Two demons walked into a bakery and ordered sweets. It's not the start of a joke, it's what the Phantomhives were doing at that particular moment, talking and having an otherwise lovely time. They spoke about the man that they had just encountered, laughing at his naive approach to their world. It was somewhat cruel, yet the duo simply could not believe what Kyle did. He actually dropped out of school to become a private investigator because it was supposedly "easier" to get the job. It was so risky that they couldn't imagine anyone being crazy enough to actually do it.

"Do you think he's had a run-in with the police yet?" questioned Ciel with a knowing grin.

"Nah. He's still got hope. He's still fresh. Just look at him. He still thinks it's like being in the movies." Alois answered, taking a sip of his tea. "He's gonna be tailing the car of a client's wife too close and be led right to the parking lot of Scotland Yard."

"Well, hopefully he doesn't get jailed for stalking… Though, that's legally stalking..."

"They'll probably think he's just a dumbass who can't do his job and let him go after laughing at him for a bit."

"I sort of feel sorry for him." the Watchdog confessed.

"Don't be. I was in class with him. It'll never be 'his' fault. It's always somebody else's that things don't go right." Alois stated, setting down his drink with a sigh. "Remember that project I had with him for that other class?"

"The one where you had to write a paper with him?"

"Yeah. And I ratted him out for not doing any work and he got mad?"

"I understand completely." Ciel said in monotone. His gaze was intense as his eye reflected that he had been through some kind of experience that he wished he really hadn't. "Once, he came into my office because I gave him a low grade on a paper. He wouldn't leave until I 'fixed' it because he didn't 'mean to' write a bad paper, then his excuse was that his mother was sick or something. I had to physically push him out the door and lock it."

"I remember that! I distracted him to get him away from your door."

"What on earth is wrong with him?"

"I don't know… hopefully, he takes the hint and pisses off..."

"Did you like any of your classmates at all?" the Watchdog questioned, earning a bit of a sigh.

"Well, a lot of them were nice, but I was never really 'friends' with them." the menace replied. "As soon as the semester changed, we weren't in the same class anymore and that was that. I don't think I would have been friends with a lot of them outside school anyway."

"You went to a few of their parties, though. Even though it was awful..."

"I hated it so much you won't even believe… It was boring at best and stressful at worst. Good thing I'm with the police, or it might have ended badly."

"I'm glad that guy got arrested instead." his husband stated. "Was it the one who you caught dropping pills in that girl's drink?"

"Yeah. Sent him off in a cop car and her in an ambulance, unfortunately."

"You did what you could. More than anyone else, anyway."

"How do people just stand there?" Alois questioned, wrinkling his forehead. "They just stand there with this stupid look on their face and wonder if they should do something without any real intention of doing it! What is with humans?"

"Well, for humans, even intervening in that situation is dangerous. If the man gets violent, they can be seriously hurt." the bluenette offered as an explanation, only to receive an exasperated "I guess so" in return. Seeing the pout on his husband's face, he reached across the table and held onto the other's hand. "I love it when you care about things."

"Even if I rant about them when we're supposed to be on a date?" asked the blonde, cracking a small smile.

"Of course. Tell me more about the things you care about. I want to hear it."

"I care about you." offered Alois, prompting his spouse to grin in return.

"I care about you, too." Ciel said, lifting the other's hand with his own to kiss Alois' ring. The gesture earned a giggle from his spouse and a wide grin.

"Well, aren't you charming?" observed the menace. "All dressed up, looking fine as hell, and acting all gentlemanly… You know the way to my heart."

"It's in my job description. It is a husband's job to know what their spouse is about."

"Word."

The duo could have easily spent hours at this store, ordering round after round of sweets until they ate every single crumb they had while chatting about this, that, and the other, but fate had other plans. Instead, their attention was captured by the sight of a car slowing down outside before abruptly swerving to park on the curb next to Ciel's motorcycle, boxing the vehicle in illegally. That wouldn't be much of a cause for concern if they hadn't recognised it as the car that they had previously fled from. Out of it came a man wearing a trenchcoat and trilby, swaggering straight up to the entrance of the bakery. Abruptly, the two demons stood and their eyes scanned for another way out.

"Is there a back entrance?" questioned the menace. "A fire escape?"

"Fire escape sounds like less of a hassle. Let's hurr-"

"There you two are!" called Kyle, causing the Phantomhives to close their eyes and slouch as they had no choice by to accept their fate. "You took off without me! It's a good thing I caught up." He invited himself to sit down, pulling up a chair. Then he took out a memopad and a pen, clicking and unclicking it so that the sound filled the building.

"So, what's this 'official business' you're working on?" he asked. "Give me details. I can get you information."

"It's not for civilians." Ciel stated. "You are severely over-estimating your jurisdiction. You are aware that you're not a police officer or a government agent, yes?"

"Basically, it's the same thing." insisted Kyle. "I've arrested people after kicking their asses. One guy pulled out a knife on me!"

It was obvious to the other two that the man was blatantly lying. There shouldn't have been any doubt in Kyle's mind that they didn't believe him, given the massive eye-roll they both made. Folding his arms, Ciel shook his head.

"That's called 'kidnapping', mister Brykle." he informed. "If you did that, you would be in jail by now."

"No, I really did!"

"Bullshit..." scoffed the menace. "Private investigators aren't cops. They have no authority to make arrests. You're not impressing us."

"I'm serious!" insisted the man in the fedora. "I was tailing this guy, right? I was getting information on him. Then, out of nowhere, he turns around and starts yelling at me, asking why I'm following him! He pulled a knife out, so I kicked his ass and put him in handcuffs."

"You were stalking him." stated Ciel, already understanding what actually happened.

"He was probably following someone too close and it rightfully freaked them out." Alois said, explaining the scenario that his spouse had just pieced together in his head. "You got confronted and then you ran away. You're not fooling anybody, mate."

In an instant, Kyle's face went white as a sheet. His expression changed, proving that the duo's suspicions were correct. The man was caught in a lie and didn't know what to do now. What could he do? All options made him look like a complete ass. Whether he accepted his blunder or not made no real difference, in Kyle's mind.

With a sigh, the blonde continued. "You don't have to lie, you know. What do you really want, Kyle? What do you have to prove?" This made his former classmate think for a moment and try to collect himself. He felt embarrassed, having to explain himself to these men who were much more qualified than him. It was intimidating, but what choice did he have?

"Alright." he began, laying his hands flat on the table. "I want an 'in'."

"A what?" asked the bluenette, confused by the request.

"You know… A recommendation." Kyle attempted to clarify. "For work."

"You want us to help you get a job?" questioned Alois obviously taken aback by the request, but his spouse was no better.

"Yes."

"Why do you think we'll do that? Go to police training like a normal person."

"That will take forever, though! Besides, do I look like I can pass the physical part?"

"No, and you can't get a job as an officer without training." Ciel stated firmly with a furrowed brow. The Watchdog was not pleased in the slightest. In fact, he was rather peeved by the fact that this man expected him to somehow miraculously give him a job despite being unqualified and unmotivated as he is. "What you're asking of me is impossible. In fact, it's just plain stupid. What are you wanting me to do? Help you cheat? Just produce you a job out of thin air? There is no way I would even consider doing such a thing, especially for a man who always expects to be able to do things the easy way and it always works. Let me give you a bit of a reality check: working involves work. Do you understand me? I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear this request and inform you that if you want to be a police officer, you have to go through the appropriate channels just like everyone else."

That was not the answer that Kyle wanted. He frowned and he scowled, but not as much as he wanted to. Ciel had him beaten in that area. Genuinely, the Watchdog scared him right then and there. He had never seen the Phantomhive angry before and if was very jarring. It was terrifying, even. Ciel was scary at most times to those who weren't familiar with him, but when he was actually cross, it was something else entirely.

"We-well..." Kyle stammered, fidgeting in his seat. "Can't you just… I dunno… Put in a good word for me or something?"

"I will do no such thing." the Watchdog bluntly replied, his words punching his former student in the stomach. Standing up, he reached across the table and grabbed his husband's hand, coaxing him to stand as well. "Now, if you'll excuse us, we have things to do." With that, he started to lead his spouse to the door, only to be called after.

"Wait!" Kyle shouted, shuffling to his feet. "Where are you going? I can help!"

"No, you can't." Ciel hissed. The blue Phantomhive was on his last nerve with this child of a man and it was wearing thin. "If you must know, my husband and I were not on official business today. That was a lie to get you to leave us, but clearly, you didn't take the hint. We are trying to have a nice day out on the town together, but you appear to be doing everything within your power to get in the way. Now, I am telling you one last time: I will not, nor will I ever, help you become a police officer. Leave. Us. Alone."

The icy tone in his voice practically lowered the temperature of the room as people were staring now. Even his husband got chills, listening to him talk down to Kyle. He sounded calm with an undercurrent of ferocity that made him seem like a dangerous animal with a chain that was about to give. Kyle visibly shrunk as if to protect himself, but it was no good. Ciel wasn't going to let him go gently. He couldn't. If he did, his former student would just take it as an invitation to keep going. It wasn't as though Kyle was unaware of what he was doing. He was perfectly aware. It was a very blatant attempt at manipulation that the Phantomhives were having no part of.

"One last thing;" Ciel continued before pointing out the window. "Move your car unless you want something to happen to it."

Very quickly, the instruction was heeded and Kyle took it upon himself to leave while he was at it. As he left the store, the two men shook their heads although Alois turned to fixate on his husband's face. It was stern and serious in a way that had almost become "unusual" to the Watchdog.

"Nice to see that you've still got it." he teased, reaching up with his free hand to pat his husband's shoulder.

"I shouldn't have to do that..." lamented the bluenette. "He just wouldn't leave..."

"Yeah… Bloke took a psychology class once and claims that he can 'manipulate' people..."

"He didn't..."

"He did." Alois insisted. "He said it was why he'd be a better detective than me because he could 'interrogate' people."

"Ugh… That is one person who really shouldn't become a policeman..." lamented the Watchdog, watching as his own vehicle was finally freed. With that, the duo made their own way outside before hopping on.

"Where to next?" asked Alois, earning a shrug.

"I was hoping that you knew."

"Whelp. I don't. After all of this time, I'm still not sure what normal people do on dates."

"It seems like 'dinner' and 'movie' are the defaults for most." Ciel replied.

"Really? I like movies and stuff, but nothing seems to be out right now. Also, we just ate. Honestly, one of my favourite dates ever was the time we got into a car chase and ordered pizza."

"That's not exactly 'romantic'..."

"So? It was fun." the menace informed. "And we got to be romantic while eating pizza. It works for me."

"So, you want to ride around really fast on the bike?"

"Yes."

As soon as Alois said that, Ciel turned on the police lights. It was very illegal what they were going to do, but then again, they were in some ways "above" the law. Legally, they didn't exist. This just gave them opportunities to have all kinds of fun, and ride around the city at fast speeds, they did. The pair laughed and played for a few more hours before finally speculating on whether they should return home or rent a room for the night.


A/N: Devils Like To Talk Shit

Kyle sincerely thinks he's smarter than everyone he comes in contact with, which simply isn't true. There's not a lot wrong with him beyond that. He's just entitled.

Though I feel like he and Audrey would have similar tastes in T-shirts for some reason?

Eyugh...

Anyway, uh... Fuck... I had something like, lined up directly after this, but then I forgot what it was...

Oh yeah! Sudoku!

What was I gonna do again?

Fuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkk...

Oh! Before I sign off, though, if you want a fic about Revy, y'all should check out "Reverting Revenants" by saturnias (jaynon) on AO3. Just sayin'.

Until the next chapter, my duckies~!


CHARACTER SHET

Question: "And Luka - favorite food? Also, you should try out the Pokemon games. They're way better than the anime." by whops a doosey

Luka: "Games are okay, I guess... I like cake."