Soda, er, beer machines and ri, no, and stuff
Dark drips echoed through the darkness of Khazad-Dum. Large pillars of intricately wrought stone stood against the emptiness of the mine and the large ampli-movie theater. A small gaggle of dwarves made their way through the depths, intent on watching "Love Me and Leave Me" whilst crying away their tears into large buckets of popcorn. Unfortunately, movie theaters, although supposedly found in Khazad-Dum, had not been invented yet. Do not pay attention to the previously said statement, "large ampli-movie theater." It was this small unforeseen matter that the dwarves had not heard about, and they were now lost in a world without a movie theater where once there was, just as I am lost in a world without a movie theater where once there was, except, I'm not in a mine, but on a very tall mountaintop considering the final coincidences of my committing suicide. I have simply sat down with my very portable and wide ranged internet device, where I am typing this sentence, hitherto. As I have most likely confused you to unknown limits, I shall return to the story as quickly and efficiently as possible. My deepest mistakes and I digress willingly.
Ahem, a small gaggle of dwarves made their way through the depths, listening to the far off drips and screeches. Now that there were no movie theaters, their immediate quest was on standby, and they had no idea what to do. They were standing in a dark enormous cave, where only darkness and evil ruled, just as I am standing in a dark enormous cave, where only darkness and evil ruled…on a mountaintop…considering the coincidences of my committing suicide. Yes.
The lead dwarf, who was quite chubby and not at all considering suicide, Bombur, was the leader of the expedition for what doesn't exist. He and his two cohorts, Dain, king of the mountain, (aka. Dwarf King), and Balin (not king of the mountain, never good at games.).
"Where does the nonexisting movie theater lie?" Asked Balin innocently. The darkness had not done any good for him, and his heavily laid on makeup was running terribly, leaving green, blue, and red streaks across his face.
"It lies in the realm of nonexistence." Replied Bombur innocently as well, his 56,834,673 pounds of fat jiggling happily. "Does it not seem strange that we are searching for something that doesn't exist?"
"Huh, youre strange. Hehe." Dain laughed innocently, picking up a handful of rocks and throwing them at Bombur.
"Ow, meany." Bombur cried innocently in a corner with a large sign over it stating, 'Bombur's crying corner'. Balin stared at Dain weakly, and walked off in a completely random direction, nearly as random as the story I am typing now as I am falling from the very large mountaintop I talked about before, evidently making up my mind. These last two paragraphs have been eventful ones for me. I am sure you are just as thrilled as I am.
Bombur, ideally coming out of his trance, followed Dain and Balin off the charted map zone of the charted map zone, where charted maps were zoned. They walked quietly, only being interrupted by the loud foghorns, explosions, avalanches, inhuman tortured screams, and flying knives.
After the long trek through living hell, the trio lay down to rest. Bombur, nearly having a heart attack from the experience, looked over the 12 feet they had just trekked, thinking it odd how so many events had happened in such a short time.
He shielded his eyes and looked around. He quickly did a double take when he saw an odd box, just as I did a double take whilst seeing a pink flying moose talk to me on my rapid descent down. Quite an odd phenomenon, I can inform you.
"Lads!" Bombur said, er, innocently, using his last ounce of energy. There's an odd box out there!"
"REALLY!" Dain said with dwarfish anticipation, which is a thin line between homicidal rage.
"Yeah!" Bombur jiggled back. "Come look!" With that said, the three made the final 4 feet to the box, and then looked at it in anticipation.
The front said, "Fresh malt liquor," and small buttons ran down the side. "I'm getting an odd sense of deja-vu." Balin muttered from the back.
Bombur jumped around in glee, rocking the mine to its foundations. "Beer! I love Beer! It says, $2.50 for a beer! YAY!" Bombur pulled out a $5 dollar bill, and pushed it into the slot eagerly. The machine registered the cash, and a small mug appeared at the bottom, a hose over it. "What should I get?" Bombur asked aloud, even though neither other dwarf cared or would be listened to. "There's Beer Basted Rib Juice, Hopping Hobbits, Dragon Belly, Dains brew…"
"They stole it!" Dain cried, foaming at the mouth. "That's my recipe! Argh! Curses! Curses! Cheats, Liars! Scum! Burn in the East heretics! AAAAH!" Dain ran towards a large crack in the ground and jumped in, his screams and curses being heard for 2 full minutes before disappearing into nothingness. The others stared at the crack, and then looked away.
"Oh well, crazy loon." Balin muttered, eying the buttons.
"Ooh, I want Hopping Hobbits, yum!" Bombur pressed the button, and received an electric jolt, zapping his body. "Hey! Electricity hasn't been invented yet!"
"Balin shrugged, obviously not caring. Bombur went back to his pressing business. He pushed the button again, receiving another jolt. Angrily, he kicked the machine, hurting his foot in the process. "Fine." Bombur pushed Dragon Belly. A smoking brew appeared at the bottom, inside of the mug at the bottom. Instead of stopping at the top of the mug, however, it overfilled, giving the $5 amount instead of $2.50. Bombur, being the glutinous dwarf he is, jumped under the hose, his mouth agape. The beer stopped as his mouth came near.
"Aww, oh well." Bombur picked up the mug, and felt a burst of heat. "Ouch!" He cried, dropping the mug. The contents fell all over the floor, seeping into cracks. Bombur's tongue was not quick enough to catch a single drop as he licked the floor.
"NOOO! I JUST WANT BEER!" Bombur put in more money, and did the same retarded thing as before.
"NOOO! I JUST WANT BEER!" Bombur put in more money, and did the same retarded thing as before and above.
"NOOO! I JUST WANT BEER!" Bombur put in more money, and did the same retarded things as before, far above, and just listed above.
Bombur started to feed more money as Balin grabbed him and pulled him away. "Listen! Stop doing the same thing!"
"NOOO! I JUST WANT BE…" A swift hit to the head stopped Bombur mid sentence.
"Watch me, I'll show you what to do." Balin put in money, and waited for it to be registered. "Hmm. Aaah, this looks good." Balin hit 'Balins bane', where a picture of a fiery hell with Balin standing in it was seen, and waited. Nothing happened. Then, a loud ominous sound was heard.
"Err, whoops." Balin looked around nervously. "Better run!" Balin ran off in a direction while a Balrog jumped out of nowhere and gave chase. Bombur, meanwhile, was embracing the machine.
Bombur put in his money, and the machine started spewing beer out. As he picked up the mug, Bombur noticed there was a hole in the bottom. "What, no!" he cried. "Stupid beer machine!" The machine responded with a rapid discharge of three mugs, which pelted Bombur, exploding. "I didn't mean it! I didn't mean it! I love beer!"
Bombur kneeled to the machine. "Ooh great beer machine, give me beer." He put in money, and pressed a button. The hose at the bottom looked up at him, and started spewing beer out. The pressure was so great; it hit Bombur clear off his feet. (Believe me, that is amazing pressure!) Bombur rolled around in the beverage, and got up. The beer had stopped firing, and the liquid had seeped into the cracks. "NOOO! I JUST WANT BEER!" Bombur lugged him mass and jumped into the large crack, hitting Dain on his long climb up, and sending both down for two straight minutes, before hitting the bottom, just as I am about to hit the bottom of the mountain in 37 seconds.
The beer machine shook, and a latch opened up in the back. Legolas climbed out, snickering. "Oh, it was all worth it." He said, laughing aloud. "It was all worth it."
