge in contrast. The sunlight, contrasting how she felt inside, allowed her to match her mood to the weather, overly bright and enthusiastic so no one suspected a thing. She fit into Miami perfectly. But not right now. Not like this. When it was raining, she didn't have the contrast to hide behind. She couldn't help but let a bit of her real emotions show. She couldn't help but allow a bit of the real her show. The real her who messed up, on occasion, and who wasn't constantly as forgiving and full of life as everyone assumed. Behind that smile, there was more than most could imagine.
It was on days like this, when thoughts like these filled her head, that she found herself craving alcohol, which was funny since every ordeal with her father made her vow never to drink. A vow that she had kept good on all her life. Yet with the rain overpowering her mind, her body in this trance, she felt like she was addicted. Quickly though, she dismissed these thoughts. It was impossible; she chided herself, to be an alcoholic, to rely on something else to get you through each day, when you had never ingested any of the substance to being with. Most of all, she hated the rain because it made her think. Change always made her think. And thinking made her insecure. It made her want things she didn't need, she didn't want, to want.
She could hear him pounding on her door. He was probably soaked, and undoubtedly more tired than her, but she knew if she saw him, if she let him in, she might have to give in. She would leave that to another day, when she was sure he wasn't just looking for temporary refuge, and she was sure she was more lucid. Because right now, she wasn't in control of her thoughts. Right now she wasn't in control of anything, and as terrifying as that was to her, it would seem more real if she had to face someone. Because despite the fact that she hated the rain, at the same time, she couldn't help but to love it. The darkness, the blues and purples and blacks all made life seem like a dream. In shadows, nothing was real. And tomorrow, if the sun shone, she would forget today. She had no reason to remember it, and she wasn't going to let him give her one. So down the drain it went.
