The Sonpranos

(presented UNCUT)

-INTRO THEME SONG-

you woke up this morning got yourself a gun,
mama always said you'd be the dumbest one

she said: you're short of an apple you've got to learn to shine but you were born under a full moon,
with baloney in your eyes

you woke up this morning all the meat is gone,
your Papa never told you about wearin' a thong (God, what was I thinking...)

but you're looking dumb, baby,
I believe you're feeling fine, (shame about it,
born under a full moon,
with baloney in your eyes

you woke up this morning you're head was spinnin' around,
thing's ain't been the same since the Brief's walked into town

but you're short of an apple you've got that dumbass shine born under a full moon,
with baloney in your eyes

when you woke up this morning,
when you woke up this morning,
when you woke up this morning,
mama said you'd be the dumbest one

when you woke up this morning,
when you woke up this morning,
when you woke up this morning,
you got yourself a gun

(authors note: wow, that was horrific)

Goku - Hello, my name is Goku; Son Goku to be specific! (yegods, I actually used his 'real' name!) And this is the story of my life...My life with the mob. I know what you're thinking: the mob! How on Earth did a nice little innocent guy like me get involved with the mob? Well my friends, it's not a short story-- a very long one to be specific! One filled with angst, deceipt, treachery, and above all, lots of baloney! My story starts out in the not so far off past of 1982,
when I had my first encounter with 'them', which would change my life...forever.

(1982, some random night-club)

Goku - (dancing to terrible disco with a huge afro and wearing a pink checkered suit) (stumbles backwards and knocks a tough looking guy over) Oh, geez, I'm really sorry! Heh, had a bit too much of the drinky-drinky tonight, if you know what I mean! Heh-- hic! Uh...Oh boy, that's not my hotdog that's all over your expensive looking suit is it?

Tough-Guy - (silently stares at Goku)

(moments later in the back alley behind the night-club)

Tough-Guy - (kicking the crap out of Goku)

Goku - OH JESUS! IT WAS JUST SOME KETCHUP AND MUSTARD! No wait-- Maybe it was mayo...Uh, I really can't remember now-- OH, THAT HURTS!

Goku - (looks around nervously) Uh...Heh...Maybe that wasn't the right year...or the right place...No, all that happened that night, from my sparse recollection, is getting the everloving shit kicked out of me and then getting thrown into a woodchipper; but I digress! Uh, let me see here...(looks through his papers) Er...Ah yes! Here it is! Silly me, it was the year 1986 when it happened! No wait, that can't be, that was the year I got my gender-change; hold on a minute.
(continues looking) Oh for fu-- You know what, let's cut to a commercial and when we get back, we'll have all of this sorted out, huh?

(long silence)

Goku - (knocks his chair over) CUT TO A COMMERCIAL YOU MOTHERFU-

(moments and one beating of a crew-person later)

Goku - And we're back! And I now have the correct date: August 15th 2004! Seems I was only off by a little all along. (grins)

Director - Two decades is quite a bit.

Goku - ...It's...It's an easy mistake to make--

Director - How so?

Goku - I...You--...Let's have us another commercial, shall we?

(moments and one lynching later)

Goku - Alright, we're back AGAIN! Now, let's go back to that fateful night last summer when I had my first encounter with the mob! Roll it Sparky!

(long silence)

Sparky - Uh...The projector's broken...

Goku - (nearly in tears) Then let's just do a flashback for FRIGG'S SAKE!

Sparky - Alright. (throws a switch)

(August 15th 2004, The County Fair)

Goku - (licking a ridiculously huge cotton candy)

Vegeta - God, how did I get dragged along on this outing again!

Goku - Aw, don't be such a downer Vegeta, this is a fun place! Now, hold my cotton-candy for a moment while I go and freshen up!
(throws the cotton candy at Vegeta and runs off)

Vegeta - (with the huge cotton candy thing stuck to his head)...

Goku - (whistling) (enters the restroom and looks 'surprised')

(two mob-thugs are beating some random guy senseless in the bathroom)

Goku - (stares at the thugs for a great deal of time) Huh. The brochure didn't say anything about a 'beating booth'. Guess I read it wrong. (proceeds to 'relieve' himself in a urinal while the two mob guys keep beating the guy up) So do I have to pay for this attraction or what? Cause I've got a bunch of carnival tickets right here that're supposed to be valid for most of the rides and--

Mob-Guy #1 - What the-- Are you talkin' to me?

Goku - I think so.

Mob-Guy #1 - Are you talkin' to me?

Goku - Yes.

Mob-Guy #1 - YOU'RE TALKIN' TO ME!

Goku - I...I don't remember anymore...

Mob-Guy #1 - (to his partner) Hey Joe, will you get a load of this wiseguy. He thinks that he can just prance in here, interrupt one of our anual 'beat-downs', and then walk out with no questions asked. Unbelieveable.

Mob-Guy #2 - (scoffs) Unreal.

Beaten Up Guy - Well that's just rude. (gets kicked in the ribs again)

Goku - What-- What're you guys gonna do to me!

Mob-Guy #1 - Well you have one of many choices. Firstly, we can beat you shitless and rob you blind; secondly, we can cover in cement and drop you off a cliff, or third, you can come work for us!

Goku - Work, eh? Eh, I've been kind of in need of a job for the past few decades so...What kind of benefits does it have?

Mob-Guy #2 - Oh, you can read all about them in this small and easy to read pamphlet! (hands Goku a slip of paper)

Goku - Wow! Medical and dental! You cover both at 100?

Mob-Guy #1 - You bet.

Goku - AND I get full mob protection from outsiders!

Mob-Guy #2 - Yeah, that's usually our biggest selling point.

Goku - You got yourself a customer! Consider me the newest addition to the mob!

Mob-Guy #1 - Well that's great...I don't know if I should be happy or...incredibly apathetic, but whatever! A new guy's a new guy!

Goku - Oh, this is great! I can't wait to see Chichi's reaction when she hears that I actually got a real job! (runs out of the bathroom screaming in joy like a madman)

Mob-Guy #2 - Why do I have the feeling that we just made the biggest mistake of our life.

(back outside)

Goku - (runs out) Hey Vegeta! Vegeta!

Vegeta - (with the cotton candy still stuck to his head) What...

Goku - You'll never believe what just happened to me in the bathroom!

Vegeta - Goku, if it's anything like your last little excursion involving toilet paper and certain Mr. 'Poopshoot', I don't wanna hear about it!

Goku - No, no, I-- Oh, thanks for holding onto that candy for me!

Vegeta - Yeah right. Whatever you do, don't pull it off my--

Goku - (rips the cotton candy off of Vegeta's head; taking half of his hair with it)

Vegeta - (bald) --head...

Goku - (licks the candy) Hey, that hair gel really adds a nice zest to it!

Vegeta - (face turns red and starts to buldge with veins) (pulls his sleeve up and prepares to beat the hell out of Goku)

Goku - Uh oh.

Mob-Guy #1 - (puts his hand on Vegeta's one shoulder)

Vegeta - What the-- Who the hell is this!

Goku - Oh, these are my new friends, Mr. and Mrs. Thug! Say hello!

Vegeta - What is the meaning of thi--

Mob-Guy #1 - Hey, you got a problem with this guy here?

Vegeta - If by 'this guy' you're referring to Goku, then yes, I DO!

Mob-Guy #2 - Oh, well, you see, then that's a problem for us. Cause, when some low-life like you decides that he's gonna give one our new guys some shit, we gotta step in.

Vegeta - One of 'your guys'!

Goku - (holds up a contract) Vegeta, I am now an official member of the North American mob. Isn't it just dandy!

Vegeta - (laughing hard) The mob! You! Wow, it must've be 'dumbass day' there for them to-- (gets pummelled into the ground by the two mob guys) AAAUUUUGGGHHHHH, MY NUTS!

Goku - Nuts? (looks through Vegeta's clothing) Ooooh, Mashuga-nuts! (starts eating the nuts and leaves) See ya around Vegie!

Vegeta - Those're my nuts Kakarott, I bought them at the count-- OW! MY EYE! MY NEWLY REPLACED EYE!

Goku - And yeah, that's basically how my story started. Candied treats, taking a leak, a fractured skull, and a bad reaction to fare-bought nuts. In the next installment, we'll take a look at the days and weeks that followed this first of many incedents. For tonight, I have been Son Goku, signing off. Oureirvadeurchi! (Jesus Christ, how do you spell that!)

To Be Continued!

AND THE MORAL OF THIS FIRST INSTALLMENT IZ: DON'T GET MAD OVER HAVING YOUR HAIR TORN OUT BY COTTON CANDY CAUSE YOU MIGHT GET BEATEN INTO THE GROUND AND HAVE YOUR NUTS STOLEN BY A BUNCH OF MOB-MEN!