A/N: In this chapter, since Roy is kinda in a coma (God, this just keeps getting more soap opera-ish), I've decided to do Dick's POV. I really didn't want to do his POV, because I suck at it. So if you think I did a good job at Dick's POV, tell me.
There's no lemons in this one. Not even any wet dreams. Not even any harsh language! Yeah, I know this chapter kinda sucks but you have to know how Dick is feeling. Hope you enjoy it anyway.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans or DC comics.
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Chapter 3: Battle Scars
Why did he do this?
How could he have tried to kill himself?
I'm disgusted, no sickened that he tried to commit such an atrocious act, even as I sit here staring at his comatose body. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure if I should be kissing him, or finishing what he intended to do.
Roy was lying in a bed in the infirmary. He had everything from an IV to a catheter. The only noise heard was the soft trickling of rain on the windows and the rhythmic beep on the heart monitor. I heaved a sigh and placed my hand on my forehead.
I do miss him. I've tried so hard for three years trying to erase memories of him. Sometimes they bring me comfort from reminiscing. Other times, I just ache and feel guilty for letting him go.
I'll admit that I'm not the same person I was three years ago. I've matured. I'm actually scared to find out if he's changed. I wonder if I'm just holding on to something that doesn't exist anymore.
How can I still love him when I haven't even talked or seen him in three years? Can love remain even though there hasn't been any contact? No, he's probably forgotten about me. We're just strangers now. It will take forever to build our friendship. He probably won't even try, since suicide is a sign that he's lost all hope.
When I saw him in that dingy apartment, my heart stopped. I felt him grow cold as I cradled his head. I heard his breathing stop and his disappearing heartbeats. I watched his life fade.
That couldn't happen to me. Not again. I would do everything in my power to prevent it.Losing someone you love, is like losing yourself. They influence your life so much. Their happiness brings you happiness. You can have stupid, silly conversations, then deep, emotional conversations, and then there are times when you don't need to say anything. They are your guides throughout life and it's so comforting to have them by your side. But when they're gone, all of that is gone. Missing them isn't even the half of it. They constantly haunt your thoughts. Your dreams become memories. The future seems like it will never be as warm as the past. You lose hope. That's when life seems meaningless. You should never take your friends for granted.
I ungloved my hand and wrapped it around his own.
I wonder if that made him attempt suicide. His life always appeared better than mine. He had traveled. He knew a second language and culture. He never had to undergo the intense, back-breaking training I had to. Ollie was never home so he could basically do whatever he wanted. Girls always fell for his charm. Everyone loves him and cares about him.
Girls never went after me. It always seemed like they were intimidated or scared of me. That's why I thought I was in love when Babs first kissed me. She seemed perfect. However, she led me down the garden path, that's when I found out she was a real bitch. I remember when she took me to see a movie on our 'supposedly' first date. It was a comedy, but I didn't laugh the entire movie. I just didn't find crotch-kicking and sex-implied jokes to be humorous. She asked me: "Why can't you just be normal?"
She didn't understand me, and I thought that no one would. Roy was my best friend who helped me through all of the rough times. Usually, with your best friend, you think that your friendship will remain platonic, but that wasn't us. I'm not sure what causes a relationship to stop being platonic. I could live without the sex, I just needed someone. I needed to reach out.
I squeezed his hand tight.
I curse myself for letting Bruce send me to Titans West without Roy. Bruce told me: "Roy is too unstable. Not only does his temper fluctuate, but he's likely to go back to heroin again. You know as well as I do how difficult it was for him to quit. You shouldn't have to deal with him. He will just distract you and drag you down. Frankly, I'm ashamed that he is a fellow hero." That last part always gets to me. Roy may have some bad habits, but Bruce completely ignored his good qualities. Why did I listen to him? I should have been arbitrary. Normally, I can agree with Bruce, but now I'm starting to question his judgment.
I looked at the wall clock. It was almost four in the morning.
This was Roy's second day in a coma. Nothing has really happened in the past two days. All of the Titans have been quiet and sullen; more than normal for Rae. Except maybe for Beast Boy's occasional gallows humor, which I try to ignore. As for me, I've been skipping meals and training sessions to be here in the infirmary.
When is he going to wake up! Impatience. That was one of the things Bruce tried to rid of me. I never had a choice. I never thought that becoming Robin would mean becoming Bruce. I'm just his clone. His orphaned, stoic, emotionless clone. Just because after he was orphaned, he never had hugs and kisses, doesn't mean he couldn't have hugged me. He didn't even have to hug me, he could have just let me be a kid for once. See, that's where I found refuge in Roy. Roy was the exact definition of 'child'. His irresponsible, optimistic and daring nature always had a strange resemblance to Peter Pan. He always brought out the 'lost boy' in me.
I stood up from the uncomfortable chair.
He looked so serene laying there. Almost as if he had a smile on his face. Like he died with a happy thought. What did he think about as he laid there on the floor, convinced that he was about to die? What would anyone think about if they had a minute to live? Maybe that one happy thought was the only thing that pulled him through.
I brushed one hand against the stubble on his cheek.
He has grown up. His hair color had changed from strawberry blonde to a dark auburn. I studied his face thoroughly. He had a strong, symmetric jaw line. He had long, doe-like eyelashes. Roy was practically unflawed. I noticed some small scars on his neck and forehead. They must be battle scars. Battle scars from hard work and determination.
No, he isn't the boy I knew. He's a man now, and so am I. I have to face the facts and deal with growing up. Sure, we won't be able to do the things we did as kids, but I don't think it was those things that made us close. It was something else; I can't really explain it. How do you define 'love'?
I bent down and pressed my lips against his. I pull away after a few seconds.
I used to think that love wasn't real; that it only happened in fairy tales. Bruce would tell me that love was just a feeling, like being happy or sad. He said that people can control their feelings. It's like happiness will wear off, just like love will die. I don't believe that. How can I still love him after three years? I'm not like Bruce, I can't just get over a relationship.
I ran my fingers through his oily hair, then skimmed my hand back across his stubble-covered neck.
Even though it looked like he was letting himself go, he was still magnificent to me.
I have to go to sleep. The other Titans have been bothering me about staying in here for too long.
I steal a second goodnight kiss and head towards the door. I stop in the doorway with my hand on the light switch.
It's comforting to know that he won't remember any of this when he wakes up. I feel like I just had 'a moment' with him, and he doesn't even know. If he's changed and doesn't love me anymore, I'll be okay just being friends. I still love him, and the one thing I didn't learn from Bruce is "Take care of what you love." I learned that from Roy.
I shut off the light and starting to shut the door.
"I love you, Roy."
