Disclaimer: JKR owns it all, not me.

Author's Notes: I was feeling angsty when I wrote this, you'll have to forgive me. (The unspecified male in this is, of course, Sirius.)

o.o.o.o

He had a special place in his heart for Lily and James, and the whole of the world knew it. But they didn't know that he loved them both, in different ways that were all the same in the end. It was his biggest secret, one he never shared with anyone, no matter how much circumstances tempted him. He always knew he couldn't tell. He accepted it, just as he accepted that he would someday lose them.

He accepted it, but nothing said he had to like it.

It was all right when Lily still couldn't stand James, and James was wild about her. His James was safe, and he never needed an excuse to be unhappy when she went out with anyone else. That was a sort of pain he could stand; at least he still had James all to himself. He could settle for one of them, because he had to.

Then Lily and James got together. That hurt. It had come out of nowhere, he felt; James had always liked her, so that wasn't a surprise, but when had Lily changed her mind? When had she stopped hating James?

Had she ever really hated James?

If not, then perhaps she'd never really hated him, either... but there was no way to know.

He couldn't figure out how to feel. He was glad they were happy, but he was smart enough to realize that now he didn't have a chance with either of them. He'd never had a chance, really, but now never would have one. And that made him sad.

At least they were with each other, though -- it would have been worse if he'd to see them try and be happy apart.

He didn't know what to do. So he did the only thing he could.