Well, let me just say thanks. I do mean that. Never did I expect to get so much support for a simple little fic. In fact, I thought I would have flames pouring in from all directions, but instead I got more positive statements than I would think possible. It gives me a great feeling to know that my "beliefs" are shared amongst so many of you. Since this is an internet community and we can't go after :the accused: with pitchforks, why don't you just give a little glance at the bonus chapter of Hot Times, eh?
I only intended for this story to be a one-shot, but now that the quicksand whore has been resurrected (it seems he was banned for writing smut and yet returned to write even more…typical), I felt like I would give just one more little go at turning something ridiculous into something funny. In case you didn't know, his most recent fic features Zelda being raped by quicksand (…must I comment on how SICK that is?), Link being given a blow job by a man eating plant, Zelda being raped by a snake, and then them both going for a nice fuck in the finale. Ta da. I might ask why the author constantly professes that he hates "rape and adultery", and yet continues to have the heroines of his stories assaulted by horny animals and mud. But who am I to analyze the disturbed mind of the accused? Instead, this little fic you're about to read will do the analyzing. As I write this intro, I can promise it will be at least a couple pages longer than the previous chapter and you'll probably get double the laughs. Continue at your own risk.
Before I do kick this off, I'd like to say that while I will be writing this with abhorrent grammar and spelling, the accused has improved in that area. However, in my sister's words, "If his fics were a toilet, they would be unfit to be used as a vessel for the chunky vomit of a man who has done nothing but drink vodka and eat enchiladas all night long." Well said, Angela. Well said.
Link be's in Termina one day, savin the world again. He beens all over Termina, killin monsturs (ooo, I wonder if he incowntered any snakes who gave him a nice rape! Rape is kinky!) and saving things, having orgies, fucking girls, collecting masks, masturbating, and generally havin a swell time. After finishin up a nice romp with a cow, he fell asleep from sheer exhaustion (omg, that had three hole sillables! Big word!) and snored like a piggy.
Meanwhile, back at the whorehouse, Zelda sure was missin Link because she'd only been able to fuck herself lately. She cryed, "Ohh, Link, if you get your stupid ass slaughtered where it can't be mine anymore, I sad." Then, she had a warm cup of cum and went to beddy bye.
Next thing Link knows, he's wolkin threw a forest! WOW! He had a question mark over his head that reminded him of a penis with erectile disfuntshun. He was glad he didn't have that problum; after all, his got plenty of excersize. He thought about the strip club he visited once when suddenly some vines shot out from a bush and wrapped around his chest!
"AIEE!" Link screamed like a little girly girl! He was dragged through the undurgrwoth and into a clearing. "WHAHAHA!" He lucked down and saw he was in a plant! But not just any plant…A MAN-RAPING HORNY PLANT OF DOOOM! As the horruble jaws overtook his body, he decided a nice fuck was in order anyway and stopped fighting. The plant gave him a blowjob, ate all his clothes, spat him out, and Link went along his marry way.
Meanwhile, Zelda found herself on the shore of a pretty lake. But..she didn't have no clothes on! WAAAAAH! OMG! She had ample breast man! She thought she'd go for a swim but instead she got stuck in kwicksand! DOUBLE WAAAAAH and OMG! NAKED GURLS IN KWICKSAND! I just got a massive erecktion! I bet you did, too! So the quicksand raped her, she said "Waaah, do not brake my virgin shield, you bad kwicksand," but that horny mud didn't listen got inside her womunhood. Mmm, kinky. Linky Kinky save her and they climb tree to make sweet luuuv.
But Zelda fell asleep. DAMMIT!
Meanwhile, the SEXUAL PREDATOR SERPENT OF DOOOM had wrapped it's sleek, muscular body around the cupel and stuck itself inside princess z (…I must get me a pet snake…) and they woke up, Zelda says "wahhh, I do know that I be raped by snakey" she got hypononotied and said "mmm fuck harder snake". Link meanwhile gets entranced by the fake whore-skank Zelda who had no idea how to initiate a nice fuck (but I have no gurlfreind, how wud I know?) and she said "we live in snake belly now. nice fuck all time." but stupid branch broke so nice fuck all time didn't happen.
Link caught branch and Zelda by smelly armpit. Zelda happened to wake up. "oh no we've been eaten and probably been raped by monsters waahhh"
They say they love each other and a bag o chips, Linky Kinky slip and MATRIX MODE! Big horny kiss is slo-mo in air! Then, they fall but they ok!
BUT THEY LAND IN KWICKSAND, OMG!
"oh dear," Link said. "we in kwicksand. Zelda, my love, shall we save ourselves by escaping from this or shall we fuck each other's brains out and die a slow, horrible, painful death and be eternally lost in this mire?"
Dey look at each other and said in unision, "oh, definitely the sex part."
But den dat nasty pervey kwicksand try to rape Zelda again by Link knocks her up and she is happy and horny. Dey have organisms, waaah. Then the kicksand try going after her breast, but Link say "no, shoo shoo" and start squeezing em. Then teh kwicksand eat dem, but dey woke up and they don't get eaten. Kwicksand and fuck without dying, lucky.
On opposite sides of the world, Link and Zelda simultaneously wake up and realize dey have problem wit wet dream, the end.
Review review review isn't it goooood? It's the most romantick thing you ever read and so suspenseful I want pet snake so it and me can fuck each other kinky huh?
On a final thought, I must raise a point. In the original story, Zelda does say, and I quote word for word, "we've probably been raped by monsters". Considering how she was fully conscious up until she started acting like a whore…Don't you think she'd fucking know if she'd been fucking RAPED! There's no "probably" about it. When you've got a sex crazed snake penetrating your vagina (the thought sickens me to no extent; keep in mind, he likes this stuff), you can be pretty sure you're being raped.
Just a thought.
I will probably make another chapter that is a lengthy interpretation of Zelda swallowed by a snake, which, in my opinion, was one of the worst fics he ever wrote. As evidenced by the immortal line cried by Zelda when the snake bites her…um…more sensitive areas…"Ow, my ovaries!"
