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Chapter 8
Two weeks after Carys discovered the truth about vampires from Carlisle, they took a walk through the forest, following a trail she'd not come across before - one which ran not too far from his house and was far more secluded than many others in the area.
Despite having sent her the odd gift of flowers or chocolates, which had had her neighbours wondering what was going on, they'd not spent as much time with each other as they wanted following his revelations.
As Dr Snow had come down with something and Carlisle had had to take on many of his night shifts over those weeks, Carys had been left in a strange sort of limbo, knowing about vampires and parts of their history, but lost about what she was expected to think or do now that she had the information and had been sworn to secrecy.
She'd subsequently found herself lying awake at night more often that she'd like, thinking and questioning every part of what she now knew, every part of what Carlisle had revealed about his life.
The main issue that had occupied her thoughts was the problem he had with his soul and eternal damnation. As she'd come around to the idea of vampires more, she'd begun to wonder about his change in belief, and it was one of the main sticking points. It was what she found hardest to get past.
She couldn't explain her fear, the feeling that left her cold inside as she tossed and turned, unable to rid herself of the rising panic that gripped her when she was alone, but she knew she needed to learn more.
One solace she'd clung to had been her burgeoning friendship with Esme, who, despite having returned to her course at Cornell shortly after their celebrations for Carlisle's birthday, had carved out at least half an hour every other night to give her a call and chat about everything and anything she could.
Still, despite how happy Esme was to answer any of her smaller questions and concerns, Carys hadn't felt able to bring up her anxiety about Carlisle's belief about his soul.
Considering he'd been so unwilling to discuss it further that day when his children and Esme could hear them, she knew that she had to take the opportunity to ask him about when they were finally alone.
"Carlisle..." She began slowly after they'd been walking for roughly an hour.
They'd been speaking about his earliest days as a doctor in America for a while before they'd lapsed into silence, and it continued to surprise her just how much of his life he'd told her or alluded to in the past.
What she was about to ask was a big enough change from that that she hesitated, unsure how to begin despite it almost completely occupying her thoughts.
Carlisle, who was walking beside her as they held hands, turned away from the wildflowers that had captured his attention and squeezed her hand lightly. "Are you ready to tell me what's wrong?" He asked.
"You noticed...?"
"It was a little difficult not to," he told her. "I've been wondering when you'd bring it up, but I didn't want to push you if you weren't ready to discuss it."
"Why..." She trailed off as Carlisle watched her expectantly and wrapped her free hand around his upper arm, pressing closer to him as she side-stepped a root protruding from the ground. "Why did you change your mind?"
"About?" He prompted calmly.
Carys avoided his gaze as he brought them to a halt. "About your soul...?"
"Ah," he responded as he tucked her hair back behind one ear, a few curls having escaped. "Can I ask why you waited until now to ask?"
"I thought it might have something to do with your children," she told him when he raised an eyebrow, staring up at him with an awkward grimace. "And I didn't think you really wanted to talk about it, but..."
"You've been thinking about it a lot?" He finished for her, giving her hand another faint squeeze as he took a step, bringing Carys with him. It was only after they'd ambled for a minute or two longer that he finally began to speak. "So have I..." He mused quietly. "It's to do with them, but more to do with my guilt in what I did to them..."
"The change, you mean?" She asked him, glancing up and noticing the way a muscle twitched in his jaw as he nodded.
"Emmett and Esme... Well... Emmett, as I told you, is content with his life," he explained. "When Rosalie brought him to me, he thought she was an angel -"
"So I'm not the only one who made the angel mistake?" Carys queried with a slight smile, and Carlisle's lips twitched in response.
"No, though Emmett still thinks of Rosalie as his angel all these years later-" he continued on, smile deepening slightly as he kissed Carys' temple in response to her whispered assurance that she felt similarly, "-and he's thankful for the chance to spend eternity with her... Esme, well, she's carved out a full life for herself. She lives with us at times, and at others, she goes away to study or to indulge her passion for restoration. I think she's happy with her life as it is now, at least, that's what she's told me, anyway... It's... Edward and Rosalie are the two who have made me wonder about my soul."
"Why?" She asked slowly, thinking about the little he'd told her about their transformations. She remembered his anger over whatever had happened to Rosalie and his obvious guilt over changing Edward after his mother's request. He'd seemed guilty for having changed Rosalie as well, she'd noted. "Do they believe they're damned as well?" She prompted when Carlisle didn't answer.
"Edward does," he admitted slowly after he'd tilted his head as if listening out for anyone who could hear them. "He thinks he's damned, that he doesn't have a soul, not simply because of the change, but... I made him like that, and I suppose that's what made me first think of it again. Rosalie wouldn't that chosen this life for herself if she'd been given the chance either. Of course," he stopped again, turning to look at her finally, "I wouldn't let them know that their concerns have affected my own."
"But they have been? I mean, their feelings have made you think badly of yourself?"
"They've made me wonder..." He looked away for a moment before returning his gaze to her face. "Seeing the others, seeing Edward's loneliness which reminded me so much of my own, I began to think that perhaps there was something terrible in what I'd done, that I'd made a bigger mistake in saving them than I'd dreamt of."
Something in his eyes made Carys pause and change what she was about to say. "And now? You said you've been thinking about it more?"
Carlisle took a deep breath. "Well, I started to wonder if I was wrong again around the time I met you, but it was when I told you my story... I've not told anyone for quite a long time, you see, I suppose I'd almost forgotten how I truly felt." He began to rub his thumb over the back of her hand. "I started to wonder how I couldn't have a soul when I believe so strongly that you're my soulmate."
"And now?"
"Well, it can take a long time for a vampire to change their mind about something."
"How long did it take you to believe that Edward might be right?" Carys asked him, worrying her lip between her teeth as she waited for his answer.
Carlisle thought for a moment, and then blinked as if surprised by what he'd found. "Around fifty years or so."
"Is it going to take that long to change it back?" She added, frowning slightly. It was strange to be speaking to him about such a long period of time - that fifty years meant so much more to her than she imagined it might do for him.
"No, I... Well, I hope not," Carlisle told her carefully, brushing his coat out of the way as he slid his free hand into his trouser pocket. "I can't imagine my children not having souls, so I know it's my having changed them in the way I did - my guilt in what I took from them, that makes me think of myself in that way."
"But if changing them makes you think you're damned, then what about all the people who's lives you've saved?"
He smiled. "You see my dilemma... If I have damned my soul, how many people do I save to win it back?"
"But if you don't think your children are damned... And didn't believe you were damned before them... Why do you think you're-"
"I took their deaths away from them," he explained simply, as if it answered her question.
"Rosalie has Emmett," she countered quietly, as if testing the words, "doesn't that give her some solace? Didn't she ask you to change him?"
"Yes, but-"
"And... Didn't you say you changed Edward because his mother begged you to do anything you could to save him?"
"Yes..." He agreed softly.
"So... Rosalie lost her death when you changed her, but asked you to give her a life with Emmett and you did... Edward... You changed him because of his mother, and isn't there hope he'll find his Emmett one day?"
"I believe her already has," he informed her, smiling briefly.
"He... What...?"
"Isabella Swan-"
"Charlie's daughter?"
He nodded. "Yes."
"Wow, that's... Okay, we're getting off topic, but I need to hear more about that soon... But you believe they have their souls, that you saved them for a reason, changed them for a reason?" When he nodded again, she placed a hand on his chest, her eyes softening. "Then how can you believe you're damned if they're not? If you saved them, if you gave them a chance... To live, to find love, even if it wasn't what they expected?"
She shook her head, lips twisting as she tried to find the words. "And.. And you said you don't want them to think that your fears are because of them... That makes me think you don't really believe it, that you've just convinced yourself you believe it because of your guilt, but I can't work out why you'd give in to that doubt."
Carlisle looked down at her hand for a few moments more before he answered, meeting her gaze, his eyes filled with a combination of sadness and resignation. "I was alone. After all this time, I'd... I'd still not found you, not found the reason for my existence that I'd seen so many others obtain."
"And now...?"
"And now," he took a deep breath, his expression shifted, and he gazed at her with incredulous adoration. "And now, I understand it. Now, I understand why I waited for so long."
Carys took a deep, shaky breath of her own and stepped away from him, her arms falling to her sides momentarily before she wrapped them around herself.
"If it's guilt, Carlisle," she whispered when she could finally control her breathing again, "if that's why you believe as you do, then... Just please don't lie to me. I need to know, I need to understand."
Carlisle was silent for a long while before he stepped towards her and cupped her face, tilting her chin up so that he could look into her eyes as he spoke.
"I believed, so strongly, for such a long time, that I would find someone like me - someone who believed as I did, but how could I not feel guilt when I forced this life upon them...? I only wish I'd met you before, met you before I'd let my guilt transform into doubt, but I've already begun to question myself. Is that enough for now? That I know how and why I feel this way? That I know in my heart that what you believe, what I used to believe, is right? That I've cast doubt on the part of me that wavered before I found you?"
"It's... I suppose it's enough..." Carys agreed after a while, nodding thoughtfully. "But... Only if you promise me you'll really focus on it?"
"This is incredibly important to you, isn't it?" He asked quietly, tilting his head a little to capture her gaze again when she glanced downwards.
"It's been haunting me," she whispered. "More even than the vampirism... The thought that... If we were both human, Carlisle, I wouldn't be thinking about this - it wouldn't be keeping me awake at night. But you're not, and though I'm not ready to discuss what happens next yet, what happens in the future if I have to make a choice about being with you forever or living a human life-"
"And I don't want you to, my love," he assured her. "I don't expect you to think about that until you're ready to, and then I'll be happy with whichever decision you make."
"I know," she told him, stepping towards him as she pressed her lips lightly against his. "And we can talk about it one day when I'm ready, which I'm not just yet, I'm still trying to get my head around it... But it's... Well, it's been worrying me. If you're going to love me forever, if there's even a small chance you might be like that vampire from the Volturi, then I don't...
"If we were both human, eternity wouldn't be an issue and I wouldn't be worrying about us facing it either together or apart, but... It is now, and the more I think about it the more I worry about what happens if something happens to either of us...
"I don't know what happens next, but I don't want you to think that your only options are hell on earth or hell elsewhere... If you believe in God, then I just... I just hope you can believe you'll be judged by your goodness. Because you're good, Carlisle, far better than most of us, and if anything exists after we die... Well, then I suppose I just can't accept that you could believe your afterlife would hold anything but the best.
"And yes..." She smiled briefly, "I suppose it's selfish that I want to know you'd believe that you're as good as I do... If you're guilty, but you can't let your children know that it's that and not finding your soulmate that guided your doubt, then it must be because some part of you knows you're wrong. I just can't reconcile the fact that you'd believe something so bad of yourself when you can't believe it of anyone else... Do you think your children think that of you?"
"No." Carlisle told her quickly. "Not at all."
"Then how can you think it of yourself?"
"You've thought about this a lot, haven't you?" He asked her after a few seconds, brushing his thumb over her cheek. When she nodded, he shook his head and smiled gently. "Are you sure you haven't missed your calling?" He asked, kissing her softly. "You'd make a brilliant vicar."
"Ah, well," she began, wincing as she tipped her head from side to side. "The problem with that is that I'm not sure I believe in God," she admitted, leaning in to steal another kiss.
Carlisle raised his eyebrows. "And yet..."
"We're talking about your faith, not mine," she reminded him. "Besides, you can put in a good word for me it turns out you're right."
Carlisle chuckled, shaking his head disbelievingly before he captured her lips, drawing her closer to him as he deepened the caress.
When they eventually broke apart, Carys was exceptionally grateful for the fact that he'd thought to breathe for the both of them when he had no real need to himself.
She smiled cheekily up at him as she commented on how useful his frozen lungs were, how good it was of him to use them so well, and he looked incredulous for a moment before he burst out laughing and then kissed her again.
"I'm not entirely sure if it's a good thing," he commented later, sliding an arm around her shoulders as they turned back the way they'd come.
"Oh, it is," she assured him, hopping up on her tiptoes to plant another kiss to his cold cheek. "Especially as I plan on us kissing a lot more."
"I hadn't missed that it was so high up on your list," he noted with a smirk.
"Good," she announced, "because if we're going to make a proper go of this, and I'm going to get over the whole vampire, forever thing, I think it's important... You should know you're a very good kisser, by the way," she added as she wrapped her arm around his back.
She felt far better than she'd expected to after their conversation, knowing as she now did that Carlisle's worries could be eased over time.
"You're not too bad yourself," he praised with an indulgent grin, "though, I should warn you... My teeth are razor sharp - they're one of the only things that can pierce vampire skin, in fact, so we should be careful."
Carys stopped in her tracks, eyes widening. "What happens if you bite your tongue!?" She asked incredulously. "Do you just lose it!?"
Carlisle blinked his surprise before he burst out laughing again, shaking his head.
She thought he looked as if he would be crying if he was able to, but Esme had told her that vampires lacked the ability.
"I've honestly never bitten my tongue before..." Carlisle explained, trying to control his laughter. "I'd be able to reattach it, but I don't fancy risking the pain!"
Carys shuddered slightly at the comment, but hoped Carlisle would think it was from the cold rather than the thought of him having to reattach a part of himself.
"Well-" she had to pause for a moment when Carlisle gave into his laughter again, "-well, you'll definitely need to be careful then, for both our sakes."
Carlisle nodded dutifully and pressed a lingering kiss to her temple when he'd controlled himself enough that they could start walking again.
"Now... Tell me about Bella... Isn't she a bit young for Edward?" She asked slowly, crossing her arms at her chest and rolling her eyes a second later as she sighed at his reaction. "Really?" She questioned as Carlisle's laughter continued.
He caught up with her five steps down the trail, grinning as he coaxed her into uncrossing her arms so that he could take her hand again, tangling their gloved fingers together.
"It was worth waiting three hundred and sixty-five years for you, my darling," he told her as he grinned happily down at her, "I don't think I've been this amused in half a century."
"You're just lucky I love you so much that I'm willing to overlook how incredibly old you are, Carlisle Cullen," she warned, hiding her smile as she narrowed her eyes playfully up at him.
"Oh, I'm well aware," he assured her softly as he stopped her with another affectionate kiss. "I don't think I'll ever get over my amazement."
When he finally released her around five minutes later and they began to walk again, she poked his stone-hard side and thanked his enhanced senses that he noticed.
"So... Bella...?" She prompted.
"Hmm... Well... Do you remember when Edward went to Alaska for a week in January?" He asked, glancing down at her with a raised eyebrow.
"When... The test...?" Carys trailed off, eyes widening as she began to wonder...
"Yes..." Carlisle pressed his lips together and frowned briefly, squeezing her hand as his expression cleared. "I suppose I should begin by explaining blood-singers..."
