Cearbhail:

So, we're going to get real for a second. I've been known for tackling darker issues, and today is not an exception. Well, I hope it's not as dark as my mind pushes it to be.

=^^= Enjoy...


[4e 210, 12th Eveningstar]

Guild Request for Crimson Blades,

A strange figure has appeared outside the town of Riften. There are reports of zombies in the area. The local guard and Legion support have been dispatched several times, and each time return with no memory of where they had gone or what they have encountered. The guards, within the span of a few days, started developing small rashes, rashes that turned into splitting sporous fungus. The spores are spreading around town, making everyone sick. People are growing ill, some are turning into mindless husks that spout nonsense about 'finding the girl'. We request some kind of healer to come to the town, and a warrior to investigate the strange figure outside of town. Please, our own court wizard is out of commission and we know your guild can be trusted.

Captain of Guard, Mjoll Lionheart.

"Welcome home, Veselle." Nexi sighed, glancing at me with sullen eyes. "Did you expect it to look like this?"

The gate looked… morphed. To call this a fungal infection would be an understatement. Large rounded fungal polyps were everywhere, vines of fungus wrapped around the walls of the town, fusing the gates closed. The very air looked yellow and sickly. You could smell the decay in the air. What happened here? There were no guards by the sealed gateway, and that worried me.

"Well, not the welcome I expected." I replied back to Nexi.

I did not want to say just how anxious I was to see my dad. I wanted to see if he was still alive. The whole town… consumed by this mystery fungus? We had no idea what this even was.

"Well, Nexi. You're from the poisonous section of the world, filled with plant things that want to kill and control us. Any idea what this is?"

She nodded. "Actually, yeah. It reminds me of Corphenea Cordyceps. It led to the extinction of the Lilmothiit. Last I checked, it only affected them though. It was harmless to anyone else that breathed it. It if has evolved to the point where it can affect humans… it might also affect us." She pulled up her muffler. "We should pull our filters up, just in case."

I nodded. "Ok." I slid my own muffler up. These were enchanted to purify the air that flowed through the fabric. It would keep us safe from any poisonous, hallucinogenic, or any other form of harmful gas. "So, you're going to examine the fungus and see about brewing an antidote, right?"

Nexi slid off her horse. "That's the plan. You're going after the mysterious figure, right?"

"I don't have much choice. You'll be busy here." I glanced down at Ruby's apprentice, a young girl named Agni. She was our newest addition to the guild, and wanted to come to the town to see what was going on with it. Since Ruby's busy with her baby, she couldn't be here in my place. Someone had to do the fighting around here. "Agni, what is Rule Number One?"

She slid her muffler up, saying, "Don't call Master Shaman Stonearm fat."

That's a given. "Ok, the other Rule Number One."

"Stay behind you and do everything you say."

I patted the young girl on the head. "Yup."

We both got off our horse, turning towards the woods. "Let me know how Dad's doing, ok?"

Nexi nodded. "Of course. Once this is all over, we'll be sipping on some honey mead. Or… we'll be drooling mushroom zombies. One of the two."

We said our goodbyes to Nexi as she started approaching the town. Now, from what I heard from a few villagers not too far from Riften, the mysterious figure was some kind of robed person found frequently in the woods. The figure was messing with some kind of crystal ball or something, and the moment this figure appeared, this disease started spreading around town.

I looked down at Agni, nodding to her. "Remember, stay behind me. And do everything I say. You're still new to everything."

And I've lived enough adventure for two lifetimes. True, I'm not an enchanter anymore. No bound animals have even bothered to ask me for contracts. It's almost like I can't get in contact with the spirit realm. And that's bothered me the past few years. I'm not the same girl I was when I traveled back in time… or whatever happened to me. At least I still have my masterful Destruction set. My skillset in Destruction is less about me using Fire and more about me using Shock. I have no Conjuration skillset, I still suck at Restoration, but I do have a solid handle on Detect Life, which is why I was chosen to come back to Riften in the first place. If there is some mysterious person living in the nearby woods, I'll be able to detect them pretty quickly.

I took a deep breath, allowing the world around me to enter my mind. I reached out with my Detect Life spell, searching for anyone of significant power. Several blips formed in my mind, the first being Agni right behind me, the second Nexi as she examined the fungus growing on the doorway. There was no animal life anywhere near us. No birds, no squirrels. There were plenty of ants, maggots, bees. Crickets chirped with no restriction. Were there no birds or lizards to hunt them? The same fungus that infested the air we breathed was thick in the woods, infesting the living trees. How long has this been slowly happening to these woods?

I stretched my awareness out more, searching for whatever might be in these nearby woods. I continued to find no animal presence at all. As I got thicker into the woods, the fungal presence grew worse, I could almost taste the rot in my mind's eye; it left a sour taste in my mouth. And as I reached my breaking point, I saw one dark image, one black flame. The flame quickly turned to face me, bright orange eyes locking onto my mind's eye.

"The girl is finally here." A whisper of a familiar voice reached out to me. And as it did so, that flame took off like a lightning bolt, flying right for me.

I quickly snapped my eyes open, reaching for my staff. "Girls! We have trouble! Get ready for a fight!"

Nexi turned on her heel, reaching for her paintbrush and her notebook. "Ready!"

Agni looked around frantically. "Um… what do I do?"

"Hide!" Nexi and I screamed to her.

I readied my staves, one enchanted Explosion staff, and one Barrier Staff. I could still sense the figure racing for us, and even though it was coming, I couldn't tell from exactly where.

Time seemed to slow to a crawl. Agni was running for the stables, Nexi was already preparing her painted rune papers. It was a long second as the forest quieted, the crickets stopped chirping, the air turned to fog. Gods, this was spooky.

I almost turned to my crystal ball; almost called Neloth for help. I haven't really spoken to him since… well, since I saved Ruby's life. He called me a full Telvanni witch, and that I shouldn't rely on him for the remainder of my training. He pretty much shunned me. I didn't really care though. I had my real dad back, so having Neloth say his final goodbye to me was easy to handle. I moved in with Ruby at her new guild once she made it, and I've been training there ever since. I'm the guild's best fighter at the moment, excluding Nexi and Ruby. I couldn't just run away now, I'm the example of what a Telvanni needs to be.

There was a flash of light, a flash of light I refused to turn away from. And as the light cleared away, there stood a cloaked figure, face covered in shadows. A cloaked figure I knew all too well.

"Ildari. I wondered if you still existed." I found myself mumbling. It was definitely my mother. I wonder just how she mentally was in this world. Mother was the kind of person that would never give up her sanity, but she was infected with the ash virus, or something like that. I was able to save her life, but even at the time, I was just barely able to pull it off. She needed me to do it too. That event passed by two years ago. There was no way mother could have held on this long. She had to be consumed by the ash virus by now.

Ildari, which I refused to acknowledge as my mother, stood there in her spot. "I finally found you." Her trademark serpentine voice slithered into the back of my mind.

Nexi seemed to hear this voice too. Her eyes squinted as she readied her first paper talisman. "Ugh, stop speaking like that!" She activated her talisman, summoning a massive Fireball in the middle of the paper. "Eat this!" She launched her fireball at Ildari.

Ildari refused to move as the fireball raced for her. The Fireball collided with her, and even I knew that wouldn't be enough. And just like I thought, Ildari was just standing there, a circular barrier surrounding her as the smoke from the Fireball dispersed.

There was nothing for it. If she was anything like the Ildari I met in my world… Nexi wouldn't be much of a match for her. Ruby might… but not Nexi. She's just too… inexperienced in fighting mages. I nodded over to Nexi, saying, "I don't recommend doing that again. It won't work. Besides, I doubt Ildari is here for a fight." I glanced back at Ildari, smiling at her. "Isn't that right, mother?"

Ildari's head shot up; I obviously got her attention. The serpentine woman started pacing back and forth, like a cobra getting ready for her next strike. She didn't say anything though.

I have a lot of memories of my mother, and to be honest… I was hoping she'd show up eventually. I often wondered if I should go seek her out, find her. I didn't do it though. Whether this was a dream, or a new reality… I just… I left her behind. My time at her tower was the lowest point of my life, one I never wanted to repeat. I never wanted to meet Gwen, I never wanted to face the threats I faced at Ildari's place. Did I love my mother? Of course, I did. Did I want to repeat the events in her tower? Oblivion no.

Staring at the masked face of my mother… and the fact that she was obviously still being controlled by the ash virus, I wondered if I choose the wrong path. I'm much more than I was back then. I was inexperienced, unknowing of how this world could be. She taught me how the world really was. I could have returned, set her right. She was a cunning person though. I was lucky to get away with some of the stuff I did in her tower. I was lucky to be alive when Neloth showed up with an army. It was just safer for me to leave her to her fate and focus on my new life. I thought I could just escape her, leave her behind me, but… here she was. Looking for me, and finding my town… Riften. If everyone was dead, it was my fault.

I readied my staffs, walking up to Ildari. Time to stop running, Veselle. You're stronger now, you can do this. The fact that you're speaking to yourself in the third person does not mean that you're suddenly distancing yourself from your mind in a lame effort to prepare yourself for your ultimate demise.

I mentally sighed, forcing myself to shut up before I thought myself to death. I had to focus on what could be the worst fight of my life. Ildari won't just leave me alone, I'm sure of it. But… I have to try to get her away from here without a fight. I owe her that much. "You better tell me why you're here, or I will have to assume that you're a threat. And that would mean… the two of us would have to fight. I have to tell you, I've studied from the best. I've learned magick from Neloth, martial arts from Mjoll and Karliah, and bardic nonsense from Ruby."

Ildari just continued to look at me from behind her mask of shadows. It seemed like this moment was stretching on forever. "You never came." Her whispers echoed into the back of my mind. "You never set me free."

"I did not know I needed to." I responded back. I could feel my spine turn cold as the realization of her words started to hit me. I never set her free… that meant she was no longer in control of herself. But… to make that very statement… she had to be in there somewhere. What do I do? Do I try to set her free? Do I kill her? Turn her over to Neloth? That last thought was probably the right action to take.

"You knew I existed, you knew I am your mother. You expected me to appear, therefore, you knew about me. And still… you chose to leave me." I felt my heart thump at hearing her talk. She wasn't wrong, that's for sure.

I tightened my grip on my staffs. "We're not discussing that. I'm living in an illusion world. You are not my true mother, but a copy of her memory. Now, it could be that I was living in an illusion world, and the mother I set free was the real illusion, and you might be the real deal, but… I have no connection to you, or Neloth. My family lives here, in Riften, or back in Tel Mithryn in the other world. I tried my best to keep you in my memories… the one that raised me. I try to honor her in my everyday dealings, and she would not want me to repeat the same mistake of going to her tower. I almost died trying to set my mother free, and this world has been harsh to me. Nothing's gone the way I've expected it to go. Seeking you out would surely be my death sentence. That's why I never sought you out. I left you to your fate because it wouldn't help you seeing me die in your arms."

Nexi only glanced at me, arching her nonexistent eyebrow. "Wait… what?"

"Remember when I told you that I was living in another world? I spent a few years in this other world with other people, doing other things?" I looked over my shoulder at Nexi.

She did that hand wave thing when people are uncertain. "Um… kind of."

"Well, long story short, I met Ildari a long time ago. She turned out to be my mother, and she needed me for experiments. She had this twisted girl named Gwen with her, and together the two of them pretty much tortured me to the point where I almost committed suicide to get away from them. My real mother was somewhere in the twisted monster that Ildari currently is, and once in a while, my real mother would break free, reassure me that she will release me once I set her free from her cursed mind, and then I'd try to tiptoe around Gwen and her darker self while they try to do things like cut my fingers off, cut my body up, implant me with zombie stones. Basically, all that dark shit you read about in necromancy cults."

Nexi swallowed her fear, glancing back up at Ildari with a new-found dread. "And… she's standing in front of us?"

I nodded. "Yup. The strongest Telvanni Magister in the whole world is standing right in front of us. Nexi, I know you're prideful, but this is a fight you can't win."

I waited to hear Nexi Shadowport away, but I never heard it. I glanced over my shoulder to see her painting sigils on her body. Combat sigils.

I could already see the look in her eyes. "Nexi… you can't. You won't last a single minute."

Nexi shrugged, drawing her Flame Sigil on her right arm. "So? This is our job, Vessy. Find the source of this sickness, and get rid of it. The question still remains though: are we fighting her, or are we just talking to her?"

I looked back to Ildari. She was still standing in the same spot, not once moving from her spot since she arrived. If she was here to fight us, she would have already done it. It could be that she was actually here to be set free from her affliction. There was one thing that actually bothered me though. Neloth knew where she was this whole time, thanks to his little mind probe he did to me almost five years ago.

"Did Neloth ever find you?" I wanted to know what happened. I surely haven't heard from Neloth in a few years.

Ildari nodded. "He attacked my fort. He died to my hands." Her serpentine voice echoed in the back of my mind.

So… that's it then. Neloth is dead. "Who else did you kill?"

"Raven Rock. Tel Mithryn. After the events of Miraak's return, I found it easier to deal with the remains of Solstheim. Neloth was tired, easy to exploit. He had no guards, no other students. Just him."

Everyone was dead? All of them? "Wait… no. Tel Mithryn was a stronghold. Teldryn, Mirri, the Vedes. They were all new to spellcrafting but… they would have been able to help Neloth stop you."

I could hear Ildari's laugh echo in the back of my mind. "Teldryn? The drunk spellsword? He died when Raven Rock fell under Miraak's influence. Mirri was killed during the coup of the Severin family. The Vedes children ended up in my care, and I experimented on them. They aided me in killing the lessers of Tel Mithryn, but they were killed by Neloth. The boy Talvas was killed by Gwen. And she was killed by me. Everyone in Solstheim is dead. That is why I am here. Solstheim is in my care now, but I want more. I wanted my child back. I'm here for you, Veselle."

Just hearing that everyone was dead… that broke me. I started thinking about how I met all of them. If I had gone back to Raven Rock, recreated the life I had… we could have stopped Ildari. Everyone would still be alive. And… the fact that no one was at Tel Mithryn to help Neloth made me realize something. I was the thing in Tel Mithryn that kept everyone together. I brought everyone back home. I brought Teldryn home with me; I saved the Vedes children; I helped Mirri see the value of her own life. Everyone lived in Tel Mithryn because of me and my actions. The fact that I wasn't there for them… meant their deaths were on my shoulders. Again.

And…

This is the sick part. I've been living in this version of a world for so long, I'm beginning to think it's all real. Maybe I was living in some kind of illusion. That didn't matter. Whether this place is real or not, I don't know if I'm ever leaving. The choices I make here will reflect on the world I'm living in. If I'm stuck here for now on… this is the history I will have created. No friends from Tel Mithryn, no Neloth, no Ildari. I have Ruby, I have Nexi. I have the Crimson Blades. They're my family now. And… I'll die before I let someone like Ildari take them away from me! They're all I have left! I have to protect my future!

And that wasn't all of it either. I kept thinking of my friends. I would never see them again. Talvas… I loved him. I still had feelings for him, even if I never acted on them before. I let Gwen have him, and I settled for Seth. That didn't mean that I forgot about him, or what I wanted with him. And to hear that he was dead… that's what broke me.

My collective calm shattered, and the lightning pulsing through my veins exploded into a hot burning invisible fire. "Everyone, get as far away from here as possible!" I roared over my flames as the ground underneath me instantly shattered into glass.

"Oh, junak!" Nexi used her Shadowport Sigil to vanish away. I heard her appearing next to Agni, grabbing her and vanishing again.

Now that the two of them were gone, it was just me and Ildari. I had too much anger to keep myself contained for the benefit of Nexi and Agni. I'm glad they're gone. I can let myself vent in peace.

"You messed up." I said to Ildari, trying my best to contain my fangs. "You just told me you killed Talvas."

She cocked her head to the side. "Why should that matter?"

I stuck my hand out, letting my first volley of torrential invisible fire to wash over her. She used her Shadow imitation magick to dodge alongside my attack. I watched as everything in front of me melted away. Trees were ash, the ground a barren glassed dirt field. Too bad I missed Ildari.

She appeared to my left, shooting black lightning at me. I managed to bring up a Shield strong enough to take her attack and throw it away from me. More and more lightning charged at me, and I couldn't keep the Shield up for too long. I had to do this my way.

I screamed.

Fire poured through me without pause, washing over everything. Everything around me burned with invisible flames washing over them. There was no finesse. There was no control. There was just… everything the light touches, reduced to ashes. This was my kingdom. This was my home. This was my mess to clean up.

There was nowhere Ildari could run. No place she could hide. No Shield strong enough to contain her. I eventually caught her. And she cooked like everything else. Her limbs, her cloak, all of it burned away. But I didn't stop, I just let myself vent. The very ground underneath me turned to crystal, cracking and reforming as I continually heated it.

Thoughts of my time with Talvas filled my mind. Thoughts of Seth, Zera slowly followed. All the fun we had, all the love we had. And then Mirri. She was possibly my best friend, and… I let her down. Everyone was dead. There was no changing that now. No going back.

I let myself vent for a minute or so, just letting my fire slowly cook itself away, and it gradually became less and less, boiling down to a small yellow flame, until there was nothing left. And when it was all over, I fell to my knees, my tears flowing to the ground, evaporating before they could even collect.

I sat like that for a few minutes, complete silence surrounding me. Any wildlife still in the area would have fled long ago. Everything around me was nothing but scarred ground. The stables were charred away, the wall protecting Riften was nearly melted away. Some parts of the wall were translucent, crystalline.

"Hey…"

Nexi called from over my shoulder. She called out to me softly, as if trying to keep me from exploding in an angry fit again. So far, no one's seen me explode like that. Not in this world. Not since I killed those Argonians in Windhelm. No one in the Guild has ever seen me spew fire before. Up until now, it's been mostly lightning.

"Veselle? Are you ok?" Nexi asked as she leaned over the back of my right shoulder.

"Not really." I sighed as I started to push myself back up to my feet.

"Well, good news is that Riften is not burned to the ground. Got really warm though. Like… almost died from heat exposure warm. That wall did a lot to keep the town protected though. So, everyone's still more or less alive. If you can call being comatose from a zombie mushroom disease alive. I'm sure that I can whip up a solution to the disease. You just… you just stay here and relax. I'd invite you inside, but… I think you need a minute to yourself."

Nexi patted me on the back and quickly vanished in a puff of Shadow.

I just stood there, looking out at the scarred land. A new breeze brought on by the rush of cold air washed over me, and with it, I felt a small brief bit of relief. I mean… I thought of all this like a metaphor. I just destroyed this whole area. Because of me, everything around me was dead. And yet, rushing in was a cold breeze, blowing the ash away. Someday, plants might begin to grow here. Well, not over the crystals, but maybe dirt will blow over the tops of the crystal floor, pack itself down, and then life can grow on top of that. It's a small stretch, but I'm already seeing it happen around me. And with my help, I could rebuild this area. Nexi could help me too. We could bring this area back to life.

This is my life now. Regardless of who I was in the past… it's gone. I'm probably never going back, and it's time I just… move on. Talvas is gone, so is Seth. I should go to Raven Rock, see if it's true. See if everyone's dead. Or… maybe I shouldn't do that. If I see Talvas's face… or skeleton, or grave stone… or whatever remains of Raven Rock and Tel Mithryn… I don't know what I will do.

I should just let go of my past, and continue moving forward. Time for me to be a cold breeze, and blow away the mistakes of my past. I should go do something, find a way to keep myself busy. There's always the Crimson Blades. Always a quest that needs to be done. Who knows, maybe I'll find myself a person to spend the rest of my life with. That last one makes me nervous though. Find someone to spend the rest of my life with? Ugh…


Cearbhail:

So, I'm sure you're wondering why this was a darker issue for me. Well, it goes back to a time I was working on Bond Summoners (before I ditched the series). This was in the third book, and two of my characters were trapped in this alternate dimension (trials or something like that).

One of my favorite characters, (also the one with the most screwed up life) was forced to life in an alternate version of her life. In her real world, her mother and father were dead, and she was adopted by some semi-evil guy that was aiding some conquering army. She was basically an officer in some evil army. Well, she ends up with the good guys by the end of the second book, and in the third book, she's forced to experience her darkness. Her darkness ends up transporting her to an alternate time where nothing bad happened. Her parents never died, the war never started. And she... for a lack of better terms, never ended up a soldier. She grew up with friends, a good family, and nothing bad happened. She was confused, and did everything she could do to seek out her friends (also her enemies). She quickly found out that her friends were not her friends any more. They did not know her, and treated her with some amount of disbelief that her previous life ever existed. She spent years in her mental prison, unsure of her previous life, unsure of her new reality. The whole trial was a test of resolve and patience.

That's the theme of Veselle's new life. We all know it's not real. Her faith is shaken, her resolve shattering. Everything she knew or believed is slowly falling apart around her. Imagine being in her position. You wake up one day, younger, and everything you've done, everyone you've met... were gone. Your job, your education, your significant lover, child... whatever you currently have... gone. It's not an easy thing to imagine. Some of us would revel in that. A chance at a new life? Surely you'd enjoy it. a chance to change your mistakes, whether those mistakes were people you met, or circumstances you placed yourself in. It's never easy.

I forget the reason I brought this up. Anyway, back to Khajiit War Mage.