DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything…
A/N: (If you read this, you will understand why I'm writing this...)
This story revolves around the psyche of Leon. I wanted to delve deeper into Leon's complex character, relationships, and thoughts.
I wanted to elaborate on the meaning of light and completion. I hope to express how the heart wishes for forgiveness in order to feel complete. I write of why the heart feels and the mind dreams as reinforcement of completion.
SUMMARY:
Leon, feeling alone in his pain, struggles with his failure in the past. Even though the heartless/darkness has been defeated and all has been restored, he still lives with shame. In a way, he is somewhat similar to Cloud in Advent Children.
There is conflict in his mind, where it wishes to forget, and his heart, where it wishes to reconcile. His light of certainty and self-worth was replaced with the dark fear of accepting himself, along with all his regrets and failures.
It is a test of the strength of the mind and heart. But could he do it and finally be at peace?
"Failure"
Chapter 1
There may have once been a time when his dreams weren't haunted by regrets, torn by cowardice, and buried away within the depths of shame. Once he felt, as if in another life, he could live comfortably without the constant questions of "what if's" or "could have's". The elusive feeling of once being surrounded by warm-heartedness and completion seemed like a distant memory blurred by uncertainty.
From another tormented dream, Leon awoke gasping for air; his pupils dilated in the dark and skin dampened in perspiration. He recalled visions of not being able to save the ones he cared about. His heart ached with emptiness when he saw their faces full of fear and heard their cries full of despair.
In his dream he tried to fight the emerging darkness with his gunblade at hand, but to no avail, it wasn't enough and he couldn't protect them. It swallowed those poor souls. Overwhelmed with anger, guilt, desperation...he felt painful tears shedding for the ones he tried to save.
In the end, he lost hope somewhere along the way, and he felt the ominous darkness engulf him slowly as if to taunt him in his defeat...
He was lost, with no purpose now, and he let it swallow him; however, he would always wake up from that dreadful dream before it completely took hold of him.
Every night it was a repetition of the same dream. Every night he felt an unexplainable pain.
Those faces...
Those voices...
That darkness...
It was another restless night. Tossing the covers aside, he sat at the edge of his bed pondering why he was having these terrible dreams. Rest and peace of mind was supposed to be easy now that the Heartless were defeated, along with the Organization. His home was fully restored and the Realm of Light was saved...all thanks to a certain junior hero with spiky-hair and his faithful friends.
He could never doubt the truth.
But as much as he wanted to believe that it all was real he couldn't help but think of those raw feelings he felt. It worried him to the point he thought he was beginning to form lines on his forehead and sprout gray hair. He blinked, mentally slapped himself, and brushed off that last thought immediately.
His digital clock read 5:46 a.m. in large red numbers, but he continued to sit on his bed contemplatively until he was too exhausted to stay awake any longer.
"Leon!" a young voice shouted from below an open window, "Hey, sleepyhead, wake up already!" The voice belonged to none other than the spunky shinobi, Yuffie Kasuragi.
She placed her hands against the sides of her mouth in an attempt to increase, what Leon would state, her "annoying screeching."
"Oi, get up! It's past three! Merlin wants all of us to meet at his place... Hey, are you listening?" She wondered for a moment why everyone volunteered her to fetch the "grumpy old lion" anyways. Perhaps they were afraid of his occasional loud roar.
"Bleh..." she stuck out her tongue at that last thought, "Yea right..." Then a hideous thought of Leon looming over her freaked her out...
If he were to ever hear her calling him "old," especially when he has that scary "Are-You-Sure-You-Want-To-Say-That-When-Have-A-Gunblade-In-My-Hand?" look on his face... "Eep!"
Pushing that aside...
She waited several moments for some living response; when none came, a small nerve began to pulsate on the side of her forehead. "Ugh," she huffed, throwing her hands up in frustration, "Hurry up, ok?" She wasn't sure if she was talking to anyone but...whatever.
'How long does he have to sleep anyways,' she thought as she started toward Merlin's.
While all the members of the restoration committee waited patiently for their leader, Leon finally awoke from his sleep. He held his head in his hands as if to settle his momentary dizziness. Along with a dull headache and dry throat, he slothfully peeled himself off the bed. He looked for a towel, tripping over a pair of tossed boots in the process. Annoyed with how terrible this day was starting out, he finally found his way to the shower hoping the water will calm his nerves.
Newly-showered, though not fully refreshed, he quickly prepared himself.
'Merlin's house, wasn't it?" he wondered.
Before leaving his flat located on the floor above the Item shop, he remembered to water the burgeoning plant near his bedroom window. Despite the awkwardness of watering it, he figured he might as well. It was the only thing that actually made his room look "homey-ish."
In actuality, for his recent birthday, Aerith gave him that herbaceous plant. If he recalled correctly, he was positive that she said it was rosemary.
At first when she happily handed him a pot of dirt on his birthday, he couldn't help but look at her with utter bemusement. He knew that she was a talented horticulturist and had a knack for using those plants for medicinal purposes; but, surely she didn't expect that he would too...right?
He quickly emptied the cup of faucet water into the plant. He glanced over to his clock, which read 3:30 p.m...
Finally after taking vigorous strides, he arrived at Merlin's house and saw that everyone was already present. Merlin didn't realize Leon's entrance at first – since he was immersed in creating some sort of concoction – until he heard Yuffie's previously settled exuberance pipe up again.
"We've been waiting forever for you!" she declared as he walked through the door; an accusing finger pointed directly at him. With much patience, he ignored her "warm" welcoming. Aerith, sitting comfortably while reading a book at the corner table, smiled and set her book aside. Cid, unsurprisingly, was typing away on his huge computer and didn't really seem to notice that he was there.
"Ah! Leon, wonderful for you to finally join us," Merlin said as he quickly threw the last bit of dried cloves into his cauldron. Leon felt awfully suspicious of his enthusiasm. Everyone, now present, faced the blue-robed wizard; the meeting finally started.
"Now, you may all be wondering why exactly I have called you here today," Merlin stated with a smile. Most of them nodded in agreement; Leon just raised a brow. "Ah, well, we all know that it has been some time since Hollow Bastion has been restored to its original state, Radiant Garden. It has come to my attention that since that time, we, as residents of Radiant Garden, have..."
Trying to listen intently proved difficult since Leon hadn't had any coffee yet – no crème, no sugar…just plain bitter black coffee.
He knew from the moment Merlin had that little twinkle in his eye, it wasn't going to be pretty. Several times it meant some sort of cleaning job of his house, helping in the preparation of strange concoctions, or if was really bad it would be…
The light reflecting against his glasses covered his eyes. "…It would certainly be a wonderful opportunity to celebrate our beautifully restored Radiant Garden," he said quite animatedly with his hands.
It was then Leon was positive that he could have been a psychic. Any thing with the word, "celebrate" was definitely bad…
"Oh gosh! Does that mean we're going to have a 'Par-Taay'?" Yuffie exclaimed. Her excitement was evident as she grinned ear to ear, clasped her hands dreamily, and started bobbing up and down with her feet.
"Actually…" Yuffie, with eyes like dots, looked flabbergasted as she froze in place waiting for Merlin to continue.
With a beaming look on his face, he stated, "Yes that is exactly what I was considering we do!" She, once again overjoyed, resumed with her animated feats. Aerith giggled at the younger girl's silliness, while Cid, who scowled, turned his attention to the vacant computer apparently uninterested in the conversation.
Leon knew for sure that with Yuffie around there was never restraint. To make it worse, Merlin was the one who encouraged such behavior by unreasonably suggesting such an event. Events usually meant…stressful preparation….annoying small talk…other social confrontations, which included…
"Does that mean there will be dancing, too?" asked the flower girl with eagerness in her voice. Even though Aerith did not express her anxiousness like the ninja, it was obvious that she, too, was delighted with the idea.
"Yeah! And tons of food, and music, and lots of people?" Yuffie interjected. These two seemed to have everything already planned in their minds. Leon supposed that Merlin would expect Yuffie and Aerith to organize this simple idea of a small social gathering; however, if it were really them in charge, it may likely become an extravagant and enormous festivity, much to his dismay.
Annoyed with how things were going, he leaned against the wall with arms crossed. Not wishing to contribute anything that would aggravate two frantic girls that could leave him headless, he remained quietly invisible as they chatted of their "plans".
"Well, I'm glad that you two are happy with the idea," the wizard chuckled. Happy was definitely an understatement. "I expect that all of you in the restoration committee will prepare a wonderful celebration for everyone in the restoration of our home." Cid, looking utterly speechless, whizzed his chair around so fast it seemed he would fall off.
"Wha? Wait a darn minute! Now see 'er, that ain't fair! I didn't even say nothin' 'bout preparin'!" Cid shouted crossly.
Merlin blinked at him and said with a 'matter-of-factly' tone, "Because you did not say anything, you have no say in it now. Besides, it was the committee's responsibility to restore the town, and it is now the committee's responsibility to restore the happiness and pride in its residents." Cid's mouth dropped. Touché. Merlin just smiled with satisfaction.
Leon frowned after hearing the short-lived disagreement between the wizard and the mechanic. He was not in the mood for such festivities, and definitely was not considering complying in organizing one either. .
"Oh, to be honest, Yuffie, I don't think Leon would allow setting up something that big in the town square…" the flower girl said timidly, but her friend urged her to inquire him, just in case he may say 'yes'.
"What do you think, Leon?" Aerith directed to him, thinking that he was paying attention, "Do you think that we should have a stage in the town square?"
"No, no," Yuffie butted in while waving her hands rapidly as to erase the idea away. "I said I wanted an arena-like thingy! You, know, with lots of lights and seats and stuff." A knowing look formed on her face as Aerith just stared at her. "I know, it's a good idea, huh?"
"That ain't a good idea," Cid spat; obviously annoyed in hearing them talk. "Can't ya see that ain't possible?" Neither wanting to give up a fight, Yuffie and Cid continued their childish bickering. All the while, Aerith noticed how Leon remained abnormally quiet. Of course, he wasn't thrilled with throwing a party, but she sensed it was something else that bothered him.
"Leon, are you feeling all right?" she asked with concern as she walked over to him. She leaned in closer to look him in the eyes; he just looked away. A curious look formed on her gentle features. "You're acting rather strange…Is something the matter?"
She wouldn't understand even if he wanted to speak of it. The dreams or the pains that tore his heart, they wouldn't understand it because they had no reason to. Aerith, Yuffie, and Cid, his closest companions had their home and their dreams restored to them, their hope to live.
He, on the other hand, still felt ashamed that failure swept over him like a tidal wave, drowning him in its dark ocean of despair. It was too late; there was nothing he could do about it...
He knew they didn't feel that same pain of failure he did; it was at that moment, he had never felt so alone.
'It's unfair. I shouldn't be here right now…not like this…when they're so happy…' he thought glumly. Before Aerith could question him any further, he responded with a monotone voice, "Nothing's the matter. I just need to be alone for a while..." Uncomfortable as it was, he gave Aerith a stressed smile to reassure her before heading for the door.
She allowed him to go with an understanding smile. Noticing his leave, Yuffie called out to Leon even though she was amidst in a quarrel with Cid. "Hey, hey, where are you going? I wanna know if we're doing the arena thing," she shouted. Her hand was held out as if to grasp him while her other hand covered Cid's face for him to be quiet. The flower girl appeared hurt and the others were uneasy with confusion.
There was a deafening silence as they waited for their leader to speak…
So what did they expect him to say? He didn't know what exactly was going on. He was supposed to be acting like a leader, some one who they could look up to and expect decisions; however, he didn't have any plan, and even if he did, he wouldn't know how to give it. That thought made him feel more of a failure.
"I need...time to think," he uttered facing the door, too ashamed to look at them.
Before anyone else could say anything, he left. From the other side of the door Yuffie's defensive voice could be heard, "What? Hey, don't look at me, I didn't say anything!"
Ok, that was the first chapter. Phew. I probably lost some of you back there... It gets better, don't worry.
Tifa will be in the next chapter. Remember: A good story needs to develop first. I intend to have a love triangle of some sort...so...just be patient, ok?
